Today is the day!

Well, sort of. The first week was released on the 12WBT website to give us enough time time shop, plan, organise and diarise for the week ahead. You know what I did? I started early.

You heard me. I started already.

I got on my smartphone at the gym, hit the start button on my HRM (heart rate monitor for those of you that don't know), and followed the 'Beginner Toning' program for next Thursday. It's Thursday today, so why not? I remember reading that we need to burn 500 calories each day, so after the session (about 45 minutes of strength-ish circuit-y training) I checked my HRM and was pretty shattered to see only 245 calories burned. I know Toning Days are going to be nowhere near as burn-y as Cardio Days, but you know what? Just Fucking Do It. That's my new motto (stolen from Mish, of course!). Got on the Cross Trainer, cranked it up to Level 5 and pounded away to Justin Bieber and whatever else was on the US Top 30 on the screen. 30 minutes later, I checked Harry (my HRM) and was stoked to see 490 calories GONE. Finished up the session with a stretch, and walked out of the gym with a nice 524 calories burned.

I also had a date with Albert (Park Lake) this morning. A brisk walk around the 5km lake gave me another 350ish calories this morning.

And you know what the worst thing is? I broke even today. I found some evil treats in the boot this morning when I was getting my shower gear at work - and managed to mindlessly eat the whole bag of evil during my work day. I logged it, and now I've burned it. So I'm even today. God, imagine where I'd be if I hadn't succumbed to the evil. It's gone now, and I won't be buying it again. Too delicious and not very nutritious. Not nutritious at all actually. And so much sweat went into working it off too. Such a shame.

I'm excited to get going and have planned a SSS (Super Saturday Session) with my Mum - we'll either do the 1000 stairs in Upper Gully or walk around Lilydale Lake. I have to head over that way to teach on Saturday afternoon, and with Dave working all day it's a good excuse to get out and get moving.

I'm also using the rest of tonight to plan out my menu for next week. I'm a very fussy eater when it comes to healthy food, so I'm going to plan ahead, make a list, and shop accordingly on Sunday. I'm also going to make up a few meals to freeze for lazy days, and some bigger heartier stuff for Dave's lunches. He's cool with me making some changes but doesn't want to be missing out on a big feed each day, and with his physical job he needs the extra calories (not much extra, but he'll not notice the difference if I make some tweaks to the usual lunch!) I've had a look at some of the recipes for the coming week and am stoked that there's more than a few things I want to try so they'll definitely be going on the list!

So I'm hoping my new friends Albert (Park Lake), Harry (HRM), and Freddie (the fitbit) will help me on my way...

Oh, and today we had to 'Measure Up' to get our benchmark measurements. Here are mine!

Weight 112kg
Chest 111cm
Waist 121cm
Widest Point (of hips) 130cm
Right Thigh 79cm (when measured 35cm from edge of kneecap)
Left Thigh 79cm (when measured 35cm from edge of kneecap)
Right Arm 37cm
Left Arm 36cm

Slightly embarrassing, but it'll get better!

One more sleep until...

...until Week 1 plans are released!!

I actually cannot wait to start. I made the decision a few weeks ago to join 12WBT for this round, and it has felt like a lifetime! My mindset has shifted in the last few weeks, but I'm not fully there yet. I've read that you can't out-train a bad diet, and right now, that's all I'm trying to do.

I think I'm trying to get all my bad habits out before it starts - I've found myself eating lollies, buying lunch out, going to Maccas, drinking 'real' coke. I don't even LIKE real coke, yet I'm drinking it. What is going on? Yep... it's the last hurrah. I'm pretty sure it's going to continue until Monday. I don't know why I'm doing it... actually I do, but it doesn't make any sense.

I've decided I'm going to do this 12WBT thing until I reach 80kg. That might be all year! But I WILL continue to do it. At least if I'm paying for something I'll feel a little bit guilty if I'm not giving it my all. The way it's done now there is no downtime between Rounds - you go straight from one to the next. I think this is best for me - if I find I'm falling off the wagon, there's a few weeks before the new round starts where the energy is revitalised with the Preseason Tasks for the new round.

And the main goal? I can't believe I'm saying this out loud... I can try to get pregnant once I reach 80kg. I can't start until then. And I REALLY want a baby. So that will be a very big motivation for me. ARGH!!!!

Fitness Test Time!!

