It's Christmas morning!! Was Santa good to you? He bought us new socks, which, while not as thrilling as a new TV or bike, is exactly what we need. We don't have to be anywhere today, having chosen not to see either of our families rather than choosing one over the other like we have for the last few years. We're off to lunch in a bit, booked a table at the local bistro for their Christmas lunch. I wanted to do SOMETHING today to make it a bit special, and this sounded like a nice option.
We had dinner with Dave's parents and sister the other night - his sister has been in Africa on mission for the last two years so we hadn't seen her at all. She's come home to raise some money to fund her stay for the next three years, as well as to attend our wedding. My brother has also come home after 2.5 years away in the UK and Canada, and we had dinner with him the night before that. It's lovely to catch up with family who we haven't seen for ages and have it be normal. I made sure that Craig (my brother) met Dave before he left, even though we'd only been together for two weeks I just knew they had to meet. It sounds silly, but I wanted the approval of my 3 brothers as well as my parents for the man I was going to spend my life with. They've all been so protective of me and my heart for my entire life, and it means a lot to me that they 'approve' of Dave.
It's less than a week to the big day, and I'm a combination of excited, stressed, nervous, happy... I'm sure these are all feelings that every bride goes through. It's not the getting married that's stressful, it's all the little details that no-one thinks about or cares about and don't really matter, but do really matter.... ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!
And now it's 3 hours later and the lunch has been had. It was a delicious, 4 course lunch with everything a girl could ask for. I'm sure I've put on two kilos just from that lunch, and the 5 minute walk each way to the pub will have done nothing to counteract any of it. It's been two weeks since I last blogged, and the scale has gone in the wrong direction since then. I've been having a wonderful time eating whatever I want, whenever I want, pretending that I can do that every day. I've been exercising hard each day, flogging myself just to get rid of the excess calories that I mindlessly consume. If only I didn't mindlessly eat, the hard hours in the gym would be getting rid of the actual fat in my body, instead of the sugar rushing around my veins.
When will I wake up? When will it click?
Wednesday 25 December 2013
Thursday 5 December 2013
What a f*cken week!
I had my dress alteration appointment on Saturday, and ended up leaving in tears. Not the best start to the day... My Mum was so concerned that I was upset that it doesn't fit that she made such a big deal about it and got all the people in the place involved and I ended up bawling my eyes out and screaming that I didn't care who fucked it up, I just wanted it fixed. Bridezilla?
The truth is, I wasn't actually upset that it didn't fit. There was a plan to fix it, and to be honest I'm used to being let down because I'm too fat for something to fit - it's the story of my life. I ended up so upset because Mum just wouldn't let it go. I think she was upset that her little girl wasn't having the dream experience that a wedding dress should be and she was fighting and making such a big deal over it because it shouldn't be that way. It's true, it shouldn't, but in the end, there's nothing that can be done except to try to fix it and move on.
And move on, I did! The work Xmas party came next, later that night, and I was having a blast. A few champagnes, lots of chats with people I knew, should know, or will never speak to again unless we're drunk and it's late November 2014... then my friend comes storming in from outside, drags me out, and starts bawling her eyes out that I've betrayed her trust and am a horrible person.
She told me something a few months ago, and apparently hasn't told anyone else from work, but now people know and say I've told them. I don't remember telling anyone, but it apparently happened on our 'team bonding' night. I was drunk then, but never have blank spots when I drink, so usually remember this stuff. We spent two hours freezing our butts off in the gutter (while I held her hair and rubbed her back while she vomited, and listened to her bitch about me through her tears to her fwb over the phone) before Dave arrived to take us home, she stayed at our place, we looked after her because she was in a BAD way... Anyway, she doesn't believe me that I didn't blab, and now, five days later after being treated like a leper and being whispered about behind my back, I'm doubting myself. I've spoken to one other person about all of this, and without disclosing the information, this person confirmed that they knew about it and was sure they'd heard it from her. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but I feel like absolute ass for something I'm 99% sure I didn't do. And quite frankly, I don't know if I want to resolve this with her. We were meant to be best friends, and we were also meant to be adults. This is all childish bullshit and I've had enough.
After Monday's tenseness, I resolved to stop letting other people dictate how I feel. My Mum, first of all (though she always has the best intentions) made me feel like shit for nothing. My supposed best friend made me feel like shit, ruined my night, and is now treating me like an insect that is bothering her on a warm day. This is MY life, and I will control how I feel.
I'm making sure I pack gym clothes so that I can exercise in the two spare hours I have on the days Dave and I travel to work together. I've done it 3 out of 4 days this week - and the day I didn't was a day where I worked from 7-3, travelled until 5, taught cali til 830, travelled for another hour, and crawled into bed. I've also started a 30 day challenge today involving squats, situps, crunches, pushups, and planks. I progressively do more each day.
