Merry Christmas to all!!

It's Christmas morning!! Was Santa good to you? He bought us new socks, which, while not as thrilling as a new TV or bike, is exactly what we need. We don't have to be anywhere today, having chosen not to see either of our families rather than choosing one over the other like we have for the last few years. We're off to lunch in a bit, booked a table at the local bistro for their Christmas lunch. I wanted to do SOMETHING today to make it a bit special, and this sounded like a nice option.

We had dinner with Dave's parents and sister the other night - his sister has been in Africa on mission for the last two years so we hadn't seen her at all. She's come home to raise some money to fund her stay for the next three years, as well as to attend our wedding. My brother has also come home after 2.5 years away in the UK and Canada, and we had dinner with him the night before that. It's lovely to catch up with family who we haven't seen for ages and have it be normal. I made sure that Craig (my brother) met Dave before he left, even though we'd only been together for two weeks I just knew they had to meet. It sounds silly, but I wanted the approval of my 3 brothers as well as my parents for the man I was going to spend my life with. They've all been so protective of me and my heart for my entire life, and it means a lot to me that they 'approve' of Dave.

It's less than a week to the big day, and I'm a combination of excited, stressed, nervous, happy... I'm sure these are all feelings that every bride goes through. It's not the getting married that's stressful, it's all the little details that no-one thinks about or cares about and don't really matter, but do really matter.... ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!

And now it's 3 hours later and the lunch has been had. It was a delicious, 4 course lunch with everything a girl could ask for. I'm sure I've put on two kilos just from that lunch, and the 5 minute walk each way to the pub will have done nothing to counteract any of it. It's been two weeks since I last blogged, and the scale has gone in the wrong direction since then. I've been having a wonderful time eating whatever I want, whenever I want, pretending that I can do that every day. I've been exercising hard each day, flogging myself just to get rid of the excess calories that I mindlessly consume. If only I didn't mindlessly eat, the hard hours in the gym would be getting rid of the actual fat in my body, instead of the sugar rushing around my veins.

When will I wake up? When will it click?

What a f*cken week!

I had my dress alteration appointment on Saturday, and ended up leaving in tears. Not the best start to the day... My Mum was so concerned that I was upset that it doesn't fit that she made such a big deal about it and got all the people in the place involved and I ended up bawling my eyes out and screaming that I didn't care who fucked it up, I just wanted it fixed. Bridezilla?

The truth is, I wasn't actually upset that it didn't fit. There was a plan to fix it, and to be honest I'm used to being let down because I'm too fat for something to fit - it's the story of my life. I ended up so upset because Mum just wouldn't let it go. I think she was upset that her little girl wasn't having the dream experience that a wedding dress should be and she was fighting and making such a big deal over it because it shouldn't be that way. It's true, it shouldn't, but in the end, there's nothing that can be done except to try to fix it and move on.

And move on, I did! The work Xmas party came next, later that night, and I was having a blast. A few champagnes, lots of chats with people I knew, should know, or will never speak to again unless we're drunk and it's late November 2014... then my friend comes storming in from outside, drags me out, and starts bawling her eyes out that I've betrayed her trust and am a horrible person.

She told me something a few months ago, and apparently hasn't told anyone else from work, but now people know and say I've told them. I don't remember telling anyone, but it apparently happened on our 'team bonding' night. I was drunk then, but never have blank spots when I drink, so usually remember this stuff. We spent two hours freezing our butts off in the gutter (while I held her hair and rubbed her back while she vomited, and listened to her bitch about me through her tears to her fwb over the phone) before Dave arrived to take us home, she stayed at our place, we looked after her because she was in a BAD way... Anyway, she doesn't believe me that I didn't blab, and now, five days later after being treated like a leper and being whispered about behind my back, I'm doubting myself. I've spoken to one other person about all of this, and without disclosing the information, this person confirmed that they knew about it and was sure they'd heard it from her. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but I feel like absolute ass for something I'm 99% sure I didn't do. And quite frankly, I don't know if I want to resolve this with her. We were meant to be best friends, and we were also meant to be adults. This is all childish bullshit and I've had enough.

After Monday's tenseness, I resolved to stop letting other people dictate how I feel. My Mum, first of all (though she always has the best intentions) made me feel like shit for nothing. My supposed best friend made me feel like shit, ruined my night, and is now treating me like an insect that is bothering her on a warm day. This is MY life, and I will control how I feel.

I'm making sure I pack gym clothes so that I can exercise in the two spare hours I have on the days Dave and I travel to work together. I've done it 3 out of 4 days this week - and the day I didn't was a day where I worked from 7-3, travelled until 5, taught cali til 830, travelled for another hour, and crawled into bed. I've also started a 30 day challenge today involving squats, situps, crunches, pushups, and planks. I progressively do more each day.

I'm making sure I eat what is given to me on LnE, and have a small amount of chocolate if I want to, and ONLY if I've been to the gym that day and have the calories to spare. I'm not going to get hung up on numbers, but I am determined to make a real go of this for the next few weeks until we head off on our honeymoon - Lord knows I'll not be holding back on the food while overseas :) but I also plan to be very active while away.

It's time to start afresh.

The only good news that I have, is that I finally put new batteries in my scale which bought back the body fat % function. When I first got the scale a couple of years ago, my body fat was around 50%, and it didn't move much all throughout my 25kg weight loss. I haven't had a tool to measure it for about 15 months - but now it's down to 44%. So that's a major positive, and a boost to my self esteem to know that while the total body weight hasn't gone down much over the last 12 months, the fat % HAS. My body is changing, and it's all my hard work. Considering I've been slack of late, I can only imagine what might happen if I actually try. It was enough to motivate me to hit the weights room at the gym this afternoon. I've slacked off the weights because they don't give such striking immediate results ie sweat and calories burned, but I know it'll be better in the long run.

That's my life right now. Tell me a story to make me feel like I'm not the only one who's life isn't perfect?

Henny Things :)

This weekend was my hen's party. I had a ball, doing exactly what I wanted. It didn't involve strippers or a wild night out. It did, however, involve frilly undies, 'The Little Mermaid' and a lovely dinner out with family and friends.

The Little Mermaid isn't anything like I remembered - the last time I watched it I was 8 years old, it was my birthday party, and it was my first sleepover. I remember crying when Ariel got her voice back and got her prince. I don't remember all the scary stuff though... that movie is SCARY!! Ursula is horrible, there are storms galore, Triton destroys Ariel's room of treasures, and then everyone shrivels up and gets turned into worms. How did I LOVE this movie at 8 years old? It makes me think about how we remember things. We choose to remember things the way we want to, and forget all the stuff that makes us uncomfortable.

My life is a little bit like that. I remember the way I feel when I eat certain foods. I choose to forget the way it affects my body, both in the immediate and in the future. Uncomfortable moments in the toilet are forgotten. Jeans too tight are a distant memory. Constantly being disappointed when I have to buy bigger clothes and pretending that it's the manufacturers who are making the clothes smaller, not me who is getting bigger.

I'm so sick of the up and down of this 'journey'. It's not a journey, it's just life. I wish I could be more consistent, instead of all or nothing, but I'm not. I'm either starving or binging. I'm not ever just 'sensible'. I saw a girl today who I haven't seen for a few months. She hurt her hip and was bigger than me due to lack of movement. She's been in and out of hospital all year having operations and rehab and all of that crap, yet she stood in front of me looking absolutely stunning. She's lost a crapload of weight in the last few months, and I am so jealous.

I then had my hair trial this afternoon, and my hairdresser is also her hairdresser. I mentioned the transformation, and she just laughed and shook her head. 'You know how she did it, don't you?' she asked. 'No! Tell me the secret!' I pleaded. 'She just didn't eat. At all. And spent 3 hours a day in the gym. At least. And then SOMETIMES she would treat herself with a chai latte.'

I can't do that. How can I do that?

My worst fear came true. My dress doesn't fit. It's fixable though, and we find out on the weekend how they'll do it - I'm pretty sure they'll remove the zip and put in extra material to make a lace-up down the back. We measured everything though, and it seems the dress wasn't made to the measurements that were taken, it's about 2 inches too small in the waist. It's not my fault, but I feel like the biggest fatty regardless.

In spite of my current mood, I enjoyed my Hen's Day. I had my friends and family there, I ate, drank, and was merry. I had my makeup trial that morning so looked gorgeous and the dress I was wearing makes me feel amazing. I put everything behind me (as well as the sneaky weigh-in that had me a few kgs up... kgs!!) and just had fun. I plan on getting married only once, so this is my one chance to be the Hen. I don't want to be missing out on having fun because I'm trying not to eat or drink - that's not living.

I've got a couple of things going on this week, a few things that are going to be quite challenging emotionally (gotta get my big girl panties out, suck it up, and deal with it!), a few dinners out that I'll have to be careful with... but at some point, I've just got to stop making excuses for why this is so hard for me and just eat right and exercise consistently. That's all I have to do. Why can't I do it?

Leaving you with a pic of the Hen. Cheers!

And then the champagne made me rowdy...

The spread was fantastic:

Geez, my mum puts on a good party :) And I wonder why I think food and drink make me happy.... because they do!!!

A blur.

That's what the last 10 days have been. A blur. In a haze of moving, and final performances, and wedding preparation, I've been trying to get back on track. It hasn't really been working, because I've put on a couple of kilos in the last few weeks. Not too many, but enough to give me a bit of a wake-up call. Enough to make me want to snap out of this 'plateau' that is actually just me being really slack, and not really a plateau at all.

Tomorrow, I try on my dress for the first time. I'm scared. What if it doesn't fit? What if it's too small and the dressmaker can't fix it? What if I've spent $3000 on something that I cannot wear? I know it won't be out by much - I'm the same weight as I was when I first went to the bridal shop, but it doesn't make it any easier to believe that it will be okay. There's nothing I can do about it now, though.

