So I got married the other day :) It was the most fun day I've had in a VERY long time....
..I decided I need to leave this blog behind and start fresh for 2014. I'm focusing on changing my thoughts and behaviour patterns, so I'm going to change my blog too. Come on over!
http://thenewimprovingmrsp.blogspot.com.au/
Thursday, 2 January 2014
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
Merry Christmas to all!!
It's Christmas morning!! Was Santa good to you? He bought us new socks, which, while not as thrilling as a new TV or bike, is exactly what we need. We don't have to be anywhere today, having chosen not to see either of our families rather than choosing one over the other like we have for the last few years. We're off to lunch in a bit, booked a table at the local bistro for their Christmas lunch. I wanted to do SOMETHING today to make it a bit special, and this sounded like a nice option.
We had dinner with Dave's parents and sister the other night - his sister has been in Africa on mission for the last two years so we hadn't seen her at all. She's come home to raise some money to fund her stay for the next three years, as well as to attend our wedding. My brother has also come home after 2.5 years away in the UK and Canada, and we had dinner with him the night before that. It's lovely to catch up with family who we haven't seen for ages and have it be normal. I made sure that Craig (my brother) met Dave before he left, even though we'd only been together for two weeks I just knew they had to meet. It sounds silly, but I wanted the approval of my 3 brothers as well as my parents for the man I was going to spend my life with. They've all been so protective of me and my heart for my entire life, and it means a lot to me that they 'approve' of Dave.
It's less than a week to the big day, and I'm a combination of excited, stressed, nervous, happy... I'm sure these are all feelings that every bride goes through. It's not the getting married that's stressful, it's all the little details that no-one thinks about or cares about and don't really matter, but do really matter.... ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!
And now it's 3 hours later and the lunch has been had. It was a delicious, 4 course lunch with everything a girl could ask for. I'm sure I've put on two kilos just from that lunch, and the 5 minute walk each way to the pub will have done nothing to counteract any of it. It's been two weeks since I last blogged, and the scale has gone in the wrong direction since then. I've been having a wonderful time eating whatever I want, whenever I want, pretending that I can do that every day. I've been exercising hard each day, flogging myself just to get rid of the excess calories that I mindlessly consume. If only I didn't mindlessly eat, the hard hours in the gym would be getting rid of the actual fat in my body, instead of the sugar rushing around my veins.
When will I wake up? When will it click?
We had dinner with Dave's parents and sister the other night - his sister has been in Africa on mission for the last two years so we hadn't seen her at all. She's come home to raise some money to fund her stay for the next three years, as well as to attend our wedding. My brother has also come home after 2.5 years away in the UK and Canada, and we had dinner with him the night before that. It's lovely to catch up with family who we haven't seen for ages and have it be normal. I made sure that Craig (my brother) met Dave before he left, even though we'd only been together for two weeks I just knew they had to meet. It sounds silly, but I wanted the approval of my 3 brothers as well as my parents for the man I was going to spend my life with. They've all been so protective of me and my heart for my entire life, and it means a lot to me that they 'approve' of Dave.
It's less than a week to the big day, and I'm a combination of excited, stressed, nervous, happy... I'm sure these are all feelings that every bride goes through. It's not the getting married that's stressful, it's all the little details that no-one thinks about or cares about and don't really matter, but do really matter.... ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!
And now it's 3 hours later and the lunch has been had. It was a delicious, 4 course lunch with everything a girl could ask for. I'm sure I've put on two kilos just from that lunch, and the 5 minute walk each way to the pub will have done nothing to counteract any of it. It's been two weeks since I last blogged, and the scale has gone in the wrong direction since then. I've been having a wonderful time eating whatever I want, whenever I want, pretending that I can do that every day. I've been exercising hard each day, flogging myself just to get rid of the excess calories that I mindlessly consume. If only I didn't mindlessly eat, the hard hours in the gym would be getting rid of the actual fat in my body, instead of the sugar rushing around my veins.
When will I wake up? When will it click?
Thursday, 5 December 2013
What a f*cken week!
I had my dress alteration appointment on Saturday, and ended up leaving in tears. Not the best start to the day... My Mum was so concerned that I was upset that it doesn't fit that she made such a big deal about it and got all the people in the place involved and I ended up bawling my eyes out and screaming that I didn't care who fucked it up, I just wanted it fixed. Bridezilla?
The truth is, I wasn't actually upset that it didn't fit. There was a plan to fix it, and to be honest I'm used to being let down because I'm too fat for something to fit - it's the story of my life. I ended up so upset because Mum just wouldn't let it go. I think she was upset that her little girl wasn't having the dream experience that a wedding dress should be and she was fighting and making such a big deal over it because it shouldn't be that way. It's true, it shouldn't, but in the end, there's nothing that can be done except to try to fix it and move on.
And move on, I did! The work Xmas party came next, later that night, and I was having a blast. A few champagnes, lots of chats with people I knew, should know, or will never speak to again unless we're drunk and it's late November 2014... then my friend comes storming in from outside, drags me out, and starts bawling her eyes out that I've betrayed her trust and am a horrible person.
She told me something a few months ago, and apparently hasn't told anyone else from work, but now people know and say I've told them. I don't remember telling anyone, but it apparently happened on our 'team bonding' night. I was drunk then, but never have blank spots when I drink, so usually remember this stuff. We spent two hours freezing our butts off in the gutter (while I held her hair and rubbed her back while she vomited, and listened to her bitch about me through her tears to her fwb over the phone) before Dave arrived to take us home, she stayed at our place, we looked after her because she was in a BAD way... Anyway, she doesn't believe me that I didn't blab, and now, five days later after being treated like a leper and being whispered about behind my back, I'm doubting myself. I've spoken to one other person about all of this, and without disclosing the information, this person confirmed that they knew about it and was sure they'd heard it from her. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but I feel like absolute ass for something I'm 99% sure I didn't do. And quite frankly, I don't know if I want to resolve this with her. We were meant to be best friends, and we were also meant to be adults. This is all childish bullshit and I've had enough.
After Monday's tenseness, I resolved to stop letting other people dictate how I feel. My Mum, first of all (though she always has the best intentions) made me feel like shit for nothing. My supposed best friend made me feel like shit, ruined my night, and is now treating me like an insect that is bothering her on a warm day. This is MY life, and I will control how I feel.
I'm making sure I pack gym clothes so that I can exercise in the two spare hours I have on the days Dave and I travel to work together. I've done it 3 out of 4 days this week - and the day I didn't was a day where I worked from 7-3, travelled until 5, taught cali til 830, travelled for another hour, and crawled into bed. I've also started a 30 day challenge today involving squats, situps, crunches, pushups, and planks. I progressively do more each day.
I'm making sure I eat what is given to me on LnE, and have a small amount of chocolate if I want to, and ONLY if I've been to the gym that day and have the calories to spare. I'm not going to get hung up on numbers, but I am determined to make a real go of this for the next few weeks until we head off on our honeymoon - Lord knows I'll not be holding back on the food while overseas :) but I also plan to be very active while away.
It's time to start afresh.
The only good news that I have, is that I finally put new batteries in my scale which bought back the body fat % function. When I first got the scale a couple of years ago, my body fat was around 50%, and it didn't move much all throughout my 25kg weight loss. I haven't had a tool to measure it for about 15 months - but now it's down to 44%. So that's a major positive, and a boost to my self esteem to know that while the total body weight hasn't gone down much over the last 12 months, the fat % HAS. My body is changing, and it's all my hard work. Considering I've been slack of late, I can only imagine what might happen if I actually try. It was enough to motivate me to hit the weights room at the gym this afternoon. I've slacked off the weights because they don't give such striking immediate results ie sweat and calories burned, but I know it'll be better in the long run.
That's my life right now. Tell me a story to make me feel like I'm not the only one who's life isn't perfect?
The truth is, I wasn't actually upset that it didn't fit. There was a plan to fix it, and to be honest I'm used to being let down because I'm too fat for something to fit - it's the story of my life. I ended up so upset because Mum just wouldn't let it go. I think she was upset that her little girl wasn't having the dream experience that a wedding dress should be and she was fighting and making such a big deal over it because it shouldn't be that way. It's true, it shouldn't, but in the end, there's nothing that can be done except to try to fix it and move on.
And move on, I did! The work Xmas party came next, later that night, and I was having a blast. A few champagnes, lots of chats with people I knew, should know, or will never speak to again unless we're drunk and it's late November 2014... then my friend comes storming in from outside, drags me out, and starts bawling her eyes out that I've betrayed her trust and am a horrible person.
She told me something a few months ago, and apparently hasn't told anyone else from work, but now people know and say I've told them. I don't remember telling anyone, but it apparently happened on our 'team bonding' night. I was drunk then, but never have blank spots when I drink, so usually remember this stuff. We spent two hours freezing our butts off in the gutter (while I held her hair and rubbed her back while she vomited, and listened to her bitch about me through her tears to her fwb over the phone) before Dave arrived to take us home, she stayed at our place, we looked after her because she was in a BAD way... Anyway, she doesn't believe me that I didn't blab, and now, five days later after being treated like a leper and being whispered about behind my back, I'm doubting myself. I've spoken to one other person about all of this, and without disclosing the information, this person confirmed that they knew about it and was sure they'd heard it from her. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but I feel like absolute ass for something I'm 99% sure I didn't do. And quite frankly, I don't know if I want to resolve this with her. We were meant to be best friends, and we were also meant to be adults. This is all childish bullshit and I've had enough.
After Monday's tenseness, I resolved to stop letting other people dictate how I feel. My Mum, first of all (though she always has the best intentions) made me feel like shit for nothing. My supposed best friend made me feel like shit, ruined my night, and is now treating me like an insect that is bothering her on a warm day. This is MY life, and I will control how I feel.
I'm making sure I pack gym clothes so that I can exercise in the two spare hours I have on the days Dave and I travel to work together. I've done it 3 out of 4 days this week - and the day I didn't was a day where I worked from 7-3, travelled until 5, taught cali til 830, travelled for another hour, and crawled into bed. I've also started a 30 day challenge today involving squats, situps, crunches, pushups, and planks. I progressively do more each day.
