Is it goodbye?

I just watched the last 12WBT mindset video for the round. It's been a rough 12 weeks, but boy have I learnt some shit about ME. So is it goodbye? Am I going to say goodbye to Michelle Bridges?

Oh God, I don't know! I'm so torn. I don't need it for the food and recipes - I've already committed to LnE until I hit 90kg. I don't need it for the exercise plan - I've saved 2 rounds worth now on my PC (it's allowed, as long as I don't share it with anyone... I checked...) and have also made sure I can access them from my phone. But I don't think I'm ready to let go... *insert sad face and puppy dog eyes here*

I need the support. I need the videos. I need the accountability. I have done a few 12 week challenges on MFP (My Fitness Pal) where we checked in every day and had teams and challenges and support. But I always drop out... there's something about Michelle being a 'real person', and me believing that she actually WANTS people on her program to succeed, to thrive, to change their lives.

And there's also the fact that over 3 rounds, I may have strayed in the middle, but I've come back and finished strong. I said goodbye after the first round, decided that it didn't work for me, and went on my merry way. Suddenly, one day, I had a lightbulb moment. It didn't work because I didn't try. I made excuses, I strayed from the program, and I payed the price. After 8 months on my own, I came back and did two rounds consecutively. I have had more success in my head than on the scale, but over the last 24 weeks I have exercised with purpose on more than half of the days. That is a record!

I have changed my mindset dramatically. I still have a long way to go, which is probably why I'm not ready to let go just yet. I now think about exercise almost as much as I think about food. I now think about exercise as a way to make my body stronger, to change the way it looks, rather than just slogging it out on a treadmill to 'lose weight'. This is a bold statement, but I would be happy to see the same number on the scale in 12 months time if I knew it was made up of strong muscle, and not as much fat. My percentage of body fat is still around 50%, which is exactly where it was at 134.7kg, but now weighing in (last Wednesday) at 109.7kg, I'm a lot happier having 55kg of fat than 70kg of fat WEIGHING ME DOWN.

I've had a 4 day weekend, and I've sat on my arse for a lot of that time, watching TV and sewing some stuff for cali. Where my mindset differs now from the past, is that each day I got up off that butt and EXERCISED. I walked, I ran, I strolled. I went to the shopping centre (I actually shopped!), but instead of just going to the shops I needed to go to, I did a circuit of the centre in between each shop. I wanted to get my nails done, so I walked the 2km to the nail salon and then home again. I noticed it was sunny outside, so I put my shoes on and got out there for a walk/jog/run. I watched Les Mis and walked on the spot each time there was a song (It's a musical.... there wasn't much sitting on the couch!!).

I'm not perfect, I bought a tub of icecream and ate the whole thing - 1000 calories of Ben & Jerry's was delicious. We had pizza last night for dinner, and I ate more than I should have. Both of those splurges were covered by my exercise this weekend, so I think I broke even. Months ago though, the 750ml tub of Ben & Jerrys would have been a 1L tub of something, a bag of Maltesers, a big bag of chips, a block of chocolate, a packet of biscuits and a bag of lollies (because we know we need to have salty, sweet, crunchy, chewy and cold to have a PROPER binge). The pizza would NOT have been a family pizza shared between the two of us with leftovers and sore tummies, it would have been a large pizza each, a garlic bread and a big bottle of Coke. I wouldn't have chosen cold water over soft drink when I woke up in the morning.

I'm so scared that I can so easily fall back into those habits... so I think I still need Michelle by my side, in my head, in my ears, in my inbox. The next round starts in two weeks, but I'm pretty sure my $200 will be going in Mish's pocket sometime this week. So, no, I don't think it is goodbye, unless I'm referring to my old habits...

Weigh In Wednesday.

Today has been a mixed bag for me. I weighed in at 109.7kg, which made me OVER THE MOON EXCITED. I have not weighed under 110kg since September 2012 (7 months), so I was very excited to see that number.

This week I have been so conscious of my eating - sticking to LnE meals 6 days out of the 7 and not going too crazy on Saturday. I haven't been to the gym AT ALL, which proves to me that this really is 80% food. 2.4kg gone in a week is ridiculous without exercise, yet I have done it. Chugging water has to have helped.

So what did I do today? Well, let me just tell you, I feel gross. I feel sluggish, and very full. I had planned today's lunch to be out - I bargained with myself 1 lunch a month (on payday!) and that was today. I had a chicken and rice dish from the cafe, which was probably 1.5x the size of a LnE lunch. I shouldn't have eaten it all, but I did. Then, as a treat, I also had a piece of caramel slice. I savoured it all afternoon at my desk, and felt a little sick, probably because of all of the sugar which I haven't eaten in a week or so.