Life is almost back to normal - we're pretty much moved in, Dave will be back at work Monday, and I'm back on LnE full time. I'm committed to not being persuaded to head over to the cafe at lunchtime. I can't say I'll be strong enough not to have takeaway for dinner if Dave chooses to, or to not have chocolate, but I will be strong enough to say no to this one thing. This is not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.

I also have slacked off on the exercise - averaging about 4000 steps a day, which is far shy of the 10,000 minimum I was getting just a few months ago. Gym has to come before couch, every day. It HAS to.

I thought about registering for 12WBT again, but I can't do that for the rest of my life. I have to just do this. Just live. Make wise choices, say no sometimes, say yes sometimes, and EXPERIENCE life. It's hard, but it can be done. It will be done.

You've got to accentuate the positive,

Eliminate the negative,
Latch on to the affirmative...

It's amazing what a difference a change in attitude makes. Dave is home. We have an amazing house to move into. Yes, I'm doing this all on my own, but I AM CAPABLE of doing this all on my own. I have had countless offers of help from friends and family, and I am eternally grateful for all of their support. I'm yet to take anyone up on their offers, but it's good to know that the help is only a phone call away if I need it.

After Dave was released from hospital on Thursday, things in my world started looking better. I spent the evening hatching the game plan for the move, thought it all through, and felt a lot better going to bed. Friday morning, we went to the Real Estate Agents and Dave signed his part of the lease and the rest of the paperwork. We got the keys, and I dropped him at home before heading to the house to complete the inspection. After that, I went to work. I'd had enough time off, and felt ridiculously guilty I put in a few hours there before my boss (who is extremely understanding) decided I'd done enough and sent me home again.

Saturday I followed the plan to a tee, packing and moving a lot of our stuff by the carload. Today I was able to move a little, and even found time to go shopping for a dress for my boss's wedding/the work Xmas party. I was super impressed to walk into City Chic (a big-girl's shop!) and have to buy the XS in a dress. I know their sizing is extremely generous and made to make big girls feel smaller - and all of this psychology worked a treat on me this afternoon! Last year, I weighed the same as I do now, and my dress was a little bigger. Part of the change is the added strength training from the earlier part of this year. Part of it is that I now feel comfortable in figure-hugging clothes.

I'm not going to hide behind layers any more. Bigger isn't always better. I have a waist. I need to embrace it, show it off. Inspire myself to improve my body and my mind so that my strength shines through.

No matter what the world throws at me, I am strong.

Kick me when I'm down.

Go on world, what else do you wanna throw at me?

Tuesday morning, I was woken at 4am with Dave writhing in pain. This continued until 6:30 when the alarm went off and I went to work, without him. He has had this pain in the past, and had ultrasounds, CT scans, a gastroscopy and an MRI - all showed NOTHING. At 9:00, he decided that he couldn't cope anymore, and I left work and took him to the hospital. 4 hours in Emergency, 4 hours in Triage, and an ultrasound later, he was admitted with Gallstones. I left him there overnight, and in the morning we were informed he would be having surgery. I took the following two days off work, and have spent countless hours sat in a (quite comfortable!) hospital chair, only going home to sleep and ducking out to eat. I tried to go to work on Wednesday morning and was promptly sent away (relief!) and called in last night while very teary and explained that I wouldn't be in Thursday.

Dave has had his gall bladder out, and now has the next two weeks off work and the following 6-8 weeks on light duties (no lifting). This is SUPER HELPFUL seeing as we are moving this weekend. Can't wait to do this all on my own :(

Then life throws you a curveball.

This week was going to be the biggest week of my life. And then MORE shit happened.

First of all, this past Thursday was my last ever competitive performance of calisthenics. After 25 years, I am retired. The competition was in Ballarat - a trip my mum and I make each year, staying in a shitty hotel, eating shitty food (always the same things, it's tradition!). This year was different in that it was the first time we had a room to ourselves. Back in the cost-cutting days of childhood, we'd shared a room with two other mother/daughter combos. In later years, one of the girls moved on and it was just myself and my friend and our mothers. Last year, my friend found out at Ballarat that she was pregnant, so this year Mum and I had a room on our own. I was glad, as it was always going to be my last year, and it's awkward to tell someone that you just want to be alone, with your mum, to cry...

The comp was amazing. There are 9 of us retiring this year (out of the team of 17), and it was an emotionally charged day that was filled with tears both happy and sad, and a general appreciation of the sport which has given me so much and made me the person I am today. There were moments when I doubted my decision to give it up, but the endless hours of practice, the pain (I'm old, and have put a lot of strain on my poor knees being big all this time), the time... and the promise of a new life - marriage, babies - really drove it home that this is the time to do it. I drank in EVERY minute on that beautiful stage, in that beautiful theatre, with those beautiful people. There were many tears, many smiles, and much hearty laughter. There was a teeny tiny bit of stress, though, because of a letter we received on Monday.

We got given 120 days notice to 'vacate' our house. It's not an eviction notice, and we've done nothing wrong, but come February 16th, 2014, we can no longer live in this house. 120 days is a really long time - until you factor in what is going on in our lives at that time. We're getting MARRIED ON NEW YEAR'S EVE. We're going on our honeymoon for an entire MONTH from mid January to mid February. So we have to be out before the honeymoon, before the wedding, before Christmas. So now. Yeah, now.

We inspected a property (thankfully managed by the same place that we are currently with) on Wednesday, filled in the application, and got approved on Friday afternoon. So this week, instead of enjoying my free time now that cali is over, I'm packing to move at some point in the next two weeks. The new place is 5 minutes drive from here, and we've worked out that we'll probably be able to move most of our stuff in small trips each night, with a couple of trips in the truck that Dave can get from work for the big items. We're signing the lease on Tuesday (and handing over all our savings - sad face) and should be able to get the keys before next weekend. We've then got to give 2 weeks notice here seeing as we won't be taking the full 120 days to vacate and then we've got that time to move and get this place professionally cleaned. Phew.

So, needless to say, the exercise and diet is going terribly. Not terribly, I still managed an almost 2 hour walk today and have eaten fairly well - but I'm not expecting miracles on the scale in the morning, or for the next few weeks at least. I have completed my shakesperiment (terrible, horrible, can't stick to it and should never have tried to) and re-committed to LnE.

That's my update... More insight will follow as I've just spent 2 weeks reading a blog that has inspired me and my thoughts in the last few days. Hopefully I'll be able to find an hour or so to write about it. Possibly during *shh* work time.

The week that was.

To be brutally honest, it was shit. The positivity that I had last Sunday up and left, and I've been in a funk all week. I've eaten whatever the hell I've wanted, even crammed things in when I felt physically sick. I'm chalking it all up to the visit from my monthly friend that I have been avoiding the past few months (thankyou, hormones in a foil pack!) but really felt like I needed to have.

That's over now, but I'm not sure that the funk is. I'm feeling really anxious about my wedding dress. I ordered it months ago, thankfully not too optimistically - in the size that I was when I tried it on. I only have to lose one inch around my waist (it's the only REALLY fitted part of the dress) and if I squeeze the tape measure, I'm there. I just don't want to turn up at the fitting in a few short weeks and have the dress not fit at all, and I don't know how to reassure myself that everything will be fine. 

My mum has always made clothes for me, or I've had clothes in the cupboard that I want to wear for a specific occasion. Every few weeks, I try them on - see how I'm going, see what changes (if any) will need to be made. I can't in this instance, as the dress won't arrive from the dressmaker until the day before my first fitting. I don't know what the hell I'll do if it doesn't fit, and I'll be devastated if it doesn't. What a waste of money (and a stress to find something that DOES fit).

I dunno what the answer is, but I have to be patient. I cannot do anything until it arrives at the end of November. That's 4 more weeks (5, really) of me pfaffing about. I'm lost...

Sunday Funday?

Depends what you call 'FUN', but I sure had a great day today. I started off laaaaazzzzyyy by getting out of bed at about 10am. We had a 1st birthday party to go to and needed to leave around 11, so we just bummed around on Facebook and such until it was time to go.

I had left my morning shake out on purpose, thinking that if I had a shake just before we left I'd be less likely to eat too much at the party - we were promised party food, soft drink, and a sausage sizzle. And cake. So I shook, and I quite enjoyed it. We got to the party venue to find no-one there. A quick check of my text messages and I realised we were an hour early. Oops!! I suggested going for a short walk just as the heavens opened, so we shelved that idea and stayed in the car playing Candy Crush until it was party time.

I had a sausage - is there anything better than a sausage in fresh white bread with a smothering of tomato sauce? I think no! Before I knew it, it was cake time, and I had a slice. I figured I'd passed up two cakes at work last week, and skipped on all the party food except the sausage, so I was putting all my excuses and reasons in a bag and eating the bloody cake. It was delicious - chocolate mud cake with fondant icing. A few minutes later, I was in a sugar coma...

We got home at about 4, and I got changed and headed to the gym. 90 minutes on the treadmill, with a few running and jogging spurts, and 30 minutes of upper body strength training, and it was time to go home. I mostly stayed at the gym so long because I knew I'd want to eat as soon as I got home, and any time before 6 was not going to bode well for the rest of the evening. Prawn Stir Fry was delicious, once again.

I'd been needing to burn some CDs for cali for a few weeks and really needed to get them done for tomorrow night, but we didn't have any blank ones at home so I had to go back out. I hit Coles and got CDs and suddenly realised there was also a bag of Natural Confectionery Jelly Babies in my hand as well, as I was walking back to the car. I ripped open the packet like the sugar fiend I am, and then realised what I was doing. Checking the label, I found that one serving is 5 babies. 5 babies? Ok, count out 5 and put the rest away. Check. Eat said babies. Check. Eat 5 more. Check. WTF ARE YOU DOING??? STOP!!!

Bag away, I was home. Logged everything into MFP, silent high-5 for the 15k step day according to Fitbit. Silent scolding for lollies, but pat on the back for stopping and not eating the whole packet on the 4 minute drive home. Lollies were nice, and I'm sure I'll appreciate them more each day as I count out 5 and enjoy them in my own time. Sugar free ain't me!

