Too long between drinks!

Well, I actually don't know how long it's been since I posted... I forgot to check!! I think we all know why I haven't been posting - because I haven't been having a great time. I don't know why, because my life is friggin awesome right now.

I haven't put on much weight - a couple of kilos - but it swings around between 105-107 depending on the day of the week. I haven't been eating well - I do great all day and then I come home and eat a block of chocolate. Not a bar, but a block. 200g of Cadbury goodness. In the last two weeks I've eaten 6. And I haven't exercised officially in that time. I've done cali on Monday nights - the standard 3 hours - and I really push myself hard for that 3 hours. I've also made a point to practise at least once during the week for about an hour (enough to get the sweat going but mostly to cement the new parts of the routines in my brain).

Cali is amazing. I have recently discovered that I'm actually not that bad at it, it's just been me holding me back all this time. I'm scared to put my head up and really perform because I'm scared of people judging me, looking at me and thinking that I'm an idiot. Well... I've realised that I don't give a shit any more. I really don't. I love this sport, and I won't be able to do it at the level I'm doing it for much longer. I've probably only got two good years left in me (this year and the next) and I really want to enjoy it. The coaches that we have this year have really instilled confidence in me - they're the first to tell me that I am capable of more, and I don't know why I believe them, but I do. I often have to stop myself when I go to tell them I can't do something, because I actually CAN. And sometimes I don't stop myself in time... trying not to fall into those bad habits, but it's hard to change what you've been doing for 20 years.

It kinda sums up my life - I'm trying to change things that I've done for the last ten years, and I often don't catch myself until it's too late.

In a couple of months, my life is going to change HUGELY. I'm moving in with the BF. I've never lived with a partner before (I've actually never considered myself in a serious relationship before so this is a BIG DEAL), so I'm scared but totally excited at the same time. In a food sense, I'm really looking forward to it. I eat shit when I'm alone - not in secret, but alone. Therefore I don't do it with him. I also feel like I should be feeding him properly if I'm cooking - he has quite a physical job so needs a good dinner after a hard day's work. Of course, he eats a lot more than I do, but I can still eat the things I crave and give him larger portions so that I don't eat more than I should. He also plays an online game a couple of nights a week at scheduled times (with a group) so I won't feel guilty at all about going off to the gym. At the moment, if he comes over, I feel like I can't disappear for a few hours because we only spend a couple of nights a week together and I cherish that time together. My gym doesn't have a branch near his place so I don't go when I go over there.

Anyway... today is the last day of March. Tomorrow is the start of a new month, so it's going to mark a fresh start. I really wanted to be under 100kg for my birthday, which is the 10th of May. I don't know if I can do it, but I'm certainly going to give it a red hot go. I'm doing Run for the Kids in the morning - a 5k fun run. I'm not going to commit to anything numbers-wise this time. I'm not promising to exercise every day, or to burn a certain amount each day, or even to set a goal for what I want to lose by my birthday.

My Mum went to see a nutritionist during the week, and discussed me a bit. Apparently, I'm her inspiration, which I find really hard to swallow. I've always looked up to my Mum, and she's been my inspiration. Somehow it's hard for me to accept that I've changed some things about myself, and I keep looking at how far I have to go, rather than how far I've come. I've actually lost almost 30kg, and forget to pat myself on the back sometimes. According to the BMI, I should weigh between 55-70kg. That means I need to lose another  35kg just to get near that range, and another 50kg to be on the lighter side of healthy. I've been looking at those numbers, and it just seems impossible. And according to this nutritionist... it is!! My Mum is a similar height to me. She's of a similar build to me. At the moment, we weigh about the same. This nutritionist believes that the BMI is a bit silly - that for someone with a larger frame and some muscle tone, it's not realistic. She thinks we should aim for roughly 90kg, and focus on eating well and exercising regularly, then see what happens. It's such a breath of fresh air for a health professional to be so honest, and not focus on numbers, but on what is real in our world today. We have stress. We have work. We have family. I don't want to be so strict all the time, and not have fun. I like going out for dinner with friends. I like going for work drinks on a Friday night. I like going for a ride on a Sunday afternoon. I think I even like going for a run sometimes. I like coming home from work and doing nothing except cook dinner and go to bed. I don't want to exercise because I feel like I have to, I want to exercise because I want to.

The last two weeks have been pretty hectic with work - I've been putting in extra hours because we're behind and no-one else seems to give a toss about it. I get home and fall asleep pretty much straight away, and I feel like that's what I need to do right now to stay sane. Let my body rest and recover. If it means my weight loss slows down for a short while, I can live with that.

Mayor of Struggletown

That's right, I'm the Mayor of Struggletown.

