Henny Things :)

This weekend was my hen's party. I had a ball, doing exactly what I wanted. It didn't involve strippers or a wild night out. It did, however, involve frilly undies, 'The Little Mermaid' and a lovely dinner out with family and friends.

The Little Mermaid isn't anything like I remembered - the last time I watched it I was 8 years old, it was my birthday party, and it was my first sleepover. I remember crying when Ariel got her voice back and got her prince. I don't remember all the scary stuff though... that movie is SCARY!! Ursula is horrible, there are storms galore, Triton destroys Ariel's room of treasures, and then everyone shrivels up and gets turned into worms. How did I LOVE this movie at 8 years old? It makes me think about how we remember things. We choose to remember things the way we want to, and forget all the stuff that makes us uncomfortable.

My life is a little bit like that. I remember the way I feel when I eat certain foods. I choose to forget the way it affects my body, both in the immediate and in the future. Uncomfortable moments in the toilet are forgotten. Jeans too tight are a distant memory. Constantly being disappointed when I have to buy bigger clothes and pretending that it's the manufacturers who are making the clothes smaller, not me who is getting bigger.

I'm so sick of the up and down of this 'journey'. It's not a journey, it's just life. I wish I could be more consistent, instead of all or nothing, but I'm not. I'm either starving or binging. I'm not ever just 'sensible'. I saw a girl today who I haven't seen for a few months. She hurt her hip and was bigger than me due to lack of movement. She's been in and out of hospital all year having operations and rehab and all of that crap, yet she stood in front of me looking absolutely stunning. She's lost a crapload of weight in the last few months, and I am so jealous.

I then had my hair trial this afternoon, and my hairdresser is also her hairdresser. I mentioned the transformation, and she just laughed and shook her head. 'You know how she did it, don't you?' she asked. 'No! Tell me the secret!' I pleaded. 'She just didn't eat. At all. And spent 3 hours a day in the gym. At least. And then SOMETIMES she would treat herself with a chai latte.'

I can't do that. How can I do that?

My worst fear came true. My dress doesn't fit. It's fixable though, and we find out on the weekend how they'll do it - I'm pretty sure they'll remove the zip and put in extra material to make a lace-up down the back. We measured everything though, and it seems the dress wasn't made to the measurements that were taken, it's about 2 inches too small in the waist. It's not my fault, but I feel like the biggest fatty regardless.

In spite of my current mood, I enjoyed my Hen's Day. I had my friends and family there, I ate, drank, and was merry. I had my makeup trial that morning so looked gorgeous and the dress I was wearing makes me feel amazing. I put everything behind me (as well as the sneaky weigh-in that had me a few kgs up... kgs!!) and just had fun. I plan on getting married only once, so this is my one chance to be the Hen. I don't want to be missing out on having fun because I'm trying not to eat or drink - that's not living.

I've got a couple of things going on this week, a few things that are going to be quite challenging emotionally (gotta get my big girl panties out, suck it up, and deal with it!), a few dinners out that I'll have to be careful with... but at some point, I've just got to stop making excuses for why this is so hard for me and just eat right and exercise consistently. That's all I have to do. Why can't I do it?

Leaving you with a pic of the Hen. Cheers!

And then the champagne made me rowdy...

The spread was fantastic:

Geez, my mum puts on a good party :) And I wonder why I think food and drink make me happy.... because they do!!!

A blur.

That's what the last 10 days have been. A blur. In a haze of moving, and final performances, and wedding preparation, I've been trying to get back on track. It hasn't really been working, because I've put on a couple of kilos in the last few weeks. Not too many, but enough to give me a bit of a wake-up call. Enough to make me want to snap out of this 'plateau' that is actually just me being really slack, and not really a plateau at all.

Tomorrow, I try on my dress for the first time. I'm scared. What if it doesn't fit? What if it's too small and the dressmaker can't fix it? What if I've spent $3000 on something that I cannot wear? I know it won't be out by much - I'm the same weight as I was when I first went to the bridal shop, but it doesn't make it any easier to believe that it will be okay. There's nothing I can do about it now, though.

Life is almost back to normal - we're pretty much moved in, Dave will be back at work Monday, and I'm back on LnE full time. I'm committed to not being persuaded to head over to the cafe at lunchtime. I can't say I'll be strong enough not to have takeaway for dinner if Dave chooses to, or to not have chocolate, but I will be strong enough to say no to this one thing. This is not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.

I also have slacked off on the exercise - averaging about 4000 steps a day, which is far shy of the 10,000 minimum I was getting just a few months ago. Gym has to come before couch, every day. It HAS to.

I thought about registering for 12WBT again, but I can't do that for the rest of my life. I have to just do this. Just live. Make wise choices, say no sometimes, say yes sometimes, and EXPERIENCE life. It's hard, but it can be done. It will be done.

You've got to accentuate the positive,

Eliminate the negative,
Latch on to the affirmative...

It's amazing what a difference a change in attitude makes. Dave is home. We have an amazing house to move into. Yes, I'm doing this all on my own, but I AM CAPABLE of doing this all on my own. I have had countless offers of help from friends and family, and I am eternally grateful for all of their support. I'm yet to take anyone up on their offers, but it's good to know that the help is only a phone call away if I need it.

After Dave was released from hospital on Thursday, things in my world started looking better. I spent the evening hatching the game plan for the move, thought it all through, and felt a lot better going to bed. Friday morning, we went to the Real Estate Agents and Dave signed his part of the lease and the rest of the paperwork. We got the keys, and I dropped him at home before heading to the house to complete the inspection. After that, I went to work. I'd had enough time off, and felt ridiculously guilty I put in a few hours there before my boss (who is extremely understanding) decided I'd done enough and sent me home again.

Saturday I followed the plan to a tee, packing and moving a lot of our stuff by the carload. Today I was able to move a little, and even found time to go shopping for a dress for my boss's wedding/the work Xmas party. I was super impressed to walk into City Chic (a big-girl's shop!) and have to buy the XS in a dress. I know their sizing is extremely generous and made to make big girls feel smaller - and all of this psychology worked a treat on me this afternoon! Last year, I weighed the same as I do now, and my dress was a little bigger. Part of the change is the added strength training from the earlier part of this year. Part of it is that I now feel comfortable in figure-hugging clothes.

I'm not going to hide behind layers any more. Bigger isn't always better. I have a waist. I need to embrace it, show it off. Inspire myself to improve my body and my mind so that my strength shines through.

No matter what the world throws at me, I am strong.