When the bug gets you...

...Sometimes you have to give in to the bug!

I'm sick. Not dying, just sick. Snotty, sniffly, headachey. No body aches just yet, and no strange sweats, so it could be worse! The timing, however, could not be worse.

One of the ladies in the other office is on leave, and so I'm taking care of some of her duties for 3 weeks. It's a big step up, and a chance to prove myself to my manager's manager. It's a big opportunity that I've been asking for in my last 3 performance reviews. I started training last week, and yesterday (Monday) was my last day with Carol. She left this morning for Europe.

Anyway.. I started feeling crap on Friday, and over the weekend, got worse. We had our annual Bunnings fundraiser sausage sizzle on Sunday, which I spent the whole day at (money girl for me... no germs on the snags!) so didn't rest as much as I should have. I got up bright and early Monday morning, and headed into work. At 10am, they sent me home. I was sniffing, coughing, and wiping my eyes for a good two hours, and it was decided that I shouldn't be there. On my last day of training, with hesitation, I went home.

And slept! Monday is my big day - work from 7-3, straight to cali to coach, then straight to my own class, finishing at 10pm, home by 11:30pm, in bed (hopefully) by midnight, ready to get up at 6 again. Yesterday though, I slept from 10:30 until 2:30, then headed off to cali. I got home late, and slept in again this morning.

The good news is that today went a LOT more smoothly. I worked the whole day (with my box of tissues beside me!), came home, went to the gym for an easy stroll on the hill program on the treadmill, and had a good dinner. I feel a lot better for sleeping yesterday, even if it made today at work a little more difficult, having 1 less day to practice the complicated spreadsheet with assistance.

I didn't want to give in to the bug and go home, but I HAD to. Today, I was much better for it, having shortened my very long Monday, sleeping properly last night, and taking it a bit easier today. I probably could have gone harder at the gym, but I think I would have ruined myself for tomorrow. Time to take it easy!!

See you on the other side, final weigh in for 12WBT tomorrow. I've decided not to sign up for the next round, but to stay connected with the Facebook group that I joined a few rounds ago to keep up with weigh-ins and timelines with them. 125 days until the wedding!!!

Smuggy McSmugsmug

That's me.

Tonight, I was at the gym, on the cross-trainer (or elliptical, or whatever it's called), 'jogging' away to my favourite tunes. My fancy-pants fiance was on the tready beside me, and we were workin' it. 30 minutes in to a 60 minute workout (of which he was only doing 30 minutes), he increased his time to the 60 to keep me company. What a gem. I felt totally loved and supported, and to be honest, completely effing amazing. In the reflection of the gym's window, I could see my red face. My heaving chest. My sweaty hair. My collarbones :)

Then, a delicious aroma wafted up to the cross-trainer on my left. A quick glance in the reflection revealed a VERY buff gentleman. Woohoo! Went my inner flirt. Sweating it out between two hotties!! The delicious aroma was quickly followed by the stench of cigarette smoke. Mr Buff is a smoker. Ew. Gross. A quick sneaky-peek at the air freshener's timer revealed I had only 5 minutes of torture before the lemony-bubblegum scent was released. Phew!

I took that 5 minutes to really concentrate on myself. Concentrate on keeping up my RPM, my heart rate, and enjoying the music. And then poof... lemony-bubblegum filled the air and I was back in sweaty heaven. Mr Buff was breathing REALLY heavily. I looked over at his display, and his heart rate was at about 145bpm. Mine was going strong at 148bpm. Then I checked his resistance to see just how hard he was pushing himself.... AND IT WAS ON 1!!! 1!!!! Mine is 10, minimum. Sometimes 15. Check his RPM. 63. Mine was 65. So he had been going for 5 minutes, on resistance level 1, at 65 RPM, and his heart rate was climbing to 150 bpm. I had been going for almost 40 minutes, on resistance level 10-12, at 65 RPM, and my heart rate was still in the mid 140s. Could I possibly be more fit than this muscle-bound hunk of a man?

YES, KELLY. YOU ARE. You're not stronger than him, if we're looking at brute muscle strength, but your heart is strong. Your will is strong. Your legs are strong. These things will carry you through life.

60 minutes ended, he was heaving away with a racing heart (over 165bpm!), and I was glowing. A quick smooch with my beloved, and we headed out the door.

This is why I do this to myself. This is why I continue to go to the gym, continue to challenge my cravings, continue to value my self-worth. Little moments like these, when a buff body-builder-type makes me feel small for just an instant, and then I realise that I AM HEALTHY, and, finally, I AM HAPPY.

Love yourself, and others will love you. I am proof that they will.

Lazy Wednesday? Maybe not!

This afternoon we got home from work, and Dave said the magic words. 'I can't be bothered going to the gym tonight'. Woohoo!! No gym!!

But. I. Have. Hardly. Moved. Today. Seriously, 2,000 steps on my fitbit are not enough, especially when my goal is 10,000. What is a girl to do? I couldn't be arsed going to the gym. We ate dinner early (done and dusted by 7pm) and then I settled in for a night of couch time. An hour later, I realised I still was no closer to my 10,000 steps.