Then, to top it all off, I snuck into the milk bar after work (before picking up Dave) and bought a chocolate muffin. And I ate it. Gosh, I feel so sick. I don't even know why I did it. Well, I kind of do. See, today felt like a 'free day', and I took that and ran with it. It seems I cannot be trusted. I knew walking in to that milk bar what I would buy. I knew opening the packet that I wasn't hungry. I knew while eating it that it was making me feel sick. But I insisted on eating the whole 700 calories worth. After having eaten a much bigger lunch than usual, and having a sickly sweet slice during the afternoon.

And then I ate dinner. Because you have to eat dinner. WTF?

Time to re-group. Looking at my calendar for the next few weeks, I've got a couple of 'special' days coming up. I've marked the meals that I won't be following LnE on (my birthday party, Dad's birthday dinner) and there will be no straying from that. I also have the next four days off work so will be spending some quality time in the gym working off the extra 1000 calories (maybe more!) that I ate today. I will be blocking out time to strength train for May in the morning, going through my calendar and scheduling non-negotiable time in. I'll also be looking at my goals from the 12WBT and seeing where I am with those and setting new ones.

My cousin suggested the Colour Run towards the end of the year, so running 5km comfortably will be one of my goals, but I really need to set some strength and fitness goals not related to weight loss. I need the focus away from the number on the scale, and geared towards achievements that can be celebrated. Weight loss will come from good nutrition and sticking to the plan.

Today is a milestone for me, because I KNOW that I will not do it again tomorrow. My food is already organised for tomorrow and Friday, and the order has already been placed for LnE for next week. It will be delivered Friday. I have organised a dinner with a friend next week, but we've already decided that I'm bringing my LnE and she'll get a Weight Watchers frozen meal and we'll eat at her place.

I've got two episodes of The Biggest Loser waiting for me to watch in the morning, and that will re-energise me for the long weekend.

I will resist the urge to weigh in tomorrow to see the damage, and will hold off until next Wednesday (my normal weigh in day) to see what has happened. I now have six days to get sorted again!

Seriously so stoked about today's weigh in, but disappointed in myself for ignoring logic and giving in to my inner teenager. Hopefully I'll learn a lesson from today - I know my tummy isn't happy right now!!

Stick to the program!

Well, kinda... haha

Friday, I was the Lite N Easy Poster Girl. I was all over that shit. I was so proud of myself when my friend mentioned she needed to buy her lunch, and I didn't cave. I was already proud of myself because we had to go to the cafe at morning break to get cigarettes (not me! I'm not a filthy smoker!) and I resisted the delicious warm tasty muffins. That was two temptations resisted in three hours. Woohoo! Go team!

Today (Sunday) was also a Poster Girl day. I ate only LnE, and I ate only what was on today's menu - which is a challenge sometimes when there are tasty snacks later in the week that I just want to eat NOW.

Haha, this is where Saturday comes in. Totally NOT Poster Girl day. TGI Friday's for lunch.

Yeah, that's potato, fried, and covered in cheese. Everything is better when it's fried, and covered in cheese. I proceeded to the Mulgrave Country Club for dinner. I chose the Grilled Mushroom Burger, just so I could have Lemon Tart for dessert. I did leave the chips, but should have probably left the giant Turkish Pide roll as well. We live and learn.

Mental Health Days ROCK!

This morning, while driving to work, I had a thought. I didn't really want to be at work today. So I dropped Dave off, turned the car around, and went straight back home. I did text my boss and said I wasn't well and therefore wasn't coming in.

So what did I do on my day off?

I watched all of the videos for the 12WBT Round 1. I wrote notes. I thought about what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and how I might continue.

It was the best day, and a day I've needed for about two weeks. I've been lost. I'm still a little bit lost, but it was a good day. I'm VERY proud of the fact that I stuck to my Lite N Easy for the day - didn't pop out to KFC or Maccas just because I was having a lazy day. No donuts from Donut King. No chocolate, no chips, no tubs of icecream. Just me, with my thoughts, thinking about all my old habits and how they've crept back in. How I've been sabotaging myself the last few weeks, even with my bursts of enthusiasm. How my excuses have been holding me back.

What needs to change for me to continue and be successful, rather than continue and be stagnant? Surprisingly, not a lot. Food, to me, is not fuel. It is connected strongly to my emotions, to memories, to my sense of self. Changing my mindset to the 'food is fuel' thinking would be beneficial, but it won't work. I love food for what it is. I look forward to sitting down to a plate or bowl of something yummy, sharing with friends and family, making food the feature in my day. I'm always thinking about what I'm going to be eating next. Food is constantly on my mind.

Over the last 12 months or so, I've learned that my behaviour towards food is sometimes unhealthy. Mostly unhealthy, actually. I'm constantly fulfilling my every desire, thinking about the decadence that I can consume next, and always to excess. I'm giving in to my memory's every whim, indulging in foods that should be 'sometimes' foods, all the time. How can I turn this around?

