I'm still here!!

You might have thought that I was gone.... but you were wrong! I'm still here, and I'm still kicking. My weight loss journey has taken a back seat while I enjoy my life and enjoy being in love and feeling on top of the world. But I haven't given up, no sirree, I have not.

I've maintained my weight. I've kept up exercising regularly (at least 4x a week) and while I'm not burning mega calories or lifting a ton, I'm doing it, and I'm proud of where I am. I am nowhere near happy enough with this body of mine to stop, but I'm determined not to give up. I read once that you need to weigh up what you want more - the 'bad food', or the body. Right now, the bad food is winning more often than it should, but I'm not going to walk around starving and grumpy just so I can be thinner quicker. It's just not going to happen.

There's a song in Sweet Charity called "I'm a Brass Band" and it describes me perfectly right now. "All kinds of music is pouring out of me 'cause somebody loves me at last". And that's how I feel. So in love it's making me sick. I'm in the kind of relationship that I hated watching - kisses, cuddles, waking up wrapped in somebody, calling each other 'babe' and making plans for the future. Sometimes I have a memory of a conversation or a moment and think 'God, how lame!'. It's amazing. If this is what my parents have (and have had for 30 years), and my grandparents had for 50 years.... I want it forever too. It scares me sometimes, just how much he means to me.

Don't get me wrong, it's not all sunshine and daisies - he gives me the shits sometimes, being a guy and all. Not worrying about cooking, or washing, or cleaning. Forgetting stuff I've told him. All the usual crap that comes with living together and being mundane and boring. But you know what? It's exactly what I want. I do things for him because he appreciates me (and bloody does it himself when I tell him to!). 

Now the future. Marriage and babies. That kind of stuff cannot happen in this body. I've got a year to get it organised - if not weighing less, then the weight being made of muscle and strength, rather than flab and wobble. I can do it. I just need to say no to that craving in my head - the little voice that tells me the 'something sweet' would be nice after dinner. Say no more than I say yes. 

And then I can say yes...

Torn between two lovers...

I'm torn between my love of chocolate and my desire for a healthier me. Right now, chocolate is winning, and my healthier me is just playing catch-up. I know what I need to do, but I just don't want to do it.

There, I admitted it. I don't want to do it right now. I know I'll be motivated again, one day. But right now, I simply can't do it. I want summer to be here. More specifically, I want daylight savings to be here. Waking up every morning in the dark, spending the day inside at work, getting home in the dark. It's not living. I really enjoy my walks at night. Once I get going, I could honestly walk for hours. And I need to. But I hate the dark. I want to get on my bike and ride, ride, ride. I can't do that in the dark.

The dark and cold is an excuse. I know this. Right now, though, I can't get past that excuse.

I think I need to revisit the 12WBT preseason tasks from last time. I'm sure I wrote a blog about it... Now I need to find that, go back, and do them again. In fact, I'm going to go do that now. Tootles!

A really long walk.

Today, I went for a really long walk. Just over an hour, just over 6km.

And it was all for nothing, because this afternoon, I ate 2 Mars Bars and 2 Twix Bars. I didn't walk enough to even work them off. What a waste. I don't know why I do it to myself.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm planning my food, I'll be walking again tomorrow night. I'm trying to reduce my sodium intake as well as my carbs in the evenings.

Shit, this is hard....

Sometimes life gets in the way.

It does. Life gets in the way. It's been another month since I posted, and life has been happening. Nothing major, just normal, everyday life. Working hard, paying bills, saving money, cooking, cleaning, washing. Life. Fun is happening too - dinner, movies, playing, talking, laughing. LIVING.

I'm struggling to fit in exercise - actually, I'm not struggling to fit it in, I'm struggling to make it a priority. I hate when I get obsessive with exercise, so I'm trying not to, but I seem to be going the other way and forgetting it all together. This would be fine if I just stopped being silly with the snacking and the chocolate cravings. Some days I go really well, and other days nothing goes right.

I'm not getting the 10,000 steps a day. I'm not losing weight. But I'm happy. I wonder if I'm finished. I'm not ready to be finished, but I lack the motivation to do what I need to do to get going again. I know I'll get there, but I think I'm going to have a rest from being so 'into it'. I'm happy, and I want to enjoy this time.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn..

.. is just to love and be loved in return.

Moulin Rouge. One of my all-time favourite films.

Last night I told Dave I loved him, on our 10 month anniversary, for the very first time. I put my big-girl pants on, and said it, without fear of him not saying it back. I didn't expect him to, in fact I didn't even expect him to answer. But then he did. He told me he loved me too - straight away, no hesitation.

