Thursday 2 January 2014

The New Mrs P!

So I got married the other day :) It was the most fun day I've had in a VERY long time....

..I decided I need to leave this blog behind and start fresh for 2014. I'm focusing on changing my thoughts and behaviour patterns, so I'm going to change my blog too.  Come on over!

http://thenewimprovingmrsp.blogspot.com.au/

Wednesday 25 December 2013

Merry Christmas to all!!

It's Christmas morning!! Was Santa good to you? He bought us new socks, which, while not as thrilling as a new TV or bike, is exactly what we need. We don't have to be anywhere today, having chosen not to see either of our families rather than choosing one over the other like we have for the last few years. We're off to lunch in a bit, booked a table at the local bistro for their Christmas lunch. I wanted to do SOMETHING today to make it a bit special, and this sounded like a nice option.

We had dinner with Dave's parents and sister the other night - his sister has been in Africa on mission for the last two years so we hadn't seen her at all. She's come home to raise some money to fund her stay for the next three years, as well as to attend our wedding. My brother has also come home after 2.5 years away in the UK and Canada, and we had dinner with him the night before that. It's lovely to catch up with family who we haven't seen for ages and have it be normal. I made sure that Craig (my brother) met Dave before he left, even though we'd only been together for two weeks I just knew they had to meet. It sounds silly, but I wanted the approval of my 3 brothers as well as my parents for the man I was going to spend my life with. They've all been so protective of me and my heart for my entire life, and it means a lot to me that they 'approve' of Dave.

It's less than a week to the big day, and I'm a combination of excited, stressed, nervous, happy... I'm sure these are all feelings that every bride goes through. It's not the getting married that's stressful, it's all the little details that no-one thinks about or cares about and don't really matter, but do really matter.... ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!

And now it's 3 hours later and the lunch has been had. It was a delicious, 4 course lunch with everything a girl could ask for. I'm sure I've put on two kilos just from that lunch, and the 5 minute walk each way to the pub will have done nothing to counteract any of it. It's been two weeks since I last blogged, and the scale has gone in the wrong direction since then. I've been having a wonderful time eating whatever I want, whenever I want, pretending that I can do that every day. I've been exercising hard each day, flogging myself just to get rid of the excess calories that I mindlessly consume. If only I didn't mindlessly eat, the hard hours in the gym would be getting rid of the actual fat in my body, instead of the sugar rushing around my veins.

When will I wake up? When will it click?

Thursday 5 December 2013

What a f*cken week!

I had my dress alteration appointment on Saturday, and ended up leaving in tears. Not the best start to the day... My Mum was so concerned that I was upset that it doesn't fit that she made such a big deal about it and got all the people in the place involved and I ended up bawling my eyes out and screaming that I didn't care who fucked it up, I just wanted it fixed. Bridezilla?

The truth is, I wasn't actually upset that it didn't fit. There was a plan to fix it, and to be honest I'm used to being let down because I'm too fat for something to fit - it's the story of my life. I ended up so upset because Mum just wouldn't let it go. I think she was upset that her little girl wasn't having the dream experience that a wedding dress should be and she was fighting and making such a big deal over it because it shouldn't be that way. It's true, it shouldn't, but in the end, there's nothing that can be done except to try to fix it and move on.

And move on, I did! The work Xmas party came next, later that night, and I was having a blast. A few champagnes, lots of chats with people I knew, should know, or will never speak to again unless we're drunk and it's late November 2014... then my friend comes storming in from outside, drags me out, and starts bawling her eyes out that I've betrayed her trust and am a horrible person.

She told me something a few months ago, and apparently hasn't told anyone else from work, but now people know and say I've told them. I don't remember telling anyone, but it apparently happened on our 'team bonding' night. I was drunk then, but never have blank spots when I drink, so usually remember this stuff. We spent two hours freezing our butts off in the gutter (while I held her hair and rubbed her back while she vomited, and listened to her bitch about me through her tears to her fwb over the phone) before Dave arrived to take us home, she stayed at our place, we looked after her because she was in a BAD way... Anyway, she doesn't believe me that I didn't blab, and now, five days later after being treated like a leper and being whispered about behind my back, I'm doubting myself. I've spoken to one other person about all of this, and without disclosing the information, this person confirmed that they knew about it and was sure they'd heard it from her. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but I feel like absolute ass for something I'm 99% sure I didn't do. And quite frankly, I don't know if I want to resolve this with her. We were meant to be best friends, and we were also meant to be adults. This is all childish bullshit and I've had enough.

After Monday's tenseness, I resolved to stop letting other people dictate how I feel. My Mum, first of all (though she always has the best intentions) made me feel like shit for nothing. My supposed best friend made me feel like shit, ruined my night, and is now treating me like an insect that is bothering her on a warm day. This is MY life, and I will control how I feel.

