2012 - The year of ME!

I declared 2012 the year of ME.

So what did I do for me this year?

I spent time with me. I spent time working out what I want. I spent time exercising, eating, drinking, loving.

The other day, I looked at my byline  - the year of ME - and thought 'Well, that didn't work!'. I didn't lose weight, I didn't achieve my goal. But then I sat back and thought about what I HAVE achieved this year. What went right, rather than what went wrong. It's amazing what you see when you look for the positives!

I got myself a better job. I looked at what I loved about my job, and what I didn't love so much. I proposed a new position for myself, and it worked.

I moved in with Dave. We're in such an awesome place in our relationship, just coasting along with no worries in the world... except what to have for dinner and who's going to be the first one out of bed in the morning. Two very tough, daily decisions!!

I ran. I run. I'm a runner. I have never been a runner. I've run on more than one occasion in 2012, and I've run a few times for more than 20 minutes at a time. I think that makes me a runner. Doesn't it? Apart from the breathing thing, I really enjoy it. The treadmill is a lot easier, but outside is so much nicer!! I'm sure the more I do it, I'll sort out the breathing thing and then it'll all be sweet. Probably not until after the walk though - most of my training will be walking, not running (except the interval parts!) and I'll be clocking up the kms in preparation. After March 1st, though, watch out world!

I'm cooking healthier food for the both of us. Not 100% of the time, probably more like 80% of the time, but it's an improvement. 12WBT is giving me more recipes, more ideas, and most importantly, a love of fresh, healthy food.

So what is 2013 going to look like for me? 2013 is going to be the year of MY HEALTH. Looking forward, not looking back. Not depriving myself, but not giving in to the cravings, or the habits, EVERY time. Today, I ate some dark chocolate. It tasted like shit. Give me Cadbury Dairy Milk any day (not every day!). If I have it every so often, so be it. Reducing my carb intake (this includes the big one... sugar) is the key to successful weight loss, for me. I'm going to continue to log my food on MFP, and keep a close eye on the carb/sugar numbers.

So, the vague plan is this:
-Less carbs (not zero, but lower than usual!)
-More exercise
-Stick to 12WBT exercise program and include running.
-Stick to lower calorie eating
-Try not to splurge as much as 2012 - all of my hard work in the exercise department was completely negated by my contribution to keeping Cadbury in business.

Thanks for a great year!!

Shameless Plug

Here's the spiel:

On March 1, I'll be trekking 50km along Sydney's coastline to restore sight to people who are needlessly blind. 

I'll be walking 50km in the Wild Women on Top Sydney Coastrek, in support of the amazing work of The Fred Hollows Foundation. 

Did you know that 4 OUT OF 5 PEOPLE WHO ARE BLIND DON'T NEED TO BE?

PLEASE SPONSOR MY TREK to end avoidable blindness!

I want to raise $1000, and I'll need your help!

I'm pretty sure my feet will be covered in blisters. I'll be sunburned, sweaty, exhausted, and probably crying - and that's just at the start line! How much would you pay to see me like that? I promise I'll post photos....

http://www.coastrekfundraising.com.au/kellyrebbechi1

A little bit of positivity.

Today, I did some good things.

- I resisted a lot of chocolate stashed in my drawer at work. Not all of it, but most of it. I stopped at 2 squares of Black Forest chocolate and a few mint truffles. There is literally 4 blocks of various Cadbury flavours and now a box of Mars favourites. I find it easier to keep this sh*t at work, because I am very conscious of my workmates judging me for eating it. It's much easier to sneak it at home or in the car, so I don't have access to it there. I can always wait until I get to work to have chocolate if needed.

- I ran for about 20 minutes of a 40 minute stint on the treadmill tonight. 10 minutes at 7.5km/h, and then some stints at 8, 9, 10 and 12km/h. It felt good!! I also did a bit of elliptical and some stretching... and a headstand!!

- I actually went to the gym today. It's been a while (at least a week, possibly two) so it was good to get back in there. Planning on going back tomorrow, funnily enough.

- I cooked a fairly healthy dinner. Chicken stir fry with hokkien noodles. I really wanted to pick up Noodle Box on the way home from the gym - so I was glad I had all the ingredients waiting at home. Ten minutes later and I had a healthy stir-fry for a fraction of the calories (mainly because I would eat the whole box of Noodle Box and I preportioned the dinner into containers and our bowls). I've just finished, and it was delicious! A little more calories than Mish would prefer, but all in all a good choice. I'm still over in my calories today because of the chocolate, but I made good choices in the afternoon.

- I drank 2 litres of water today. I've really struggled with that the last two weeks, so it was good to get back on the water wagon.

I also received in the post my diary for 2013. It's made by a Melbourne company and is a mixture of a goals planner and a daily planner, with little bits of inspiration and a few little reminders to stay on track. I'm excited to start filling it in with all of my stuff, seeing as my google calendar hasn't really been working for me lately.

Anyhoo, that's my news... what's yours?

I'm so glad I didn't waste my Christmas night!

Yesterday was strange. Lunch with the bf's crazy family (where lunch was served at 3:30pm!!). I'm so glad I made us breakfast before we left, as I was starving even then....

Anyhoo, after all that, we got home and I tackled the mountain of meat in the fridge. I used to cook about a month's worth of meals in advance and found it not only cheaper, but much better for me as there is always something in the freezer to reheat. Since I've moved in with Dave, the freezer has been in the garage and therefore hardly used.

I got him to bring it inside the other night and set about cleaning it and prepping it for filling. It was ready on Sunday, but seeing as it was so hot I was NOT going to spend the day in the kitchen. I'd already done a huge shop on Saturday morning and needed to get everything cooked before it spoiled so when we got home last night, I set about making everything.

Two hours later, and I was so impressed with my efforts. For Dave, I made Chicken Cacciatore, Honey Mustard Chicken, Mongolian Beef, and Butter Chicken. For myself, I made girly portions (Mish approved!) of Satay Chicken, Beef Stroganoff, and Mongolian Chicken. I had made a Lasagne and Spaghetti on Saturday so all in all our freezer is packed with portion sized lunches for the both of us for about a month.

For roughly $150.

And four-ish hours of my time (two for the lasagne, two for all the rest!).

The organisation is coming back, and this is going to be the key to success in the future. No more going to the cafe 4 times a week for lunch. No more.

I also ordered a new diary for next year, which should hopefully come in the next few days (or early 2013).It's a goals planner and diary all in one, with little tidbits of inspiration dotted throughout. I'm really hoping that it helps me to keep on track. The google calendar just isn't cutting it right now - I can't see everything that I need to see in one go.

138 days to go!

So, I've just discovered it's 138 days until I turn 30. I downloaded an app (T-0) on my iPhone that is a countdown.

What should I do in these 138 days?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm not going to set any crazy goals. I'm not going to aim for a target I know I won't reach. I'm going to take each day in my stride and just BE.

I know I want to be thinner. I know I want to be fitter. I know I want to be healthier.

In just under 20 weeks, a lot is possible - both positively and negatively. I could lose 20kg. I could stay the same. I could be smaller, physically. I could stay the same. I could be stronger. I could stay the same.

My pledge to myself for the next 138 days is to be organised. To set aside the time each Sunday to work out food and exercise for the week. To set aside the time each night to reflect on the day. To set aside time each day (morning or night, or BOTH!) to exercise. Not to exercise like a maniac, but to go for a walk. Or to ride my bike. Or to run. Or to go to the gym.

I also pledge to myself to not get caught up and overwhelmed by the plan. To not overthink things. To not sabotage myself by thinking 'it's all too hard/too much/not worth it' and to just do it.

I know that I've made goals/statements in the past and I haven't stuck to them. It's my nature. I go gung-ho for a few weeks and then it all goes to shit. 2012 was meant to be MY year. I was going to be sitting here telling you all that I'm no longer obese, no longer overweight, even. I was going to be sitting here telling you all how much I love my new life, how it's so easy once you get there, that it is worth the pain and frustration and EFFORT to get to where you want to be.

Well, this is what I'm telling you today. I do love my life. I love everything about my life - how easy it is, how hard it is, how fun it is, and how utterly boring it is. Life is ups and downs. I'm never going to get to the place where I am perfectly happy with how I look and who I am and where my life is. I know this now.

And next year, let me tell you, I am going to make the effort to be in a better position than I am now. With my weight, with my finances and with my fitness.

Looking back at my chart for my weigh-ins, on January 1, 2012 I weighed 113.8kg. I don't know what I'll weigh on January 1, 2013, but it will be less than that! Not by much... but less. And on January 1, 2014, it will be even less. Well, maybe more, but that will be because of the person growing inside me (hopefully by then!). And as long as each year, on January 1, I do not weigh more than I did the year before, I will know I am heading in the right direction.

The last day of Week 4

Big Day today. It's been a big week - I've been on and off this program more times than I can count this week. One second I'm as determined as all hell to do it, the next second I'm thinking it's all too hard and I can't do it any more.

The truth is - this is the hardest thing I have ever done. It's been the hardest two years of my life. I've started and stopped this thing so many times. If I'd just done it properly and whole-heartedly, given it my all, for a year, I would be done by now. I would be thinner, stronger, and healthier.

But I AM. I AM thinner. I AM stronger. I AM healthier.

I'm not the thinnest I can be. I'm not the strongest I can be. I'm not the healthiest I can be.

I am getting there. It's going to be a bloody long road.

Anyhoo... end of Week 4 is measurements/milestone time. Here are my stats:

Weight : -1.1kg (110.9)
1km run: 1:08 faster (7:44)
Pushups : 4 more on toes (10), same on knees (20)
Sit and Reach : 10cm further (+22cm) - this is proof that my hammies were soooo tight last time!
Abdominal: Levelled up! (Level 2 now)
Wall Sit: 0:46 longer (1:16)
Lost 12cm off my measurements (mainly off the chest which sucks but I'm hoping it's off the back boobs and not the front ones!! Legs had a good loss too so the running is doing SOMETHING)

So the long and short of it.... I've had a half-arsed attempt for the first four weeks and still managed to improve on EVERY single aspect of the challenge. Here's to putting in a bit more effort in the next four weeks to continue this and get a bit further along this road to greatness!!