I'm making sure I eat what is given to me on LnE, and have a small amount of chocolate if I want to, and ONLY if I've been to the gym that day and have the calories to spare. I'm not going to get hung up on numbers, but I am determined to make a real go of this for the next few weeks until we head off on our honeymoon - Lord knows I'll not be holding back on the food while overseas :) but I also plan to be very active while away.
It's time to start afresh.
The only good news that I have, is that I finally put new batteries in my scale which bought back the body fat % function. When I first got the scale a couple of years ago, my body fat was around 50%, and it didn't move much all throughout my 25kg weight loss. I haven't had a tool to measure it for about 15 months - but now it's down to 44%. So that's a major positive, and a boost to my self esteem to know that while the total body weight hasn't gone down much over the last 12 months, the fat % HAS. My body is changing, and it's all my hard work. Considering I've been slack of late, I can only imagine what might happen if I actually try. It was enough to motivate me to hit the weights room at the gym this afternoon. I've slacked off the weights because they don't give such striking immediate results ie sweat and calories burned, but I know it'll be better in the long run.
That's my life right now. Tell me a story to make me feel like I'm not the only one who's life isn't perfect?
Sunday, 24 November 2013
Henny Things :)
This weekend was my hen's party. I had a ball, doing exactly what I wanted. It didn't involve strippers or a wild night out. It did, however, involve frilly undies, 'The Little Mermaid' and a lovely dinner out with family and friends.
The Little Mermaid isn't anything like I remembered - the last time I watched it I was 8 years old, it was my birthday party, and it was my first sleepover. I remember crying when Ariel got her voice back and got her prince. I don't remember all the scary stuff though... that movie is SCARY!! Ursula is horrible, there are storms galore, Triton destroys Ariel's room of treasures, and then everyone shrivels up and gets turned into worms. How did I LOVE this movie at 8 years old? It makes me think about how we remember things. We choose to remember things the way we want to, and forget all the stuff that makes us uncomfortable.
My life is a little bit like that. I remember the way I feel when I eat certain foods. I choose to forget the way it affects my body, both in the immediate and in the future. Uncomfortable moments in the toilet are forgotten. Jeans too tight are a distant memory. Constantly being disappointed when I have to buy bigger clothes and pretending that it's the manufacturers who are making the clothes smaller, not me who is getting bigger.
I'm so sick of the up and down of this 'journey'. It's not a journey, it's just life. I wish I could be more consistent, instead of all or nothing, but I'm not. I'm either starving or binging. I'm not ever just 'sensible'. I saw a girl today who I haven't seen for a few months. She hurt her hip and was bigger than me due to lack of movement. She's been in and out of hospital all year having operations and rehab and all of that crap, yet she stood in front of me looking absolutely stunning. She's lost a crapload of weight in the last few months, and I am so jealous.
I then had my hair trial this afternoon, and my hairdresser is also her hairdresser. I mentioned the transformation, and she just laughed and shook her head. 'You know how she did it, don't you?' she asked. 'No! Tell me the secret!' I pleaded. 'She just didn't eat. At all. And spent 3 hours a day in the gym. At least. And then SOMETIMES she would treat herself with a chai latte.'
I can't do that. How can I do that?
My worst fear came true. My dress doesn't fit. It's fixable though, and we find out on the weekend how they'll do it - I'm pretty sure they'll remove the zip and put in extra material to make a lace-up down the back. We measured everything though, and it seems the dress wasn't made to the measurements that were taken, it's about 2 inches too small in the waist. It's not my fault, but I feel like the biggest fatty regardless.
In spite of my current mood, I enjoyed my Hen's Day. I had my friends and family there, I ate, drank, and was merry. I had my makeup trial that morning so looked gorgeous and the dress I was wearing makes me feel amazing. I put everything behind me (as well as the sneaky weigh-in that had me a few kgs up... kgs!!) and just had fun. I plan on getting married only once, so this is my one chance to be the Hen. I don't want to be missing out on having fun because I'm trying not to eat or drink - that's not living.
I've got a couple of things going on this week, a few things that are going to be quite challenging emotionally (gotta get my big girl panties out, suck it up, and deal with it!), a few dinners out that I'll have to be careful with... but at some point, I've just got to stop making excuses for why this is so hard for me and just eat right and exercise consistently. That's all I have to do. Why can't I do it?
Leaving you with a pic of the Hen. Cheers!
The Little Mermaid isn't anything like I remembered - the last time I watched it I was 8 years old, it was my birthday party, and it was my first sleepover. I remember crying when Ariel got her voice back and got her prince. I don't remember all the scary stuff though... that movie is SCARY!! Ursula is horrible, there are storms galore, Triton destroys Ariel's room of treasures, and then everyone shrivels up and gets turned into worms. How did I LOVE this movie at 8 years old? It makes me think about how we remember things. We choose to remember things the way we want to, and forget all the stuff that makes us uncomfortable.
My life is a little bit like that. I remember the way I feel when I eat certain foods. I choose to forget the way it affects my body, both in the immediate and in the future. Uncomfortable moments in the toilet are forgotten. Jeans too tight are a distant memory. Constantly being disappointed when I have to buy bigger clothes and pretending that it's the manufacturers who are making the clothes smaller, not me who is getting bigger.
I'm so sick of the up and down of this 'journey'. It's not a journey, it's just life. I wish I could be more consistent, instead of all or nothing, but I'm not. I'm either starving or binging. I'm not ever just 'sensible'. I saw a girl today who I haven't seen for a few months. She hurt her hip and was bigger than me due to lack of movement. She's been in and out of hospital all year having operations and rehab and all of that crap, yet she stood in front of me looking absolutely stunning. She's lost a crapload of weight in the last few months, and I am so jealous.
I then had my hair trial this afternoon, and my hairdresser is also her hairdresser. I mentioned the transformation, and she just laughed and shook her head. 'You know how she did it, don't you?' she asked. 'No! Tell me the secret!' I pleaded. 'She just didn't eat. At all. And spent 3 hours a day in the gym. At least. And then SOMETIMES she would treat herself with a chai latte.'
I can't do that. How can I do that?
My worst fear came true. My dress doesn't fit. It's fixable though, and we find out on the weekend how they'll do it - I'm pretty sure they'll remove the zip and put in extra material to make a lace-up down the back. We measured everything though, and it seems the dress wasn't made to the measurements that were taken, it's about 2 inches too small in the waist. It's not my fault, but I feel like the biggest fatty regardless.
In spite of my current mood, I enjoyed my Hen's Day. I had my friends and family there, I ate, drank, and was merry. I had my makeup trial that morning so looked gorgeous and the dress I was wearing makes me feel amazing. I put everything behind me (as well as the sneaky weigh-in that had me a few kgs up... kgs!!) and just had fun. I plan on getting married only once, so this is my one chance to be the Hen. I don't want to be missing out on having fun because I'm trying not to eat or drink - that's not living.
I've got a couple of things going on this week, a few things that are going to be quite challenging emotionally (gotta get my big girl panties out, suck it up, and deal with it!), a few dinners out that I'll have to be careful with... but at some point, I've just got to stop making excuses for why this is so hard for me and just eat right and exercise consistently. That's all I have to do. Why can't I do it?
Leaving you with a pic of the Hen. Cheers!
And then the champagne made me rowdy...
The spread was fantastic:
Geez, my mum puts on a good party :) And I wonder why I think food and drink make me happy.... because they do!!!
Wednesday, 13 November 2013
A blur.
That's what the last 10 days have been. A blur. In a haze of moving, and final performances, and wedding preparation, I've been trying to get back on track. It hasn't really been working, because I've put on a couple of kilos in the last few weeks. Not too many, but enough to give me a bit of a wake-up call. Enough to make me want to snap out of this 'plateau' that is actually just me being really slack, and not really a plateau at all.
Tomorrow, I try on my dress for the first time. I'm scared. What if it doesn't fit? What if it's too small and the dressmaker can't fix it? What if I've spent $3000 on something that I cannot wear? I know it won't be out by much - I'm the same weight as I was when I first went to the bridal shop, but it doesn't make it any easier to believe that it will be okay. There's nothing I can do about it now, though.
Life is almost back to normal - we're pretty much moved in, Dave will be back at work Monday, and I'm back on LnE full time. I'm committed to not being persuaded to head over to the cafe at lunchtime. I can't say I'll be strong enough not to have takeaway for dinner if Dave chooses to, or to not have chocolate, but I will be strong enough to say no to this one thing. This is not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.
I also have slacked off on the exercise - averaging about 4000 steps a day, which is far shy of the 10,000 minimum I was getting just a few months ago. Gym has to come before couch, every day. It HAS to.
I thought about registering for 12WBT again, but I can't do that for the rest of my life. I have to just do this. Just live. Make wise choices, say no sometimes, say yes sometimes, and EXPERIENCE life. It's hard, but it can be done. It will be done.
Tomorrow, I try on my dress for the first time. I'm scared. What if it doesn't fit? What if it's too small and the dressmaker can't fix it? What if I've spent $3000 on something that I cannot wear? I know it won't be out by much - I'm the same weight as I was when I first went to the bridal shop, but it doesn't make it any easier to believe that it will be okay. There's nothing I can do about it now, though.
Life is almost back to normal - we're pretty much moved in, Dave will be back at work Monday, and I'm back on LnE full time. I'm committed to not being persuaded to head over to the cafe at lunchtime. I can't say I'll be strong enough not to have takeaway for dinner if Dave chooses to, or to not have chocolate, but I will be strong enough to say no to this one thing. This is not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.
I also have slacked off on the exercise - averaging about 4000 steps a day, which is far shy of the 10,000 minimum I was getting just a few months ago. Gym has to come before couch, every day. It HAS to.
I thought about registering for 12WBT again, but I can't do that for the rest of my life. I have to just do this. Just live. Make wise choices, say no sometimes, say yes sometimes, and EXPERIENCE life. It's hard, but it can be done. It will be done.
Sunday, 3 November 2013
You've got to accentuate the positive,
Eliminate the negative,
Latch on to the affirmative...