I'm making sure I pack gym clothes so that I can exercise in the two spare hours I have on the days Dave and I travel to work together. I've done it 3 out of 4 days this week - and the day I didn't was a day where I worked from 7-3, travelled until 5, taught cali til 830, travelled for another hour, and crawled into bed. I've also started a 30 day challenge today involving squats, situps, crunches, pushups, and planks. I progressively do more each day.

I'm making sure I eat what is given to me on LnE, and have a small amount of chocolate if I want to, and ONLY if I've been to the gym that day and have the calories to spare. I'm not going to get hung up on numbers, but I am determined to make a real go of this for the next few weeks until we head off on our honeymoon - Lord knows I'll not be holding back on the food while overseas :) but I also plan to be very active while away.

It's time to start afresh.

The only good news that I have, is that I finally put new batteries in my scale which bought back the body fat % function. When I first got the scale a couple of years ago, my body fat was around 50%, and it didn't move much all throughout my 25kg weight loss. I haven't had a tool to measure it for about 15 months - but now it's down to 44%. So that's a major positive, and a boost to my self esteem to know that while the total body weight hasn't gone down much over the last 12 months, the fat % HAS. My body is changing, and it's all my hard work. Considering I've been slack of late, I can only imagine what might happen if I actually try. It was enough to motivate me to hit the weights room at the gym this afternoon. I've slacked off the weights because they don't give such striking immediate results ie sweat and calories burned, but I know it'll be better in the long run.

That's my life right now. Tell me a story to make me feel like I'm not the only one who's life isn't perfect?

Sunday 24 November 2013

Henny Things :)

This weekend was my hen's party. I had a ball, doing exactly what I wanted. It didn't involve strippers or a wild night out. It did, however, involve frilly undies, 'The Little Mermaid' and a lovely dinner out with family and friends.

The Little Mermaid isn't anything like I remembered - the last time I watched it I was 8 years old, it was my birthday party, and it was my first sleepover. I remember crying when Ariel got her voice back and got her prince. I don't remember all the scary stuff though... that movie is SCARY!! Ursula is horrible, there are storms galore, Triton destroys Ariel's room of treasures, and then everyone shrivels up and gets turned into worms. How did I LOVE this movie at 8 years old? It makes me think about how we remember things. We choose to remember things the way we want to, and forget all the stuff that makes us uncomfortable.

My life is a little bit like that. I remember the way I feel when I eat certain foods. I choose to forget the way it affects my body, both in the immediate and in the future. Uncomfortable moments in the toilet are forgotten. Jeans too tight are a distant memory. Constantly being disappointed when I have to buy bigger clothes and pretending that it's the manufacturers who are making the clothes smaller, not me who is getting bigger.

I'm so sick of the up and down of this 'journey'. It's not a journey, it's just life. I wish I could be more consistent, instead of all or nothing, but I'm not. I'm either starving or binging. I'm not ever just 'sensible'. I saw a girl today who I haven't seen for a few months. She hurt her hip and was bigger than me due to lack of movement. She's been in and out of hospital all year having operations and rehab and all of that crap, yet she stood in front of me looking absolutely stunning. She's lost a crapload of weight in the last few months, and I am so jealous.

I then had my hair trial this afternoon, and my hairdresser is also her hairdresser. I mentioned the transformation, and she just laughed and shook her head. 'You know how she did it, don't you?' she asked. 'No! Tell me the secret!' I pleaded. 'She just didn't eat. At all. And spent 3 hours a day in the gym. At least. And then SOMETIMES she would treat herself with a chai latte.'

I can't do that. How can I do that?

My worst fear came true. My dress doesn't fit. It's fixable though, and we find out on the weekend how they'll do it - I'm pretty sure they'll remove the zip and put in extra material to make a lace-up down the back. We measured everything though, and it seems the dress wasn't made to the measurements that were taken, it's about 2 inches too small in the waist. It's not my fault, but I feel like the biggest fatty regardless.

In spite of my current mood, I enjoyed my Hen's Day. I had my friends and family there, I ate, drank, and was merry. I had my makeup trial that morning so looked gorgeous and the dress I was wearing makes me feel amazing. I put everything behind me (as well as the sneaky weigh-in that had me a few kgs up... kgs!!) and just had fun. I plan on getting married only once, so this is my one chance to be the Hen. I don't want to be missing out on having fun because I'm trying not to eat or drink - that's not living.

I've got a couple of things going on this week, a few things that are going to be quite challenging emotionally (gotta get my big girl panties out, suck it up, and deal with it!), a few dinners out that I'll have to be careful with... but at some point, I've just got to stop making excuses for why this is so hard for me and just eat right and exercise consistently. That's all I have to do. Why can't I do it?