What's the plan for this week? Well, I have a few more days' worth of the 'Rapid' shakes, and to be honest, I'm not as hungry as I was the first few days. I'm going to keep it up, making sure I have ready access to the snack and meal replacement bars at work as well to mix it up a bit. Once the 'Rapid' shakes are gone, there are about 10 days' worth of the 'Trim' shakes and I'm 90% sure I'm going to complete the 17 days. I cannot be as restrictive as the program prescribes, because I'll just throw it all in. I know me. But I will keep at it, continue to make delicious stir fries for dinner, and continue to say no MOST of the time to treats.

I read somewhere that time will pass regardless of how you spend it, so make the most of what you have. I'm not an 'all-in-gung-ho-get-it-done' kinda girl, but I am a 'give-it-your-best-and-get-it-done-most-of-the-time' kinda girl. Right now, that's all I'm asking of myself. It's working, I'm in a positive mindset, and that's fun!

Another day, another shake (or two!)

Today went well - sleep in, shakes for breakky and lunch, big walk in the evening (Loving Daylight Savings!!) and a sensible dinner.

This was Prawn Stir Fry that I made up tonight - small amount of noodles and bucketloads of bean shoots that I think take on a noodley kinda role in a dish like this. The sauce was a mixture of sweet chilli, hoisin, kecap manis and oyster sauce - I had lots of half jars and bottles in the fridge and couldn't decide on the flavour so I just chucked them all in. Turns out there was a little too much chilli, but I'll fix that next time :)

The good news is I made 3 portions, so no cooking tomorrow night. I'm not home Monday nights, but I will take it to work to have for lunch on Monday and make lunch my 'food' meal and have a shake for dinner between classes. I teach from 4:30-6:30 and then have my own class from 7-10 so that half hour isn't really enough time to organise a proper dinner, and if I don't eat, I know I'll end up at Maccas like I have every Monday since February.

I kinda fell over and landed on a Honeycomb Maxibon after dinner. Well... ok... I didn't fall on it, I got it from the freezer... There are no excuses. I wanted an icecream, it was there, I had it. I'm still WAYYY under my calories for the day thanks to the shakes and the walk, and I don't feel one bit guilty. Guilt is something I no longer wish to feel about food. The shakes allow me to have the occasional splurge - I just need to not make it a regular thing (once or twice a week should be fine!).

Shakesperiment SUCKS!!

Friday went fairly well, shake in the morning, shake in the lunchtime, shake in the arvo. Temptation all around and willpower prevailed. It didn't prevail once we got home and Dave suggested ordering Parma and chips from the local. Nor did it prevail when the gelato arrived.

I did end the day with a few calories remaining - namely thanks to the 45 minute walk/jog/run that happened in the AM. Carbs and I are friends. Low carb and I don't get along.

I will continue the experiment, but I won't get the results, because I'm doing it wrong. I guess at least my losses will be there because of calorie restriction, and not because of losing water due to having no carbs in my body. My loss may not be just fat, but it will be a loss. Strength training will ensure muscle loss is minimal. I guess we'll see what happens on Monday at weigh-in...

The first 'real' day

Today was the first 'real' day where I followed the program to the letter. Or at least, I tried to. Yesterday was awesome for the most part, but we did have pizza for dinner, so I didn't stick to the 'low-no carbs for dinner' guideline. Today, however, I stuck to everything.

After my 7am shake, I was going well. 8am arrived, and my heart sank as a coworker arrived with a caramel mudcake from the Cheesecake Shop. My absolute FAVOURITE cake in the world. The hunger kicked in around 10:30am, after I ignored the cravings for cake all morning. I patiently waited for 11am to arrive and made my second shake. Still no cake.

Lunch break. 12:30pm. My colleague and I went out on break, and it was a little awkward watching her eat her muffins and cheese, but I stuck with it. Back to my desk, and some kind soul had placed a slice of cake on it. Are you joking?? I didn't eat it. I gave it to another coworker. It was bloody hard, but I did it. Only another hour until my next shake. True hunger set in - headache, stomach pains, cravings. I'm not sure that I've ever FELT hunger before - I've always given in to cravings right away. It was satisfying to say no and not give in. I also have the 500 or so Freddos sitting on display on my desk, and I said no to those as well.

2pm. Shake time. I was fine then until about 5pm. I'd finished work at 4, gone to Coles to pick up the vegies for dinner tonight. I didn't buy chocolate, chips, lollies, icecream, or bread. Or cake. Like I wanted to, or usually would have. Waiting for Dave to come out of work was hard. It had been 3 hours since my last shake and I was beginning to feel the hunger again. Water didn't help (I've drunk 3 litres today!), and I was having thoughts of giving up. Driving home, traffic was crap, and the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym.

We got home, changed, and I got back in the car. I have my snack bars in the boot ready for next week and I have to admit I had one of those on the way to the shops. There was no way I was going into a shopping centre containing all sorts of deliciousness on a rumbly tummy. I had a list of things I needed to get at the supermarket (because I hadn't thought about things like shampoo and toilet paper in my single-minded 'vegies' shop an hour before), and I ended up just getting those things and coming back home. I WILL NOT force myself to go to the gym when my body is tired and my head isn't in it. I don't want to resent going, or make it a place that is not positive for me. So I didn't go - I walked a couple of laps of the supermarket, and came home to cook dinner. I made a stir-fry with heaps of veg for 650 calories (no rice or noodles, but bean sprouts!) and ate my mountain of food.

Sitting here 3 hours later, I'm a little peckish. Not starving, not hungry even, but just a little peckish. Let's see how tomorrow goes.

My 17 day 'shakesperiment'.

So today was the first day of my 17 day 'shakesperiment'. After receiving my shit in the mail yesterday and reading through the guidelines of the 'program' I decided to turn this into an experiment. I'm going to document how I feel - both hunger wise and my mood. Side effects seem to include irritability, crankiness, moodiness, dizziness, nausea and hunger. Sounds like fun, hey?

I thought I'd be able to have LnE dinners, but the program is essentially low carb, and dinner is suggested to consist of meat and veg - with little to no carbs. Most of the LnE dinners contain a high carb content, so they're out. I'll be buying some chicken breasts and steaks/marinated meats and cooking them on the George Forman Grill along with some steamed veg. Tonight, of course, is Pizza night, so I'm having a small one as a last hurrah.

I have enough powder to make shakes for the first 7 days of the 'Rapid' phase - 3 shakes a day plus dinner, no snacks. Then, I have enough of the 'Trim' shakes and snacks for a further 10 days of the next (you guessed it, Trim) phase where breakky and lunch are a shake or meal replacement bar and the snacks are a smaller meal replacement bar twice daily. The 'sensible' dinner is also recommended.

I was planning on not telling Dave, but I don't want to lie to him, so I told him tonight what I was doing. I was just going to order LnE and pretend I was eating it, but the dinner situation would prove difficult. I'm not that girl, who lies to her partner and sneaks around, so I told him that I want to do this, just for 3 weeks, to see what happens. He's not happy that I'm basically cutting out a whole food group (carbs) and to be honest I'm not sure that I'm thrilled about it either.

So why am I doing it?

I really want to know what it feels like to be on a low-carb diet. I'm 99% sure my body is going to react badly, but I'm also curious as to just how much weight I could lose in a few short weeks. I'm also curious what will happen in the following weeks - how much of the weight lost will return once carbs are re-introduced? How will my body react during the shakesperiment, and how will it react afterwards?

17 days to find out...

Weekend Wrap Up

I woke up on Saturday with no improvement to the arm situation. Sad face. The show must go on, however, so I sucked it up and got on with my day. We started off with a breakfast at Lazy Moe's. For anyone who doesn't know, pretty much the aim of this restaurant is to serve giant, delicious meals at a reasonable price. They do it very well. I chose the French Toast with bacon and maple syrup, and as we ate at about 9:30 decided it would be lunch as well.

I headed off to Mum's after getting ready for the comp, for her to do my hair and have a last minute costume check. We went to the comp, did FUCKING AWESOMELY, and then it was all over. As I knew, once I got on stage and the adrenalin was pumping, I didn't notice the pain from my stupidity. After each item, though, getting changed for the next one, it hurt again. Weird. We came runner's up (2nd) overall, so it was a very successful outing. It came right down to the last item, and we won it (our coaches have done a brilliant job with a brilliant concept that blows the audience - and the judge - away EVERY TIME). It's such a thrill and I'm really going to miss it once it's over for the year.

This year is my last year of competing at Cali. Most don't last into their 30s, especially at this level, and I think I've done bloody well to get where I have. The truth, though, is that it's time to start a family. I might come back to it in a few years, but it will be to 'Masters' where the competition isn't quite as tough and the commitment is nowhere near as high. I'm so so sad to be finishing but I've had a great 25 years, full of highs and lows, fun and tears. It's time to start the next chapter of my life.

Anyway, back to the weekend. I finished off the night with the usual celebration at Macca's. I've been trying to listen to my hunger cues and not eat 'just because'. During the night Mum had offered me a choc chip cookie and a Kit Kat, both of which I refused because I didn't actually feel like them. I did have a pizza roll about halfway through the comp, and only ate that because although I wasn't hungry, I started to feel a bit dizzy coming off stage. At Maccas, we usually get a full meal each (at 11pm... crazy!!) but I told Mum to choose between the burger and the fries and we would split a meal. Good choice. I had the burger, she had the fries, and I got through the day almost even on calories.

This morning was daylight savings changeover, so we lost an hour. A little sleep-in, and we headed off to the Queen Vic Market for a browse. An hour or so of wandering around and we came home for lunch, having managed to avoid all the deliciousness that IS the market. We didn't buy anything else, just wandered around. It was a lovely morning, beautiful sunshine, not too hot, not too cold.

I had a quick lunch, after realising we hadn't eaten breaky either. LnE all the way, then I headed off to the gym. I did some intervals on the treadmill for 30 mins and then decided to back up the strength training the other day and keep it going. Another half hour of upper-body work and I was about to leave when I noticed this big guy that has been at the gym in the last week or so. When I say big, I mean BIG. Bigger than anyone I've EVER seen. He struggles to fit between the side rails of the treadmill. Yet he's there. EVERY TIME I have been there this week.