I'm making sure I eat what is given to me on LnE, and have a small amount of chocolate if I want to, and ONLY if I've been to the gym that day and have the calories to spare. I'm not going to get hung up on numbers, but I am determined to make a real go of this for the next few weeks until we head off on our honeymoon - Lord knows I'll not be holding back on the food while overseas :) but I also plan to be very active while away.
It's time to start afresh.
The only good news that I have, is that I finally put new batteries in my scale which bought back the body fat % function. When I first got the scale a couple of years ago, my body fat was around 50%, and it didn't move much all throughout my 25kg weight loss. I haven't had a tool to measure it for about 15 months - but now it's down to 44%. So that's a major positive, and a boost to my self esteem to know that while the total body weight hasn't gone down much over the last 12 months, the fat % HAS. My body is changing, and it's all my hard work. Considering I've been slack of late, I can only imagine what might happen if I actually try. It was enough to motivate me to hit the weights room at the gym this afternoon. I've slacked off the weights because they don't give such striking immediate results ie sweat and calories burned, but I know it'll be better in the long run.
That's my life right now. Tell me a story to make me feel like I'm not the only one who's life isn't perfect?
The truth is, I wasn't actually upset that it didn't fit. There was a plan to fix it, and to be honest I'm used to being let down because I'm too fat for something to fit - it's the story of my life. I ended up so upset because Mum just wouldn't let it go. I think she was upset that her little girl wasn't having the dream experience that a wedding dress should be and she was fighting and making such a big deal over it because it shouldn't be that way. It's true, it shouldn't, but in the end, there's nothing that can be done except to try to fix it and move on.
And move on, I did! The work Xmas party came next, later that night, and I was having a blast. A few champagnes, lots of chats with people I knew, should know, or will never speak to again unless we're drunk and it's late November 2014... then my friend comes storming in from outside, drags me out, and starts bawling her eyes out that I've betrayed her trust and am a horrible person.
She told me something a few months ago, and apparently hasn't told anyone else from work, but now people know and say I've told them. I don't remember telling anyone, but it apparently happened on our 'team bonding' night. I was drunk then, but never have blank spots when I drink, so usually remember this stuff. We spent two hours freezing our butts off in the gutter (while I held her hair and rubbed her back while she vomited, and listened to her bitch about me through her tears to her fwb over the phone) before Dave arrived to take us home, she stayed at our place, we looked after her because she was in a BAD way... Anyway, she doesn't believe me that I didn't blab, and now, five days later after being treated like a leper and being whispered about behind my back, I'm doubting myself. I've spoken to one other person about all of this, and without disclosing the information, this person confirmed that they knew about it and was sure they'd heard it from her. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but I feel like absolute ass for something I'm 99% sure I didn't do. And quite frankly, I don't know if I want to resolve this with her. We were meant to be best friends, and we were also meant to be adults. This is all childish bullshit and I've had enough.
After Monday's tenseness, I resolved to stop letting other people dictate how I feel. My Mum, first of all (though she always has the best intentions) made me feel like shit for nothing. My supposed best friend made me feel like shit, ruined my night, and is now treating me like an insect that is bothering her on a warm day. This is MY life, and I will control how I feel.
I'm making sure I pack gym clothes so that I can exercise in the two spare hours I have on the days Dave and I travel to work together. I've done it 3 out of 4 days this week - and the day I didn't was a day where I worked from 7-3, travelled until 5, taught cali til 830, travelled for another hour, and crawled into bed. I've also started a 30 day challenge today involving squats, situps, crunches, pushups, and planks. I progressively do more each day.
I'm making sure I eat what is given to me on LnE, and have a small amount of chocolate if I want to, and ONLY if I've been to the gym that day and have the calories to spare. I'm not going to get hung up on numbers, but I am determined to make a real go of this for the next few weeks until we head off on our honeymoon - Lord knows I'll not be holding back on the food while overseas :) but I also plan to be very active while away.
It's time to start afresh.
The only good news that I have, is that I finally put new batteries in my scale which bought back the body fat % function. When I first got the scale a couple of years ago, my body fat was around 50%, and it didn't move much all throughout my 25kg weight loss. I haven't had a tool to measure it for about 15 months - but now it's down to 44%. So that's a major positive, and a boost to my self esteem to know that while the total body weight hasn't gone down much over the last 12 months, the fat % HAS. My body is changing, and it's all my hard work. Considering I've been slack of late, I can only imagine what might happen if I actually try. It was enough to motivate me to hit the weights room at the gym this afternoon. I've slacked off the weights because they don't give such striking immediate results ie sweat and calories burned, but I know it'll be better in the long run.
That's my life right now. Tell me a story to make me feel like I'm not the only one who's life isn't perfect?
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