So we have to do a fitness test for the beginning of the 12WBT - to set a benchmark, and then re-test every four weeks to see our improvement. These are my results:

1km time trial - 8:52
Pushups - 6 on toes, 20 on knees
Abdominal test - Level 1 (can touch wrists to knees, but not elbows crossed over chest without lifting feet off the floor)
Wall sit - 30secs
Sit and Reach - 12cm past toes

I don't exactly remember my results from last time I did 12WBT, but I know my time trial was in the 7 minute range. This time might SEEM worse, but I made a point of running the whole thing this time, not sprinting and then walking like I did last time. I stopped for maybe 10 seconds this time and am determined that in 4 weeks time I WILL NOT WALK AT ALL.

My pushups are definitely better on toes (I don't think I did any last time and my highest was 27 on my knees so I've definitely got stronger arms now)

My Ab strength is still crap. Probably because I don't do any core work, except crunches every so often. That will definitely be one of my focuses this round - getting that core sorted out!

Wall sit was a disaster tonight. Could have something to do with having my end of year Cali concert on Saturday night and then doing a 2 hour walk tonight (Monday), but I'm not going to let excuses get in the way any more. Wall sit needs work!

Sit and Reach last time was over 15cm and I know my hammys are very tight from Cali and walking, so it will only get better from here (when I remember to stretch them out after EVERY session which I am quite bad at)

I'm really interested to see my results this time as I'll be following the exercise part to the letter, so I'm really hoping to improve every single one of those benchmarks in the 12 weeks.

In other news, this weekend was massive. I had my end of year Cali concert on Saturday night, stayed at Mum and Dad's Saturday, had my cousin's 30th lunch on Sunday and then a close Cali friend got married Sunday afternoon with the Reception in the evening. Food was all over the shop - I ate (and enjoyed!) everything on offer as kind of a last hurrah. I know I'm not meant to, but I did it anyway. Then because I was tired and didn't have any planning/shopping/cooking time over the weekend, I had a bit of a bender today as well with buying lunch and breakfast out. Cooked a healthy dinner but didn't eat any as I'd eaten a lovely afternoon tea of cheese and crackers that put me WAY over my cals and I wasn't actually hungry when I thought about it (strange... usually I would just eat it because it's dinner time!) And the big win for today? No snacks after dinner. I enjoy a little something sweet after every meal, and that is a habit I hope to break with a little help from Mish and her friends. Plus I went for a walk that turned into a 10km walk and didn't really want to undo all the hard work by scoffing mindlessly on something sweet.

And now it's late and I'm going to lay out my clothes for my Lake Walk in the morning and go to bed. Aiming for 8 hours, so I've gotta be in bed by 10 every night. It's 10:24. Crap.

Demons. Bloody Demons.

I would love to tell you that today was a smashing success. It kind of was.... it kind of wasn't.

Positives from the day:

-Ate everything as planned at work. No random snacks

-Drank 6x600ml bottles of water*

-Kept a positive attitude about many shiite things that happened in my work day

-Did NOT feel like exercising this morning, but went out and did it anyway. It was a walk, not a jagger**, but I still got out there for an hour.

*Mish recommends 30ml per kilo of body weight, which is 3.36 litres for this girl. No time to snack when I'm always attached to my water bottle!

**cross between a jog and a stagger, which is where my running is right now.

Negatives from the day:

-Ended up at the lolly shop (discount lollies + kelly = bad idea)

-Didn't eat planned dinner, impulse bought Latina Tortellini and Garlic Ciabatta

-Went to the toilet about a million times from all the water.

Positives from the negatives:

-Only ate one of the things I bought at the lolly shop (Milk Duds from the USA section). Will see if I can throw away (or give away) the rest tomorrow, but Greedy Kelly is not in agreement with this plan.

-Ate half of what I would usually eat Latina-wise. Asked Dave to dish up half of what he would eat in my bowl and put the rest in the fridge straight away. No going back for seconds if it's already cold!

-Decided that Garlic Ciabatta, while tasty, leaves an awful taste in my mouth (3hrs now and can still taste the garlicky buttery ew in my mouth) so won't buy it again. 

Fingers crossed that the toilet stops will sort themselves out in a few weeks - that my body realises what I'm doing and takes some crap out with the water. I will continue to drink this much because I feel GREAT.

In other news, I got out my handy-dandy notebook and started diarising the next 12 weeks. I'm feeling good about 12WBT... just need to get a handle on Greedy Kelly and her lolly/choc habit. Must think of a 'reward' for indulging - probably hours of exercise.

Fighting some of the demons.

