12745...

...that's how many steps I got in today.

9.

That's how many biscuits I ate at morning tea (WTF)

80.

That's how many grams of chocolate I managed to eat before I realised that I was doing it.

500.

That's how many grams I lost this week.

3.

That's how many times I did the 1000 stairs last night.

A couple of things to be proud of, a couple of things to not be so proud of. Days like this come and go in my life (and I'm sure in yours too) and are more often than not the norm. I struggle with 'being good', and with mindlessness.

Yesterday, I made the decision to do the stairs 3 times. The first time up I was all over it. Coming down was a breeze. The second time up, I wanted to stop, turn around, and go back. I didn't. Coming down was not so breezy. I made the decision about 3 steps from the bottom to just turn right back around and go for the third. I did it. It was hard, but not as hard as the second time. Coming down was harder than the previous two times. For some reason, coming down stairs is harder than going up them. My knees hate it.

Then I went to Fasta Pasta and ordered an entree takeaway ravioli. I ate half, put the other half in the fridge, and had it for lunch today. That's the first time I have EVER saved any of a meal. I always go back and eat the leftovers. Not yesterday!

Today, not so good. I mindlessly ate my way through a packet of biscuits because they were in my drawer at work and I opened the drawer and then I ate them. I don't know if I was hungry. Then I did the same thing while cooking dinner (roo pies. amazing!) - found myself hoeing into a mini block of chocolate and had eaten 1 and opened another before I realised what I was doing. Then I finished it (because I might as well, right).

I am extremely sore today after yesterday's efforts, so decided to skip the morning workout and go to gym tonight. Then on the way home from work, I decided I was still too sore, so skipped gym all together. After dinner though, it was still warm and light, and there wasn't much on TV, so I put my shoes on and went for a stroll. It was quite leisurely (5.5km in 1hr 10mins) and I really enjoyed the time alone with my music and my thoughts.

Today could have been worse. I could have eaten the rest of the chocolate (why do I even have it in the pantry?) and sat on the couch all night watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (Royal Special... how could I miss that??). But I didn't.

JFDI

Week 1 is done!

Reflecting back on Week 1, I'm pretty positive! Sure, there were some days that didn't go according to plan, but isn't that what we call life? Life barely goes to plan!

Friday was a bit of a write-off - I walked/ran the lake in the morning (regular sate with Albert.. he never lets me down!) and then worked. After work I picked Dave up and we headed over the other side of town for an 18th birthday dinner. One of the kids I babysat regularly since he was born (he's one of four, and the youngest is my godson) turned 18 a week or so ago (OMG I'm so old!!) and invited me to his birthday dinner. I was stoked - Mum didn't even get an invite and she still sees him twice a week with church stuff - so I must be pretty special to him! I probably didn't choose very wisely off the menu (Nasi Goreng) and then Dave surprised me with a giant slice of chocolate mousse cake because I'd 'been so good all week'. I couldn't stop eating the Nasi, but did manage to only eat about a third of the mousse cake which was delicious, but I knew I shouldn't eat too much of it. I sent the plate down the kids end of the table as soon as I had decided not to eat any more and it was demolished within about 3 minutes. So glad I did that - I know I would have picked at it for the rest of the night!

Saturday I supervised a coaching course for Cali. I did stop in at Maccas for brekky (hadn't got up early enough to cook the Mish approved bacon and egg wrap) and didn't get a chance to eat lunch so that was a bit of a disaster.

I made up for it today though!! Smashed out my SSS - started with Friday's workout and just kept going through Saturday so I haven't technically missed any workouts this week!! Yay! I only burned 850 cals in the 2.5 hours though - I was shattered... Looking back now, a few hours later, I don't think I could have given it any more than I did. I spent an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill at the end but really had nothing left in the tank so if I had have stayed longer, it would have been a waste.

Before gym, I went to Highpoint to find a dress for my work Xmas party next weekend (Biggest Red Flag Day EVER!). I went straight to City Chic, picked a few dresses and tried them on. I was stoked that some were too big (ended up in size Small in every style) and for the first time in my life, had to decide not between just whatever fitted, but between which ones I actually liked more!! I came home with a nice blue number for the Xmas party and a pretty floral scrap of material for my family's annual Xmas picnic. Let's not discuss the damage to my bank account? Yeah, skipped that bit with Dave too. Haha. Last year's Xmas party dress was from there as well, but next year's will not be! I won't fit!

Cheers to shopping in a 'normal' shop for clothes soon...

xx

My new favourite day... Thursday!

Not because it's Toning Day, that's for sure. I must say I hate Toning Days. I much prefer Cardio Days! Partly because I get intimidated by the blokes in the free weights area (I feel like I'm in their way doing my 'girly weights') and partly because there's a trainer at the gym who trains about 6 people at a time and I can never use the equipment I want to use!