So I got up, off my arse, and walked on the spot. Sometimes I jogged, sometimes I marched, sometimes I just jiggled up and down like a loony. It's 9:24pm, and I'm done. 10,023 steps. I'm not sweating like a pig, but my legs are pinging, which means I must have done SOMETHING. I haven't burned 6 million calories, but I've burned a few more than two hours of sitting on the couch would have.

My weigh in this morning was better than I expected - I lost 200g. With the week I've had, it's nothing short of a miracle. Maybe making Mum walk around Chadstone and taking it easy at breakky and lunch so I could still have sinful snacks all day was worth it. I can't wait until Friday night, and the next LnE delivery. I've been making do with whatever leftovers I had in the freezer and it's been difficult to stick to good food. I've succumbed to the Fundraising Freddos on more than one occasion this week. I know I'll never stick to LnE 100%, but 90% is definitely better than nothing.

I need to remember that the crap food will always be here. I can actually eat it whenever I want. But do I really want it? Or can I have it another day? Am I going to feel any better for having it, or am I going to feel better eating proper food? It will all be worth it when the wedding dress needs to be taken in, and the ski hire place in Canada doesn't look at me wondering if they can squeeze me into clothing for the snow. It will be worth it when my knees stop clicking, my stretch marks are empty, and my stomach is flatter. It will be worth it when my stomach swells with life, rather than a food baby. It will be worth it when I'm healthier, fitter, and shinier!!

Stuck.

Right now I'm stuck. Stuck in a rut of having a binge and then trying to work it off. I don't know why. I just am. I don't want to do it, yet I find myself doing it. I'm giving in to all my little cravings. I suppose I can take something away from it - I'm trying to work it off. I don't know why I can't just say no, and work off what I've already done to my body.

I've got plans for it, this body of mine. Why can't my head get with the program?

A little holiday!

I had a little holiday with my Mum this week. Every year we go away to the Nationals for Calisthenics. The competition is held in a different state every year, and we go away for the week and watch the best Cali girls in the country. This year, it was held in Melbourne, which is a bit disappointing, because we couldn't go away :(

Mum booked a motel room anyway, and we went on holiday. She came and picked me up, we checked in, we walked the streets of Melbourne, we shopped, we saw a movie, and we saw some Calisthenics. It was a lovely break.

We also ate. A lot. Not hideous amounts, like previous years, but still more that we should have. It was a little counterbalanced by the walking we did, but not completely. I loved the Maltesers, the Pods, the lollies, the cookies. And I think I've eaten just about enough of them to last me a little while! There'll be no snacking on crap this week - we've got dinner with Dave's Mum on Friday or Saturday, and I'll look forward to that treat meal, knowing that I've eaten whatever I wanted this past week.

I just need to keep events or treats on the horizon so I know when I'll be able to splurge - that'll stop me from going crazy every day!!

The Biggest Lollie Shop in the World!

I went there today. I was like a heroin addict. My mouth was watering, my eyes couldn't take it all in. I wanted to grab one of everything and spend the rest of the day on the couch in a sugar coma. Oh, what I would have given to do that...

We were there because we're doing lolly bags for the wedding. I LOVE lolly bags. They're my favourite part of any party, and I'm not getting married without them! We bought the boxes for them yesterday, and I wanted to price the lollies and see what sort of variety we could get in there. It turns out there isn't much out there (the shop was big, but full of a lot of crap), but they had all of my favourites. We DID NOT DARE buy everything we need now - mainly because there is no way I'm having a house full of lollies for six months and not eating them!! We walked out of there with a Kit Kat and a Chomp and we enjoyed the shit out of them after lunch.

Earlier today, we went to Comic-Con. That was funny. Dave was on a massive high beforehand, he was excited at what memorabilia he would be buying. We set a budget, and went in. Some people are REALLY into dressing up. We saw a guy dressed like this on the way in...

And also a lot more leotards than I would have expected. On men. We had a good time looking at all the stuff on each display - and it turns out it wasn't what Dave expected in terms of what would be there, so we didn't buy anything. We had plenty of time to go to the lolly shop, so that's where we ended up.

I realised something when we were there. The old me would have spent about $100, taken my big bag of sugary goodness home, and demolished it within a few hours. As I stared at the endless shelves of deliciousness, I realised that I am NOT prepared to do the work that is required to work them off. I want the work that I am doing to work off my past binges, not my future ones. I fully intend to start 2014 with a healthy mind and body, not just pretend to like I usually do. I'm going to be an awesome wife (I'm a pretty awesome girlfriend who went to Comic-Con with her boyfriend, even though she wasn't really into it, but secretly wanted to be...) when I marry the man of my dreams on the last day of 2013. I don't want to be marrying him in this body, well, I do, but just not the whole body as it is now.  A little less of it would be good.

