Kelly Loves Cali: Henny Things :)

This weekend was my hen's party. I had a ball, doing exactly what I wanted. It didn't involve strippers or a wild night out. It did, however, involve frilly undies, 'The Little Mermaid' and a lovely dinner out with family and friends.

The Little Mermaid isn't anything like I remembered - the last time I watched it I was 8 years old, it was my birthday party, and it was my first sleepover. I remember crying when Ariel got her voice back and got her prince. I don't remember all the scary stuff though... that movie is SCARY!! Ursula is horrible, there are storms galore, Triton destroys Ariel's room of treasures, and then everyone shrivels up and gets turned into worms. How did I LOVE this movie at 8 years old? It makes me think about how we remember things. We choose to remember things the way we want to, and forget all the stuff that makes us uncomfortable.

My life is a little bit like that. I remember the way I feel when I eat certain foods. I choose to forget the way it affects my body, both in the immediate and in the future. Uncomfortable moments in the toilet are forgotten. Jeans too tight are a distant memory. Constantly being disappointed when I have to buy bigger clothes and pretending that it's the manufacturers who are making the clothes smaller, not me who is getting bigger.

I'm so sick of the up and down of this 'journey'. It's not a journey, it's just life. I wish I could be more consistent, instead of all or nothing, but I'm not. I'm either starving or binging. I'm not ever just 'sensible'. I saw a girl today who I haven't seen for a few months. She hurt her hip and was bigger than me due to lack of movement. She's been in and out of hospital all year having operations and rehab and all of that crap, yet she stood in front of me looking absolutely stunning. She's lost a crapload of weight in the last few months, and I am so jealous.

I then had my hair trial this afternoon, and my hairdresser is also her hairdresser. I mentioned the transformation, and she just laughed and shook her head. 'You know how she did it, don't you?' she asked. 'No! Tell me the secret!' I pleaded. 'She just didn't eat. At all. And spent 3 hours a day in the gym. At least. And then SOMETIMES she would treat herself with a chai latte.'

I can't do that. How can I do that?

My worst fear came true. My dress doesn't fit. It's fixable though, and we find out on the weekend how they'll do it - I'm pretty sure they'll remove the zip and put in extra material to make a lace-up down the back. We measured everything though, and it seems the dress wasn't made to the measurements that were taken, it's about 2 inches too small in the waist. It's not my fault, but I feel like the biggest fatty regardless.

In spite of my current mood, I enjoyed my Hen's Day. I had my friends and family there, I ate, drank, and was merry. I had my makeup trial that morning so looked gorgeous and the dress I was wearing makes me feel amazing. I put everything behind me (as well as the sneaky weigh-in that had me a few kgs up... kgs!!) and just had fun. I plan on getting married only once, so this is my one chance to be the Hen. I don't want to be missing out on having fun because I'm trying not to eat or drink - that's not living.

I've got a couple of things going on this week, a few things that are going to be quite challenging emotionally (gotta get my big girl panties out, suck it up, and deal with it!), a few dinners out that I'll have to be careful with... but at some point, I've just got to stop making excuses for why this is so hard for me and just eat right and exercise consistently. That's all I have to do. Why can't I do it?

Leaving you with a pic of the Hen. Cheers!