It's amazing what a difference a change in attitude makes. Dave is home. We have an amazing house to move into. Yes, I'm doing this all on my own, but I AM CAPABLE of doing this all on my own. I have had countless offers of help from friends and family, and I am eternally grateful for all of their support. I'm yet to take anyone up on their offers, but it's good to know that the help is only a phone call away if I need it.
After Dave was released from hospital on Thursday, things in my world started looking better. I spent the evening hatching the game plan for the move, thought it all through, and felt a lot better going to bed. Friday morning, we went to the Real Estate Agents and Dave signed his part of the lease and the rest of the paperwork. We got the keys, and I dropped him at home before heading to the house to complete the inspection. After that, I went to work. I'd had enough time off, and felt ridiculously guilty I put in a few hours there before my boss (who is extremely understanding) decided I'd done enough and sent me home again.
Saturday I followed the plan to a tee, packing and moving a lot of our stuff by the carload. Today I was able to move a little, and even found time to go shopping for a dress for my boss's wedding/the work Xmas party. I was super impressed to walk into City Chic (a big-girl's shop!) and have to buy the XS in a dress. I know their sizing is extremely generous and made to make big girls feel smaller - and all of this psychology worked a treat on me this afternoon! Last year, I weighed the same as I do now, and my dress was a little bigger. Part of the change is the added strength training from the earlier part of this year. Part of it is that I now feel comfortable in figure-hugging clothes.
I'm not going to hide behind layers any more. Bigger isn't always better. I have a waist. I need to embrace it, show it off. Inspire myself to improve my body and my mind so that my strength shines through.
No matter what the world throws at me, I am strong.
Latch on to the affirmative...
It's amazing what a difference a change in attitude makes. Dave is home. We have an amazing house to move into. Yes, I'm doing this all on my own, but I AM CAPABLE of doing this all on my own. I have had countless offers of help from friends and family, and I am eternally grateful for all of their support. I'm yet to take anyone up on their offers, but it's good to know that the help is only a phone call away if I need it.
After Dave was released from hospital on Thursday, things in my world started looking better. I spent the evening hatching the game plan for the move, thought it all through, and felt a lot better going to bed. Friday morning, we went to the Real Estate Agents and Dave signed his part of the lease and the rest of the paperwork. We got the keys, and I dropped him at home before heading to the house to complete the inspection. After that, I went to work. I'd had enough time off, and felt ridiculously guilty I put in a few hours there before my boss (who is extremely understanding) decided I'd done enough and sent me home again.
Saturday I followed the plan to a tee, packing and moving a lot of our stuff by the carload. Today I was able to move a little, and even found time to go shopping for a dress for my boss's wedding/the work Xmas party. I was super impressed to walk into City Chic (a big-girl's shop!) and have to buy the XS in a dress. I know their sizing is extremely generous and made to make big girls feel smaller - and all of this psychology worked a treat on me this afternoon! Last year, I weighed the same as I do now, and my dress was a little bigger. Part of the change is the added strength training from the earlier part of this year. Part of it is that I now feel comfortable in figure-hugging clothes.
I'm not going to hide behind layers any more. Bigger isn't always better. I have a waist. I need to embrace it, show it off. Inspire myself to improve my body and my mind so that my strength shines through.
No matter what the world throws at me, I am strong.
Thursday, 31 October 2013
Kick me when I'm down.
Go on world, what else do you wanna throw at me?
Tuesday morning, I was woken at 4am with Dave writhing in pain. This continued until 6:30 when the alarm went off and I went to work, without him. He has had this pain in the past, and had ultrasounds, CT scans, a gastroscopy and an MRI - all showed NOTHING. At 9:00, he decided that he couldn't cope anymore, and I left work and took him to the hospital. 4 hours in Emergency, 4 hours in Triage, and an ultrasound later, he was admitted with Gallstones. I left him there overnight, and in the morning we were informed he would be having surgery. I took the following two days off work, and have spent countless hours sat in a (quite comfortable!) hospital chair, only going home to sleep and ducking out to eat. I tried to go to work on Wednesday morning and was promptly sent away (relief!) and called in last night while very teary and explained that I wouldn't be in Thursday.
Dave has had his gall bladder out, and now has the next two weeks off work and the following 6-8 weeks on light duties (no lifting). This is SUPER HELPFUL seeing as we are moving this weekend. Can't wait to do this all on my own :(
Tuesday morning, I was woken at 4am with Dave writhing in pain. This continued until 6:30 when the alarm went off and I went to work, without him. He has had this pain in the past, and had ultrasounds, CT scans, a gastroscopy and an MRI - all showed NOTHING. At 9:00, he decided that he couldn't cope anymore, and I left work and took him to the hospital. 4 hours in Emergency, 4 hours in Triage, and an ultrasound later, he was admitted with Gallstones. I left him there overnight, and in the morning we were informed he would be having surgery. I took the following two days off work, and have spent countless hours sat in a (quite comfortable!) hospital chair, only going home to sleep and ducking out to eat. I tried to go to work on Wednesday morning and was promptly sent away (relief!) and called in last night while very teary and explained that I wouldn't be in Thursday.
Dave has had his gall bladder out, and now has the next two weeks off work and the following 6-8 weeks on light duties (no lifting). This is SUPER HELPFUL seeing as we are moving this weekend. Can't wait to do this all on my own :(
Sunday, 27 October 2013
Then life throws you a curveball.
This week was going to be the biggest week of my life. And then MORE shit happened.
First of all, this past Thursday was my last ever competitive performance of calisthenics. After 25 years, I am retired. The competition was in Ballarat - a trip my mum and I make each year, staying in a shitty hotel, eating shitty food (always the same things, it's tradition!). This year was different in that it was the first time we had a room to ourselves. Back in the cost-cutting days of childhood, we'd shared a room with two other mother/daughter combos. In later years, one of the girls moved on and it was just myself and my friend and our mothers. Last year, my friend found out at Ballarat that she was pregnant, so this year Mum and I had a room on our own. I was glad, as it was always going to be my last year, and it's awkward to tell someone that you just want to be alone, with your mum, to cry...
The comp was amazing. There are 9 of us retiring this year (out of the team of 17), and it was an emotionally charged day that was filled with tears both happy and sad, and a general appreciation of the sport which has given me so much and made me the person I am today. There were moments when I doubted my decision to give it up, but the endless hours of practice, the pain (I'm old, and have put a lot of strain on my poor knees being big all this time), the time... and the promise of a new life - marriage, babies - really drove it home that this is the time to do it. I drank in EVERY minute on that beautiful stage, in that beautiful theatre, with those beautiful people. There were many tears, many smiles, and much hearty laughter. There was a teeny tiny bit of stress, though, because of a letter we received on Monday.
We got given 120 days notice to 'vacate' our house. It's not an eviction notice, and we've done nothing wrong, but come February 16th, 2014, we can no longer live in this house. 120 days is a really long time - until you factor in what is going on in our lives at that time. We're getting MARRIED ON NEW YEAR'S EVE. We're going on our honeymoon for an entire MONTH from mid January to mid February. So we have to be out before the honeymoon, before the wedding, before Christmas. So now. Yeah, now.
We inspected a property (thankfully managed by the same place that we are currently with) on Wednesday, filled in the application, and got approved on Friday afternoon. So this week, instead of enjoying my free time now that cali is over, I'm packing to move at some point in the next two weeks. The new place is 5 minutes drive from here, and we've worked out that we'll probably be able to move most of our stuff in small trips each night, with a couple of trips in the truck that Dave can get from work for the big items. We're signing the lease on Tuesday (and handing over all our savings - sad face) and should be able to get the keys before next weekend. We've then got to give 2 weeks notice here seeing as we won't be taking the full 120 days to vacate and then we've got that time to move and get this place professionally cleaned. Phew.
So, needless to say, the exercise and diet is going terribly. Not terribly, I still managed an almost 2 hour walk today and have eaten fairly well - but I'm not expecting miracles on the scale in the morning, or for the next few weeks at least. I have completed my shakesperiment (terrible, horrible, can't stick to it and should never have tried to) and re-committed to LnE.
That's my update... More insight will follow as I've just spent 2 weeks reading a blog that has inspired me and my thoughts in the last few days. Hopefully I'll be able to find an hour or so to write about it. Possibly during *shh* work time.
First of all, this past Thursday was my last ever competitive performance of calisthenics. After 25 years, I am retired. The competition was in Ballarat - a trip my mum and I make each year, staying in a shitty hotel, eating shitty food (always the same things, it's tradition!). This year was different in that it was the first time we had a room to ourselves. Back in the cost-cutting days of childhood, we'd shared a room with two other mother/daughter combos. In later years, one of the girls moved on and it was just myself and my friend and our mothers. Last year, my friend found out at Ballarat that she was pregnant, so this year Mum and I had a room on our own. I was glad, as it was always going to be my last year, and it's awkward to tell someone that you just want to be alone, with your mum, to cry...
The comp was amazing. There are 9 of us retiring this year (out of the team of 17), and it was an emotionally charged day that was filled with tears both happy and sad, and a general appreciation of the sport which has given me so much and made me the person I am today. There were moments when I doubted my decision to give it up, but the endless hours of practice, the pain (I'm old, and have put a lot of strain on my poor knees being big all this time), the time... and the promise of a new life - marriage, babies - really drove it home that this is the time to do it. I drank in EVERY minute on that beautiful stage, in that beautiful theatre, with those beautiful people. There were many tears, many smiles, and much hearty laughter. There was a teeny tiny bit of stress, though, because of a letter we received on Monday.
We got given 120 days notice to 'vacate' our house. It's not an eviction notice, and we've done nothing wrong, but come February 16th, 2014, we can no longer live in this house. 120 days is a really long time - until you factor in what is going on in our lives at that time. We're getting MARRIED ON NEW YEAR'S EVE. We're going on our honeymoon for an entire MONTH from mid January to mid February. So we have to be out before the honeymoon, before the wedding, before Christmas. So now. Yeah, now.