I watched this guy today, not creepily (I hope), but in awe of what he was doing. He's trying. He's sweating. He's there. I used to be that girl. The girl who could only walk on the treadmill because she couldn't do anything else. The girl that turned up every day and just did it because she wanted something more. I realised I still am that girl. The girl who needs to turn up every day and do what needs to be done.

I ordered Celebrity Slim last week. Yes, I know. It's not real food. It's a meal replacement shake, designed to sort-of fill you up while you're pretending you're not hungry. I'm going to do it for 3 weeks - the first is the 'Rapid' phase, where you drink 3 shakes a day and have a 'normal' dinner (in my case it'll be LnE). The next phase is the 'Trim' phase where you have 2 shakes and two snacks a day, then a 'normal' dinner. I'll do that stage for two weeks. At the end of the 3 weeks I'll assess and see if my hunger/irritability is worth the weight loss. I'm banking on it not being, but I'm hoping that the weight loss will be enough to kick start my motivation again. It should all arrive in the next day or so, so I'll begin as soon as it does.

I've got this.

This is what happens when you...

... don't do strength training for about six months, and then do, again.

I can hardly straighten or lift my arms from a lazy 30 reps of bicep curls and 30 reps of tricep extensions. Two days ago. OUCH!

The stupid thing is, I have a competition for Cali tomorrow night and I kinda need my arms for that. I've done a bit of self-massage tonight and will do the same in the morning to try and get rid of the lactic acid or whatever it is that is causing me pain. It's not an injury, just soreness, but boy I chose the wrong week to start upping the intensity. Six more weeks of cali and then I'm done for the year, so I'll tone it down (not cut it, just dial it back a smidge) until that's over.

In other news, I discovered yesterday that my gym has opened an outlet right near my work. My gym is one of those 24/7 keypass entry gyms where the key works at EVERY OUTLET IN THE WORLD. It's super convenient because it means that when we travel, we have no excuse not to exercise. It also means that I have access to a gym right near home, cali/mum & dads, and work. Wherever I am, if I have half an hour spare, I can get some steps or a good workout in.

I dropped in there this morning for a walk. The equipment is so very new there, it took me a little while to work out how to even turn the treadmill on!! Luckily it wasn't too busy between 7am and 8am, which is the time I will be regularly going - there is a great range of equipment in both the cardio and strength sections. It's definitely taking away my 'bad weather' excuse for morning training.

I haven't hit 12,000 steps on any day yet this month, but I have felt my whole attitude change. I like it.

Steptember Lessons

I had a few goals for Steptember, and now that it's over, I thought I'd reflect on what I've learned. My guidelines were:

-10,000 steps per day, no matter how
-Own my food choices
-Make Mondays better

I went very well on the step count. I had only 2 days out of 30 where I missed my 10,000 target. My average step count over the 30 days was 11,319. This is almost double my average daily step count as at June 30, so I'm really happy with that. To be honest, it really hasn't been that hard. Sometimes just 20-30 minutes stepping on the spot while watching TV was all it took to bump me up to the 10,000. Incidental exercise also helped - taking the long way to the loo at work, parking a bit further away at the shops. I also didn't care that I looked like an idiot on morning and afternoon breaks at work, marching on the spot while chatting to a colleague who refused to walk up and down the street in her killer heels. The price some people pay for fashion is ridiculous. I swear I will never understand it.

Owning my food choices is still a struggle. I am consciously making decisions I know are not the best, but I make them anyway. I talk myself out of the best choices constantly, and I DO NOT KNOW WHY. I am proud of one small achievement though. I don't know if I've mentioned my fundraising efforts for my big walk, but we've ordered 800 or so Cadbury chockies to sell. I've currently got about 500 of them at my desk, in boxes, out on display during business hours. In the past, with fundraising chocolates, I buy most of them myself and eat them. Probably between 5 and 7 a day, because you've gotta have one of every flavour and you can't decide on just one so you eat them all. WELL. I made a decision when they arrived that I was eating just the ones that melted in the car during pickup. I ate three of them in one go and felt awfully sick, so I threw the rest out (about 20 of them!) to avoid further self-destruction. That still left me with 500 various goodies to tempt me. I'm allowing myself ONE per day.

The part that I'm proud of is that there has not been one day that I have gone over quota. Today, I didn't even have one! Sure, there've been other slips and mishaps along the way (namely with other treats and the irresistible pull of the cafe across the road), but my big downfall, chocolate, is beginning to come under control. I will never be cured, and I will never NOT eat it, but I do want to get a handle on my uncontrollable mindless gorging.

Realising that I don't eat because I am hungry has also been a lesson. I joked that I eat because my mouth is empty, and it's not really that funny. It's scary. I've begun to look into Overeaters Anonymous and am seriously considering trying to find a meeting. The only hesitation I have is that they ask you to surrender to the fact that another power is in control (God, whatever higher power you believe in) and I struggle with that concept. I am so far refusing to accept that I am not in control, despite evidence to the contrary. I want to own my choices, not surrender to someone else. I feel like that might make it easier to blame someone other than myself. I don't know... it's all so confusing...

Mondays have been better - although still not perfect. I'm not stopping at Macca's at 10pm just because I feel like it. If I'm not hungry, I don't go. That's a bonus!

Choctober is a bust. There is no way I can go without chocolate. So let's set some realistic guidelines for October. The step thing really worked in September. I want to up my average step count again. I also need to adjust my food - instead of having a hard and fast calorie target, I'm going to have a target range of net calories. For those of you who don't know, net calories are whatever you eat minus whatever you exercise. My Fitbit gives me a rough estimate of what I have burned, so with accurate food logging this is very possible.

The numbers:
-12,000 average daily step count for the month of October.
-Net calories between 1500 and 1700 daily.

How can I get the numbers to work?
-Get stepping. Make a concerted effort to get to the gym or to the beach, EVERY day.
-Stop eating once I hit 1700 calories for the day. Regardless of when it is. If I want chocolate, I eat it until there are no calories left. I'll soon learn that dinner is more important than instant gratification. Or I'll actually know what it feels like to be hungry.

What do you think? Can I do it?

The only way is up

It's almost the end of Steptember and I am pleased to report that I have only had 2 days where I have not met my target. One of those days I have already talked about. The second was this past Sunday. I had taken my first training walk on Saturday for another charity walk I have signed up for. I know I swore to never do silly things like that again but the truth is I enjoyed the challenge. I enjoyed the feeling of knowing everyone else thought I couldn't do it and then proving them wrong. This time it's 60km over 2 days. I'm sure I'll post a link on this blog closer to the event (March 2014) so keep an eye out. Anyway, back to the story.

So we went on a training walk that was supposed to be 10km, but turned out due to a comedy of errors to be closer to 15km. I was going to back it up by doing another big walk (10-15km) on the Sunday, but instead I just sat on the couch all day watching Dexter saying to myself 'at the end of the next episode I'll get up'. I didn't. I just sat there all day, until about 9:30pm when I felt so guilty I got out my Samsung tablet and walked on the spot while reading some weight loss and fitness blogs. I got to 8,000 steps by 11:30pm and gave up and went to bed. While I didn't achieve my 10,000 step goal, I had almost 30,000 steps for the weekend so I really don't feel bad at all. I know I wasn't going to accept averages, and I'm not making an excuse, but it doesn't mean I can't feel a tiny sense of achievement for getting off the couch and doing SOMETHING.

Food, on the other hand, has been a disaster. I just can't get my head around it. I was saying to my friend at work today, during lunch, that I have been contemplating lap-band surgery. I am 99% against surgical intervention, because I WANT to do this on my own, but there's that little part of me that thinks it's the easy way out and I just want to take it to be done with this shit. I know it's not easy, and it's very easy to put the weight back on after removal of the band. Gastric sleeve is something I wouldn't consider because I simply do not want to be taking vitamins and supplements for the rest of my life because my stomach won't hold enough basic food. Anyway, we were talking about it, and I said something off the cuff that made us both wet ourselves with laughter.

'I don't think it would work for me, because I don't eat because I'm hungry, I eat because my mouth is empty'

I realised in that split second that it was VERY true. A lap band wouldn't help me, gastric bypass wouldn't help me. I would eat until I vomited, and then I'd eat some more because I'd vomited and made some room. This scares me. I don't know how to get past it. I need much more than the latest fad or surgery. I just don't know what it is or where to find it.

I think it's all in my head, and I need to get my head right.

This walk I am doing is for research and support for Women's Cancers. There is a much higher fundraising requirement than the walk I did earlier in the year - I have to raise a minimum of $2k to qualify to walk. I'm doing it with a friend, so we have to raise a minimum of $4k together. That's a buttload of money. What have we done? We've ordered Cadbury chocolates to kickstart the fundraising. That's right, me, self confessed food addict, has boxes and boxes of chocolates in my possession. Waiting to be eaten. Normally, what I would do, is pick one of each flavour, say I'm having ONE a day, and then eat them all in one go. I'd do it again the next day, and the next, until they were all gone. This time, I've paid for EVERY SINGLE CHOCOLATE in my possession. $581 worth, to be precise.

The chocs got delivered to my friend who is home all day with her gorgeous newborn. She delivered them to me at our training walk, and because it was such a nice day, some of them got melted in the car. After I got home, I sorted them all out and separated out the melted ones, justifying to myself that they were the ones I was allowed to eat because I couldn't (in good conscience) sell them to someone else. $21 worth. This is the way my mind works. I'll help someone else not eat ruined melted chocolate by eating it myself! Go me! Raising money for a good cause!

I've taken the chocs to work and have them all under my desk. Each morning, I dutifully set them up to tempt anyone walking by my desk with my impressive array of variety of brightly coloured packaging. My sneaky box of melted ones sits at the bottom of the pile, just beckoning me to eat them. Yesterday, I put that box in my car. On the way home from work, I ate three. I felt sick. There were 17 left. I contemplated eating more. I don't know why, but I am VERY PROUD of what I did next. When I got home, I took that box out of my car. I opened the rubbish bin lid. I dumped them in the bin. I didn't take them out. They're gone.