I went to sleep with a smile on my face and woke up with the same grin. I've been beaming all day.

In other news, it's been quite a while since I posted. Not much has happened in the last few weeks... but at the same time a lot has happened!

Weight loss wise, there has been no movement on the scale - up or down. I suppose that's a good thing, but it is so frustrating. I've spent at least 3 days a week at the gym, I've upped my strength training to include heavier weights and bodyweight exercises. My food has let me down. I've got into the habit of eating in the car - and when I have to commute back to the East I spend at least 2 hours in the car that night (twice a week at the moment) and I want to eat the whole time. And I have been. This needs to stop.

Tonight, I got home at around 8:30, and decided I'd just walk around the court that we live in. I set a target of 10 times, and when I checked my watch it had been 15 minutes and I'd only done 5 laps. I decided to go a smidge faster and try to get 2 minutes per lap - which I did, and then I just walked and walked until an hour had passed. I think I did 30 laps, but I'm not sure cos I stopped counting after the first ten (ran out of fingers and then got lost in the music). I was up to 6,000 steps on my fitbit when I started, and ended on 12,500.

My fitbit is inspiring me to keep moving. A couple of mundane tasks got taken off me at work, and sadly these were the tasks that got me up and moving away from my desk. Unless I really make the effort, I could sit there for 8 hours and not move. Dangerous. The site's default is 10,000 steps a day as a target, and I'm really trying to get my 7-day average above the 10,000. On the weekends, I hardly move at all. It's really eye-opening! I need to get more incidental exercise into my day, and I've decided I'm going to make a point of taking my 15 minute breaks in the morning and the afternoon. I don't usually take them, but I'm entitled to them, so I'm going to make a point of taking that time for ME to go for a walk, or go up and down stairs. if nothing else, it'll be some extra steps that I don't have to do when I get home from work.

Target for the week: 70,000 steps. My average at the moment is 50-60,000. The week starts on Sunday, so I'm playing catch-up from the get-go as I do nothing most Sundays. This means I'm committing to at least 10,000 steps each workday. It also means that if I don't get to the gym in the mornings, or walk around the carpark if Dave and I go together and I get to work early, then I need to do 'courtlaps' when I get home to make the steps up. NO EXCUSES.

I'm enjoying walking, and it needs to become part of my normal daily routine. At least 1 hour each day. And then I need to work on weekends... less couch time, more walk time.

A whole new world!!

I'm not kidding... EVERYTHING has changed since my last post. And I mean EVERYTHING.

I had a birthday. I'm now in my last year of my 20s. It's sad,but it's also so exciting. I have big goals for the next 12 months, and damn it, I'm going to achieve them!!

I moved in with the bf. It's been a week, and I'm loving it. I've hardly been home, the house is a mess, the washing is piling up, nothing has a place... But I have a place. I'm home. I'm loved. Life is beautiful.

I got a new job, finally. Four months ago I proposed some changes to my role which meant leaving the managerial side of life and moving into more admin, process improvement, problem solving. Well, everything fell into place and the position was approved. I started on Monday, and so far haven't really done anything different in my day-to-day stuff, but clarification next week on the scary stuff will get me started on the finer details of getting things done. I'm really excited (and really scared) to be changing things slowly in our department to get things working smoothly.

And the weight loss stuff? That's not going so well right now. I AM proud, however, that during this last crazy week of moving I have managed to go to the gym twice, and have done some sort of core strength training each day. I'm making myself move more at work (thanks Fitbit!) by going to the toilets across the building and upstairs a couple of times a day. Because those toilets are rarely used, I use the opportunity to do some wall push-ups, squats or star jumps each time I go to the loo as well. Incidental exercise is WORTH IT.

I'm struggling with chocolate at the moment, but that will soon be over with the end of our Freddo fundraiser for calisthenics. I've had a giant box of Freddos staring at me all day from the spare desk next to me. Now that they're all gone, I think I'll be able to manage to eat much less chocolate. I don't eat it at home, and if there's none at work I won't be able to eat it there either.

In the last few weeks (since I've had my Fitbit) I'm still on a downward trend with my weight loss - although it seems that I lose a big chunk one week, then gain a bit back the next week, then lose a big chunk, then gain a little back. I think it's a delicate balancing act that I'll start to see a lot more now that I'm past halfway in my 'journey' to 90kg. Only 15kg to go until I hit 90kg, and then I think I'll continue to lose until I get to 80kg and see how I feel.

I'm putting it out there... I want to be 80kg for my 30th birthday. I plan on having a party, and I want to wear a smoking dress. I also want to be able to think about food as notmal people do, and use exercise as a normal part of my day, rather than just to work off the chocolate that I eat. One thing the 12WBT taught me is to set goals, work out how you will achieve them, and then Just Frigging Do It.