We inspected a property (thankfully managed by the same place that we are currently with) on Wednesday, filled in the application, and got approved on Friday afternoon. So this week, instead of enjoying my free time now that cali is over, I'm packing to move at some point in the next two weeks. The new place is 5 minutes drive from here, and we've worked out that we'll probably be able to move most of our stuff in small trips each night, with a couple of trips in the truck that Dave can get from work for the big items. We're signing the lease on Tuesday (and handing over all our savings - sad face) and should be able to get the keys before next weekend. We've then got to give 2 weeks notice here seeing as we won't be taking the full 120 days to vacate and then we've got that time to move and get this place professionally cleaned. Phew.
So, needless to say, the exercise and diet is going terribly. Not terribly, I still managed an almost 2 hour walk today and have eaten fairly well - but I'm not expecting miracles on the scale in the morning, or for the next few weeks at least. I have completed my shakesperiment (terrible, horrible, can't stick to it and should never have tried to) and re-committed to LnE.
That's my update... More insight will follow as I've just spent 2 weeks reading a blog that has inspired me and my thoughts in the last few days. Hopefully I'll be able to find an hour or so to write about it. Possibly during *shh* work time.
Sunday, 20 October 2013
The week that was.
To be brutally honest, it was shit. The positivity that I had last Sunday up and left, and I've been in a funk all week. I've eaten whatever the hell I've wanted, even crammed things in when I felt physically sick. I'm chalking it all up to the visit from my monthly friend that I have been avoiding the past few months (thankyou, hormones in a foil pack!) but really felt like I needed to have.
That's over now, but I'm not sure that the funk is. I'm feeling really anxious about my wedding dress. I ordered it months ago, thankfully not too optimistically - in the size that I was when I tried it on. I only have to lose one inch around my waist (it's the only REALLY fitted part of the dress) and if I squeeze the tape measure, I'm there. I just don't want to turn up at the fitting in a few short weeks and have the dress not fit at all, and I don't know how to reassure myself that everything will be fine.
My mum has always made clothes for me, or I've had clothes in the cupboard that I want to wear for a specific occasion. Every few weeks, I try them on - see how I'm going, see what changes (if any) will need to be made. I can't in this instance, as the dress won't arrive from the dressmaker until the day before my first fitting. I don't know what the hell I'll do if it doesn't fit, and I'll be devastated if it doesn't. What a waste of money (and a stress to find something that DOES fit).
I dunno what the answer is, but I have to be patient. I cannot do anything until it arrives at the end of November. That's 4 more weeks (5, really) of me pfaffing about. I'm lost...
Sunday, 13 October 2013
Sunday Funday?
Depends what you call 'FUN', but I sure had a great day today. I started off laaaaazzzzyyy by getting out of bed at about 10am. We had a 1st birthday party to go to and needed to leave around 11, so we just bummed around on Facebook and such until it was time to go.
I had left my morning shake out on purpose, thinking that if I had a shake just before we left I'd be less likely to eat too much at the party - we were promised party food, soft drink, and a sausage sizzle. And cake. So I shook, and I quite enjoyed it. We got to the party venue to find no-one there. A quick check of my text messages and I realised we were an hour early. Oops!! I suggested going for a short walk just as the heavens opened, so we shelved that idea and stayed in the car playing Candy Crush until it was party time.
I had a sausage - is there anything better than a sausage in fresh white bread with a smothering of tomato sauce? I think no! Before I knew it, it was cake time, and I had a slice. I figured I'd passed up two cakes at work last week, and skipped on all the party food except the sausage, so I was putting all my excuses and reasons in a bag and eating the bloody cake. It was delicious - chocolate mud cake with fondant icing. A few minutes later, I was in a sugar coma...
We got home at about 4, and I got changed and headed to the gym. 90 minutes on the treadmill, with a few running and jogging spurts, and 30 minutes of upper body strength training, and it was time to go home. I mostly stayed at the gym so long because I knew I'd want to eat as soon as I got home, and any time before 6 was not going to bode well for the rest of the evening. Prawn Stir Fry was delicious, once again.
I'd been needing to burn some CDs for cali for a few weeks and really needed to get them done for tomorrow night, but we didn't have any blank ones at home so I had to go back out. I hit Coles and got CDs and suddenly realised there was also a bag of Natural Confectionery Jelly Babies in my hand as well, as I was walking back to the car. I ripped open the packet like the sugar fiend I am, and then realised what I was doing. Checking the label, I found that one serving is 5 babies. 5 babies? Ok, count out 5 and put the rest away. Check. Eat said babies. Check. Eat 5 more. Check. WTF ARE YOU DOING??? STOP!!!
Bag away, I was home. Logged everything into MFP, silent high-5 for the 15k step day according to Fitbit. Silent scolding for lollies, but pat on the back for stopping and not eating the whole packet on the 4 minute drive home. Lollies were nice, and I'm sure I'll appreciate them more each day as I count out 5 and enjoy them in my own time. Sugar free ain't me!
What's the plan for this week? Well, I have a few more days' worth of the 'Rapid' shakes, and to be honest, I'm not as hungry as I was the first few days. I'm going to keep it up, making sure I have ready access to the snack and meal replacement bars at work as well to mix it up a bit. Once the 'Rapid' shakes are gone, there are about 10 days' worth of the 'Trim' shakes and I'm 90% sure I'm going to complete the 17 days. I cannot be as restrictive as the program prescribes, because I'll just throw it all in. I know me. But I will keep at it, continue to make delicious stir fries for dinner, and continue to say no MOST of the time to treats.
I read somewhere that time will pass regardless of how you spend it, so make the most of what you have. I'm not an 'all-in-gung-ho-get-it-done' kinda girl, but I am a 'give-it-your-best-and-get-it-done-most-of-the-time' kinda girl. Right now, that's all I'm asking of myself. It's working, I'm in a positive mindset, and that's fun!
I had left my morning shake out on purpose, thinking that if I had a shake just before we left I'd be less likely to eat too much at the party - we were promised party food, soft drink, and a sausage sizzle. And cake. So I shook, and I quite enjoyed it. We got to the party venue to find no-one there. A quick check of my text messages and I realised we were an hour early. Oops!! I suggested going for a short walk just as the heavens opened, so we shelved that idea and stayed in the car playing Candy Crush until it was party time.
I had a sausage - is there anything better than a sausage in fresh white bread with a smothering of tomato sauce? I think no! Before I knew it, it was cake time, and I had a slice. I figured I'd passed up two cakes at work last week, and skipped on all the party food except the sausage, so I was putting all my excuses and reasons in a bag and eating the bloody cake. It was delicious - chocolate mud cake with fondant icing. A few minutes later, I was in a sugar coma...
We got home at about 4, and I got changed and headed to the gym. 90 minutes on the treadmill, with a few running and jogging spurts, and 30 minutes of upper body strength training, and it was time to go home. I mostly stayed at the gym so long because I knew I'd want to eat as soon as I got home, and any time before 6 was not going to bode well for the rest of the evening. Prawn Stir Fry was delicious, once again.
I'd been needing to burn some CDs for cali for a few weeks and really needed to get them done for tomorrow night, but we didn't have any blank ones at home so I had to go back out. I hit Coles and got CDs and suddenly realised there was also a bag of Natural Confectionery Jelly Babies in my hand as well, as I was walking back to the car. I ripped open the packet like the sugar fiend I am, and then realised what I was doing. Checking the label, I found that one serving is 5 babies. 5 babies? Ok, count out 5 and put the rest away. Check. Eat said babies. Check. Eat 5 more. Check. WTF ARE YOU DOING??? STOP!!!
Bag away, I was home. Logged everything into MFP, silent high-5 for the 15k step day according to Fitbit. Silent scolding for lollies, but pat on the back for stopping and not eating the whole packet on the 4 minute drive home. Lollies were nice, and I'm sure I'll appreciate them more each day as I count out 5 and enjoy them in my own time. Sugar free ain't me!
What's the plan for this week? Well, I have a few more days' worth of the 'Rapid' shakes, and to be honest, I'm not as hungry as I was the first few days. I'm going to keep it up, making sure I have ready access to the snack and meal replacement bars at work as well to mix it up a bit. Once the 'Rapid' shakes are gone, there are about 10 days' worth of the 'Trim' shakes and I'm 90% sure I'm going to complete the 17 days. I cannot be as restrictive as the program prescribes, because I'll just throw it all in. I know me. But I will keep at it, continue to make delicious stir fries for dinner, and continue to say no MOST of the time to treats.
I read somewhere that time will pass regardless of how you spend it, so make the most of what you have. I'm not an 'all-in-gung-ho-get-it-done' kinda girl, but I am a 'give-it-your-best-and-get-it-done-most-of-the-time' kinda girl. Right now, that's all I'm asking of myself. It's working, I'm in a positive mindset, and that's fun!
Saturday, 12 October 2013
Another day, another shake (or two!)
Today went well - sleep in, shakes for breakky and lunch, big walk in the evening (Loving Daylight Savings!!) and a sensible dinner.
This was Prawn Stir Fry that I made up tonight - small amount of noodles and bucketloads of bean shoots that I think take on a noodley kinda role in a dish like this. The sauce was a mixture of sweet chilli, hoisin, kecap manis and oyster sauce - I had lots of half jars and bottles in the fridge and couldn't decide on the flavour so I just chucked them all in. Turns out there was a little too much chilli, but I'll fix that next time :)
The good news is I made 3 portions, so no cooking tomorrow night. I'm not home Monday nights, but I will take it to work to have for lunch on Monday and make lunch my 'food' meal and have a shake for dinner between classes. I teach from 4:30-6:30 and then have my own class from 7-10 so that half hour isn't really enough time to organise a proper dinner, and if I don't eat, I know I'll end up at Maccas like I have every Monday since February.
I kinda fell over and landed on a Honeycomb Maxibon after dinner. Well... ok... I didn't fall on it, I got it from the freezer... There are no excuses. I wanted an icecream, it was there, I had it. I'm still WAYYY under my calories for the day thanks to the shakes and the walk, and I don't feel one bit guilty. Guilt is something I no longer wish to feel about food. The shakes allow me to have the occasional splurge - I just need to not make it a regular thing (once or twice a week should be fine!).
Shakesperiment SUCKS!!