I can't say I'll have that willpower for the 500 or so others that are by my desk, but I do know that I am determined to not do what I did (and have done) in the past. It's so tempting to have them next to me all day, but this is a test for me. A test I will fail more than once. I know this.

What do I need more than anything? To stop this cycle of binging. To stop thinking of food as a reward and start thinking of it as fuel for my body. Right now, this is the stupidest concept to me. One day, it will come naturally, but for now, I'll just have to do what I have always done and keep telling myself what I want to believe until it becomes reality. I know it works, because I now love myself, and I never did before. I don't know that I'll be able to convince myself that I don't like chocolate, but I don't think that's really the point (and it will never happen!!!). I have to convince myself that being a healthy, fit, strong person is much more preferable to the instant satisfaction of food. That when I wait for something, it's even better than having it straight away. That life can be enjoyed when it doesn't revolve around food.

It started 4 years ago, with that work Biggest Loser competition. It will never end, but it needs to improve. One day at a time, one decision at a time, one breath at a time.

Another week goes by in Steptember!

It's been a week between posts AGAIN. I'm afraid there's not much to report. I'm yet to miss a day of 10,000 steps, which makes 17/18 days that I've reached my target. I've also been over my calories by at least 500 most days. Sad face.

I have lost a little bit of weight in September, and that is purely a fluke, I believe. My diet is not great. It's getting better, but I'm still over by way too much every day. There are now only 15 weeks until the wedding, 11 weeks until the first dress fitting. I need to lose 10kg by then to hit my under 100kg goal, and the only thing that is going to get me there is determination, and more of a calorie deficit. I'm not willing to compromise on the food, so that means I have to do extra exercise. It's the only way. My step goal for October will be 12,000 steps a day.

Choctober is off. It's impossible. It's unrealistic. I will never do it. Why make a goal that I'm sure to fail? To make myself feel like shit for not succeeding? Fuck that. But I do have a deadline to have my waist a certain measurement by November 30 to fit into my dress. It's not unreachable, but it hasn't moved in the 3 months since I ordered my dress, so something has to be done. I'm thinking of borrowing from the 5:2 'diet' and having a couple of fast days (no more than 2 per week). Fasting is not 'fasting' in the true sense of the word - this 'diet' asks that you consume up to 500 calories on your fast days, and then spread your calories (so mine would be 1000 per day of fasting) over the other five days. I won't be doing that.

I'm going to trial ONE fast day per week, only eating a LnE dinner (roughly 400 calories). I won't spread out the extra calories over the other days. I don't want to have to resort to meal replacement shakes for the whole of November, but I may have to if I can't get myself under control.

Steptember 11

It's September 11. 12 years to the day since America was attacked and the world changed. 12 years since I realised that shit happens, arseholes cause it, and I have no control over any of it.

And today, I realised I have control over me. No-one holds a gun to my head and tells me to eat 4 chocolate bars in a day. But I did that today. Me. Myself. I chose to eat them. I chose to walk into Coles, to buy them, to wait all day with them in my bag, and to eat them on the way home from work. I don't know how I'm going to change. I need some help, but I don't know where to go to get it.

I'm so awesome at getting my steps in. Yesterday, I took Dave for a procedure and had to wait an hour for him to come out. Instead of sitting there, I walked. Around and around until he was ready. I've hit my 10,000 every day (except this Saturday) this month. 10 times. And I've gone over my calories EVERY SINGLE DAY THIS MONTH. What the hell?

A big weekend

Yeah, I had one! Two days off work this week because of the snot monster, and I had a massive weekend. My team had a cali comp on Saturday night, and the kids I teach had one this afternoon (Sunday). I slept in on Saturday, and left myself with not a lot of time to get ready and go to the comp. I fully intended on getting up and going for a walk in the morning to ensure I got my 10,000 steps, but that didn't happen. I ended up with 7,500 for the day, which was fairly good considering when I left the house I had under 1,000.

We went really well at our comp - shaky start, then ended solidly and came second overall. It was on the other side of town, so it took me over 2 hours to get home. It was a long night that ended with a long hot shower, and me crawling into bed just after 2am. Dave woke me up at 8am, because he thought I needed to go, but I'd neglected to tell him I didn't need to leave until later. He's used to the kids comps starting early in the morning, so I can't be mad at him. He remembered that I had something to do, and thought he'd be in trouble if he let me sleep. He's a keeper.

I couldn't go back to sleep, so watched the last few episodes of Gilmore Girls (final season... bawled my eyes out!!) and headed out to the kid's comp. They did a great job, but no results on the board. They're a really young, inexperienced team and they did well just to remember their routines and get through them, so I'm proud. I got home at around 7pm, checked Fitty, and was devastated that I only had 3,500 steps for the day. It seems like so much running around at a comp, but it's really just tiring trying to keep nine 7-year-olds occupied for 4 hours, on track with getting ready for each item on time, making sure they're toileted and fed and not being too rowdy.

Anyhoo, seeing as I'd failed my challenge the day before, I thought 'there's no way I'm missing out today!', so I got changed, headed to the gym, and smashed out an hour on the treadmill, ending with just under 12,000 steps for the day. I'm over 10,000 for an average in Steptember, but I don't want to be able to carry steps over - each day is seperate in my head. I can't start making up steps the next day, or having a big day and then a small day the next, just because I average it out. I plan on Saturday being my only 'below 10k' day this month. There isn't much else in the calendar that will spoil that, so it'll just be me getting off my ass and making it happen. Easy.

Food this weekend has been fairly awful. Friday was a disaster - all completely conscious decisions, but I felt so sick after gorging on Maccas breakky, KFC lunch and pizza dinner. I was over by 3,000 calories, just for Friday alone, but the feeling will stay with me for a while. I felt so gross. I can't believe I used to eat like that 2-3 times a week. Ew. Saturday and Sunday were both much better, still a few things that I shouldn't have had, but I feel better for it. Tomorrow's weigh-in will tell the tale.

Food really is my big struggle... I've decided that October will be CHOCtober, which means no chocolate. That will be extremely hard. Painful, even. But it needs to be done.

Attack of the snot monster.

He got me. The snot monster. Truth be told he's had me for a few days, but I've been denying it. Today, I accepted defeat and stayed home from work. I slept in, had some pad thai, and am currently watching my 8th episode of Gilmore Girls while listening to the rain. It's been the perfect sick day.

BUT IT'S STEPTEMBER!!!

Yesterday (day 4) went well. A walk along the beach in the morning before work, a great food day. Well within calories, and well over my 10,000 step goal for the day. Winner!

And then today's sleep in... magic. I'm on almost 3,000 steps for the day, which means I need to go to the gym tonight, but I might just walk on the spot for the next hour so that I don't have to. I can't give up on Day 5... I just can't!

Steptember Day 2 & 3

How did I go on my first Mad Monday? It was a crazy one, let me tell you! Mondays are huge for me - I work 7am-3pm, jump in the car for an hour to cali, teach for 2.5 hours, jump in the car and drive around to another hall and then have my own cali class for 3 hours. Then it's an hour's trip back home which usually sees me coming through the door at about 11:30pm. Not ideal for a girl trying to fit in at least an hour's exercise each day. Cali is DEFINITELY exercise, but it's not that high on the step count, so I had my work cut out for me.

I miss my morning walk on a Monday, so felt behind the 8-ball to begin with. By the time I got in the car at 3pm I only had 2,000 steps :( I made the effort to try to remember to jiggle up and down in what I have coined 'the wee dance' as much as possible. I did have at least 3 different people ask me if I needed to go to the loo (hence the name!). Practice finished on time and I didn't hang around to chat like I usually do, so I walked in the door at around 11pm. Checking my Fitty, I found that I was 1,500 steps short for the day, with an hour to go. Normally, I get home, shower, and get into bed to try to get enough sleep before the dreaded alarm goes off. Not last night! Last night, I ran the circuit that is our loungeroom/kitchen area, jogging on the spot sometimes, for the 15 minutes it took to rack up the steps. I remember thinking 'geez I'm a loony' for most of it.

Funnily enough, Dave didn't notice. Or he didn't comment, one or the other. He knows I'm doing this challenge, so it wouldn't surprise me if he just ignored me like he does when I'm being silly. Anyway, i snuggled into bed at 11:50pm with a smug 10,500 steps on the clock. Go me.

Day 3 went a little differently. We had an appointment to go to this afternoon, which meant I had to leave work at 3:30pm, meaning I had to start by 7:30am. There goes my morning walk AGAIN. No! It doesn't! I left the car at Dave's work and walked to mine - it's only 15 minutes away, but 15 minutes each way is almost half of my daily steps! After the appointment, we were driving home discussing whether or not we were going to the gym. I checked, and needed 4,000 steps to hit my target. Gym? Yes! 30 minutes on the cross trainer gave me what I needed, and I am good for the day. Two more days ticked off the list for 10,000 steps daily. Now there's just the small problem of food. Did I make the right choices? No.

Almost.

Maybe?

I didn't stop at Maccas on Monday at any point, which was a good start, and something that I usually do either straight after work, after practice, or both. I did, however, stop at Coles and get a packet of fairy cakes that put me 1,000 calories over my allowance for Monday. Boo. Day 3 went much more smoothly, with a full LnE day only marred by a big bag of Maltesers that went down way too easily while sitting at my desk today. I've got a hundred or so calories left tonight, even after my Malteser 'episode' and I'm feeling positive about tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I have no stash left. No sneaky Maltesers in desk drawers. No chocolate or packets of lollies. Nothing. The purchases from my last binge session are gone, and I've promised myself I won't be making a trip to Coles this week to replenish my sugar bucket. I've got a few LnE snacks stashed in my drawer at work ready for munchie time - sweet, savoury, crunchy and soft. They all must be gone before I resort to another shop. Surely for the next 3 days, I can stick to LnE?  A little mini-challenge. Yes.