Where I am going wrong.

So the last two weeks have been pretty shit. The first two weeks of 12WBT I was all over the plan. Working out meals, shopping for them, setting aside time for workouts and just getting it all done.

And now I'm not.

I barely planned this week's food, and have not stuck to the meagre plan that I had made up. I'm making excuses to not exercise. I'm letting myself eat crap all day.

It's not okay.

So tonight, I've sat down and planned next week's meals. I've got my exercise times locked in as reminders on my phone, and I WILL get out and at least walk for 10 minutes of each hour morning and night. Although I've set aside two hours each day for exercise, I know that I won't necessarily get two hours worth of stuff done. Two hours each day is too much. But two hours set aside each day is plenty of time to get the workout in.

Shopping time is set aside on Saturday for next week's meals. Sunday is a busy day and I know I won't get much done in the kitchen so Saturday it is. Meals that I can precook will be in the fridge and freezer on Saturday night.

I know that I probably will not lose weight this next weigh in. The week after is GOING TO BLOW EVERYTHING OUT OF THE WATER.

I have not met my 4 week goal of losing 5kg. I have, however, met my goal of running 500m without stopping. In fact, I've run 4.5km without stopping TWICE. I've now changed my running goals to run further and faster.

3 months - run 5km in under 45 minutes (Feb 4 2013)
6 months - run 7km in under 60 minutes (May 4 2013)
12 months - run 10km in under 60 minutes (Nov 4 2013)

What have I learned from my 2-week trip off the wagon?
Plan.
Focus on the positive in EVERY situation.
Plan.
Goals are made to be smashed.
Plan.
And plan.

What to do when you fall off the wagon?

Get back on...

That's all there is to it.

Tonight, I did just that. I came home, got some noodles, and sat down to watch the Live Feed. If you don't know what that is, occasionally Mish sits down and gets on a live stream - 12WBTers submit questions and she answers them. One person asked what to do for night-time snacking. Mish suggested a walk.

Now, today was 33 degrees. Too hot. (Excuse Number 1). I slept in. (Excuse Number 2).

Then I ate noodles for dinner. And Smarties for lunch.

At some point, you've just gotta get back on the wagon.

So I strolled around the neighbourhood for 1 hour and 23 minutes tonight. It was actually delightful! Looking forward to doing it again tomorrow.

:)

It's Friday!!!

And usually that would mean pizza on the couch, possibly a Cruiser or two, some munchies, a movie.

Tonight, I got home from work, walked 10km, made a quick chicken pasta and am now sitting on the couch watching Black Swan. Sans munchies. I've even put the leftover pasta in the fridge already so I won't eat it. I might go for a bowl of icecream a bit later if I feel like something sweet but right now I'm feeling pretty satisfied.

I have a confession to make. I didn't go to the gym the other night like I said I would. I didn't go yesterday either. I did, however, do most of the 'at home' exercises yesterday so I feel better about not going to gym. And I'm doing them tonight too, because the Core/Flexibility part of the program is the same at home as it is at the gym. Last night I went for a walk as well - only 5km though, and more for my sanity than anything else. I didn't take my HRM, I just took my iPod and went.

I think too much. I analyse too much. Sometimes I get so caught up in the numbers, the reps, the program and I don't do things just for me. The last few days have been really tough mentally for me - I'm struggling with the pressure I put on myself to succeed and am therefore failing. So I took a little break. And I really feel so much better about the whole thing now! A bit more relaxed, more committed to putting in the hard yards and taking however long it takes to get this done, rather than going all gung-ho and burning out too quickly. I ALWAYS do this. Too much, too quickly and then give up. Well, this time it's taken me over 2 years already. It'll probably take another year or so, but I'll get there.

Just watch me.

Oops!

I didn't run the lake. I woke up feeling like absolute crap with my monthly friend. I put on my workout gear, got to the lake and started jogging. Everything hurt, so I slowed to a walk. Then it started raining so I turned around and went back to the car. I walked for just over 20 minutes, so made it past Mish's '10 minute rule', but am pretty disappointed in my efforts. I'll definitely be heading to the gym tonight and doing the prescribed cardio workout!

Weighed in - 700g heavier. There are a few reasons why this might be (monthly friend, salty food) but I'm pretty sure it's just because I've been a bit slack - alcohol, chocolate and skipped workouts this week = gain. This coming week will be better!

Hello, my friend.

My friend is visiting. She comes once a month, and makes me into a completely different person. I want to eat everything made of sugar. I want to sit on the couch with a blanket and a hot water bottle and not move for a week.

I'm trying really hard to not let this month's visit go like all the others. I'm trying to change my 'normal'. This morning I woke up and decided that I wasn't walking around the lake, like I usually do. I did it yesterday. I'll do it tomorrow. I'll go to the gym and do the toning workout tonight. I don't need to do it. I got dressed, prepared my breakfast and lunch, and packed my bag with my work clothes. Then I realised I'd gotten dressed in my workout gear without even realising. It was fate!

I dropped the boy at work, drove to the lake and had a lovely 45 minute walk around it. I enjoyed the time with the sunshine, watching the rowers on the lake learn the ropes. I smiled at all of the oldies and regulars on the way around. I didn't even wear my HRM - this walk wasn't a workout, it was some 'me' time. I still went to the gym tonight and did the prescribed workout - burned 300 calories (stayed an extra 10 minutes and did some intervals on the treadmill before my stretches), and came home and cooked a lovely dinner (12WBT recipe - Satay Chicken - was divine!).

Now I'm heading off to bed. At 9:30. Because I'm that cool.

PS - I'm running the lake tomorrow morning. I did it on Friday, and I did it on Monday (yesterday), so I'll do it tomorrow. Friday's time was 51 minutes, Monday 46 minutes. Averaged speed on Friday was 5.6km/h, Monday was 6.1km/h. I don't have a goal in mind for tomorrow's run, but I want to run the whole way (again) and I know I will do it!

Xmas Party Weekend... those dreaded 3 words..

This weekend is full of Xmas parties for me. Friday night I had my cali breakup for the year. Saturday night, work Xmas party. Sunday night, dinner at Mum's (not a Xmas theme, but a monthly things with my brothers, and their partners and kids).

How am I going to tackle this now that I'm 'on a diet'? One step at a time!!

Friday night, we were getting pizza and having a few drinks. I decided not to drink alcohol (I would be having enough at the work do the next night!), and had a scroll from Baker's Delight on the way over, so that I wouldn't be tempted to eat too much pizza. We had a great night just sitting and chatting, but only half the people turned up so the pre-ordered pizzas were sitting there at the end of the night. I took a whole one home...

I got home at 1:30am, and went straight to bed. I was exhausted after a long week of exercising hard, trying to eat well, and burning the candle at both ends a smidge. I woke up at 1:30pm on Saturday. Could not believe I'd slept for 12 hours!! Anyway, pizza for breakfast/lunch/brunch was not the best choice, but I ate it. And I enjoyed it.

Lee, my friend from work came over to get ready before the party. Last year we ate too early, got to the party and drank quite a bit very quickly so planned this year to eat just before we left. We got Maccas - and I was proud of myself. I was really not that hungry because of the pizza, so I only ate the burger and didn't force myself to eat the chips. Usually I would, so this is a big thing! I know Maccas is not a great choice either, but it's one of the times I knew I would be having it so had semi-planned for it.

We got to the party (at the aquarium, so beautiful!) and there was no bar. NO BAR. Just people walking around with food and drinks. The food people were definitely outnumbering the drink people so it was very hard to get a drink. I wasn't going to nibble, because I was drinking and had definitely had all my food calories for the day in that burger and pizza. I was practically following the drinks guy around all night just trying to get SOMETHING to drink (even the water/soft drink was scarce!)

I danced my little booty off. I never dance, but I got so caught up in everyone else's excitement that I just went off. I was wearing my fitbit, but forgot to check it before midnight when it ticked over, so have no idea if I made my 10,000 steps for the day by dancing. I'll find out on Monday when I get to work and sync it (the base station is at work) and see how I went.

I did skip my Super Saturday Session as I was sleeping and then needed to get ready. I feel bad about missing it, but not because I feel like I should feel guilty for missing a session. I actually feel like I let myself down because I'm really enjoying the exercise program and I need to do it. When I say 'enjoying', I mean 'hate while I'm doing it but feel amazing afterwards'. I am going to do it today, as soon as Lee gets here to pick up her stuff. She drove over, and was meant to be staying with us - but she picked up at the party and ended up staying somewhere else last night. As soon as she gets here, I'll be into the gym and then doing my shopping and cooking for next week. There are a few meals I'll be making ahead and I want to get this done before we leave to go to Mum's. I know we're having spaghetti with garlic bread for dinner, but I've asked Mum to have some green leaves there too so I can fill up on those. And I need to have a proper breakfast this morning as I'm feeling a bit seedy... Imagine what I would feel if I'd been able to get a drink more often!!

12745...

...that's how many steps I got in today.

9.

That's how many biscuits I ate at morning tea (WTF)

80.

That's how many grams of chocolate I managed to eat before I realised that I was doing it.

500.

That's how many grams I lost this week.

3.

That's how many times I did the 1000 stairs last night.

A couple of things to be proud of, a couple of things to not be so proud of. Days like this come and go in my life (and I'm sure in yours too) and are more often than not the norm. I struggle with 'being good', and with mindlessness.

Yesterday, I made the decision to do the stairs 3 times. The first time up I was all over it. Coming down was a breeze. The second time up, I wanted to stop, turn around, and go back. I didn't. Coming down was not so breezy. I made the decision about 3 steps from the bottom to just turn right back around and go for the third. I did it. It was hard, but not as hard as the second time. Coming down was harder than the previous two times. For some reason, coming down stairs is harder than going up them. My knees hate it.