My demons are my food habits. I'd like to say I'm a compulsive eater, but I'm more like an overeater. I just googled 'Overeaters Anonymous' and this is what came up:

OA members experience many different patterns of food behaviors. These “symptoms” are as varied as our membership. Among them are:

• obsession with body weight, size and shape
• eating binges or grazing
• preoccupation with reducing diets
• starving
• laxative or diuretic abuse
• excessive exercise
• inducing vomiting after eating
• chewing and spitting out food
• use of diet pills, shots and other medical interventions to control weight
• inability to stop eating certain foods after taking the first bite
• fantasies about food
• vulnerability to quick-weight-loss schemes
• constant preoccupation with food
• using food as a reward or comfort

I probably do more than half of these on a regular basis, which is very worrying. They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem, so here goes. I have a problem with food. Food is my best friend and my worst enemy. It has been there through thick and thin, good days and bad days. But no more. Food is fuel. Food is fuelling my body to do the things it needs to survive and to thrive. While I think that food comforts me, it's the memory of time with my mum, dad and family (that always revolved around food) that is the true comfort. I have a massive sweet tooth, and years of eating ridiculous amounts of sweet food (especially the old faithful... Dairy Milk) has really built up my addiction to sugar. I can sit and eat a family block and not think twice. All of a sudden it's gone.

A couple of statements have been highlighted to me recently. 'The first bite tastes exactly the same as the last. Why do you need the ones in between?' AND 'Do you remember every mouthful?'. No, I don't remember every mouthful. I zone out when I'm eating. I don't savour the food, I just eat it mindlessly. I've been reading some articles on 'mindfulness' in every day life, and trying to apply some of the principles to both eating and living. Mainly just the parts about stopping and thinking about exactly what is happening in my body at the time. While walking, thinking about how every movement feels. While eating, thinking about how the food tastes, feels, and why I'm eating it. 

The other thing I need to be mindful of is my cravings. It is perfectly normal to WANT something, but I don't have to give in to those cravings EVERY TIME. And I don't have to eat a sh*tload of whatever it is that I feel like. It's okay to say no to something. It's okay to say yes to something. It's okay to feel hungry, and it's okay to overeat on the rare occasion. 

The hardest thing about food is that we can't live without it. You don't need alcohol to survive. You don't need cigarettes to survive. You DO need food to survive. I need to change my thinking about food, to using it as a source of physical nourishment and fuel, rather than a comfort and a companion.

A personal challenge.

I've set myself some pretty ambitious goals, distance wise, for the rest of the year. On Runkeeper, you can set goals, so I have!

I've set a goal of 250km walking and 1000km riding. I'm pretty sure the riding one is too ambitious, seeing as I don't ride very often, but I would love to smash the walking one and possibly even double it!

I'm trying to walk twice a day. In the morning it's around Albert Pake Lake after I drop my bf off at work, for between 40mins and an hour. Then I head off to work for a shower etc. After work, I head out for a stroll for another hour or so. If I do this for the next two weeks, I'm hoping to begin the habit of exercising regularly, so that when the 12WBT kicks in properly I can either do the outside program at the lake in the morning, or the gym program at night, and still keep one of the walks. I don't particularly WANT to be exercising for two hours a day, but it's better than spending the extra two hours on the couch!!

I keep reminding myself that 'normal' people exercise every day. I've been abnormal all my life because I don't - even though it's my normal. I need to change my normal. I will always have a gym membership. I will always have to go for walks most days. This can't stop once I reach my goal weight, because then it will be a waste - I'll gain everything back and be right back where I started.

The power of positive thinking!

Friday night, I got a text message from one of the cali girls, Ashlee - the one I had done the 35km Eastlink ride with last year.

'Hey buddy, wanna ride the Lilydale-Warburton trail tomorrow?'

My first thought? No f*cking way. This weekend is the first weekend in a while that both me and Dave had no plans. Our only plan was to sleep in, enjoy each other's company. The Lily-Warby trail is 40km one way, mostly hills (both down and up!), gravel.

My next thought? Maybe I should. Last weekend Dave worked and I sat on my fat butt all weekend. I did get stuff done (unpicking for calisthenics), but I sat on the couch for 48 hours. I've signed up for 12WBT again, and the season starts Nov 19. I should probably get myself organised and start making exercise a priority. Also, I ate like crap on Friday (almost 2000 calories over my allowance!) so the ride should negate SOME of that.

I messaged back. I was in.

I looked up some of the bike websites, and found out the info. In my head, we were going from Lilydale to Wandin (about 20km return). There was no way we'd make it all the way to Warby and back.