Looking forward to my walk along the beach in the morning - it was a lovely 25 degrees today and we're headed for 26 tomorrow so the morning should be nice. Tomorrow's step count should be easily reached by midday and a trip to the gym in the evening will be a bonus. The second part of my mini-challenge will be to rid my body of those extra 1,000 calories that the fairy cakes left in my tummy. Or is it ON my tummy? Or my butt? It's there somewhere...

August Wrap-up

Well, today was the first day of Steptember - and while I was sitting here watching Masterchef, I started reflecting on my day. Then I realised I'd set some goals for August and hadn't even checked on them for ages... so I got out my data and started reflecting on the month that was August.

I had a couple of goals for August, all data related. The first was to increase my daily step average from the measly 7000 is was to over 8000 per day. My result after 31 days? Average steps 9338 a day. Tick. The next goal was to keep my net calories to below 1500 for the month. My previous two months were around 1650, so it was a drop of roughly 150 calories a day. My result after 31 days? Average net intake 1939 calories a day. Not so tick. My calories eaten were up, but also my calories burned were up. This is the positive I am taking from the month. Although I ate more, I actually tried to negate it a little more than I probably would have, had I not had the goal to up my daily steps.

What am I taking away from this? Food sucks. Not food in general, I love it too much. But my perception of food, and the hold it has over me, sucks. It's the reason I did not lose any weight in August, and the reason I actually put weight on in August. I'm glad I have this data, and I will continue to record it to keep an idea of trend. Over the next 3 months, I have a lot I need to achieve, and I know what I have to do. Am I strong enough? I don't have a choice. I have to be. I'm so glad I didn't order my dress a whole size smaller than I measured. I want to lose weight for my wedding, but I don't want it to be ONLY for the wedding. I want it to be for life.

Which brings me to Steptember. What a glorious day it was! The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I sat on my ass until 12pm NOT taking advantage of the weather. In fact, I watched all of the cooking shows on TV, and thought about all the things I was going to eat. Lucky I didn't eat them, and just had a hearty breakfast of Beans and Bacon on Toast from the freezer. Thank you Lite N Easy for that. Today was my Gran's 85th birthday, and we had an afternoon tea at her place to celebrate. 'Stuff the Dads' she said. 'It's my bloody birthday and I'm having a party!'. It was a great opportunity to catch up with the family (there are over 50 of us, and that's just Gran's brood and their offspring!) and boy was there food aplenty at the table...

Keeping in mind my decision to own my food choices, I did fairly well. I was restrained, only taking finger food every second time the plate came around, and choosing 3 small items from the dessert table and sticking with them, only going back for a tiny cupcake the second time around. I know I went over my cals for the day, but I didn't go anywhere near where I would have had I not been keeping myself accountable. It's so easy to say 'it's only one day', but that COULD be every day and I'll never get anywhere with that attitude.

We got home around 6pm and I checked my Fitbit. A few hours on the couch and a few hours standing around added up to 3000 steps today. Not bad for not doing much, but 7000 steps short of my daily goal. What did I do? I got changed, got my ass to the gym, and walked for 45 minutes. That's what I did. When I asked Dave if he wanted to come, his response was 'I'm having a lazy day.' And that is perfectly fine. I, however, could not pike out on the challenge that I'd set myself only days before, on the FIRST DAY of the challenge. I sit here now, with 10510 steps on Fitty. I'm roughly 150 cals over my daily net calories. Not a bad first day!

It's almost Steptember!!

September has been transformed to Steptember for this little duck. What does Steptember mean? A step in the right direction, that's what it means. No grand plans. No grand promises. No restrictions. Just guidelines. Small steps every day in the right direction. For 30 days. Not too hard, right? Fuck that. It's gonna be bloody hard. What are my guidelines?

- Exercise. 10,000 steps a day. I don't care how, I don't care when, but by midnight each night, I will have 10,000 steps.
- Food. I'm not saying what I'm not going to eat, because my past has shown that when I restrict, I binge. So I'm making informed decisions this month - owning my choices and standing behind them.
- Mondays. Mondays are hard. I have 8 hours of work followed by an hour commute, followed by 6 hours of cali, then an hour's drive home. I don't have time for a proper dinner, and I ALWAYS make bad choices. I don't know what the solution is, but I need to work something out...

And that's it!

The last 10 days... It's been 10 days?

I can't believe it's been 10 days since I last posted. What's happened in the last 10 days? Not a lot, to be honest. I've been trying to get my 10,000 steps each day, and have been quite successful. On average, I'm over the 10,000 with a couple of 12-15,000 days thrown in to balance out the quiet days.

I'm back in my old job, which means less stress, and less commitment. It also means less work, which is very boring now that I'm back. I have dropped many a hint to my superiors about how much I loved the work I was doing, and how I am very willing to do whatever it takes to secure a position (or even casual tasks) that would involve me using my brain for more than 20 minutes each day. I may have even used those words, so less of a hint and more of a plea... but hopefully it'll resonate with someone, and they'll take pity on me and give me some cool shit to do.

Anyway, I've realised that I am kind of wasting my time there, but I feel like I can't resign due to the wedding/honeymoon extravaganza and the impending baby boom not being friendly to a prospective employer. I can stick it out for a year or so, if I know there is light at the end of the tunnel (babies!!) and the possibility of a few less mind-numbing tasks in the meantime.

Health-wise, I'm turning over a new page. We bought a new set of scales, I'm weighing in on Monday. I'm switching my weigh-in day from Wednesday to Monday (because I LOVE to use the weekend as an excuse that I have two days left before weigh-in and any damage caused can be undone or made up for in two days) and have made a rash commitment at work to not buy my lunch AT ALL during the months of September and October, beginning Monday. There's a bonus week of August thrown in there, but I couldn't let myself get away with lunch out every day next week. My weight has been slowly creeping up for the past month or so, only a few hundred grams at a time... but those few hundred grams add up to kilos in no time.

I've been loving my walks along the beachfront near work each morning, P!nk blaring in my ears, wind blowing in my face, smiling at all the fit people jogging along and trying not to look scared of the dogs that are being walked along the same path. The plan for the next few weeks is to continue walking along the beach (6.5kms, just over an hour) every morning, and then hit the gym in the evenings a couple of times a week. Coming into spring and summer the days will be longer, and I'll be able to walk around the streets here again at night which I'm looking forward to. It's very easy to press the stop button on the treadmill, but not so easy to stop walking on the street. I mean, I could stop, but I'd be no closer to home and I'd be sitting in the gutter...

... and we don't want to be sitting in the gutter now, do we?

It's hard to be good...

... and I'm not doing it very well. I'm awesome at exercising. My average daily step count is on the rise, but my calorie count is too. Grr... I'm making terrible choices, and I can't explain why. I know exactly what I'm doing, and deep down I don't WANT to do it, but I just can't seem to break my bad habits. I don't want it badly enough to not do it.

I know I don't have many regular readers... but please... give me your top tip?

So far so good. Maybe??

Every morning this week, I've got up early, put on my gym clothes, and headed for the treadmill. I've walked for an hour. Then I've headed home, showered, changed, and gone to work. 4 mornings in a row. That HAS to be a record.

Unfortunately, I've also eaten badly, and the walking hasn't cancelled it out. I HAVE, however, been having a visit from old Mrs Monthly - she's hanging around and pissing me off, cramping, making me feel gross and forcing me to eat crap. I hope she's gone soon. Really soon.

I want to not have this excuse. I'm really good at using it, for a quarter of the month. That's probably about 6 days too much...

The final day of Round 2 of the 12WBT 2013.

Ahh, a day to reflect.

Today is the last day I can access stuff on the 12WBT site, and I've decided not to sign up for the next round. I panicked this afternoon and almost signed up, but I couldn't justify it, either to myself, or to the voices in my head telling me to do it. I did, however, go through the PDFs I have saved on my laptop and add the recipes from this round that weren't yet saved. Hey, I paid good money for this program, and I'm going to get my money's worth!

What have I learned over the last 12 months with Michelle Bridges? Fuckloads. Excuse my language, but I have learned SO much. About nutrition, about exercise, about myself. Most importantly, I learned that I am enough. I can do this on my own. It's going to be hard, but I can do it. So, funnily enough, I returned to the 'Preseason Tasks' that Mish lays out for her followers before every Round. I thought about what I want to do, how I'm going to get there, and why I'm worth the work. It's important to set goals and have a plan to achieve them.

What are my goals? Well, I'm taking a reality check. Every round I've done of 12WBT, I've set realistic but slightly out of reach goals. And I'm yet to achieve 99% of them... so this time, I'm keeping it real. I've got my food and exercise data for the last 2 months, and I've set a fairly reachable target of slightly better than the average of the last 2 months. Haha. My daily calories after exercise are around 1650 (average for the last two months), and my daily step count average is around 6500. My goals for August:

Have a daily net calorie average of 1500
Have a daily average step count of 8000

These goals are measurable. They're specific. They're reachable. If the last 12 months have shown me anything, it's that I set goals, and I lose motivation to follow through. I make grand statements about what I'm going to do, and I genuinely have the intention to follow through at the time. But I can't sustain it. I can't LIVE like that for the rest of my life. I won't exercise and eat well EVERY SINGLE MINUTE for the rest of my life. But I can commit to doing it to the best of my ability MOST of the time.

Can do.

When the bug gets you...

...Sometimes you have to give in to the bug!

I'm sick. Not dying, just sick. Snotty, sniffly, headachey. No body aches just yet, and no strange sweats, so it could be worse! The timing, however, could not be worse.

One of the ladies in the other office is on leave, and so I'm taking care of some of her duties for 3 weeks. It's a big step up, and a chance to prove myself to my manager's manager. It's a big opportunity that I've been asking for in my last 3 performance reviews. I started training last week, and yesterday (Monday) was my last day with Carol. She left this morning for Europe.