Then I went to Fasta Pasta and ordered an entree takeaway ravioli. I ate half, put the other half in the fridge, and had it for lunch today. That's the first time I have EVER saved any of a meal. I always go back and eat the leftovers. Not yesterday!

Today, not so good. I mindlessly ate my way through a packet of biscuits because they were in my drawer at work and I opened the drawer and then I ate them. I don't know if I was hungry. Then I did the same thing while cooking dinner (roo pies. amazing!) - found myself hoeing into a mini block of chocolate and had eaten 1 and opened another before I realised what I was doing. Then I finished it (because I might as well, right).

I am extremely sore today after yesterday's efforts, so decided to skip the morning workout and go to gym tonight. Then on the way home from work, I decided I was still too sore, so skipped gym all together. After dinner though, it was still warm and light, and there wasn't much on TV, so I put my shoes on and went for a stroll. It was quite leisurely (5.5km in 1hr 10mins) and I really enjoyed the time alone with my music and my thoughts.

Today could have been worse. I could have eaten the rest of the chocolate (why do I even have it in the pantry?) and sat on the couch all night watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (Royal Special... how could I miss that??). But I didn't.

JFDI

Week 1 is done!

Reflecting back on Week 1, I'm pretty positive! Sure, there were some days that didn't go according to plan, but isn't that what we call life? Life barely goes to plan!

Friday was a bit of a write-off - I walked/ran the lake in the morning (regular sate with Albert.. he never lets me down!) and then worked. After work I picked Dave up and we headed over the other side of town for an 18th birthday dinner. One of the kids I babysat regularly since he was born (he's one of four, and the youngest is my godson) turned 18 a week or so ago (OMG I'm so old!!) and invited me to his birthday dinner. I was stoked - Mum didn't even get an invite and she still sees him twice a week with church stuff - so I must be pretty special to him! I probably didn't choose very wisely off the menu (Nasi Goreng) and then Dave surprised me with a giant slice of chocolate mousse cake because I'd 'been so good all week'. I couldn't stop eating the Nasi, but did manage to only eat about a third of the mousse cake which was delicious, but I knew I shouldn't eat too much of it. I sent the plate down the kids end of the table as soon as I had decided not to eat any more and it was demolished within about 3 minutes. So glad I did that - I know I would have picked at it for the rest of the night!

Saturday I supervised a coaching course for Cali. I did stop in at Maccas for brekky (hadn't got up early enough to cook the Mish approved bacon and egg wrap) and didn't get a chance to eat lunch so that was a bit of a disaster.

I made up for it today though!! Smashed out my SSS - started with Friday's workout and just kept going through Saturday so I haven't technically missed any workouts this week!! Yay! I only burned 850 cals in the 2.5 hours though - I was shattered... Looking back now, a few hours later, I don't think I could have given it any more than I did. I spent an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill at the end but really had nothing left in the tank so if I had have stayed longer, it would have been a waste.

Before gym, I went to Highpoint to find a dress for my work Xmas party next weekend (Biggest Red Flag Day EVER!). I went straight to City Chic, picked a few dresses and tried them on. I was stoked that some were too big (ended up in size Small in every style) and for the first time in my life, had to decide not between just whatever fitted, but between which ones I actually liked more!! I came home with a nice blue number for the Xmas party and a pretty floral scrap of material for my family's annual Xmas picnic. Let's not discuss the damage to my bank account? Yeah, skipped that bit with Dave too. Haha. Last year's Xmas party dress was from there as well, but next year's will not be! I won't fit!

Cheers to shopping in a 'normal' shop for clothes soon...

xx

My new favourite day... Thursday!

Not because it's Toning Day, that's for sure. I must say I hate Toning Days. I much prefer Cardio Days! Partly because I get intimidated by the blokes in the free weights area (I feel like I'm in their way doing my 'girly weights') and partly because there's a trainer at the gym who trains about 6 people at a time and I can never use the equipment I want to use!

But I digress.... Thursdays are when the new plans are released!! I've sat here for the last hour working out my meal plan for next week. This week I stuck to the program and still have quite a lot of food left in the fridge - most recipes use a certain amount of 'something' and the 'something' only comes in a bigger container. So for next week's plan, I've adjusted the lunches to repeat so that I can use up ingredients, and also adjusted the dinners to use up the same sort of vegies. I've tried to keep a similar carb/protein ratio (replacing low carb high protein meals with similar) so that it still complements the exercise program. I've left a couple of meals on there that scare me so that I can still try them!

Today I slipped - I didn't stick to my plan and ended up buying lunch at the blasted cafe (although I made a good-ish choice there). I kinda made the decision early on so skipped my morning snack and then afterwards also skipped my afternoon snack. I have a vague idea of the calories that I ate and know it was definitely more than 300 so hoping the lack of snacks will compensate!! Then dinner we ended up eating a couple of meals that were already in the fridge that would have been thrown out tomorrow. I had a sensible portion size, but still probably went over for the day. I'm looking at it as one day. I'm not taking the 'free' meals on Saturday and have done extra exercise every day this week so in the grand scheme of things it's not going to be a big deal. It won't become a habit, I promise!!

Exercise went really well today. I did the Toning Day routine as prescribed and then went upstairs to the 'virtual training room' to do a 20 minute RPM class. My gym doesn't have classes - instead they have a 'virtual trainer' which is basically a projector set up in a room with mirrors, spin bikes, yoga mats and some small handweights and bars with weight plates. You pick the routine you want from the kiosk, and voila... class time!! I have never done RPM or spin in any form and found it REALLY hard. I wasn't able to get up out of the saddle for any part of the 20 minutes - not sure if it's the thigh burn from the two toning days this week but each time I tried my thighs were on fire. I will try again soon though - my heart rate got quite high regardless of whether I was doing what the trainer was doing. Mostly I just pedalled at speed and didn't do the upping and downing that was required...

And that's all! Nighty Night people...

A good couple of days!

Last time I wrote, I'd had a bad day, but ended with a good attitude. I'm pleased to report that I've resisted temptation MUCH more than usual these last few days. Here's a quick rundown:

Monday: TWILIGHT DAY!!
I got up and went to gym for an hour or so (walked there, did the prescribed workout, walked home) and burned my required calories. I'm over 100kg, so am meant to aim to burn between 600-1000 calories per day - and over 1000 on Saturdays. I did 633 on Monday, so was pretty happy with that. Then I spent the rest of the day on the couch, watching movies! I'm pretty stoked that I didn't eat and crap while sitting - that's usually the time I snack mindlessly.

Lunchtime rolled around and I started preparing my wrap (ham, cottage cheese and salad) and Dave shocked me by asking for one too! We both really enjoyed it and I conquered my fear of cucumber - just ate without thinking and actually surprised myself that it was tasty. I say 'fear' quite lightly as I don't actually fear certain foods, I just have it in my head that I don't eat them, and my body goes all funny (gag reflex kicks in with gusto!). One of my goals for this round is to try everything on the menu at least once so that I can say that I don't like things once I've actually EATEN them.

I made a tuna pasta bake for dinner. It wasn't 12WBT, but I had a much smaller serve than usual and enjoyed it. Our movie wasn't until 9:45 and we finished the four previous movies just in time to get to the cinema. I did have a choc top (saved my snack calories for THAT one) and also ate a lot more popcorn than I should have. Not a great start to the program, but I definitely thought about each handful of popcorn and stopped eating it before it was finished. I would usually just eat and eat until it is gone.

Tuesday:
Went very much to plan. I followed the 12WBT menu for lunch, had my two snacks, and had my own breakfast wrap creation (tortilla, turkey, capsicum, mushrooms and spinach). I teach a class on a Tuesday night (finish up in 2 weeks) so would usually go to Fasta Pasta straight from work to have dinner before class. It's on the other side of town so I have roughly an hour to waste after the drive out there before the class starts. Instead of Fasta Pasta, I packed a muesli bar/meal replacement type thing, and drove up the mountains to the 1000 stairs. I'd done them in 80 minutes with Mum on Saturday, so pushed myself to do it in the hour. I'm proud to announce that I did it! I was late to class (by 5 minutes! Bad Coach!) but am proud that I JFDI and squeezed an extra workout in. I had already done the toning day workout in the morning before work (super organised!!) and managed a total of 770 cals burned for the day, and a diet plan under 1200!!

Wednesday - Weigh In Wednesday!!
The Wednesday morning ritual - Wake Wee Weigh. I was pleased to see a loss on the scale (down to 110.8 from 112) of 1.2kg since last Wednesday. I wasn't expecting a loss with the giant sodium intake of a pizza and popcorn over the weekend, so I was excited! Imagine what may have been if I hadn't indulged...?

I walked around the lake before work (5km) but didn't push it as I am really sore from Tuesday's toning workout. I treated my lake walk as my meditation time, as I knew I would do my proper workout tonight at the gym. I was tempted a second time (same thing happened yesterday!) by my colleague who I have lunch with. She hadn't brought anything with her so we went to the cafe, but instead of just saying 'fuck it' and putting my lunch in the fridge to have tomorrow and buying some crap from the cafe (like I usually would) I stuck to my plan and had my 12WBT lunch both days. She said she'll probably do the same thing tomorrow but I'll be prepared then too! She also tried to offload the rest of her muffin on me during the afternoon. 'Old Kelly' would have gladly accepted the muffin and hoovered it straight away. 'No thanks' were the two hardest words to say, but they were accepted without question. Phew.

Did my prescribed workout at the gym tonight (with some extras and pushed myself so bloody hard!) and had a beautiful dinner (12WBT of course!!) and have finished up the day on a high. 823 cals burned, just over 1000 cals eaten. I might even indulge in a few of the lollies that Dave bought yesterday for dessert if I feel like it in the next hour or so. Part of me thinks it might not be worth it!

New menu plans and exercise are released in the morning... I can't wait!!

John Farnham, eat your heart out.

John Farnham, the King of 'Last Times'. He's always doing a farewell tour, one final goodbye, just one last time. Well, Johnny, tonight I have given you a run for your money!

