Two steps forward, one step back

This week, I have fallen into the trap of justifying a little chocolate by saying that I worked hard at the gym. I HAVE worked hard at the gym, but I haven't worked hard enough to waste it on bloody chocolate. I need to think of this like I think when I'm running. That little voice in my head is saying '5 minutes is too long, you cant do it' and then the other voice says 'You can do it, you know you can do it, just keep going'. 

I sound schizophrenic, but I assure you that this inner dialogue happens to everyone. My chocolate craving voice is very strong right now. I don't know why, but I need to learn how to shut that girl up. She doesn't go away when she gets the chocolate, she just wants more. I need to stop giving in to that voice, exercise that willpower muscle, and just NOT BUY IT.

I need to think about how amazing I feel after I hit that 'stop' button on the treadmill - when my legs are pinging and my lungs are bursting and the sweat is pouring down my back, chest and arms. I feel amazing, like I can do anything. And then I need to think about how I feel after overindulging in chocolate. There's no guilt, but there is a bit of shame, a feeling that exercise was wasted, disbelief that the chocolate is gone so quickly. But there's also the physical feelings. My heart races, all the sugar makes me feel exhausted, I sometimes have a headache, my mood goes down. Thinking about it now, and trying to describe how I feel, it's quite strange.

I've come to the realisation that I'm not an emotional eater, I eat because I'm bored. I want chocolate late at night when I probably should be sleeping but am trying to squeeze in two or three episodes of whatever I've been downloading at the time. I need to stop this. I need to reactivate my alarm that reminds me to take my pill, and use it as a sleep alarm as well. I know we usually use alarms to wake up, but if my phone physically tells me to 'kill the babies and go the f*ck to sleep' (god, I love iPhones) then half the time I might actually do it. 10pm is a decent time to go to sleep when I wake up at 630 each day. I need to get into the habit of sleeping more, so that I'm not tired late in the week.

This few minutes of soul-searching has been good. I feel re-energised, and am determined to get out the diary I bought during the week and plan my week for next week - scheduling in workouts (with descriptions of what will be done and when) and also working out food. I'm pretty organised with my food - I've got lots of stuff in the freezer ready to go for lunches for work, and a set breakky at work that I'm completely happy to have. Dinners are the only meal I don't have prepared already, so I need to sort out those this week - have a few recipes ready, and the shopping for them done tomorrow so that there really are NO EXCUSES. And no reasons to stop by the chocolate aisle to sneak in a couple of somethings.....