I still want to enjoy food. I still want to look forward to each meal. I still want to share with friends and family, and make it a feature in my day. I still want to enjoy 'sometimes' foods, only now they will actually BE 'sometimes' foods. Over the last few weeks, chocolate has featured heavily in my diet. Apart from chocolate, I've stuck quite well to Lite N Easy. But 80% is not good enough. It needs to be 99%. Not 100% (not perfect!) as I'm human after all, but 99%.

This week, I've got a pretty full Saturday (lunch with a friend, dinner with family), so I've only ordered the 5 day plan from LnE. This gives me the freedom to eat (or indulge in!) the best choices from the two places I'm going to on Saturday. It also gives me another day during the week where I can (almost) be a bit more free. I do have leftover frozen foods that I haven't eaten that will make up a day's worth of food, and depending on how I eat on Saturday, I probably will stick to that. I think if I order a 5 day plan once every 3-4 weeks, I'll not feel restricted to the point of rebelling and self-sabotaging. I'll have a day where I can indulge in a craving, a day that I can project forward to when I'm struggling. If I really want something, I'll tell myself to wait until that day. It's not saying 'I'll never eat ____ again', but instead 'If the feeling doesn't pass, I can have ____ another day'. After all, even after I've eaten ____ I still want it again the next day. Why not put it off a little longer?

A plan. That's what I've been missing. A plan for when THE PLAN isn't clear to me, is clouded by other things. Not always shutting those inner teenagers up with giving them exactly what they want, but giving them an option that it might happen 'one day'. I don't think it should be once a week, or even once a fortnight. And not always the same day of the week. I don't want to fall into the trap of throwing everything out the window just because on Thursdays I can eat whatever I like and undo all the work from the rest of the week.

It also means that I don't lose my social life. I CAN go out for dinner. I CAN have a piece of cake or a hot chocolate. I just can't do it every day. Or every second day. Or even once a week. Just 'sometimes'.

So while it may sound like a fair bit, it's really not! It also means, if I stick to my food plan, any exercise is just a bonus. I should be losing weight without exercise, as my recent efforts have just been to work off the indulgences. I need to set some goals regarding fitness, but I think I've done enough for the day. I've put aside some time on ANZAC DAY, next Thursday (even set a reminder in my calendar) to set some fitness goals.

It's amazing what a Mental Health Day can do for you.

Sometimes I wonder...

... what the hell is going through my head!

I've really been battling the chocolate demon this week. We have fundraiser chockies for Cali, and I volunteered to sell an extra box (above my two that I already sold) to finish off the fundraiser. I'm pretty sure I've eaten 35 of them in the last 4 days. I just can't stop. Well, I don't really have a choice now, because they're all gone, but the thought of me eating 35 chocolate bars in 4 days sickens me.

I did it though. Go me!

Seriously.... what am I thinking? Why am I doing this? Do I really want this? Do I really want to lose weight?

The answer is yes. And no. I want it, but I don't want it badly enough to do it right, and do it now. That realisation makes me angry and upset. I'm glad I've acknowledged it. I'm not proud of what I've eaten over the last few days, but there are a few things that I can take away from the experience.

- I feel really sick after eating 10 giant or twin freddos in one go.
- Each time I ate one, I actually thought to myself 'I'm not even hungry, why am I doing this?'. I know what I'm doing, I'm asking myself the right questions, but I'm not giving myself the right answers.
- I have been to gym more. And sweated shitloads.

I've caught up on all the episodes of the Biggest Loser, and realised that when I exercise, I don't REALLY sweat. It makes me wonder why I'm bothering, if I'm not giving it my all. Watching their faces in the weigh-in when they realise that they really haven't put in 100% that week, makes me stop and think about my own 'journey'. I eat shit, I don't train well.... it's surprising I've even maintained my weight over the last year, let alone lost a couple of kilos.

I know I've said this before, but this has to stop. The training needs to be more intense, and the food needs to be stuck to. Lite N Easy provide me with everything I need for a day's eating (and nice eating, at that!). I'm hardly hungry. I don't NEED anything else. I am training using a new outlook. Instead of trying to spend 60 minutes on the treadmill or elliptical, I'm going HARD for as long as I can. Tonight, it was 10 minutes. 10 minutes of 30 seconds as fast as possible, 30 seconds of moderate, repeated for as long as I could. I wanted to vomit, so I stopped. I covered 2km in 10 minutes tonight, and that is PROOF that I haven't been doing as much as I should have been. On Sunday night, I did the same on the treadmill, except I did 1 minute running, and 30 seconds to a minute of walking to catch my breath. I lasted 16 minutes and did 2km also.