Friday went fairly well, shake in the morning, shake in the lunchtime, shake in the arvo. Temptation all around and willpower prevailed. It didn't prevail once we got home and Dave suggested ordering Parma and chips from the local. Nor did it prevail when the gelato arrived.
I did end the day with a few calories remaining - namely thanks to the 45 minute walk/jog/run that happened in the AM. Carbs and I are friends. Low carb and I don't get along.
I will continue the experiment, but I won't get the results, because I'm doing it wrong. I guess at least my losses will be there because of calorie restriction, and not because of losing water due to having no carbs in my body. My loss may not be just fat, but it will be a loss. Strength training will ensure muscle loss is minimal. I guess we'll see what happens on Monday at weigh-in...
I did end the day with a few calories remaining - namely thanks to the 45 minute walk/jog/run that happened in the AM. Carbs and I are friends. Low carb and I don't get along.
I will continue the experiment, but I won't get the results, because I'm doing it wrong. I guess at least my losses will be there because of calorie restriction, and not because of losing water due to having no carbs in my body. My loss may not be just fat, but it will be a loss. Strength training will ensure muscle loss is minimal. I guess we'll see what happens on Monday at weigh-in...
Thursday, 10 October 2013
The first 'real' day
Today was the first 'real' day where I followed the program to the letter. Or at least, I tried to. Yesterday was awesome for the most part, but we did have pizza for dinner, so I didn't stick to the 'low-no carbs for dinner' guideline. Today, however, I stuck to everything.
After my 7am shake, I was going well. 8am arrived, and my heart sank as a coworker arrived with a caramel mudcake from the Cheesecake Shop. My absolute FAVOURITE cake in the world. The hunger kicked in around 10:30am, after I ignored the cravings for cake all morning. I patiently waited for 11am to arrive and made my second shake. Still no cake.
Lunch break. 12:30pm. My colleague and I went out on break, and it was a little awkward watching her eat her muffins and cheese, but I stuck with it. Back to my desk, and some kind soul had placed a slice of cake on it. Are you joking?? I didn't eat it. I gave it to another coworker. It was bloody hard, but I did it. Only another hour until my next shake. True hunger set in - headache, stomach pains, cravings. I'm not sure that I've ever FELT hunger before - I've always given in to cravings right away. It was satisfying to say no and not give in. I also have the 500 or so Freddos sitting on display on my desk, and I said no to those as well.
2pm. Shake time. I was fine then until about 5pm. I'd finished work at 4, gone to Coles to pick up the vegies for dinner tonight. I didn't buy chocolate, chips, lollies, icecream, or bread. Or cake. Like I wanted to, or usually would have. Waiting for Dave to come out of work was hard. It had been 3 hours since my last shake and I was beginning to feel the hunger again. Water didn't help (I've drunk 3 litres today!), and I was having thoughts of giving up. Driving home, traffic was crap, and the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym.
We got home, changed, and I got back in the car. I have my snack bars in the boot ready for next week and I have to admit I had one of those on the way to the shops. There was no way I was going into a shopping centre containing all sorts of deliciousness on a rumbly tummy. I had a list of things I needed to get at the supermarket (because I hadn't thought about things like shampoo and toilet paper in my single-minded 'vegies' shop an hour before), and I ended up just getting those things and coming back home. I WILL NOT force myself to go to the gym when my body is tired and my head isn't in it. I don't want to resent going, or make it a place that is not positive for me. So I didn't go - I walked a couple of laps of the supermarket, and came home to cook dinner. I made a stir-fry with heaps of veg for 650 calories (no rice or noodles, but bean sprouts!) and ate my mountain of food.
Sitting here 3 hours later, I'm a little peckish. Not starving, not hungry even, but just a little peckish. Let's see how tomorrow goes.
After my 7am shake, I was going well. 8am arrived, and my heart sank as a coworker arrived with a caramel mudcake from the Cheesecake Shop. My absolute FAVOURITE cake in the world. The hunger kicked in around 10:30am, after I ignored the cravings for cake all morning. I patiently waited for 11am to arrive and made my second shake. Still no cake.
Lunch break. 12:30pm. My colleague and I went out on break, and it was a little awkward watching her eat her muffins and cheese, but I stuck with it. Back to my desk, and some kind soul had placed a slice of cake on it. Are you joking?? I didn't eat it. I gave it to another coworker. It was bloody hard, but I did it. Only another hour until my next shake. True hunger set in - headache, stomach pains, cravings. I'm not sure that I've ever FELT hunger before - I've always given in to cravings right away. It was satisfying to say no and not give in. I also have the 500 or so Freddos sitting on display on my desk, and I said no to those as well.
2pm. Shake time. I was fine then until about 5pm. I'd finished work at 4, gone to Coles to pick up the vegies for dinner tonight. I didn't buy chocolate, chips, lollies, icecream, or bread. Or cake. Like I wanted to, or usually would have. Waiting for Dave to come out of work was hard. It had been 3 hours since my last shake and I was beginning to feel the hunger again. Water didn't help (I've drunk 3 litres today!), and I was having thoughts of giving up. Driving home, traffic was crap, and the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym.
We got home, changed, and I got back in the car. I have my snack bars in the boot ready for next week and I have to admit I had one of those on the way to the shops. There was no way I was going into a shopping centre containing all sorts of deliciousness on a rumbly tummy. I had a list of things I needed to get at the supermarket (because I hadn't thought about things like shampoo and toilet paper in my single-minded 'vegies' shop an hour before), and I ended up just getting those things and coming back home. I WILL NOT force myself to go to the gym when my body is tired and my head isn't in it. I don't want to resent going, or make it a place that is not positive for me. So I didn't go - I walked a couple of laps of the supermarket, and came home to cook dinner. I made a stir-fry with heaps of veg for 650 calories (no rice or noodles, but bean sprouts!) and ate my mountain of food.
Sitting here 3 hours later, I'm a little peckish. Not starving, not hungry even, but just a little peckish. Let's see how tomorrow goes.
Wednesday, 9 October 2013
My 17 day 'shakesperiment'.
So today was the first day of my 17 day 'shakesperiment'. After receiving my shit in the mail yesterday and reading through the guidelines of the 'program' I decided to turn this into an experiment. I'm going to document how I feel - both hunger wise and my mood. Side effects seem to include irritability, crankiness, moodiness, dizziness, nausea and hunger. Sounds like fun, hey?
I thought I'd be able to have LnE dinners, but the program is essentially low carb, and dinner is suggested to consist of meat and veg - with little to no carbs. Most of the LnE dinners contain a high carb content, so they're out. I'll be buying some chicken breasts and steaks/marinated meats and cooking them on the George Forman Grill along with some steamed veg. Tonight, of course, is Pizza night, so I'm having a small one as a last hurrah.
I have enough powder to make shakes for the first 7 days of the 'Rapid' phase - 3 shakes a day plus dinner, no snacks. Then, I have enough of the 'Trim' shakes and snacks for a further 10 days of the next (you guessed it, Trim) phase where breakky and lunch are a shake or meal replacement bar and the snacks are a smaller meal replacement bar twice daily. The 'sensible' dinner is also recommended.
I was planning on not telling Dave, but I don't want to lie to him, so I told him tonight what I was doing. I was just going to order LnE and pretend I was eating it, but the dinner situation would prove difficult. I'm not that girl, who lies to her partner and sneaks around, so I told him that I want to do this, just for 3 weeks, to see what happens. He's not happy that I'm basically cutting out a whole food group (carbs) and to be honest I'm not sure that I'm thrilled about it either.
So why am I doing it?
I really want to know what it feels like to be on a low-carb diet. I'm 99% sure my body is going to react badly, but I'm also curious as to just how much weight I could lose in a few short weeks. I'm also curious what will happen in the following weeks - how much of the weight lost will return once carbs are re-introduced? How will my body react during the shakesperiment, and how will it react afterwards?
17 days to find out...
I thought I'd be able to have LnE dinners, but the program is essentially low carb, and dinner is suggested to consist of meat and veg - with little to no carbs. Most of the LnE dinners contain a high carb content, so they're out. I'll be buying some chicken breasts and steaks/marinated meats and cooking them on the George Forman Grill along with some steamed veg. Tonight, of course, is Pizza night, so I'm having a small one as a last hurrah.
I have enough powder to make shakes for the first 7 days of the 'Rapid' phase - 3 shakes a day plus dinner, no snacks. Then, I have enough of the 'Trim' shakes and snacks for a further 10 days of the next (you guessed it, Trim) phase where breakky and lunch are a shake or meal replacement bar and the snacks are a smaller meal replacement bar twice daily. The 'sensible' dinner is also recommended.
I was planning on not telling Dave, but I don't want to lie to him, so I told him tonight what I was doing. I was just going to order LnE and pretend I was eating it, but the dinner situation would prove difficult. I'm not that girl, who lies to her partner and sneaks around, so I told him that I want to do this, just for 3 weeks, to see what happens. He's not happy that I'm basically cutting out a whole food group (carbs) and to be honest I'm not sure that I'm thrilled about it either.
So why am I doing it?
I really want to know what it feels like to be on a low-carb diet. I'm 99% sure my body is going to react badly, but I'm also curious as to just how much weight I could lose in a few short weeks. I'm also curious what will happen in the following weeks - how much of the weight lost will return once carbs are re-introduced? How will my body react during the shakesperiment, and how will it react afterwards?
17 days to find out...
Sunday, 6 October 2013
Weekend Wrap Up
I woke up on Saturday with no improvement to the arm situation. Sad face. The show must go on, however, so I sucked it up and got on with my day. We started off with a breakfast at Lazy Moe's. For anyone who doesn't know, pretty much the aim of this restaurant is to serve giant, delicious meals at a reasonable price. They do it very well. I chose the French Toast with bacon and maple syrup, and as we ate at about 9:30 decided it would be lunch as well.
I headed off to Mum's after getting ready for the comp, for her to do my hair and have a last minute costume check. We went to the comp, did FUCKING AWESOMELY, and then it was all over. As I knew, once I got on stage and the adrenalin was pumping, I didn't notice the pain from my stupidity. After each item, though, getting changed for the next one, it hurt again. Weird. We came runner's up (2nd) overall, so it was a very successful outing. It came right down to the last item, and we won it (our coaches have done a brilliant job with a brilliant concept that blows the audience - and the judge - away EVERY TIME). It's such a thrill and I'm really going to miss it once it's over for the year.