This morning is the perfect example, but if I'm honest, it's been happening for about 2 weeks. Last night, I had a friend's engagement party. I caught the bus there as I knew I'd be drinking, and I really drank. I didn't partake in any party food, which was pretty good, but I HAD eaten M&Ms for brunch, so I really shouldn't have eaten anyway. Had the obligartory cheeseburger on the way home (lovely taxi driver!!) and my night was complete.

I woke up this morning and I feel awful. So much sugar (Malibu and Coke is my drink) and quite dehydrated from the alcohol, so I have a headache and my mouth feels all fuzzy. My throat is sore from being around smokers all night, and from yelling with the loud music. My ears are still ringing. I'm too old for this!!

But getting back to Struggletown, I'm really struggling with sticking to the program. I haven't been to the gym at all this week. I babysat one night, had dinner with a friend, had dinner with another group, and then Friday night came and I just couldn't be bothered on Friday night. I did my fitness test on Thursday night which took me about 20 minutes. I had calisthenics on Monday night, where I usually burn around 900 calories. I haven't done any other exercise this week though, and I've gone over my calories every day.

I don't want to quit before I'm finished, but I need to get my head around the fact that this behaviour isn't right. It won't give me the results I need and want, and I will actually go backwards if I continue like this. I need to stick to my calories, and make a real effort to go to the gym and burn my 500 every day. No excuses.

It's all well and good for me to say that I want it, but I need to start proving to myself that I want it. I need to do a big cookup (tonight's job) and make the effort to fuel my body with what it needs. I then need to burn that fuel in fun ways - after all, the whole point is to use my body in ways that make it sing. I think I might even whack on my HRM while I'm practising calisthenics at home - I get so excited that my heart rate goes up and I just feel amazing while I'm doing it.

I want to enhance my performance this year - make it less about doing what I've been taught, and more about actually 'performing'. I've realised in the last few years that I genuinely love calisthenics, and I really need to start showing the world (or the 3 people that watch it at least...lol) how much I really love it. There's a little fire in my heart when I'm on stage, and even when I'm practising. I need that fire to shine through so that I truly glow. I need to open myself up and let people see that fire - even if I risk getting some criticism.. or even worse.. some praise!!

Riding the wave of emotion.

I just listened to/watched the video that Michelle put up for this week, and it was all about our emotions. How emotions come in waves, and we just need to ride them. We don't need chocolate - at least the chocolate won't fix the emotion, it just dulls it for a while. The emotion is still there, and we need to accept that we're feeling it and let it happen.

As I was riding today, I kinda had a lightbulb moment. I'm so so close to my halfway goal, and I just can't get there. For the last couple of weeks, I've really been my own worst enemy in not training hard, and not eating properly. I could've made that goal two weeks ago, but instead, I've been letting my emotions take over and giving in to cravings. Michelle just said that we're not allowed to call it being 'bad' or 'naughty' because that implies that we should feel bad or naughty because of it. I knew exactly what I was doing when I didn't train, or when I was putting that calorie-dense food in my mouth. I knew that I wasn't making the best decision, and I still do it.

Anyhoo, back to my lightbulb... there are some parts of the trail that I was doing that are cruisy, and other parts that I don't like, that challenge me, that force me to tell myself that I can do it, that make me want to turn around and do the easy bits again. My weight loss is the same. Some days it's really easy. Other days, I just convince myself that I can't do it, so I give up a little bit. It's always two steps forward, one step back, and it's always my negative self-talk that does it. I KNOW that I'm capable. I KNOW that I can do it. I KNOW because I've done it for 27 kilos, and I'm going to do it for 36 kilos more.

I did the same 23km stretch 3 times today. The first time around, I remembered how it was yesterday. The second time around, I thought about how good it felt the first time. The third time, I was quite tired. My muscles were fatigued, I knew that I was capable of going up the big hills (I'd just done it twice, clearly it was physically possible). I had to convince myself more than once that I would do it, that I could do it, and that I deserved to do it. It was halfway around the third lap when I decided on my final reward tattoo - the one I'll get when I reach my goal weight.

So, ladies and gents, when I am 70kg, I will get a tattoo down my left side that says 'Because I'm Worth It'. I know it's a cliche. I know that someone uses it in their commercials. But I need to remind myself every time I look at myself naked that I AM WORTH IT. No matter what happens in my life, I need that reminder.

What to do when you've eaten a giant share bag of Maltesers in one night..

Malteser night was Thursday. Bad.

So yesterday, I rode 23km with a friend. And this morning, I rode the same route 3 times, for a total of 69.3km.

Almost 3000 cals burned, which definitely cancels out the 1000 calories of Malteser that passed these lips a mere 48 hours ago. That was bloody hard work, and I wonder why I eat friggin Maltesers and have to waste my time burning them off...

Lesson learned: next time, buy a smaller bag of Maltesers and the ride needn't be so long.