Dave works 1 weekend in 3 so I had the weekend to myself. Yay! Went shopping today and got everything I need for the week's meal plan. Caught up on the washing, did a bit of tidying around the house, kept meaning to go for a walk but never did (although I managed to get 5000 steps just pfaffing about the house and shops). And then he got home.

I was cooking the Thai Fish Cakes in advance, and was just frying up the last batch when he walked in the door. He patiently waited for me to finish cooking, and then jumped me. Half an hour later, we're both lying in bed and I thought... fuck it. Let's get pizza.

For the last time.

And we did.

And I ate the whole thing.

And some chips.

And now I feel like crap, and am super glad that I get to start again tomorrow. I'm sitting here with my water bottle and my heart is racing from all the grease. I have a headache, and I'm sweating a bit. So gross. I really hope I can remember this feeling next time I want a pizza, because this is not good.

This may not be the last time I order a pizza. In fact, I know this will not be the last time I order a pizza. BUT, it's the last time I eat a whole pizza! I WILL slip, and I will slip often. However, I won't fall. I'm stronger than that, and I want more than that for myself.

Tomorrow is Twilight Day. We've both got the day off work, and we're watching all four movies before heading off to Gold Class to see the final chapter. Bella is starting her new life as a vampire, and I'm starting my new life too! New vampires have strength and energy in abundance. Tomorrow, I'll spring out of bed (albeit a little later than usual) and head off to the gym. It's Cardio Day, and I'll be following the program. There's a bit of treadmill, cross trainer, rowing, abs, and stretching. I'll stay there until I burn my 500 calories, and then I'll be heading back home to my beloved for a magical day together!

Woah, Mumma!

My Mum was my inspiration today. I had to come back across town (I live over the other side from my parents, and Cali) to teach this afternoon, so I locked in a session with Mum for the afternoon before class. She's never done the 1000 stairs in Upper Gully, so I picked her up and we went for it.

I bought her a HRM for her birthday, so we both strapped on and set off up the hill. For those of you that don't know, the 1000 stairs is a trail up a mountain that starts with a 1.5km walk and then there's 1000 stairs to the top (mostly concrete cut into the mountainside). Along the way there are markers and plaques with stories from the Kokoda Track - it's kind of a tribute/memorial for the diggers (and their 'fuzzy wuzzy angels') who were made to walk the Track in WWII.

Both our heart rates got ridiculously high just walking up the hill. Mum's kept beeping as she was over her max rate, and mine even had a go once or twice. After a short stop just before the stairs started, we continued up to the top. We stopped every few minutes for a breather and a drink and to let our hearts catch themselves. There was a group of walkers who we kept swapping with - we would pass them, then they would pass us - we got talking and encouraged each other to keep at it. It's pretty tough!

A few times I would look behind me and Mum was focussed on the steps in front of her. I was leading the way, but checked every so often if I couldn't hear her breathing behind me. Her expression was one of determination, but I could see the doubt creeping in. She's heard that it's torture and I could tell that she was pretty ready to give up at the halfway mark. I made a point of not stopping where the markers were - so she couldn't see how far we had gone, or how far we had to go. I've done it myself a few times so know the points where I usually stop, and the points I want to give up, and also the point where you're almost there. About 200 steps from the end, the slabs of concrete get longer and the steps take 2 or 3 steps between each one. This is my favourite part, because it's nearly over!

We made it to the top in about an hour from the time we left the car. There are people who do the whole thing 3 times in an hour, but they're freaks. Haha. After a little rest, we came back down. It's a killer on the knees coming back down - your legs are all shaky and the concrete isn't even and the steps are uneven and the rail is sometimes out of reach. Mum had to go pretty slow, but I made sure she was with me or that I waited for her to catch up on the hard bits.

We got down to the bottom, and the relief on her face was priceless. She was shitty that I burnt more calories than her (I did 624, she did 550) but I reminded her that I'm 10 kilos heavier than her so bloody deserved the extra burn. On the way down, she'd mentioned that she would NEVER do it again - it was on her bucket list and was crossed off! But then in the car, she was talking about me ringing her whenever I was coming over to do it (I'll need to for my 50km walk training) and that she wants to beat her time next time.

My Mum is 52 years old. She's always been a big girl, but she tries really hard to eat well, and goes to the gym 4-5 times a week. I don't think she's ever pushed herself that hard, or believed that she could do anything that big. She didn't really believe in herself today, but I certainly did. She amazes me!

Today is the day!

Well, sort of. The first week was released on the 12WBT website to give us enough time time shop, plan, organise and diarise for the week ahead. You know what I did? I started early.

You heard me. I started already.

I got on my smartphone at the gym, hit the start button on my HRM (heart rate monitor for those of you that don't know), and followed the 'Beginner Toning' program for next Thursday. It's Thursday today, so why not? I remember reading that we need to burn 500 calories each day, so after the session (about 45 minutes of strength-ish circuit-y training) I checked my HRM and was pretty shattered to see only 245 calories burned. I know Toning Days are going to be nowhere near as burn-y as Cardio Days, but you know what? Just Fucking Do It. That's my new motto (stolen from Mish, of course!). Got on the Cross Trainer, cranked it up to Level 5 and pounded away to Justin Bieber and whatever else was on the US Top 30 on the screen. 30 minutes later, I checked Harry (my HRM) and was stoked to see 490 calories GONE. Finished up the session with a stretch, and walked out of the gym with a nice 524 calories burned.

I also had a date with Albert (Park Lake) this morning. A brisk walk around the 5km lake gave me another 350ish calories this morning.

And you know what the worst thing is? I broke even today. I found some evil treats in the boot this morning when I was getting my shower gear at work - and managed to mindlessly eat the whole bag of evil during my work day. I logged it, and now I've burned it. So I'm even today. God, imagine where I'd be if I hadn't succumbed to the evil. It's gone now, and I won't be buying it again. Too delicious and not very nutritious. Not nutritious at all actually. And so much sweat went into working it off too. Such a shame.

I'm excited to get going and have planned a SSS (Super Saturday Session) with my Mum - we'll either do the 1000 stairs in Upper Gully or walk around Lilydale Lake. I have to head over that way to teach on Saturday afternoon, and with Dave working all day it's a good excuse to get out and get moving.

I'm also using the rest of tonight to plan out my menu for next week. I'm a very fussy eater when it comes to healthy food, so I'm going to plan ahead, make a list, and shop accordingly on Sunday. I'm also going to make up a few meals to freeze for lazy days, and some bigger heartier stuff for Dave's lunches. He's cool with me making some changes but doesn't want to be missing out on a big feed each day, and with his physical job he needs the extra calories (not much extra, but he'll not notice the difference if I make some tweaks to the usual lunch!) I've had a look at some of the recipes for the coming week and am stoked that there's more than a few things I want to try so they'll definitely be going on the list!

So I'm hoping my new friends Albert (Park Lake), Harry (HRM), and Freddie (the fitbit) will help me on my way...

Oh, and today we had to 'Measure Up' to get our benchmark measurements. Here are mine!

Weight 112kg
Chest 111cm
Waist 121cm
Widest Point (of hips) 130cm
Right Thigh 79cm (when measured 35cm from edge of kneecap)
Left Thigh 79cm (when measured 35cm from edge of kneecap)
Right Arm 37cm
Left Arm 36cm

Slightly embarrassing, but it'll get better!

One more sleep until...

...until Week 1 plans are released!!

I actually cannot wait to start. I made the decision a few weeks ago to join 12WBT for this round, and it has felt like a lifetime! My mindset has shifted in the last few weeks, but I'm not fully there yet. I've read that you can't out-train a bad diet, and right now, that's all I'm trying to do.

I think I'm trying to get all my bad habits out before it starts - I've found myself eating lollies, buying lunch out, going to Maccas, drinking 'real' coke. I don't even LIKE real coke, yet I'm drinking it. What is going on? Yep... it's the last hurrah. I'm pretty sure it's going to continue until Monday. I don't know why I'm doing it... actually I do, but it doesn't make any sense.

I've decided I'm going to do this 12WBT thing until I reach 80kg. That might be all year! But I WILL continue to do it. At least if I'm paying for something I'll feel a little bit guilty if I'm not giving it my all. The way it's done now there is no downtime between Rounds - you go straight from one to the next. I think this is best for me - if I find I'm falling off the wagon, there's a few weeks before the new round starts where the energy is revitalised with the Preseason Tasks for the new round.

And the main goal? I can't believe I'm saying this out loud... I can try to get pregnant once I reach 80kg. I can't start until then. And I REALLY want a baby. So that will be a very big motivation for me. ARGH!!!!

Fitness Test Time!!

So we have to do a fitness test for the beginning of the 12WBT - to set a benchmark, and then re-test every four weeks to see our improvement. These are my results:

1km time trial - 8:52
Pushups - 6 on toes, 20 on knees
Abdominal test - Level 1 (can touch wrists to knees, but not elbows crossed over chest without lifting feet off the floor)
Wall sit - 30secs
Sit and Reach - 12cm past toes

I don't exactly remember my results from last time I did 12WBT, but I know my time trial was in the 7 minute range. This time might SEEM worse, but I made a point of running the whole thing this time, not sprinting and then walking like I did last time. I stopped for maybe 10 seconds this time and am determined that in 4 weeks time I WILL NOT WALK AT ALL.

My pushups are definitely better on toes (I don't think I did any last time and my highest was 27 on my knees so I've definitely got stronger arms now)

My Ab strength is still crap. Probably because I don't do any core work, except crunches every so often. That will definitely be one of my focuses this round - getting that core sorted out!

Wall sit was a disaster tonight. Could have something to do with having my end of year Cali concert on Saturday night and then doing a 2 hour walk tonight (Monday), but I'm not going to let excuses get in the way any more. Wall sit needs work!

Sit and Reach last time was over 15cm and I know my hammys are very tight from Cali and walking, so it will only get better from here (when I remember to stretch them out after EVERY session which I am quite bad at)

I'm really interested to see my results this time as I'll be following the exercise part to the letter, so I'm really hoping to improve every single one of those benchmarks in the 12 weeks.