Here are my goals for the next 12 months:

Reach 80kg
Have a normal relationship with food
Exercise on a regular basis

How will I achieve these goals?

By going to the gym - making time for it every day, but not beating myself up if I need a rest day and take the day off. Tomorrow is a new day.
By including vegies in most meals, and eating to sustain life, rather than to indulge every night. 'Treats' are allowed, they just can't be every day. I will deny myself NOTHING, but I will be sensible in my splurging.
By buying new clothes regularly. When I wear my old clothes all the time, I don't FEEL amazing. I want to buy new stuff and feel amazing - even if it's a new top or a new pair of pants once a month.

What's going to get in my way?
Cravings, gluttony, a sense of 'missing out'. Indulging this behaviour is what got me to where I was - fat, and unhappy. Indulging is okay, but I don't need to eat until it's gone. I can have just a bit and be okay. I don't feel any different whether I've eaten a whole block of chocolate, or just a couple of rows. SO why do I eat the whole block? Because I always have, and that's not a very good reason!

Other things that are going to get in my way are generally things that are beyond my control - sickness, inury, other people cooking, LIFE. I need to do what I can, when I can, so that these unplanned events don't ruin my hard work.

2 years ago, I was fat and unhappy. Today, I'm smaller, and happier. I can't wait to see what my life will be like in 12 months time when I'm smaller again and have worked on my emotional and self-esteem issues! I can't wait to get my tattoo so that I can be reminded every single day that I'm worth it... only 15kg to go.

Last Weigh In of the 12WBT

This morning was the last weigh-in for the 12WBT. I must admit, I haven't done as well as I thought I would - but at least I know why.

I've lost 7.7kg, and 11.5cm off my measurements. The measurements aren't as good as they were 4 weeks ago (I've expanded again!!), but my weight has started going down again, which is what I'm more concerned about. I'm proud that I've come out of the 12 weeks with a good loss. About halfway through the program, I really lost focus, so I'm glad I was able to remotivate myself and get back on track.

It's a week until my 29th birthday.. so I have 372 days to get to where I want to be. It's going to be tough. I know I'm going to slip, but I also know I'm going to get back up EVERY time. Eventually. Haha.

I went to my doctor on the weekend, to get a refill prescription for my HBC pill. We don't want babies for at least 2 years... so we need to be prepared! Anyhoo, I was curious as to what I weighed when I first went on the pill 4 years ago. I remembered that he had weighed me , and was concerned about my weight. I asked what that weight was, and he made me get back on the scales before he'd let me know the old number. I was 108.2 on his scales (I like mine better... 105.3) fully clothed. I sat back down, and he informed me that the previous weight of 4 years ago was 114. He congratulated me on losing 6 kilos..... I actually cannot believe that in the course of 4 years I put on 20 kilos, and then lost 25 kilos. I have come so far, yet it seems that I haven't hardly moved. Only 6 kilos difference in 4 years? It doesn't seem fair.

I'm so proud of myself for the effort of the last two years. I've lost 29.4kg. The doc says I still have 29.3kg to go to reach the BMI recommended 76kg for my height. That means no matter how I spin it, I'm halfway. I never thought I'd get here, but I'm so happy to be here. I still think that the BMI calculation is much too small for me. Dave agrees - he likes meaty girls, and wants me to be healthy and happy, rather than starving and grumpy. I don't want to be stressing over the last 10 kilos... so I'm definitely aiming for between 85-90kgs and then see how my body adjusts. That's only another 20 kilos, and that seems manageable in the next 12 months.

I joined a challenge (and have ended up being one of the admins which is highly motivating) that has weekly targets to reach. The targets change each week, and consist of rep targets, calorie burned targets, and minutes exercising targets. There are also Extra Movement challenges which encourage extra movement in daily life. I'm trying to do this anyway with my new toy, my Fitbit, as I'm trying to meet my daily targets set by Fitbit for steps, flights of stairs, activity, cals burned, and distance travelled. I don't get there every day, but I have made changes to where I go to the toilet at work (instead of the closest toilets, I go to the ones on the other side of the building, upstairs), go the long way whenever I have to travel through the building, and try to park further away whenever I go anywhere. It's surprising how little I actually move in a day at work, unless I really make the effort to get away from my desk and go for walks. Five minutes isn't long to be away (no-one really notices!) but I can cover a fair distance in that time, and sometimes get a couple of flights of stairs in at the same time. It's these little things that I think will make the difference in me keeping the weight off, and letting it slowly creep back on. Just being aware is powerful...