This year is my last year of competing at Cali. Most don't last into their 30s, especially at this level, and I think I've done bloody well to get where I have. The truth, though, is that it's time to start a family. I might come back to it in a few years, but it will be to 'Masters' where the competition isn't quite as tough and the commitment is nowhere near as high. I'm so so sad to be finishing but I've had a great 25 years, full of highs and lows, fun and tears. It's time to start the next chapter of my life.
Anyway, back to the weekend. I finished off the night with the usual celebration at Macca's. I've been trying to listen to my hunger cues and not eat 'just because'. During the night Mum had offered me a choc chip cookie and a Kit Kat, both of which I refused because I didn't actually feel like them. I did have a pizza roll about halfway through the comp, and only ate that because although I wasn't hungry, I started to feel a bit dizzy coming off stage. At Maccas, we usually get a full meal each (at 11pm... crazy!!) but I told Mum to choose between the burger and the fries and we would split a meal. Good choice. I had the burger, she had the fries, and I got through the day almost even on calories.
This morning was daylight savings changeover, so we lost an hour. A little sleep-in, and we headed off to the Queen Vic Market for a browse. An hour or so of wandering around and we came home for lunch, having managed to avoid all the deliciousness that IS the market. We didn't buy anything else, just wandered around. It was a lovely morning, beautiful sunshine, not too hot, not too cold.
I had a quick lunch, after realising we hadn't eaten breaky either. LnE all the way, then I headed off to the gym. I did some intervals on the treadmill for 30 mins and then decided to back up the strength training the other day and keep it going. Another half hour of upper-body work and I was about to leave when I noticed this big guy that has been at the gym in the last week or so. When I say big, I mean BIG. Bigger than anyone I've EVER seen. He struggles to fit between the side rails of the treadmill. Yet he's there. EVERY TIME I have been there this week.
I watched this guy today, not creepily (I hope), but in awe of what he was doing. He's trying. He's sweating. He's there. I used to be that girl. The girl who could only walk on the treadmill because she couldn't do anything else. The girl that turned up every day and just did it because she wanted something more. I realised I still am that girl. The girl who needs to turn up every day and do what needs to be done.
I ordered Celebrity Slim last week. Yes, I know. It's not real food. It's a meal replacement shake, designed to sort-of fill you up while you're pretending you're not hungry. I'm going to do it for 3 weeks - the first is the 'Rapid' phase, where you drink 3 shakes a day and have a 'normal' dinner (in my case it'll be LnE). The next phase is the 'Trim' phase where you have 2 shakes and two snacks a day, then a 'normal' dinner. I'll do that stage for two weeks. At the end of the 3 weeks I'll assess and see if my hunger/irritability is worth the weight loss. I'm banking on it not being, but I'm hoping that the weight loss will be enough to kick start my motivation again. It should all arrive in the next day or so, so I'll begin as soon as it does.
I've got this.
I headed off to Mum's after getting ready for the comp, for her to do my hair and have a last minute costume check. We went to the comp, did FUCKING AWESOMELY, and then it was all over. As I knew, once I got on stage and the adrenalin was pumping, I didn't notice the pain from my stupidity. After each item, though, getting changed for the next one, it hurt again. Weird. We came runner's up (2nd) overall, so it was a very successful outing. It came right down to the last item, and we won it (our coaches have done a brilliant job with a brilliant concept that blows the audience - and the judge - away EVERY TIME). It's such a thrill and I'm really going to miss it once it's over for the year.
This year is my last year of competing at Cali. Most don't last into their 30s, especially at this level, and I think I've done bloody well to get where I have. The truth, though, is that it's time to start a family. I might come back to it in a few years, but it will be to 'Masters' where the competition isn't quite as tough and the commitment is nowhere near as high. I'm so so sad to be finishing but I've had a great 25 years, full of highs and lows, fun and tears. It's time to start the next chapter of my life.
Anyway, back to the weekend. I finished off the night with the usual celebration at Macca's. I've been trying to listen to my hunger cues and not eat 'just because'. During the night Mum had offered me a choc chip cookie and a Kit Kat, both of which I refused because I didn't actually feel like them. I did have a pizza roll about halfway through the comp, and only ate that because although I wasn't hungry, I started to feel a bit dizzy coming off stage. At Maccas, we usually get a full meal each (at 11pm... crazy!!) but I told Mum to choose between the burger and the fries and we would split a meal. Good choice. I had the burger, she had the fries, and I got through the day almost even on calories.
This morning was daylight savings changeover, so we lost an hour. A little sleep-in, and we headed off to the Queen Vic Market for a browse. An hour or so of wandering around and we came home for lunch, having managed to avoid all the deliciousness that IS the market. We didn't buy anything else, just wandered around. It was a lovely morning, beautiful sunshine, not too hot, not too cold.
I had a quick lunch, after realising we hadn't eaten breaky either. LnE all the way, then I headed off to the gym. I did some intervals on the treadmill for 30 mins and then decided to back up the strength training the other day and keep it going. Another half hour of upper-body work and I was about to leave when I noticed this big guy that has been at the gym in the last week or so. When I say big, I mean BIG. Bigger than anyone I've EVER seen. He struggles to fit between the side rails of the treadmill. Yet he's there. EVERY TIME I have been there this week.
I watched this guy today, not creepily (I hope), but in awe of what he was doing. He's trying. He's sweating. He's there. I used to be that girl. The girl who could only walk on the treadmill because she couldn't do anything else. The girl that turned up every day and just did it because she wanted something more. I realised I still am that girl. The girl who needs to turn up every day and do what needs to be done.
I ordered Celebrity Slim last week. Yes, I know. It's not real food. It's a meal replacement shake, designed to sort-of fill you up while you're pretending you're not hungry. I'm going to do it for 3 weeks - the first is the 'Rapid' phase, where you drink 3 shakes a day and have a 'normal' dinner (in my case it'll be LnE). The next phase is the 'Trim' phase where you have 2 shakes and two snacks a day, then a 'normal' dinner. I'll do that stage for two weeks. At the end of the 3 weeks I'll assess and see if my hunger/irritability is worth the weight loss. I'm banking on it not being, but I'm hoping that the weight loss will be enough to kick start my motivation again. It should all arrive in the next day or so, so I'll begin as soon as it does.
I've got this.
Friday, 4 October 2013
This is what happens when you...
... don't do strength training for about six months, and then do, again.
I can hardly straighten or lift my arms from a lazy 30 reps of bicep curls and 30 reps of tricep extensions. Two days ago. OUCH!
The stupid thing is, I have a competition for Cali tomorrow night and I kinda need my arms for that. I've done a bit of self-massage tonight and will do the same in the morning to try and get rid of the lactic acid or whatever it is that is causing me pain. It's not an injury, just soreness, but boy I chose the wrong week to start upping the intensity. Six more weeks of cali and then I'm done for the year, so I'll tone it down (not cut it, just dial it back a smidge) until that's over.
In other news, I discovered yesterday that my gym has opened an outlet right near my work. My gym is one of those 24/7 keypass entry gyms where the key works at EVERY OUTLET IN THE WORLD. It's super convenient because it means that when we travel, we have no excuse not to exercise. It also means that I have access to a gym right near home, cali/mum & dads, and work. Wherever I am, if I have half an hour spare, I can get some steps or a good workout in.
I dropped in there this morning for a walk. The equipment is so very new there, it took me a little while to work out how to even turn the treadmill on!! Luckily it wasn't too busy between 7am and 8am, which is the time I will be regularly going - there is a great range of equipment in both the cardio and strength sections. It's definitely taking away my 'bad weather' excuse for morning training.
I haven't hit 12,000 steps on any day yet this month, but I have felt my whole attitude change. I like it.
I can hardly straighten or lift my arms from a lazy 30 reps of bicep curls and 30 reps of tricep extensions. Two days ago. OUCH!
The stupid thing is, I have a competition for Cali tomorrow night and I kinda need my arms for that. I've done a bit of self-massage tonight and will do the same in the morning to try and get rid of the lactic acid or whatever it is that is causing me pain. It's not an injury, just soreness, but boy I chose the wrong week to start upping the intensity. Six more weeks of cali and then I'm done for the year, so I'll tone it down (not cut it, just dial it back a smidge) until that's over.
In other news, I discovered yesterday that my gym has opened an outlet right near my work. My gym is one of those 24/7 keypass entry gyms where the key works at EVERY OUTLET IN THE WORLD. It's super convenient because it means that when we travel, we have no excuse not to exercise. It also means that I have access to a gym right near home, cali/mum & dads, and work. Wherever I am, if I have half an hour spare, I can get some steps or a good workout in.
I dropped in there this morning for a walk. The equipment is so very new there, it took me a little while to work out how to even turn the treadmill on!! Luckily it wasn't too busy between 7am and 8am, which is the time I will be regularly going - there is a great range of equipment in both the cardio and strength sections. It's definitely taking away my 'bad weather' excuse for morning training.
I haven't hit 12,000 steps on any day yet this month, but I have felt my whole attitude change. I like it.
Wednesday, 2 October 2013
Steptember Lessons
I had a few goals for Steptember, and now that it's over, I thought I'd reflect on what I've learned. My guidelines were:
-10,000 steps per day, no matter how
-Own my food choices
-Make Mondays better
I went very well on the step count. I had only 2 days out of 30 where I missed my 10,000 target. My average step count over the 30 days was 11,319. This is almost double my average daily step count as at June 30, so I'm really happy with that. To be honest, it really hasn't been that hard. Sometimes just 20-30 minutes stepping on the spot while watching TV was all it took to bump me up to the 10,000. Incidental exercise also helped - taking the long way to the loo at work, parking a bit further away at the shops. I also didn't care that I looked like an idiot on morning and afternoon breaks at work, marching on the spot while chatting to a colleague who refused to walk up and down the street in her killer heels. The price some people pay for fashion is ridiculous. I swear I will never understand it.