In other news, this weekend was massive. I had my end of year Cali concert on Saturday night, stayed at Mum and Dad's Saturday, had my cousin's 30th lunch on Sunday and then a close Cali friend got married Sunday afternoon with the Reception in the evening. Food was all over the shop - I ate (and enjoyed!) everything on offer as kind of a last hurrah. I know I'm not meant to, but I did it anyway. Then because I was tired and didn't have any planning/shopping/cooking time over the weekend, I had a bit of a bender today as well with buying lunch and breakfast out. Cooked a healthy dinner but didn't eat any as I'd eaten a lovely afternoon tea of cheese and crackers that put me WAY over my cals and I wasn't actually hungry when I thought about it (strange... usually I would just eat it because it's dinner time!) And the big win for today? No snacks after dinner. I enjoy a little something sweet after every meal, and that is a habit I hope to break with a little help from Mish and her friends. Plus I went for a walk that turned into a 10km walk and didn't really want to undo all the hard work by scoffing mindlessly on something sweet.

And now it's late and I'm going to lay out my clothes for my Lake Walk in the morning and go to bed. Aiming for 8 hours, so I've gotta be in bed by 10 every night. It's 10:24. Crap.

Demons. Bloody Demons.

I would love to tell you that today was a smashing success. It kind of was.... it kind of wasn't.

Positives from the day:

-Ate everything as planned at work. No random snacks

-Drank 6x600ml bottles of water*

-Kept a positive attitude about many shiite things that happened in my work day

-Did NOT feel like exercising this morning, but went out and did it anyway. It was a walk, not a jagger**, but I still got out there for an hour.

*Mish recommends 30ml per kilo of body weight, which is 3.36 litres for this girl. No time to snack when I'm always attached to my water bottle!

**cross between a jog and a stagger, which is where my running is right now.

Negatives from the day:

-Ended up at the lolly shop (discount lollies + kelly = bad idea)

-Didn't eat planned dinner, impulse bought Latina Tortellini and Garlic Ciabatta

-Went to the toilet about a million times from all the water.

Positives from the negatives:

-Only ate one of the things I bought at the lolly shop (Milk Duds from the USA section). Will see if I can throw away (or give away) the rest tomorrow, but Greedy Kelly is not in agreement with this plan.

-Ate half of what I would usually eat Latina-wise. Asked Dave to dish up half of what he would eat in my bowl and put the rest in the fridge straight away. No going back for seconds if it's already cold!

-Decided that Garlic Ciabatta, while tasty, leaves an awful taste in my mouth (3hrs now and can still taste the garlicky buttery ew in my mouth) so won't buy it again. 

Fingers crossed that the toilet stops will sort themselves out in a few weeks - that my body realises what I'm doing and takes some crap out with the water. I will continue to drink this much because I feel GREAT.

In other news, I got out my handy-dandy notebook and started diarising the next 12 weeks. I'm feeling good about 12WBT... just need to get a handle on Greedy Kelly and her lolly/choc habit. Must think of a 'reward' for indulging - probably hours of exercise.

Fighting some of the demons.

My demons are my food habits. I'd like to say I'm a compulsive eater, but I'm more like an overeater. I just googled 'Overeaters Anonymous' and this is what came up:

OA members experience many different patterns of food behaviors. These “symptoms” are as varied as our membership. Among them are:

• obsession with body weight, size and shape
• eating binges or grazing
• preoccupation with reducing diets
• starving
• laxative or diuretic abuse
• excessive exercise
• inducing vomiting after eating
• chewing and spitting out food
• use of diet pills, shots and other medical interventions to control weight
• inability to stop eating certain foods after taking the first bite
• fantasies about food
• vulnerability to quick-weight-loss schemes
• constant preoccupation with food
• using food as a reward or comfort

I probably do more than half of these on a regular basis, which is very worrying. They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem, so here goes. I have a problem with food. Food is my best friend and my worst enemy. It has been there through thick and thin, good days and bad days. But no more. Food is fuel. Food is fuelling my body to do the things it needs to survive and to thrive. While I think that food comforts me, it's the memory of time with my mum, dad and family (that always revolved around food) that is the true comfort. I have a massive sweet tooth, and years of eating ridiculous amounts of sweet food (especially the old faithful... Dairy Milk) has really built up my addiction to sugar. I can sit and eat a family block and not think twice. All of a sudden it's gone.

A couple of statements have been highlighted to me recently. 'The first bite tastes exactly the same as the last. Why do you need the ones in between?' AND 'Do you remember every mouthful?'. No, I don't remember every mouthful. I zone out when I'm eating. I don't savour the food, I just eat it mindlessly. I've been reading some articles on 'mindfulness' in every day life, and trying to apply some of the principles to both eating and living. Mainly just the parts about stopping and thinking about exactly what is happening in my body at the time. While walking, thinking about how every movement feels. While eating, thinking about how the food tastes, feels, and why I'm eating it. 

The other thing I need to be mindful of is my cravings. It is perfectly normal to WANT something, but I don't have to give in to those cravings EVERY TIME. And I don't have to eat a sh*tload of whatever it is that I feel like. It's okay to say no to something. It's okay to say yes to something. It's okay to feel hungry, and it's okay to overeat on the rare occasion. 

The hardest thing about food is that we can't live without it. You don't need alcohol to survive. You don't need cigarettes to survive. You DO need food to survive. I need to change my thinking about food, to using it as a source of physical nourishment and fuel, rather than a comfort and a companion.

A personal challenge.

I've set myself some pretty ambitious goals, distance wise, for the rest of the year. On Runkeeper, you can set goals, so I have!

I've set a goal of 250km walking and 1000km riding. I'm pretty sure the riding one is too ambitious, seeing as I don't ride very often, but I would love to smash the walking one and possibly even double it!

I'm trying to walk twice a day. In the morning it's around Albert Pake Lake after I drop my bf off at work, for between 40mins and an hour. Then I head off to work for a shower etc. After work, I head out for a stroll for another hour or so. If I do this for the next two weeks, I'm hoping to begin the habit of exercising regularly, so that when the 12WBT kicks in properly I can either do the outside program at the lake in the morning, or the gym program at night, and still keep one of the walks. I don't particularly WANT to be exercising for two hours a day, but it's better than spending the extra two hours on the couch!!

I keep reminding myself that 'normal' people exercise every day. I've been abnormal all my life because I don't - even though it's my normal. I need to change my normal. I will always have a gym membership. I will always have to go for walks most days. This can't stop once I reach my goal weight, because then it will be a waste - I'll gain everything back and be right back where I started.

The power of positive thinking!

Friday night, I got a text message from one of the cali girls, Ashlee - the one I had done the 35km Eastlink ride with last year.

'Hey buddy, wanna ride the Lilydale-Warburton trail tomorrow?'

My first thought? No f*cking way. This weekend is the first weekend in a while that both me and Dave had no plans. Our only plan was to sleep in, enjoy each other's company. The Lily-Warby trail is 40km one way, mostly hills (both down and up!), gravel.

My next thought? Maybe I should. Last weekend Dave worked and I sat on my fat butt all weekend. I did get stuff done (unpicking for calisthenics), but I sat on the couch for 48 hours. I've signed up for 12WBT again, and the season starts Nov 19. I should probably get myself organised and start making exercise a priority. Also, I ate like crap on Friday (almost 2000 calories over my allowance!) so the ride should negate SOME of that.

I messaged back. I was in.

I looked up some of the bike websites, and found out the info. In my head, we were going from Lilydale to Wandin (about 20km return). There was no way we'd make it all the way to Warby and back.

The time came (2pm) and we were at Maccas getting our bikes ready. Something in my mind just clicked. We were going to do the whole thing.

I've been receiving emails from a motivational speaker guy - every morning I read about how I should be changing my mindset, my thought patterns. Changing my perspective on things to a more positive outlook. I started the ride with positive thoughts.

These quickly became harder and harder to keep positive, though I refused to let myself think that I wasn't going to make it. All of the 'flat' parts felt uphill. The distance didn't pass anywhere near as quickly as we'd planned. Because we started out at 2pm, we had about 5 hours of sunlight to travel the 75ish km. After an hour, we'd only gone just over 10. This wasn't going to happen. Ash and I kept pedalling. We got to the 20km point, Wandin, and Ash mentioned that we could turn around at any time. I'd been thinking that maybe we should turn around, but in that split second when the words left her mouth, I thought 'No. We're doing this!' Ash is pretty motivational towards me - she's got an amazing body, amazing dedication to cali, and a great personality. She knows when I'm struggling and gives a little pep talk just at the moment that I'm trying to sum up the courage to tell her I'm giving up. I told her we were going to push a bit harder, and get to Warburton. I had decided in my mind that we would ride until 4:30, then turn around. It was about 3:30, with about 10km to go. We got there at about 4:20. Woohoo!!

We found a pub, got a coke, and went to the loo. Sitting there, on the deck, Ash and I looked at each other and both said 'how the f*ck are we going to get home?'. I suggested we call a cab, one would stay with the bikes, the other would get the cab back to the car and drive up to get the other. Ash suggested paying one of the guys in the pub with a ute to drive us back to Lilydale. Instead, we got our wobbly legs back on the bikes and started riding home. The sun was going down, and we would be running out of light shortly.

Ash has a little computer on her bike that tells current speed, and we aimed for 20km/h on the way home. We averaged about 15 on the way up, so wanted to push harder. Ashlee had been given some advice regarding gears and hills, and we really tried to put this into practice, especially on the way home. We were really pushing hard, keeping in low gear and keeping the pedal rate (it's called cadence, we have since found out) high. We were travelling well, until we hit the massive hill that had seemed so lovely on the way there.

It was a killer. Ash is quite a bit fitter than me, so I let her go ahead at her own speed (she stopped every so often to let me catch up!) and concentrated on pedalling, breathing, and keeping my thoughts positive. I didn't look ahead, I looked down just past my handlebars. I changed down gears so that I could keep my breathing in line with my pedalling, and took a really deep breath every few breaths to avoid hyperventilating. That hill almost beat me. We got to Mt Evelyn (about 10kms to go) and I was struggling. I felt like I was about to vomit, and at the pedestrian crossing where we had to stop to wait for the lights to change, my legs starting shaking uncontrollably and I felt like I was going to pass out.