Anyway.. I started feeling crap on Friday, and over the weekend, got worse. We had our annual Bunnings fundraiser sausage sizzle on Sunday, which I spent the whole day at (money girl for me... no germs on the snags!) so didn't rest as much as I should have. I got up bright and early Monday morning, and headed into work. At 10am, they sent me home. I was sniffing, coughing, and wiping my eyes for a good two hours, and it was decided that I shouldn't be there. On my last day of training, with hesitation, I went home.

And slept! Monday is my big day - work from 7-3, straight to cali to coach, then straight to my own class, finishing at 10pm, home by 11:30pm, in bed (hopefully) by midnight, ready to get up at 6 again. Yesterday though, I slept from 10:30 until 2:30, then headed off to cali. I got home late, and slept in again this morning.

The good news is that today went a LOT more smoothly. I worked the whole day (with my box of tissues beside me!), came home, went to the gym for an easy stroll on the hill program on the treadmill, and had a good dinner. I feel a lot better for sleeping yesterday, even if it made today at work a little more difficult, having 1 less day to practice the complicated spreadsheet with assistance.

I didn't want to give in to the bug and go home, but I HAD to. Today, I was much better for it, having shortened my very long Monday, sleeping properly last night, and taking it a bit easier today. I probably could have gone harder at the gym, but I think I would have ruined myself for tomorrow. Time to take it easy!!

See you on the other side, final weigh in for 12WBT tomorrow. I've decided not to sign up for the next round, but to stay connected with the Facebook group that I joined a few rounds ago to keep up with weigh-ins and timelines with them. 125 days until the wedding!!!

Smuggy McSmugsmug

That's me.

Tonight, I was at the gym, on the cross-trainer (or elliptical, or whatever it's called), 'jogging' away to my favourite tunes. My fancy-pants fiance was on the tready beside me, and we were workin' it. 30 minutes in to a 60 minute workout (of which he was only doing 30 minutes), he increased his time to the 60 to keep me company. What a gem. I felt totally loved and supported, and to be honest, completely effing amazing. In the reflection of the gym's window, I could see my red face. My heaving chest. My sweaty hair. My collarbones :)

Then, a delicious aroma wafted up to the cross-trainer on my left. A quick glance in the reflection revealed a VERY buff gentleman. Woohoo! Went my inner flirt. Sweating it out between two hotties!! The delicious aroma was quickly followed by the stench of cigarette smoke. Mr Buff is a smoker. Ew. Gross. A quick sneaky-peek at the air freshener's timer revealed I had only 5 minutes of torture before the lemony-bubblegum scent was released. Phew!

I took that 5 minutes to really concentrate on myself. Concentrate on keeping up my RPM, my heart rate, and enjoying the music. And then poof... lemony-bubblegum filled the air and I was back in sweaty heaven. Mr Buff was breathing REALLY heavily. I looked over at his display, and his heart rate was at about 145bpm. Mine was going strong at 148bpm. Then I checked his resistance to see just how hard he was pushing himself.... AND IT WAS ON 1!!! 1!!!! Mine is 10, minimum. Sometimes 15. Check his RPM. 63. Mine was 65. So he had been going for 5 minutes, on resistance level 1, at 65 RPM, and his heart rate was climbing to 150 bpm. I had been going for almost 40 minutes, on resistance level 10-12, at 65 RPM, and my heart rate was still in the mid 140s. Could I possibly be more fit than this muscle-bound hunk of a man?

YES, KELLY. YOU ARE. You're not stronger than him, if we're looking at brute muscle strength, but your heart is strong. Your will is strong. Your legs are strong. These things will carry you through life.

60 minutes ended, he was heaving away with a racing heart (over 165bpm!), and I was glowing. A quick smooch with my beloved, and we headed out the door.

This is why I do this to myself. This is why I continue to go to the gym, continue to challenge my cravings, continue to value my self-worth. Little moments like these, when a buff body-builder-type makes me feel small for just an instant, and then I realise that I AM HEALTHY, and, finally, I AM HAPPY.

Love yourself, and others will love you. I am proof that they will.

Lazy Wednesday? Maybe not!

This afternoon we got home from work, and Dave said the magic words. 'I can't be bothered going to the gym tonight'. Woohoo!! No gym!!

But. I. Have. Hardly. Moved. Today. Seriously, 2,000 steps on my fitbit are not enough, especially when my goal is 10,000. What is a girl to do? I couldn't be arsed going to the gym. We ate dinner early (done and dusted by 7pm) and then I settled in for a night of couch time. An hour later, I realised I still was no closer to my 10,000 steps.

So I got up, off my arse, and walked on the spot. Sometimes I jogged, sometimes I marched, sometimes I just jiggled up and down like a loony. It's 9:24pm, and I'm done. 10,023 steps. I'm not sweating like a pig, but my legs are pinging, which means I must have done SOMETHING. I haven't burned 6 million calories, but I've burned a few more than two hours of sitting on the couch would have.

My weigh in this morning was better than I expected - I lost 200g. With the week I've had, it's nothing short of a miracle. Maybe making Mum walk around Chadstone and taking it easy at breakky and lunch so I could still have sinful snacks all day was worth it. I can't wait until Friday night, and the next LnE delivery. I've been making do with whatever leftovers I had in the freezer and it's been difficult to stick to good food. I've succumbed to the Fundraising Freddos on more than one occasion this week. I know I'll never stick to LnE 100%, but 90% is definitely better than nothing.

I need to remember that the crap food will always be here. I can actually eat it whenever I want. But do I really want it? Or can I have it another day? Am I going to feel any better for having it, or am I going to feel better eating proper food? It will all be worth it when the wedding dress needs to be taken in, and the ski hire place in Canada doesn't look at me wondering if they can squeeze me into clothing for the snow. It will be worth it when my knees stop clicking, my stretch marks are empty, and my stomach is flatter. It will be worth it when my stomach swells with life, rather than a food baby. It will be worth it when I'm healthier, fitter, and shinier!!

Stuck.

Right now I'm stuck. Stuck in a rut of having a binge and then trying to work it off. I don't know why. I just am. I don't want to do it, yet I find myself doing it. I'm giving in to all my little cravings. I suppose I can take something away from it - I'm trying to work it off. I don't know why I can't just say no, and work off what I've already done to my body.

I've got plans for it, this body of mine. Why can't my head get with the program?

A little holiday!

I had a little holiday with my Mum this week. Every year we go away to the Nationals for Calisthenics. The competition is held in a different state every year, and we go away for the week and watch the best Cali girls in the country. This year, it was held in Melbourne, which is a bit disappointing, because we couldn't go away :(

Mum booked a motel room anyway, and we went on holiday. She came and picked me up, we checked in, we walked the streets of Melbourne, we shopped, we saw a movie, and we saw some Calisthenics. It was a lovely break.

We also ate. A lot. Not hideous amounts, like previous years, but still more that we should have. It was a little counterbalanced by the walking we did, but not completely. I loved the Maltesers, the Pods, the lollies, the cookies. And I think I've eaten just about enough of them to last me a little while! There'll be no snacking on crap this week - we've got dinner with Dave's Mum on Friday or Saturday, and I'll look forward to that treat meal, knowing that I've eaten whatever I wanted this past week.

I just need to keep events or treats on the horizon so I know when I'll be able to splurge - that'll stop me from going crazy every day!!

The Biggest Lollie Shop in the World!

I went there today. I was like a heroin addict. My mouth was watering, my eyes couldn't take it all in. I wanted to grab one of everything and spend the rest of the day on the couch in a sugar coma. Oh, what I would have given to do that...

We were there because we're doing lolly bags for the wedding. I LOVE lolly bags. They're my favourite part of any party, and I'm not getting married without them! We bought the boxes for them yesterday, and I wanted to price the lollies and see what sort of variety we could get in there. It turns out there isn't much out there (the shop was big, but full of a lot of crap), but they had all of my favourites. We DID NOT DARE buy everything we need now - mainly because there is no way I'm having a house full of lollies for six months and not eating them!! We walked out of there with a Kit Kat and a Chomp and we enjoyed the shit out of them after lunch.

Earlier today, we went to Comic-Con. That was funny. Dave was on a massive high beforehand, he was excited at what memorabilia he would be buying. We set a budget, and went in. Some people are REALLY into dressing up. We saw a guy dressed like this on the way in...

And also a lot more leotards than I would have expected. On men. We had a good time looking at all the stuff on each display - and it turns out it wasn't what Dave expected in terms of what would be there, so we didn't buy anything. We had plenty of time to go to the lolly shop, so that's where we ended up.

I realised something when we were there. The old me would have spent about $100, taken my big bag of sugary goodness home, and demolished it within a few hours. As I stared at the endless shelves of deliciousness, I realised that I am NOT prepared to do the work that is required to work them off. I want the work that I am doing to work off my past binges, not my future ones. I fully intend to start 2014 with a healthy mind and body, not just pretend to like I usually do. I'm going to be an awesome wife (I'm a pretty awesome girlfriend who went to Comic-Con with her boyfriend, even though she wasn't really into it, but secretly wanted to be...) when I marry the man of my dreams on the last day of 2013. I don't want to be marrying him in this body, well, I do, but just not the whole body as it is now.  A little less of it would be good.

So all the work I'm doing at the gym, refusing to give in to cravings, jogging on the spot like a mad woman when I go to the loo at work... it'll pay off. And then I can eat ALL THE LOLLIES at the wedding. Just for one night :)

Flexing my willpower muscle!

3 days! I've had 3 days of no junk! It's almost a miracle!

3 days of good food, and good exercise, and I am feeling good. A little hungry, but good. I'd forgotten that people are meant to feel hungry. That hunger is the sign of needing to eat, the sign that a meal is due. That we should probably feel a bit hungry a few times a day - not ravenous, but hungry. I read something the other day about rapid weight loss, and the doctor they were interviewing said that it was okay for morbidly obese people to feel a little bit hungry. Now, I'm no longer morbidly obese, but I am still obese, and lately I haven't been feeling hungry at all. I need to learn to recognise the difference between hunger and boredom. I tend to eat because I need a distraction or something to do. I get bored at work and think about all the things I could eat, and then I get fixated on them.