Owning my food choices is still a struggle. I am consciously making decisions I know are not the best, but I make them anyway. I talk myself out of the best choices constantly, and I DO NOT KNOW WHY. I am proud of one small achievement though. I don't know if I've mentioned my fundraising efforts for my big walk, but we've ordered 800 or so Cadbury chockies to sell. I've currently got about 500 of them at my desk, in boxes, out on display during business hours. In the past, with fundraising chocolates, I buy most of them myself and eat them. Probably between 5 and 7 a day, because you've gotta have one of every flavour and you can't decide on just one so you eat them all. WELL. I made a decision when they arrived that I was eating just the ones that melted in the car during pickup. I ate three of them in one go and felt awfully sick, so I threw the rest out (about 20 of them!) to avoid further self-destruction. That still left me with 500 various goodies to tempt me. I'm allowing myself ONE per day.
The part that I'm proud of is that there has not been one day that I have gone over quota. Today, I didn't even have one! Sure, there've been other slips and mishaps along the way (namely with other treats and the irresistible pull of the cafe across the road), but my big downfall, chocolate, is beginning to come under control. I will never be cured, and I will never NOT eat it, but I do want to get a handle on my uncontrollable mindless gorging.
Realising that I don't eat because I am hungry has also been a lesson. I joked that I eat because my mouth is empty, and it's not really that funny. It's scary. I've begun to look into Overeaters Anonymous and am seriously considering trying to find a meeting. The only hesitation I have is that they ask you to surrender to the fact that another power is in control (God, whatever higher power you believe in) and I struggle with that concept. I am so far refusing to accept that I am not in control, despite evidence to the contrary. I want to own my choices, not surrender to someone else. I feel like that might make it easier to blame someone other than myself. I don't know... it's all so confusing...
Mondays have been better - although still not perfect. I'm not stopping at Macca's at 10pm just because I feel like it. If I'm not hungry, I don't go. That's a bonus!
Choctober is a bust. There is no way I can go without chocolate. So let's set some realistic guidelines for October. The step thing really worked in September. I want to up my average step count again. I also need to adjust my food - instead of having a hard and fast calorie target, I'm going to have a target range of net calories. For those of you who don't know, net calories are whatever you eat minus whatever you exercise. My Fitbit gives me a rough estimate of what I have burned, so with accurate food logging this is very possible.
The numbers:
-12,000 average daily step count for the month of October.
-Net calories between 1500 and 1700 daily.
How can I get the numbers to work?
-Get stepping. Make a concerted effort to get to the gym or to the beach, EVERY day.
-Stop eating once I hit 1700 calories for the day. Regardless of when it is. If I want chocolate, I eat it until there are no calories left. I'll soon learn that dinner is more important than instant gratification. Or I'll actually know what it feels like to be hungry.
What do you think? Can I do it?
-10,000 steps per day, no matter how
-Own my food choices
-Make Mondays better
I went very well on the step count. I had only 2 days out of 30 where I missed my 10,000 target. My average step count over the 30 days was 11,319. This is almost double my average daily step count as at June 30, so I'm really happy with that. To be honest, it really hasn't been that hard. Sometimes just 20-30 minutes stepping on the spot while watching TV was all it took to bump me up to the 10,000. Incidental exercise also helped - taking the long way to the loo at work, parking a bit further away at the shops. I also didn't care that I looked like an idiot on morning and afternoon breaks at work, marching on the spot while chatting to a colleague who refused to walk up and down the street in her killer heels. The price some people pay for fashion is ridiculous. I swear I will never understand it.
Owning my food choices is still a struggle. I am consciously making decisions I know are not the best, but I make them anyway. I talk myself out of the best choices constantly, and I DO NOT KNOW WHY. I am proud of one small achievement though. I don't know if I've mentioned my fundraising efforts for my big walk, but we've ordered 800 or so Cadbury chockies to sell. I've currently got about 500 of them at my desk, in boxes, out on display during business hours. In the past, with fundraising chocolates, I buy most of them myself and eat them. Probably between 5 and 7 a day, because you've gotta have one of every flavour and you can't decide on just one so you eat them all. WELL. I made a decision when they arrived that I was eating just the ones that melted in the car during pickup. I ate three of them in one go and felt awfully sick, so I threw the rest out (about 20 of them!) to avoid further self-destruction. That still left me with 500 various goodies to tempt me. I'm allowing myself ONE per day.
The part that I'm proud of is that there has not been one day that I have gone over quota. Today, I didn't even have one! Sure, there've been other slips and mishaps along the way (namely with other treats and the irresistible pull of the cafe across the road), but my big downfall, chocolate, is beginning to come under control. I will never be cured, and I will never NOT eat it, but I do want to get a handle on my uncontrollable mindless gorging.
Realising that I don't eat because I am hungry has also been a lesson. I joked that I eat because my mouth is empty, and it's not really that funny. It's scary. I've begun to look into Overeaters Anonymous and am seriously considering trying to find a meeting. The only hesitation I have is that they ask you to surrender to the fact that another power is in control (God, whatever higher power you believe in) and I struggle with that concept. I am so far refusing to accept that I am not in control, despite evidence to the contrary. I want to own my choices, not surrender to someone else. I feel like that might make it easier to blame someone other than myself. I don't know... it's all so confusing...
Mondays have been better - although still not perfect. I'm not stopping at Macca's at 10pm just because I feel like it. If I'm not hungry, I don't go. That's a bonus!
Choctober is a bust. There is no way I can go without chocolate. So let's set some realistic guidelines for October. The step thing really worked in September. I want to up my average step count again. I also need to adjust my food - instead of having a hard and fast calorie target, I'm going to have a target range of net calories. For those of you who don't know, net calories are whatever you eat minus whatever you exercise. My Fitbit gives me a rough estimate of what I have burned, so with accurate food logging this is very possible.
The numbers:
-12,000 average daily step count for the month of October.
-Net calories between 1500 and 1700 daily.
How can I get the numbers to work?
-Get stepping. Make a concerted effort to get to the gym or to the beach, EVERY day.
-Stop eating once I hit 1700 calories for the day. Regardless of when it is. If I want chocolate, I eat it until there are no calories left. I'll soon learn that dinner is more important than instant gratification. Or I'll actually know what it feels like to be hungry.
What do you think? Can I do it?
Thursday, 26 September 2013
The only way is up
It's almost the end of Steptember and I am pleased to report that I have only had 2 days where I have not met my target. One of those days I have already talked about. The second was this past Sunday. I had taken my first training walk on Saturday for another charity walk I have signed up for. I know I swore to never do silly things like that again but the truth is I enjoyed the challenge. I enjoyed the feeling of knowing everyone else thought I couldn't do it and then proving them wrong. This time it's 60km over 2 days. I'm sure I'll post a link on this blog closer to the event (March 2014) so keep an eye out. Anyway, back to the story.
So we went on a training walk that was supposed to be 10km, but turned out due to a comedy of errors to be closer to 15km. I was going to back it up by doing another big walk (10-15km) on the Sunday, but instead I just sat on the couch all day watching Dexter saying to myself 'at the end of the next episode I'll get up'. I didn't. I just sat there all day, until about 9:30pm when I felt so guilty I got out my Samsung tablet and walked on the spot while reading some weight loss and fitness blogs. I got to 8,000 steps by 11:30pm and gave up and went to bed. While I didn't achieve my 10,000 step goal, I had almost 30,000 steps for the weekend so I really don't feel bad at all. I know I wasn't going to accept averages, and I'm not making an excuse, but it doesn't mean I can't feel a tiny sense of achievement for getting off the couch and doing SOMETHING.
Food, on the other hand, has been a disaster. I just can't get my head around it. I was saying to my friend at work today, during lunch, that I have been contemplating lap-band surgery. I am 99% against surgical intervention, because I WANT to do this on my own, but there's that little part of me that thinks it's the easy way out and I just want to take it to be done with this shit. I know it's not easy, and it's very easy to put the weight back on after removal of the band. Gastric sleeve is something I wouldn't consider because I simply do not want to be taking vitamins and supplements for the rest of my life because my stomach won't hold enough basic food. Anyway, we were talking about it, and I said something off the cuff that made us both wet ourselves with laughter.
'I don't think it would work for me, because I don't eat because I'm hungry, I eat because my mouth is empty'
I realised in that split second that it was VERY true. A lap band wouldn't help me, gastric bypass wouldn't help me. I would eat until I vomited, and then I'd eat some more because I'd vomited and made some room. This scares me. I don't know how to get past it. I need much more than the latest fad or surgery. I just don't know what it is or where to find it.
I think it's all in my head, and I need to get my head right.
This walk I am doing is for research and support for Women's Cancers. There is a much higher fundraising requirement than the walk I did earlier in the year - I have to raise a minimum of $2k to qualify to walk. I'm doing it with a friend, so we have to raise a minimum of $4k together. That's a buttload of money. What have we done? We've ordered Cadbury chocolates to kickstart the fundraising. That's right, me, self confessed food addict, has boxes and boxes of chocolates in my possession. Waiting to be eaten. Normally, what I would do, is pick one of each flavour, say I'm having ONE a day, and then eat them all in one go. I'd do it again the next day, and the next, until they were all gone. This time, I've paid for EVERY SINGLE CHOCOLATE in my possession. $581 worth, to be precise.
The chocs got delivered to my friend who is home all day with her gorgeous newborn. She delivered them to me at our training walk, and because it was such a nice day, some of them got melted in the car. After I got home, I sorted them all out and separated out the melted ones, justifying to myself that they were the ones I was allowed to eat because I couldn't (in good conscience) sell them to someone else. $21 worth. This is the way my mind works. I'll help someone else not eat ruined melted chocolate by eating it myself! Go me! Raising money for a good cause!
I've taken the chocs to work and have them all under my desk. Each morning, I dutifully set them up to tempt anyone walking by my desk with my impressive array of variety of brightly coloured packaging. My sneaky box of melted ones sits at the bottom of the pile, just beckoning me to eat them. Yesterday, I put that box in my car. On the way home from work, I ate three. I felt sick. There were 17 left. I contemplated eating more. I don't know why, but I am VERY PROUD of what I did next. When I got home, I took that box out of my car. I opened the rubbish bin lid. I dumped them in the bin. I didn't take them out. They're gone.