We'd bought lots of water with us - I had mine in a backpack with a tube so could suck away whenever I wanted. We also had some jelly snakes and muesli bars which we'd eaten half of while we stopped at the pub. At Mt Evelyn, we'd been riding for about 4.5 hours. My body was giving out on me because I had not fuelled it properly.

We crossed the road, and stopped on the other side. I ate some more snakes, had a big drink, and a rest for a few minutes. The sugar kicked in and I felt right to keep going. The last 10km flew. It had looked flat on the way there, but it seemed that it was actually slightly uphill, because we hardly put in any effort to get home from there. Gears were changed all the way up, and we were flying with very little effort. It was getting dark (that big hill had taken a LOT of time) and neither of us have lights so we really needed to get back to the cars.

We got back at 7:45pm, and had logged 5:12 riding. We had stopped at the pub for about half an hour, although it felt like about 10 minutes.

Next time, we'll leave a little earlier so that the pub time can be extended - not to drink, but to rest and refuel. We also decided that next time we'll stop at least twice in the way up and twice on the way back for lollies and drinks, to avoid the body-shutdown situation. I really didn't feel well, and don't want to feel like that again!!

I truly believe that I would have given up if I had let my mind wander to the places it usually does when I'm challenging myself. Usually, my mind gives up long before my body, and my thoughts turn negative very quickly. 'I can't do this'. 'It's too hard'. 'Next time. Give up now and come back another time'. 'I can't'.

The thoughts this time were 'I can'. 'I will'. 'This is hard, but I'm not dying'. 'Keep pedalling'. 'Keep your breathing calm'. And the big one, that I'm not quite sure I believe... 'Ash will never make you do this again if you go all the way this time'......

I'm still here!!

You might have thought that I was gone.... but you were wrong! I'm still here, and I'm still kicking. My weight loss journey has taken a back seat while I enjoy my life and enjoy being in love and feeling on top of the world. But I haven't given up, no sirree, I have not.

I've maintained my weight. I've kept up exercising regularly (at least 4x a week) and while I'm not burning mega calories or lifting a ton, I'm doing it, and I'm proud of where I am. I am nowhere near happy enough with this body of mine to stop, but I'm determined not to give up. I read once that you need to weigh up what you want more - the 'bad food', or the body. Right now, the bad food is winning more often than it should, but I'm not going to walk around starving and grumpy just so I can be thinner quicker. It's just not going to happen.

There's a song in Sweet Charity called "I'm a Brass Band" and it describes me perfectly right now. "All kinds of music is pouring out of me 'cause somebody loves me at last". And that's how I feel. So in love it's making me sick. I'm in the kind of relationship that I hated watching - kisses, cuddles, waking up wrapped in somebody, calling each other 'babe' and making plans for the future. Sometimes I have a memory of a conversation or a moment and think 'God, how lame!'. It's amazing. If this is what my parents have (and have had for 30 years), and my grandparents had for 50 years.... I want it forever too. It scares me sometimes, just how much he means to me.

Don't get me wrong, it's not all sunshine and daisies - he gives me the shits sometimes, being a guy and all. Not worrying about cooking, or washing, or cleaning. Forgetting stuff I've told him. All the usual crap that comes with living together and being mundane and boring. But you know what? It's exactly what I want. I do things for him because he appreciates me (and bloody does it himself when I tell him to!). 

Now the future. Marriage and babies. That kind of stuff cannot happen in this body. I've got a year to get it organised - if not weighing less, then the weight being made of muscle and strength, rather than flab and wobble. I can do it. I just need to say no to that craving in my head - the little voice that tells me the 'something sweet' would be nice after dinner. Say no more than I say yes. 

And then I can say yes...

Torn between two lovers...

I'm torn between my love of chocolate and my desire for a healthier me. Right now, chocolate is winning, and my healthier me is just playing catch-up. I know what I need to do, but I just don't want to do it.

There, I admitted it. I don't want to do it right now. I know I'll be motivated again, one day. But right now, I simply can't do it. I want summer to be here. More specifically, I want daylight savings to be here. Waking up every morning in the dark, spending the day inside at work, getting home in the dark. It's not living. I really enjoy my walks at night. Once I get going, I could honestly walk for hours. And I need to. But I hate the dark. I want to get on my bike and ride, ride, ride. I can't do that in the dark.

The dark and cold is an excuse. I know this. Right now, though, I can't get past that excuse.

I think I need to revisit the 12WBT preseason tasks from last time. I'm sure I wrote a blog about it... Now I need to find that, go back, and do them again. In fact, I'm going to go do that now. Tootles!

A really long walk.

Today, I went for a really long walk. Just over an hour, just over 6km.

And it was all for nothing, because this afternoon, I ate 2 Mars Bars and 2 Twix Bars. I didn't walk enough to even work them off. What a waste. I don't know why I do it to myself.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm planning my food, I'll be walking again tomorrow night. I'm trying to reduce my sodium intake as well as my carbs in the evenings.

Shit, this is hard....

Sometimes life gets in the way.

It does. Life gets in the way. It's been another month since I posted, and life has been happening. Nothing major, just normal, everyday life. Working hard, paying bills, saving money, cooking, cleaning, washing. Life. Fun is happening too - dinner, movies, playing, talking, laughing. LIVING.

I'm struggling to fit in exercise - actually, I'm not struggling to fit it in, I'm struggling to make it a priority. I hate when I get obsessive with exercise, so I'm trying not to, but I seem to be going the other way and forgetting it all together. This would be fine if I just stopped being silly with the snacking and the chocolate cravings. Some days I go really well, and other days nothing goes right.

I'm not getting the 10,000 steps a day. I'm not losing weight. But I'm happy. I wonder if I'm finished. I'm not ready to be finished, but I lack the motivation to do what I need to do to get going again. I know I'll get there, but I think I'm going to have a rest from being so 'into it'. I'm happy, and I want to enjoy this time.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn..

.. is just to love and be loved in return.

Moulin Rouge. One of my all-time favourite films.

Last night I told Dave I loved him, on our 10 month anniversary, for the very first time. I put my big-girl pants on, and said it, without fear of him not saying it back. I didn't expect him to, in fact I didn't even expect him to answer. But then he did. He told me he loved me too - straight away, no hesitation.

I went to sleep with a smile on my face and woke up with the same grin. I've been beaming all day.

In other news, it's been quite a while since I posted. Not much has happened in the last few weeks... but at the same time a lot has happened!

Weight loss wise, there has been no movement on the scale - up or down. I suppose that's a good thing, but it is so frustrating. I've spent at least 3 days a week at the gym, I've upped my strength training to include heavier weights and bodyweight exercises. My food has let me down. I've got into the habit of eating in the car - and when I have to commute back to the East I spend at least 2 hours in the car that night (twice a week at the moment) and I want to eat the whole time. And I have been. This needs to stop.

Tonight, I got home at around 8:30, and decided I'd just walk around the court that we live in. I set a target of 10 times, and when I checked my watch it had been 15 minutes and I'd only done 5 laps. I decided to go a smidge faster and try to get 2 minutes per lap - which I did, and then I just walked and walked until an hour had passed. I think I did 30 laps, but I'm not sure cos I stopped counting after the first ten (ran out of fingers and then got lost in the music). I was up to 6,000 steps on my fitbit when I started, and ended on 12,500.

My fitbit is inspiring me to keep moving. A couple of mundane tasks got taken off me at work, and sadly these were the tasks that got me up and moving away from my desk. Unless I really make the effort, I could sit there for 8 hours and not move. Dangerous. The site's default is 10,000 steps a day as a target, and I'm really trying to get my 7-day average above the 10,000. On the weekends, I hardly move at all. It's really eye-opening! I need to get more incidental exercise into my day, and I've decided I'm going to make a point of taking my 15 minute breaks in the morning and the afternoon. I don't usually take them, but I'm entitled to them, so I'm going to make a point of taking that time for ME to go for a walk, or go up and down stairs. if nothing else, it'll be some extra steps that I don't have to do when I get home from work.

Target for the week: 70,000 steps. My average at the moment is 50-60,000. The week starts on Sunday, so I'm playing catch-up from the get-go as I do nothing most Sundays. This means I'm committing to at least 10,000 steps each workday. It also means that if I don't get to the gym in the mornings, or walk around the carpark if Dave and I go together and I get to work early, then I need to do 'courtlaps' when I get home to make the steps up. NO EXCUSES.

I'm enjoying walking, and it needs to become part of my normal daily routine. At least 1 hour each day. And then I need to work on weekends... less couch time, more walk time.

A whole new world!!

I'm not kidding... EVERYTHING has changed since my last post. And I mean EVERYTHING.

I had a birthday. I'm now in my last year of my 20s. It's sad,but it's also so exciting. I have big goals for the next 12 months, and damn it, I'm going to achieve them!!

I moved in with the bf. It's been a week, and I'm loving it. I've hardly been home, the house is a mess, the washing is piling up, nothing has a place... But I have a place. I'm home. I'm loved. Life is beautiful.

I got a new job, finally. Four months ago I proposed some changes to my role which meant leaving the managerial side of life and moving into more admin, process improvement, problem solving. Well, everything fell into place and the position was approved. I started on Monday, and so far haven't really done anything different in my day-to-day stuff, but clarification next week on the scary stuff will get me started on the finer details of getting things done. I'm really excited (and really scared) to be changing things slowly in our department to get things working smoothly.

And the weight loss stuff? That's not going so well right now. I AM proud, however, that during this last crazy week of moving I have managed to go to the gym twice, and have done some sort of core strength training each day. I'm making myself move more at work (thanks Fitbit!) by going to the toilets across the building and upstairs a couple of times a day. Because those toilets are rarely used, I use the opportunity to do some wall push-ups, squats or star jumps each time I go to the loo as well. Incidental exercise is WORTH IT.