So all the work I'm doing at the gym, refusing to give in to cravings, jogging on the spot like a mad woman when I go to the loo at work... it'll pay off. And then I can eat ALL THE LOLLIES at the wedding. Just for one night :)

Flexing my willpower muscle!

3 days! I've had 3 days of no junk! It's almost a miracle!

3 days of good food, and good exercise, and I am feeling good. A little hungry, but good. I'd forgotten that people are meant to feel hungry. That hunger is the sign of needing to eat, the sign that a meal is due. That we should probably feel a bit hungry a few times a day - not ravenous, but hungry. I read something the other day about rapid weight loss, and the doctor they were interviewing said that it was okay for morbidly obese people to feel a little bit hungry. Now, I'm no longer morbidly obese, but I am still obese, and lately I haven't been feeling hungry at all. I need to learn to recognise the difference between hunger and boredom. I tend to eat because I need a distraction or something to do. I get bored at work and think about all the things I could eat, and then I get fixated on them.

I had a pretty powerful moment last night, before heading out to the gym. I decided I needed to be honest with Dave. For the last 3 weeks or so, I've been finishing work early, heading off to Coles and Baker's Delight, and having a little feast in the car before picking him up. Chocolate, bread, lollies, chips, cake, whatever took my fancy on the day. Sometimes it's a lot of food, sometimes just one chocolate bar. But the important thing is, IT WAS SECRET. After putting on 2 kilos in the last 3 weeks, I CAN'T deny it anymore.

So I told Dave what I have been doing. He, as usual, was amazing. He encouraged me to talk to him when I feel like I need to do this. He didn't tell me off, but he did tell me that I was being silly in self sabotaging. And then we agreed on what we need to do moving forward. I have committed to sticking to LnE FULLY for July. This includes one treat meal a week, which is helpful as I will have something to look forward to on a Friday night. I have also committed to at least 3 gym sessions a week. At this point, I don't care WHAT I do at the gym, just that I go. I still want to run, and I will! Possibly not on the schedule that I would like (3x a week), but I WILL run.

I'm breaking out of the funk, one day at a time. I'm flexing the willpower muscle on more occasions each day than I would like, but saying no mostly feels good. I just think about what I've felt like for the past 3 weeks, the nausea, the stomach aches, the terrible toilet experiences - and how I don't want to feel like that any more. How I feel when I eat well and exercise well, is how I want to feel all the time.

I don't want to be a fat bride in December. I don't want to be someone who loses sh*tloads of weight for their wedding, only to put it all back on, but I do want to have a significant change between now and then. It's possible, and it will be hard, but the payoffs will definitely outweigh the costs. A fantastic wedding day, fun-filled honeymoon, and then a healthy body to carry babies and be an awesome mum. I need to think about these things when I feel like giving in to a craving, and decide whether the 3 seconds of pleasure will be worth putting off my dreams for a few days. 6 months is gonna FLY....

When you don't want to, but you know you have to.

You just do it.

You have to.

There isn't really a choice, is there?

It's awesome having Dave with me at the gym. Tonight, I didn't want to go. I REALLY didn't want to go. He made me, and I'm glad. 'Babe... we have to... even if we just walk for half an hour, then we can say we did something'. That's all we did, walk for half an hour, but we did it. I nearly made my 10,000 steps from a combo of getting my ass up from my desk a few extra times today and the walk at the gym. I've got about 1000 to go, and I'm going to do those as soon as I finish this blog.

A friend posted on her blog today that she needs to stop losing weight, instead she needs to start finding her life. If I knew how to do fancy links, I would do that, but I don't. Hang on, there's a button that says 'link'... let me try something....

Dani, I think I did it!

Ok, so there was the post that made me tear up a little. Bare truth. Heart-wrenching, soul searching, naked. Truth. All of us have these things that we cloak ourselves with, to hide the truth. I'm going to take a leaf out of Dani's book, and REALLY aim to give you all MY truth.

In many ways, my life is really like the title of this blog. I don't want to, but I know I have to. I don't want to give up daily treats, tasty food, indulgence. But I have to. Not forever, but for now. I don't like it, but it has to happen. I also have to give up my idea that exercising gives me the right to buy one of everything at the supermarket and gorge myself on it. I have to acknowledge that I have a problem with food, and that, in time, food and I can be friends.

I have to understand that the way I've been living for the last 10 years IS NOT THE WAY NORMAL PEOPLE LIVE. Sure, the 'skinny' people at work 'eat whatever they want'. They look good. They actually don't eat whatever they want. They eat what they want SOMETIMES. They walk to work, or exercise outside of work.

I have to keep reminding myself that one slip-up does not mean the end, but also that one good day does not mean I can follow with 3 sugar-laden days to celebrate. I have been wasting so much time eating food that makes me ill, just for a few seconds of pleasure.

I don't want to die. I don't want to become immobile due to diabetes, heart disease, or simply because my legs cannot hold me up. I'm nowhere near these possibilities right now, but I could be, in a few year's time, if things don't change.

I need to start living.