I had a pretty powerful moment last night, before heading out to the gym. I decided I needed to be honest with Dave. For the last 3 weeks or so, I've been finishing work early, heading off to Coles and Baker's Delight, and having a little feast in the car before picking him up. Chocolate, bread, lollies, chips, cake, whatever took my fancy on the day. Sometimes it's a lot of food, sometimes just one chocolate bar. But the important thing is, IT WAS SECRET. After putting on 2 kilos in the last 3 weeks, I CAN'T deny it anymore.

So I told Dave what I have been doing. He, as usual, was amazing. He encouraged me to talk to him when I feel like I need to do this. He didn't tell me off, but he did tell me that I was being silly in self sabotaging. And then we agreed on what we need to do moving forward. I have committed to sticking to LnE FULLY for July. This includes one treat meal a week, which is helpful as I will have something to look forward to on a Friday night. I have also committed to at least 3 gym sessions a week. At this point, I don't care WHAT I do at the gym, just that I go. I still want to run, and I will! Possibly not on the schedule that I would like (3x a week), but I WILL run.

I'm breaking out of the funk, one day at a time. I'm flexing the willpower muscle on more occasions each day than I would like, but saying no mostly feels good. I just think about what I've felt like for the past 3 weeks, the nausea, the stomach aches, the terrible toilet experiences - and how I don't want to feel like that any more. How I feel when I eat well and exercise well, is how I want to feel all the time.

I don't want to be a fat bride in December. I don't want to be someone who loses sh*tloads of weight for their wedding, only to put it all back on, but I do want to have a significant change between now and then. It's possible, and it will be hard, but the payoffs will definitely outweigh the costs. A fantastic wedding day, fun-filled honeymoon, and then a healthy body to carry babies and be an awesome mum. I need to think about these things when I feel like giving in to a craving, and decide whether the 3 seconds of pleasure will be worth putting off my dreams for a few days. 6 months is gonna FLY....

When you don't want to, but you know you have to.

You just do it.

You have to.

There isn't really a choice, is there?

It's awesome having Dave with me at the gym. Tonight, I didn't want to go. I REALLY didn't want to go. He made me, and I'm glad. 'Babe... we have to... even if we just walk for half an hour, then we can say we did something'. That's all we did, walk for half an hour, but we did it. I nearly made my 10,000 steps from a combo of getting my ass up from my desk a few extra times today and the walk at the gym. I've got about 1000 to go, and I'm going to do those as soon as I finish this blog.

A friend posted on her blog today that she needs to stop losing weight, instead she needs to start finding her life. If I knew how to do fancy links, I would do that, but I don't. Hang on, there's a button that says 'link'... let me try something....

Dani, I think I did it!

Ok, so there was the post that made me tear up a little. Bare truth. Heart-wrenching, soul searching, naked. Truth. All of us have these things that we cloak ourselves with, to hide the truth. I'm going to take a leaf out of Dani's book, and REALLY aim to give you all MY truth.

In many ways, my life is really like the title of this blog. I don't want to, but I know I have to. I don't want to give up daily treats, tasty food, indulgence. But I have to. Not forever, but for now. I don't like it, but it has to happen. I also have to give up my idea that exercising gives me the right to buy one of everything at the supermarket and gorge myself on it. I have to acknowledge that I have a problem with food, and that, in time, food and I can be friends.

I have to understand that the way I've been living for the last 10 years IS NOT THE WAY NORMAL PEOPLE LIVE. Sure, the 'skinny' people at work 'eat whatever they want'. They look good. They actually don't eat whatever they want. They eat what they want SOMETIMES. They walk to work, or exercise outside of work.

I have to keep reminding myself that one slip-up does not mean the end, but also that one good day does not mean I can follow with 3 sugar-laden days to celebrate. I have been wasting so much time eating food that makes me ill, just for a few seconds of pleasure.

I don't want to die. I don't want to become immobile due to diabetes, heart disease, or simply because my legs cannot hold me up. I'm nowhere near these possibilities right now, but I could be, in a few year's time, if things don't change.

I need to start living.

Funk funk funkety funk

Yep. I'm in one!

I ran tonight for 9 minutes, and I felt good until I wanted to vomit. But that was probably due to the afternoon gorge on cheese and bread. After getting home and logging it on MFP, I discovered that I didn't do too badly after all, still up on the day, but negated a little by the running and walking at the gym. Also the walk I did on break earlier today.

Weigh in this week was up 1kg. Ew. Gross. I have consumed roughly two day's worth of calories in chocolate in the last few days though, so it is thoroughly deserved. I've decided to loosen the reins a little until June 30 - mainly because I am feeling deprived lately and when I think 'I can't have that' I want it more. So I'm having 'whatever' that is for a few days more, and then I'm back into it.

I've decided not to join the next round, and go it on my own again for a little while. I'm sorted with my running plan (shh... downloaded the 10k plan from this round to sneaky peak at!) for a while now, and I feel good at the gym with Dave's support. It's easier to push yourself when there's someone right there beside you. He is doing so so well with everything right now, and while it's a bit of a kick in the guts when he loses every week, I know it's because he's following the plan and doing all the right things, while I sit in the car waiting to pick him up from work munching on munchies....

I'm not completely giving in, I'm just having a rest.

In personal news, this wedding shite is stressful. Really stressful. Things are coming together now, but I'm also trying to sell my share of a family trust in property investment (only to my parents thank goodness, but still stressful) and work out some petty shite at work, so all combined it's just a little too much for me right now. I'm sure this time next week I'll be back on my happy wagon, so I'm letting the wallow happen.

Not to the point where I've got to break out my fat pants though. Definitely not that far!!

Just because you miss one session, doesn't mean...

... you have to quit!

Last night, Dave and I went to the gym. Date night! Haha - he joined on the weekend and we went together. I showed him how to use the treadmill, and we went for it.

Now last week, I did 0 gym sessions. No cardio, no weights, no stretching. I debated whether to go back and do Week 5 of the exercise program, or to continue on to Week 6. Week 5 running intervals were 2:30 running and 2:00 walking, Week 6 were 3:00 running, 2:00 walking. Fuck it. I'll just do Week 6.

And I did. 6 times through, 30 minutes. Dave even got on board on one interval and we ran together for 3 minutes. It felt good. I know I've always had his support, but it was nice to have him running and walking next to me. It was also nice that I burned 150 more calories than he did, and went 1km further just because I ran more often. I AM FIT. I am getting better at breathing. My legs are stronger.

When we were done I made him do stretches with me and we giggled together because he is NOT flexible at all, and kept falling over. He commented that now he knows why I come home all red and sweaty from the gym - I actually do what I say and work my butt off for the time that I'm there. A part of me thinks he thought I was pretending to go, or just strolling along on the treadmill for a few minutes. It's good to show him that I have been working hard.

Weights session tonight!

One week off doesn't have to spell the end. It's only the beginning.

It's been a roller coaster!

This week has been HECTIC, but I'll make this short.

Positives:
- Weigh in was good, down 800g. Still not back to where I should be, but down nonetheless.
- I've eaten well, not perfect, but we'll, given the circumstances.
- Work picked up, things are going well with the project I'm working on, and I'm enjoying my days a lot more now that things have calmed down.
- Dave joined the gym! I'll have a buddy!
- I caught up with friends I haven't seen in a few weeks, since my birthday. I've been neglecting some of my friends due to travel time now that I've moved away, and it felt good to catch up.
- We set a date for the wedding!  We've just got some forms to fill out to make sure we get the date we want for the ceremony, but I'm positive it will all work out.

Negatives:
- I've succumbed to temptation more than once this week.
- I haven't exercised once, because of all the traveling around.
- Despite all the positives, I don't feel positive at the moment. I don't know how to shift this mindset, but I do know that I need to take next week as a new starting point. Get back on board with the nutrition, get back on board with the exercise, get back on board with the mindset. Focus on the videos, the lessons. Revisit my goals, and set some new ones with wedding time lines.

I can do this. I'm worth it.

It's been a week?

It can't have been a week! Surely not!

It has. I've exercised well. I've eaten fairly decently. It's weigh in tomorrow morning, and while I'm not expecting a massive loss, I am expecting to be less than last week, and crossing my fingers for a number lower than the week before. I know that will be difficult, but I still dream!

I know I haven't done what it takes to lose sh*tloads this week, but I have done at least enough to lose SOMETHING. I guess we'll see in the morning!

Turnaround Thursday

Sneaky weigh in this morning had me down from yesterday, so there'll be no more weigh in until Wednesday. We ate fairly well today, but had Maccas for lunch because we were on the road. I didn't go to the gym, as I'm exhausted from all that driving (we were in the car for 5 hours today!). I know it's no excuse, and that I should, but I'll be in bed extremely early tonight, and will do what I can tomorrow.

I just thought I would update this blog with a bit of positivity.

Weighed Down Wednesday

This morning's weigh in was not good, but was a reflection of my mood and mindset over the last few days. If I'm going to be honest, I've let myself slip on too many occasions over the last few weeks and it's finally catching up with me on the scale, and in the way I feel about myself.

I know what I need to do to fix this, in theory. I just don't know that I am strong enough in my mindset to do it right now. In fact, I know I'm not. This too will pass, I'll be back on my game soon. But for now, I'm allowing myself the wallowing time to feel guilty for what I have done to myself. I'm trying not to slip further down the road, to hold on to the edge of the cliff with a strong grip.

The plan tonight is to do yesterday's and today's gym sessions. Tomorrow night will be the 4 week fitness test, and the session for Wednesday as I run a day behind. Food today is only LnE. Food tomorrow will be strange as we're going to Dave's grandmother's funeral and can't heat our LnE lunch. I'm not sure what we'll do then, but I'm thinking just make the best choice from what's available.

I will weigh again tomorrow morning, just to make sure that the gain is true - 1.4kg in a week is RIDICULOUS and while I haven't eaten that many excess calories, I haven't been doing myself any favours. I won't record the weight, but I will weigh, just for peace of mind.