I'm struggling with chocolate at the moment, but that will soon be over with the end of our Freddo fundraiser for calisthenics. I've had a giant box of Freddos staring at me all day from the spare desk next to me. Now that they're all gone, I think I'll be able to manage to eat much less chocolate. I don't eat it at home, and if there's none at work I won't be able to eat it there either.

In the last few weeks (since I've had my Fitbit) I'm still on a downward trend with my weight loss - although it seems that I lose a big chunk one week, then gain a bit back the next week, then lose a big chunk, then gain a little back. I think it's a delicate balancing act that I'll start to see a lot more now that I'm past halfway in my 'journey' to 90kg. Only 15kg to go until I hit 90kg, and then I think I'll continue to lose until I get to 80kg and see how I feel.

I'm putting it out there... I want to be 80kg for my 30th birthday. I plan on having a party, and I want to wear a smoking dress. I also want to be able to think about food as notmal people do, and use exercise as a normal part of my day, rather than just to work off the chocolate that I eat. One thing the 12WBT taught me is to set goals, work out how you will achieve them, and then Just Frigging Do It.

Here are my goals for the next 12 months:

Reach 80kg
Have a normal relationship with food
Exercise on a regular basis

How will I achieve these goals?

By going to the gym - making time for it every day, but not beating myself up if I need a rest day and take the day off. Tomorrow is a new day.
By including vegies in most meals, and eating to sustain life, rather than to indulge every night. 'Treats' are allowed, they just can't be every day. I will deny myself NOTHING, but I will be sensible in my splurging.
By buying new clothes regularly. When I wear my old clothes all the time, I don't FEEL amazing. I want to buy new stuff and feel amazing - even if it's a new top or a new pair of pants once a month.

What's going to get in my way?
Cravings, gluttony, a sense of 'missing out'. Indulging this behaviour is what got me to where I was - fat, and unhappy. Indulging is okay, but I don't need to eat until it's gone. I can have just a bit and be okay. I don't feel any different whether I've eaten a whole block of chocolate, or just a couple of rows. SO why do I eat the whole block? Because I always have, and that's not a very good reason!

Other things that are going to get in my way are generally things that are beyond my control - sickness, inury, other people cooking, LIFE. I need to do what I can, when I can, so that these unplanned events don't ruin my hard work.

2 years ago, I was fat and unhappy. Today, I'm smaller, and happier. I can't wait to see what my life will be like in 12 months time when I'm smaller again and have worked on my emotional and self-esteem issues! I can't wait to get my tattoo so that I can be reminded every single day that I'm worth it... only 15kg to go.

Last Weigh In of the 12WBT

This morning was the last weigh-in for the 12WBT. I must admit, I haven't done as well as I thought I would - but at least I know why.

I've lost 7.7kg, and 11.5cm off my measurements. The measurements aren't as good as they were 4 weeks ago (I've expanded again!!), but my weight has started going down again, which is what I'm more concerned about. I'm proud that I've come out of the 12 weeks with a good loss. About halfway through the program, I really lost focus, so I'm glad I was able to remotivate myself and get back on track.

It's a week until my 29th birthday.. so I have 372 days to get to where I want to be. It's going to be tough. I know I'm going to slip, but I also know I'm going to get back up EVERY time. Eventually. Haha.

I went to my doctor on the weekend, to get a refill prescription for my HBC pill. We don't want babies for at least 2 years... so we need to be prepared! Anyhoo, I was curious as to what I weighed when I first went on the pill 4 years ago. I remembered that he had weighed me , and was concerned about my weight. I asked what that weight was, and he made me get back on the scales before he'd let me know the old number. I was 108.2 on his scales (I like mine better... 105.3) fully clothed. I sat back down, and he informed me that the previous weight of 4 years ago was 114. He congratulated me on losing 6 kilos..... I actually cannot believe that in the course of 4 years I put on 20 kilos, and then lost 25 kilos. I have come so far, yet it seems that I haven't hardly moved. Only 6 kilos difference in 4 years? It doesn't seem fair.

I'm so proud of myself for the effort of the last two years. I've lost 29.4kg. The doc says I still have 29.3kg to go to reach the BMI recommended 76kg for my height. That means no matter how I spin it, I'm halfway. I never thought I'd get here, but I'm so happy to be here. I still think that the BMI calculation is much too small for me. Dave agrees - he likes meaty girls, and wants me to be healthy and happy, rather than starving and grumpy. I don't want to be stressing over the last 10 kilos... so I'm definitely aiming for between 85-90kgs and then see how my body adjusts. That's only another 20 kilos, and that seems manageable in the next 12 months.

I joined a challenge (and have ended up being one of the admins which is highly motivating) that has weekly targets to reach. The targets change each week, and consist of rep targets, calorie burned targets, and minutes exercising targets. There are also Extra Movement challenges which encourage extra movement in daily life. I'm trying to do this anyway with my new toy, my Fitbit, as I'm trying to meet my daily targets set by Fitbit for steps, flights of stairs, activity, cals burned, and distance travelled. I don't get there every day, but I have made changes to where I go to the toilet at work (instead of the closest toilets, I go to the ones on the other side of the building, upstairs), go the long way whenever I have to travel through the building, and try to park further away whenever I go anywhere. It's surprising how little I actually move in a day at work, unless I really make the effort to get away from my desk and go for walks. Five minutes isn't long to be away (no-one really notices!) but I can cover a fair distance in that time, and sometimes get a couple of flights of stairs in at the same time. It's these little things that I think will make the difference in me keeping the weight off, and letting it slowly creep back on. Just being aware is powerful...

I got a new toy...

Got myself a FitBit Ultra. Lordy me, it makes me work hard! Unlike my HRM, it only counts steps, and works out calories burned from there. I'm not really looking at calories burned though, because I'm just trying to stick to my 1200-1400 calories a day.

It's got a couple of cool features, and mainly makes me think about incidental exercise, like getting up from my desk and walking around a bit, using the work toilets furthest from my desk and upstairs, parking further away when shopping etc. Because you wear it all day, it keeps you conscious all day about what you're doing. The website is pretty comprehensive too and provides heaps of data for me to compete against myself with every day.

I love new toys! I really want a Macbook, but that is my 90kg goal present, so I've got another 15kg to lose before I get myself one. By then, I'll probably want something else!

Today was weigh-in day (second last one on the 12WBT) and I lost 900grams. I'm pretty happy with that as I've had a couple of binges this week but got up and exercised straight after (nowhere near enough, but at least I did something). I also have been to the gym consistently most days for the last two weeks. It really shows on the scale - last week's loss was 1.7kg, and then 900g this week.

I've decided that Mish's program doesn't really suit me. While I love the recipes and the general idea of the program, I just can't get into it. I feel like having to hit the 500 calories burned mark every day is what is making me not want to go to the gym. Instead of focusing on being healthy, I was just focusing on going and getting on the treadmill until 500 calories was done. I wasn't enjoying myself at all, so tend to miss more workouts than I do because I don't want to just walk for an hour. The food plan was also off for me - I don't eat a lot of the foods that she put in the plan, so I was having to make up my own menu plan anyway. I'm only using her site to log my weigh-ins now - I haven't listened to any of her videos or anything for about 6 weeks. They don't motivate me at all. It's really quite disheartening, but I'm glad I signed up for the program as it's given me a lot of ideas for new recipes, and lots of help with individual exercises. I suppose I could've got that with a couple of personal training sessions, so I probably would have spent the same amount of money on that. It wasn't a complete waste of my time, but I'm not going to sign up for the next round. I may in the future though, as I like the idea of the Lean and Strong program so once I get closer to goal I may do one round of Lean and Strong, or invest in some personal training sessions.

I've gone back to the gym as the weather has turned to shit and I can't ride my bike any more. Firstly, it's dark so much earlier and I don't have a light. Secondly, I ride on the Eastlink Trail and it's kind of a rapist's heaven (away from roads, along a river bank, surrounded by marshlands). I don't feel safe at night on the trail, and I'm nowhere near strong enough to ride on the roads yet, without endangering both myself and drivers. So I'm back on the elliptical and the treadmill - trying to mix it up so I don't get bored. I'm also making sure I get in a full stretch of my legs after each workout - I'm doing a lot more for cali this year and finding my legs get really stiff if I don't stretch them out.

Cali is awesome. This year I decided to try harder to push myself as I won't be able to keep up much longer if I don't. Last year I spent a lot of time off stage watching the rest of the team, and while I enjoyed the break and less pressure on myself to get things right on the day, I felt a bit useless, like I wasn't pulling my weight. This year I hardly go off stage. It's wonderful! I'm doing things I haven't done in years, and I'm putting the pressure on myself now to 'perform' every time, instead of going through the motions and hoping it'll happen magically on stage. Our coaches know us a lot better this year than they did last year too.. so the work suits us a lot more and we are picking things up much quicker. We're also adapting as a team to their style, which is making us much better performers.

Work is going okay too. Although I'm extremely frustrated most days with our system (it doesn't work as it should, and we don't have the support we need to fix all the kinks), things are slowly getting better. I proposed some changes to my position over 4 months ago to allow me to transition out of management and into a more analytical/support based role. It looks like things are finally falling into place and my dream job may be within reach in the next month or so.

And my beautiful boy and I are moving in together next month. His place is heaps closer to work (he works around the corner from me) and although it's much further away from cali and my family, I'm happy to travel once or twice a week over to the other side of town for cali and to see Mum and Dad if it means my commute reduces to 20-30 minutes from over an hour twice daily. I'll have more time to prepare good meals, spend time on myself at the gym, and most importantly, nurture my relationship with Dave. We're in a really good place right now, and I want things to stay that way! We'll also be able to save money as we're effectively halving our bills if we live together, so we can save for our dream home (and our dream life!). Babies may be happening in the next few years, and I really want to not have to work until all my kids are at school - so I need to make sure I put in the time and effort now so that this is possible. I'm lucky I'm not on a salary - so any overtime or Public Holidays that I work I get paid for. Yay.