I'm also focusing on strength training. Both workouts (Sunday and today) were about 60 minutes, with the first 10-15 cardio, the next 30-40 weights (both free weights and machines), and 10 minutes of stretching. I've sweated more in the last two workouts than I think I have all year. I think I'd rather work out like that than spend hours on a treadmill. The time definitely passes more quickly, and I'm so so sore afterwards.Not to the point of constant pain, but there is discomfort there most of the day. It's good pain, though. I actually feel like I'm changing my body again.

Isn't that the point?

Shit! Has it really been 9 days?

It has! What a loser! I can't believe I haven't posted in over a week!

It's been a cracker week - I've put on weight, I've laughed HEAPS, I've loved, I've lost weight, and I've been lazy.

I stupidly bought some Easter Eggs at the supermarket which led to me eating 750gm of chocolate I didn't need. It also gave me an unwanted 1.5kg on the scale on Wednesday's weigh-in, which was a great wake-up call. I can't eat that much chocolate, and expect to lose weight. It just can't happen. I also may have had a 4-pack of cheese and bacon rolls from Coles that contributed. Dave lost 2kg this week, which proves to me that when you stick to the plan, you succeed. I'm taking that on board for the future, and owning my choices - by putting crap in my body, I'm going to get a crap result. As long as I'm willing to accept that, at least I'm not lying to myself! I'm also pretty proud of the fact that I have logged EVERY mouthful of the shit that I have been eating.

We went to the Comedy Festival last night - the Melbourne International Comedy Festival is one of the biggest in the world. We saw Kitty Flanagan - far out she was funny!! I recommend seeing as many shows as you can for the next two weeks while it's still on - I'm going to try to get tickets to something next Friday night, but I can't decide who to see!

I love being in love. It's so comforting to know that I'm not alone in all of this crap that I call life. I've got a partner, a best friend to share it all with. And that's all I'll say about that. :)

After realising that I'd messed up with the chocolate, I've taken an extra interest in water for the last two days, drinking over 2 litres and managing to lose 700g of the 1.5kg I put on. It works - not as well as not eating shit in the first place, but hey, I'm only human!

And I haven't been to the gym this week. I'm sure I'll be motivated to do it at some point, but right now, I'm not pushing it because I don't want to hate it and quit completely. At $43 a month, my membership isn't being wasted by me hanging on to it - if I was to quit and sign up again, I'd be up for $60 at least. I'd rather waste $43 a month than quit!!

Anyhoo, that's all for now. Plus my Lite N Easy Chicken Enchilada is totally ready and I really want to eat it!!!

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!

Nearly two weeks on Lite N Easy and I'm down almost 3kgs. That's pretty exciting for me, given my past year of seeing the scale go up or stay the same, rather than go down. I'm not doing more exercise, I'm just eating a lot better - both the foods that I'm eating and the portion sizes of those foods.

Why I like Lite N Easy:
- I don't think.
- I don't get tempted by supermarket specials, shiny packets, new things to try.
- Variety. I might have 3 muffins in a week, but they are not the same flavour. I might have 3 salads in a week, but they're not the same ingredients. It's really hard to get bored.
- Dave is on board with it. He doesn't feel deprived, so I don't feel I'm depriving him, or that he's losing out because I'm being selfish. I also can't use him as an excuse to eat poorly.
- Options. 7 days. 5 days. Just dinner. Just breakfast and lunch. Whatever.

Why I don't like Lite N Easy:
- For the next xxx weeks/months, I won't be thinking. Which is fine while we're doing it, but harder when we 'quit'.
- I'm fussy. There are a lot of things I don't like and I'm finding out by logging my food on MFP that I'm eating around 1200 calories a day from the 1500 calorie plan. Some days are easier than others, but on the whole I'm not eating what I'm meant to. This means that every couple of weeks I'll order the larger calorie plan so there are some more snack options to spread throughout the next few weeks on days where I fall way short of the calorie expectation.
- There's no chocolate! Bahaha

I didn't want Dave to think I was pushing him into this, but he has really taken to it. It's opened up a couple of conversations that I haven't wanted to push him into, but am glad we're having. Talking about weight is a touchy subject with me, so I don't like to make other people uncomfortable by talking about their weight, but it's a conversation we needed to have, and will need to have regularly. We've both set weight goals and have discussed staying on Lite N Easy until we get there.

We also discussed 'off days' which we had on Saturday. After a week of much smaller than usual portion sizes and a small salad for lunch, both of us were quite hungry. We made the decision to go out for dinner, no holds barred. We went to Lazy Moe's which is well renowned for ridiculously huge portion sizes and both had a meal and shared the dessert. It was delicious, we were both stuffed to the gills and felt a little ill afterwards. We will need to do this every couple of weeks in order to stay on track. We can't stick to the plan every single day, but we need to stick to it most days.

I can handle that!