Leaving you with a pic of the Hen. Cheers!

And then the champagne made me rowdy...


The spread was fantastic:


Geez, my mum puts on a good party :) And I wonder why I think food and drink make me happy.... because they do!!!



Wednesday 13 November 2013

A blur.

That's what the last 10 days have been. A blur. In a haze of moving, and final performances, and wedding preparation, I've been trying to get back on track. It hasn't really been working, because I've put on a couple of kilos in the last few weeks. Not too many, but enough to give me a bit of a wake-up call. Enough to make me want to snap out of this 'plateau' that is actually just me being really slack, and not really a plateau at all.

Tomorrow, I try on my dress for the first time. I'm scared. What if it doesn't fit? What if it's too small and the dressmaker can't fix it? What if I've spent $3000 on something that I cannot wear? I know it won't be out by much - I'm the same weight as I was when I first went to the bridal shop, but it doesn't make it any easier to believe that it will be okay. There's nothing I can do about it now, though.

Life is almost back to normal - we're pretty much moved in, Dave will be back at work Monday, and I'm back on LnE full time. I'm committed to not being persuaded to head over to the cafe at lunchtime. I can't say I'll be strong enough not to have takeaway for dinner if Dave chooses to, or to not have chocolate, but I will be strong enough to say no to this one thing. This is not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.

I also have slacked off on the exercise - averaging about 4000 steps a day, which is far shy of the 10,000 minimum I was getting just a few months ago. Gym has to come before couch, every day. It HAS to.

I thought about registering for 12WBT again, but I can't do that for the rest of my life. I have to just do this. Just live. Make wise choices, say no sometimes, say yes sometimes, and EXPERIENCE life. It's hard, but it can be done. It will be done.

Sunday 3 November 2013

You've got to accentuate the positive,

Eliminate the negative,
Latch on to the affirmative...

It's amazing what a difference a change in attitude makes. Dave is home. We have an amazing house to move into. Yes, I'm doing this all on my own, but I AM CAPABLE of doing this all on my own. I have had countless offers of help from friends and family, and I am eternally grateful for all of their support. I'm yet to take anyone up on their offers, but it's good to know that the help is only a phone call away if I need it.

After Dave was released from hospital on Thursday, things in my world started looking better. I spent the evening hatching the game plan for the move, thought it all through, and felt a lot better going to bed. Friday morning, we went to the Real Estate Agents and Dave signed his part of the lease and the rest of the paperwork. We got the keys, and I dropped him at home before heading to the house to complete the inspection. After that, I went to work. I'd had enough time off, and felt ridiculously guilty I put in a few hours there before my boss (who is extremely understanding) decided I'd done enough and sent me home again.

Saturday I followed the plan to a tee, packing and moving a lot of our stuff by the carload. Today I was able to move a little, and even found time to go shopping for a dress for my boss's wedding/the work Xmas party. I was super impressed to walk into City Chic (a big-girl's shop!) and have to buy the XS in a dress. I know their sizing is extremely generous and made to make big girls feel smaller - and all of this psychology worked a treat on me this afternoon! Last year, I weighed the same as I do now, and my dress was a little bigger. Part of the change is the added strength training from the earlier part of this year. Part of it is that I now feel comfortable in figure-hugging clothes.

I'm not going to hide behind layers any more. Bigger isn't always better. I have a waist. I need to embrace it, show it off. Inspire myself to improve my body and my mind so that my strength shines through.

No matter what the world throws at me, I am strong.

Thursday 31 October 2013

Kick me when I'm down.

Go on world, what else do you wanna throw at me?

Tuesday morning, I was woken at 4am with Dave writhing in pain. This continued until 6:30 when the alarm went off and I went to work, without him. He has had this pain in the past, and had ultrasounds, CT scans, a gastroscopy and an MRI - all showed NOTHING. At 9:00, he decided that he couldn't cope anymore, and I left work and took him to the hospital. 4 hours in Emergency, 4 hours in Triage, and an ultrasound later, he was admitted with Gallstones. I left him there overnight, and in the morning we were informed he would be having surgery. I took the following two days off work, and have spent countless hours sat in a (quite comfortable!) hospital chair, only going home to sleep and ducking out to eat. I tried to go to work on Wednesday morning and was promptly sent away (relief!) and called in last night while very teary and explained that I wouldn't be in Thursday.

Dave has had his gall bladder out, and now has the next two weeks off work and the following 6-8 weeks on light duties (no lifting). This is SUPER HELPFUL seeing as we are moving this weekend. Can't wait to do this all on my own :(