Some of my friendships are falling by the wayside with my new life though. Working in the city and living in the suburbs is hard - and when I take the time out for my gym time and Dave as well, it doesn't leave much time to socialise. I feel a bit bad about it, but at the same time I am the one who always initiates contact with most of my friends if I haven't seen them in a while. I'm kind of at the point now where if they don't contact me, I'm kind of thinking that maybe these friendships are a little one-sided, and that I needn't put in the effort if they can't be bothered to. It's sad because I don't have a massive group of friends, and with moving away it's going to be even harder to maintain these connections. I really like where my life is heading though, so I don't regret anything.

And that's my update. I'm leaving this tab open in my browser to remind me that I have a blog, and even if no-one reads it, I should update it more often!!

xx

The Easter Fallout

I'm sure I've mentioned that I'm struggling at the moment... but Easter went pretty well! I didn't eat nearly as much chocolate on the day as I usually would - I made sure that I only ate a couple of small chockies off the heavily laden table for my dessert. Mum had made up a little Easter basket for me seeing as I mentioned that I was trying not to eat too much - and I ate most of it on Monday and the rest yesterday.

Dave made up a big batch of brownies (mmm delicious but oh so much butter and chocolate in them....) and I haven't eaten many of those - in fact I'm taking the rest of them to work tomorrrow so that I'm not tempted to eat the rest on my own. They're pretty tasty but terribly rich so I don't think I could eat too many at once.

I've joined a challenge on MyFitnessPal run by one of my oldest friends on there. It starts on Friday and runs for 11 weeks so I'm hoping I don't get eliminated too early and it gives me a kickstart to finish this job of losing weight. It has all sorts of food-related and exercise-related challenges so isn't only weight focused, but is also fitness focused. I need to get back into enjoying my exercise more often than I enjoy my food!

I weighed in this morning at 108.1kg - about 3kg up on my lowest weight so far. It's a big enough gain to make me stop and think about where I want to be. I don't want to go back to where I was. I want to keep going in the downward direction, and right now I don't really care how long it takes me to get there, I just know that I can't stop trying. This isn't going to be anywhere near as easy as it was at the start, but it's easier than being huge and always worrying if I'll fit somewhere. I've got a couple of things coming up - my birthday is in May and then I have a trip away in July - so I have some small goals to reach by then.

All I can say is... I WILL BE LESS THAN 90KG BY 31 DEC 2012. There is no doubt about that.

Run for the Kids

Today, I did Run for the Kids - a 5.2km fun run to raise money for the Royal Children's Hospital, in Melbourne. The Good Friday Appeal is a telethon that is run in Vic each year on Good Friday to raise money for this hospital, so the entry fees and such go towards the Appeal.

I haven't really had anything to do with the Children's - having never been sick myself, and my brothers were all healthy too. Late last year, my cousin had a beautiful baby girl who was born with a rare condition affecting her chin, and also some other stuff to do with her hips. She's been in and out of the hospital her whole short life, and is thankfully doing really really well.

I didn't even think about it when I signed up, and this morning, after I posted about my success on my Facebook, my cousin commented and thanked me for my support. We just don't think about how little things affect other people...

PS I ran/walked the 5.2km in  45:38 (not the official time... that is released on Tuesday) which I was really proud of. I had a goal of under 45 mins, and probably would have reached that had there been less people to negotiate.

Too long between drinks!

Well, I actually don't know how long it's been since I posted... I forgot to check!! I think we all know why I haven't been posting - because I haven't been having a great time. I don't know why, because my life is friggin awesome right now.

I haven't put on much weight - a couple of kilos - but it swings around between 105-107 depending on the day of the week. I haven't been eating well - I do great all day and then I come home and eat a block of chocolate. Not a bar, but a block. 200g of Cadbury goodness. In the last two weeks I've eaten 6. And I haven't exercised officially in that time. I've done cali on Monday nights - the standard 3 hours - and I really push myself hard for that 3 hours. I've also made a point to practise at least once during the week for about an hour (enough to get the sweat going but mostly to cement the new parts of the routines in my brain).

Cali is amazing. I have recently discovered that I'm actually not that bad at it, it's just been me holding me back all this time. I'm scared to put my head up and really perform because I'm scared of people judging me, looking at me and thinking that I'm an idiot. Well... I've realised that I don't give a shit any more. I really don't. I love this sport, and I won't be able to do it at the level I'm doing it for much longer. I've probably only got two good years left in me (this year and the next) and I really want to enjoy it. The coaches that we have this year have really instilled confidence in me - they're the first to tell me that I am capable of more, and I don't know why I believe them, but I do. I often have to stop myself when I go to tell them I can't do something, because I actually CAN. And sometimes I don't stop myself in time... trying not to fall into those bad habits, but it's hard to change what you've been doing for 20 years.

It kinda sums up my life - I'm trying to change things that I've done for the last ten years, and I often don't catch myself until it's too late.

In a couple of months, my life is going to change HUGELY. I'm moving in with the BF. I've never lived with a partner before (I've actually never considered myself in a serious relationship before so this is a BIG DEAL), so I'm scared but totally excited at the same time. In a food sense, I'm really looking forward to it. I eat shit when I'm alone - not in secret, but alone. Therefore I don't do it with him. I also feel like I should be feeding him properly if I'm cooking - he has quite a physical job so needs a good dinner after a hard day's work. Of course, he eats a lot more than I do, but I can still eat the things I crave and give him larger portions so that I don't eat more than I should. He also plays an online game a couple of nights a week at scheduled times (with a group) so I won't feel guilty at all about going off to the gym. At the moment, if he comes over, I feel like I can't disappear for a few hours because we only spend a couple of nights a week together and I cherish that time together. My gym doesn't have a branch near his place so I don't go when I go over there.

Anyway... today is the last day of March. Tomorrow is the start of a new month, so it's going to mark a fresh start. I really wanted to be under 100kg for my birthday, which is the 10th of May. I don't know if I can do it, but I'm certainly going to give it a red hot go. I'm doing Run for the Kids in the morning - a 5k fun run. I'm not going to commit to anything numbers-wise this time. I'm not promising to exercise every day, or to burn a certain amount each day, or even to set a goal for what I want to lose by my birthday.

My Mum went to see a nutritionist during the week, and discussed me a bit. Apparently, I'm her inspiration, which I find really hard to swallow. I've always looked up to my Mum, and she's been my inspiration. Somehow it's hard for me to accept that I've changed some things about myself, and I keep looking at how far I have to go, rather than how far I've come. I've actually lost almost 30kg, and forget to pat myself on the back sometimes. According to the BMI, I should weigh between 55-70kg. That means I need to lose another  35kg just to get near that range, and another 50kg to be on the lighter side of healthy. I've been looking at those numbers, and it just seems impossible. And according to this nutritionist... it is!! My Mum is a similar height to me. She's of a similar build to me. At the moment, we weigh about the same. This nutritionist believes that the BMI is a bit silly - that for someone with a larger frame and some muscle tone, it's not realistic. She thinks we should aim for roughly 90kg, and focus on eating well and exercising regularly, then see what happens. It's such a breath of fresh air for a health professional to be so honest, and not focus on numbers, but on what is real in our world today. We have stress. We have work. We have family. I don't want to be so strict all the time, and not have fun. I like going out for dinner with friends. I like going for work drinks on a Friday night. I like going for a ride on a Sunday afternoon. I think I even like going for a run sometimes. I like coming home from work and doing nothing except cook dinner and go to bed. I don't want to exercise because I feel like I have to, I want to exercise because I want to.

The last two weeks have been pretty hectic with work - I've been putting in extra hours because we're behind and no-one else seems to give a toss about it. I get home and fall asleep pretty much straight away, and I feel like that's what I need to do right now to stay sane. Let my body rest and recover. If it means my weight loss slows down for a short while, I can live with that.

Mayor of Struggletown

That's right, I'm the Mayor of Struggletown.

This morning is the perfect example, but if I'm honest, it's been happening for about 2 weeks. Last night, I had a friend's engagement party. I caught the bus there as I knew I'd be drinking, and I really drank. I didn't partake in any party food, which was pretty good, but I HAD eaten M&Ms for brunch, so I really shouldn't have eaten anyway. Had the obligartory cheeseburger on the way home (lovely taxi driver!!) and my night was complete.

I woke up this morning and I feel awful. So much sugar (Malibu and Coke is my drink) and quite dehydrated from the alcohol, so I have a headache and my mouth feels all fuzzy. My throat is sore from being around smokers all night, and from yelling with the loud music. My ears are still ringing. I'm too old for this!!

But getting back to Struggletown, I'm really struggling with sticking to the program. I haven't been to the gym at all this week. I babysat one night, had dinner with a friend, had dinner with another group, and then Friday night came and I just couldn't be bothered on Friday night. I did my fitness test on Thursday night which took me about 20 minutes. I had calisthenics on Monday night, where I usually burn around 900 calories. I haven't done any other exercise this week though, and I've gone over my calories every day.

I don't want to quit before I'm finished, but I need to get my head around the fact that this behaviour isn't right. It won't give me the results I need and want, and I will actually go backwards if I continue like this. I need to stick to my calories, and make a real effort to go to the gym and burn my 500 every day. No excuses.

It's all well and good for me to say that I want it, but I need to start proving to myself that I want it. I need to do a big cookup (tonight's job) and make the effort to fuel my body with what it needs. I then need to burn that fuel in fun ways - after all, the whole point is to use my body in ways that make it sing. I think I might even whack on my HRM while I'm practising calisthenics at home - I get so excited that my heart rate goes up and I just feel amazing while I'm doing it.

I want to enhance my performance this year - make it less about doing what I've been taught, and more about actually 'performing'. I've realised in the last few years that I genuinely love calisthenics, and I really need to start showing the world (or the 3 people that watch it at least...lol) how much I really love it. There's a little fire in my heart when I'm on stage, and even when I'm practising. I need that fire to shine through so that I truly glow. I need to open myself up and let people see that fire - even if I risk getting some criticism.. or even worse.. some praise!!