The time came (2pm) and we were at Maccas getting our bikes ready. Something in my mind just clicked. We were going to do the whole thing.

I've been receiving emails from a motivational speaker guy - every morning I read about how I should be changing my mindset, my thought patterns. Changing my perspective on things to a more positive outlook. I started the ride with positive thoughts.

These quickly became harder and harder to keep positive, though I refused to let myself think that I wasn't going to make it. All of the 'flat' parts felt uphill. The distance didn't pass anywhere near as quickly as we'd planned. Because we started out at 2pm, we had about 5 hours of sunlight to travel the 75ish km. After an hour, we'd only gone just over 10. This wasn't going to happen. Ash and I kept pedalling. We got to the 20km point, Wandin, and Ash mentioned that we could turn around at any time. I'd been thinking that maybe we should turn around, but in that split second when the words left her mouth, I thought 'No. We're doing this!' Ash is pretty motivational towards me - she's got an amazing body, amazing dedication to cali, and a great personality. She knows when I'm struggling and gives a little pep talk just at the moment that I'm trying to sum up the courage to tell her I'm giving up. I told her we were going to push a bit harder, and get to Warburton. I had decided in my mind that we would ride until 4:30, then turn around. It was about 3:30, with about 10km to go. We got there at about 4:20. Woohoo!!

We found a pub, got a coke, and went to the loo. Sitting there, on the deck, Ash and I looked at each other and both said 'how the f*ck are we going to get home?'. I suggested we call a cab, one would stay with the bikes, the other would get the cab back to the car and drive up to get the other. Ash suggested paying one of the guys in the pub with a ute to drive us back to Lilydale. Instead, we got our wobbly legs back on the bikes and started riding home. The sun was going down, and we would be running out of light shortly.

Ash has a little computer on her bike that tells current speed, and we aimed for 20km/h on the way home. We averaged about 15 on the way up, so wanted to push harder. Ashlee had been given some advice regarding gears and hills, and we really tried to put this into practice, especially on the way home. We were really pushing hard, keeping in low gear and keeping the pedal rate (it's called cadence, we have since found out) high. We were travelling well, until we hit the massive hill that had seemed so lovely on the way there.

It was a killer. Ash is quite a bit fitter than me, so I let her go ahead at her own speed (she stopped every so often to let me catch up!) and concentrated on pedalling, breathing, and keeping my thoughts positive. I didn't look ahead, I looked down just past my handlebars. I changed down gears so that I could keep my breathing in line with my pedalling, and took a really deep breath every few breaths to avoid hyperventilating. That hill almost beat me. We got to Mt Evelyn (about 10kms to go) and I was struggling. I felt like I was about to vomit, and at the pedestrian crossing where we had to stop to wait for the lights to change, my legs starting shaking uncontrollably and I felt like I was going to pass out.

We'd bought lots of water with us - I had mine in a backpack with a tube so could suck away whenever I wanted. We also had some jelly snakes and muesli bars which we'd eaten half of while we stopped at the pub. At Mt Evelyn, we'd been riding for about 4.5 hours. My body was giving out on me because I had not fuelled it properly.

We crossed the road, and stopped on the other side. I ate some more snakes, had a big drink, and a rest for a few minutes. The sugar kicked in and I felt right to keep going. The last 10km flew. It had looked flat on the way there, but it seemed that it was actually slightly uphill, because we hardly put in any effort to get home from there. Gears were changed all the way up, and we were flying with very little effort. It was getting dark (that big hill had taken a LOT of time) and neither of us have lights so we really needed to get back to the cars.

We got back at 7:45pm, and had logged 5:12 riding. We had stopped at the pub for about half an hour, although it felt like about 10 minutes.

Next time, we'll leave a little earlier so that the pub time can be extended - not to drink, but to rest and refuel. We also decided that next time we'll stop at least twice in the way up and twice on the way back for lollies and drinks, to avoid the body-shutdown situation. I really didn't feel well, and don't want to feel like that again!!

I truly believe that I would have given up if I had let my mind wander to the places it usually does when I'm challenging myself. Usually, my mind gives up long before my body, and my thoughts turn negative very quickly. 'I can't do this'. 'It's too hard'. 'Next time. Give up now and come back another time'. 'I can't'.

The thoughts this time were 'I can'. 'I will'. 'This is hard, but I'm not dying'. 'Keep pedalling'. 'Keep your breathing calm'. And the big one, that I'm not quite sure I believe... 'Ash will never make you do this again if you go all the way this time'......