I can't say I'll have that willpower for the 500 or so others that are by my desk, but I do know that I am determined to not do what I did (and have done) in the past. It's so tempting to have them next to me all day, but this is a test for me. A test I will fail more than once. I know this.
What do I need more than anything? To stop this cycle of binging. To stop thinking of food as a reward and start thinking of it as fuel for my body. Right now, this is the stupidest concept to me. One day, it will come naturally, but for now, I'll just have to do what I have always done and keep telling myself what I want to believe until it becomes reality. I know it works, because I now love myself, and I never did before. I don't know that I'll be able to convince myself that I don't like chocolate, but I don't think that's really the point (and it will never happen!!!). I have to convince myself that being a healthy, fit, strong person is much more preferable to the instant satisfaction of food. That when I wait for something, it's even better than having it straight away. That life can be enjoyed when it doesn't revolve around food.
It started 4 years ago, with that work Biggest Loser competition. It will never end, but it needs to improve. One day at a time, one decision at a time, one breath at a time.
So we went on a training walk that was supposed to be 10km, but turned out due to a comedy of errors to be closer to 15km. I was going to back it up by doing another big walk (10-15km) on the Sunday, but instead I just sat on the couch all day watching Dexter saying to myself 'at the end of the next episode I'll get up'. I didn't. I just sat there all day, until about 9:30pm when I felt so guilty I got out my Samsung tablet and walked on the spot while reading some weight loss and fitness blogs. I got to 8,000 steps by 11:30pm and gave up and went to bed. While I didn't achieve my 10,000 step goal, I had almost 30,000 steps for the weekend so I really don't feel bad at all. I know I wasn't going to accept averages, and I'm not making an excuse, but it doesn't mean I can't feel a tiny sense of achievement for getting off the couch and doing SOMETHING.
Food, on the other hand, has been a disaster. I just can't get my head around it. I was saying to my friend at work today, during lunch, that I have been contemplating lap-band surgery. I am 99% against surgical intervention, because I WANT to do this on my own, but there's that little part of me that thinks it's the easy way out and I just want to take it to be done with this shit. I know it's not easy, and it's very easy to put the weight back on after removal of the band. Gastric sleeve is something I wouldn't consider because I simply do not want to be taking vitamins and supplements for the rest of my life because my stomach won't hold enough basic food. Anyway, we were talking about it, and I said something off the cuff that made us both wet ourselves with laughter.
'I don't think it would work for me, because I don't eat because I'm hungry, I eat because my mouth is empty'
I realised in that split second that it was VERY true. A lap band wouldn't help me, gastric bypass wouldn't help me. I would eat until I vomited, and then I'd eat some more because I'd vomited and made some room. This scares me. I don't know how to get past it. I need much more than the latest fad or surgery. I just don't know what it is or where to find it.
I think it's all in my head, and I need to get my head right.
This walk I am doing is for research and support for Women's Cancers. There is a much higher fundraising requirement than the walk I did earlier in the year - I have to raise a minimum of $2k to qualify to walk. I'm doing it with a friend, so we have to raise a minimum of $4k together. That's a buttload of money. What have we done? We've ordered Cadbury chocolates to kickstart the fundraising. That's right, me, self confessed food addict, has boxes and boxes of chocolates in my possession. Waiting to be eaten. Normally, what I would do, is pick one of each flavour, say I'm having ONE a day, and then eat them all in one go. I'd do it again the next day, and the next, until they were all gone. This time, I've paid for EVERY SINGLE CHOCOLATE in my possession. $581 worth, to be precise.
The chocs got delivered to my friend who is home all day with her gorgeous newborn. She delivered them to me at our training walk, and because it was such a nice day, some of them got melted in the car. After I got home, I sorted them all out and separated out the melted ones, justifying to myself that they were the ones I was allowed to eat because I couldn't (in good conscience) sell them to someone else. $21 worth. This is the way my mind works. I'll help someone else not eat ruined melted chocolate by eating it myself! Go me! Raising money for a good cause!
I've taken the chocs to work and have them all under my desk. Each morning, I dutifully set them up to tempt anyone walking by my desk with my impressive array of variety of brightly coloured packaging. My sneaky box of melted ones sits at the bottom of the pile, just beckoning me to eat them. Yesterday, I put that box in my car. On the way home from work, I ate three. I felt sick. There were 17 left. I contemplated eating more. I don't know why, but I am VERY PROUD of what I did next. When I got home, I took that box out of my car. I opened the rubbish bin lid. I dumped them in the bin. I didn't take them out. They're gone.
I can't say I'll have that willpower for the 500 or so others that are by my desk, but I do know that I am determined to not do what I did (and have done) in the past. It's so tempting to have them next to me all day, but this is a test for me. A test I will fail more than once. I know this.
What do I need more than anything? To stop this cycle of binging. To stop thinking of food as a reward and start thinking of it as fuel for my body. Right now, this is the stupidest concept to me. One day, it will come naturally, but for now, I'll just have to do what I have always done and keep telling myself what I want to believe until it becomes reality. I know it works, because I now love myself, and I never did before. I don't know that I'll be able to convince myself that I don't like chocolate, but I don't think that's really the point (and it will never happen!!!). I have to convince myself that being a healthy, fit, strong person is much more preferable to the instant satisfaction of food. That when I wait for something, it's even better than having it straight away. That life can be enjoyed when it doesn't revolve around food.
It started 4 years ago, with that work Biggest Loser competition. It will never end, but it needs to improve. One day at a time, one decision at a time, one breath at a time.
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
Another week goes by in Steptember!
It's been a week between posts AGAIN. I'm afraid there's not much to report. I'm yet to miss a day of 10,000 steps, which makes 17/18 days that I've reached my target. I've also been over my calories by at least 500 most days. Sad face.
I have lost a little bit of weight in September, and that is purely a fluke, I believe. My diet is not great. It's getting better, but I'm still over by way too much every day. There are now only 15 weeks until the wedding, 11 weeks until the first dress fitting. I need to lose 10kg by then to hit my under 100kg goal, and the only thing that is going to get me there is determination, and more of a calorie deficit. I'm not willing to compromise on the food, so that means I have to do extra exercise. It's the only way. My step goal for October will be 12,000 steps a day.
Choctober is off. It's impossible. It's unrealistic. I will never do it. Why make a goal that I'm sure to fail? To make myself feel like shit for not succeeding? Fuck that. But I do have a deadline to have my waist a certain measurement by November 30 to fit into my dress. It's not unreachable, but it hasn't moved in the 3 months since I ordered my dress, so something has to be done. I'm thinking of borrowing from the 5:2 'diet' and having a couple of fast days (no more than 2 per week). Fasting is not 'fasting' in the true sense of the word - this 'diet' asks that you consume up to 500 calories on your fast days, and then spread your calories (so mine would be 1000 per day of fasting) over the other five days. I won't be doing that.
I'm going to trial ONE fast day per week, only eating a LnE dinner (roughly 400 calories). I won't spread out the extra calories over the other days. I don't want to have to resort to meal replacement shakes for the whole of November, but I may have to if I can't get myself under control.
I have lost a little bit of weight in September, and that is purely a fluke, I believe. My diet is not great. It's getting better, but I'm still over by way too much every day. There are now only 15 weeks until the wedding, 11 weeks until the first dress fitting. I need to lose 10kg by then to hit my under 100kg goal, and the only thing that is going to get me there is determination, and more of a calorie deficit. I'm not willing to compromise on the food, so that means I have to do extra exercise. It's the only way. My step goal for October will be 12,000 steps a day.
Choctober is off. It's impossible. It's unrealistic. I will never do it. Why make a goal that I'm sure to fail? To make myself feel like shit for not succeeding? Fuck that. But I do have a deadline to have my waist a certain measurement by November 30 to fit into my dress. It's not unreachable, but it hasn't moved in the 3 months since I ordered my dress, so something has to be done. I'm thinking of borrowing from the 5:2 'diet' and having a couple of fast days (no more than 2 per week). Fasting is not 'fasting' in the true sense of the word - this 'diet' asks that you consume up to 500 calories on your fast days, and then spread your calories (so mine would be 1000 per day of fasting) over the other five days. I won't be doing that.
I'm going to trial ONE fast day per week, only eating a LnE dinner (roughly 400 calories). I won't spread out the extra calories over the other days. I don't want to have to resort to meal replacement shakes for the whole of November, but I may have to if I can't get myself under control.
Wednesday, 11 September 2013
Steptember 11
It's September 11. 12 years to the day since America was attacked and the world changed. 12 years since I realised that shit happens, arseholes cause it, and I have no control over any of it.
And today, I realised I have control over me. No-one holds a gun to my head and tells me to eat 4 chocolate bars in a day. But I did that today. Me. Myself. I chose to eat them. I chose to walk into Coles, to buy them, to wait all day with them in my bag, and to eat them on the way home from work. I don't know how I'm going to change. I need some help, but I don't know where to go to get it.
I'm so awesome at getting my steps in. Yesterday, I took Dave for a procedure and had to wait an hour for him to come out. Instead of sitting there, I walked. Around and around until he was ready. I've hit my 10,000 every day (except this Saturday) this month. 10 times. And I've gone over my calories EVERY SINGLE DAY THIS MONTH. What the hell?
And today, I realised I have control over me. No-one holds a gun to my head and tells me to eat 4 chocolate bars in a day. But I did that today. Me. Myself. I chose to eat them. I chose to walk into Coles, to buy them, to wait all day with them in my bag, and to eat them on the way home from work. I don't know how I'm going to change. I need some help, but I don't know where to go to get it.
I'm so awesome at getting my steps in. Yesterday, I took Dave for a procedure and had to wait an hour for him to come out. Instead of sitting there, I walked. Around and around until he was ready. I've hit my 10,000 every day (except this Saturday) this month. 10 times. And I've gone over my calories EVERY SINGLE DAY THIS MONTH. What the hell?
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