But I digress.... Thursdays are when the new plans are released!! I've sat here for the last hour working out my meal plan for next week. This week I stuck to the program and still have quite a lot of food left in the fridge - most recipes use a certain amount of 'something' and the 'something' only comes in a bigger container. So for next week's plan, I've adjusted the lunches to repeat so that I can use up ingredients, and also adjusted the dinners to use up the same sort of vegies. I've tried to keep a similar carb/protein ratio (replacing low carb high protein meals with similar) so that it still complements the exercise program. I've left a couple of meals on there that scare me so that I can still try them!

Today I slipped - I didn't stick to my plan and ended up buying lunch at the blasted cafe (although I made a good-ish choice there). I kinda made the decision early on so skipped my morning snack and then afterwards also skipped my afternoon snack. I have a vague idea of the calories that I ate and know it was definitely more than 300 so hoping the lack of snacks will compensate!! Then dinner we ended up eating a couple of meals that were already in the fridge that would have been thrown out tomorrow. I had a sensible portion size, but still probably went over for the day. I'm looking at it as one day. I'm not taking the 'free' meals on Saturday and have done extra exercise every day this week so in the grand scheme of things it's not going to be a big deal. It won't become a habit, I promise!!

Exercise went really well today. I did the Toning Day routine as prescribed and then went upstairs to the 'virtual training room' to do a 20 minute RPM class. My gym doesn't have classes - instead they have a 'virtual trainer' which is basically a projector set up in a room with mirrors, spin bikes, yoga mats and some small handweights and bars with weight plates. You pick the routine you want from the kiosk, and voila... class time!! I have never done RPM or spin in any form and found it REALLY hard. I wasn't able to get up out of the saddle for any part of the 20 minutes - not sure if it's the thigh burn from the two toning days this week but each time I tried my thighs were on fire. I will try again soon though - my heart rate got quite high regardless of whether I was doing what the trainer was doing. Mostly I just pedalled at speed and didn't do the upping and downing that was required...

And that's all! Nighty Night people...

A good couple of days!

Last time I wrote, I'd had a bad day, but ended with a good attitude. I'm pleased to report that I've resisted temptation MUCH more than usual these last few days. Here's a quick rundown:

Monday: TWILIGHT DAY!!
I got up and went to gym for an hour or so (walked there, did the prescribed workout, walked home) and burned my required calories. I'm over 100kg, so am meant to aim to burn between 600-1000 calories per day - and over 1000 on Saturdays. I did 633 on Monday, so was pretty happy with that. Then I spent the rest of the day on the couch, watching movies! I'm pretty stoked that I didn't eat and crap while sitting - that's usually the time I snack mindlessly.

Lunchtime rolled around and I started preparing my wrap (ham, cottage cheese and salad) and Dave shocked me by asking for one too! We both really enjoyed it and I conquered my fear of cucumber - just ate without thinking and actually surprised myself that it was tasty. I say 'fear' quite lightly as I don't actually fear certain foods, I just have it in my head that I don't eat them, and my body goes all funny (gag reflex kicks in with gusto!). One of my goals for this round is to try everything on the menu at least once so that I can say that I don't like things once I've actually EATEN them.

I made a tuna pasta bake for dinner. It wasn't 12WBT, but I had a much smaller serve than usual and enjoyed it. Our movie wasn't until 9:45 and we finished the four previous movies just in time to get to the cinema. I did have a choc top (saved my snack calories for THAT one) and also ate a lot more popcorn than I should have. Not a great start to the program, but I definitely thought about each handful of popcorn and stopped eating it before it was finished. I would usually just eat and eat until it is gone.

Tuesday:
Went very much to plan. I followed the 12WBT menu for lunch, had my two snacks, and had my own breakfast wrap creation (tortilla, turkey, capsicum, mushrooms and spinach). I teach a class on a Tuesday night (finish up in 2 weeks) so would usually go to Fasta Pasta straight from work to have dinner before class. It's on the other side of town so I have roughly an hour to waste after the drive out there before the class starts. Instead of Fasta Pasta, I packed a muesli bar/meal replacement type thing, and drove up the mountains to the 1000 stairs. I'd done them in 80 minutes with Mum on Saturday, so pushed myself to do it in the hour. I'm proud to announce that I did it! I was late to class (by 5 minutes! Bad Coach!) but am proud that I JFDI and squeezed an extra workout in. I had already done the toning day workout in the morning before work (super organised!!) and managed a total of 770 cals burned for the day, and a diet plan under 1200!!

Wednesday - Weigh In Wednesday!!
The Wednesday morning ritual - Wake Wee Weigh. I was pleased to see a loss on the scale (down to 110.8 from 112) of 1.2kg since last Wednesday. I wasn't expecting a loss with the giant sodium intake of a pizza and popcorn over the weekend, so I was excited! Imagine what may have been if I hadn't indulged...?

I walked around the lake before work (5km) but didn't push it as I am really sore from Tuesday's toning workout. I treated my lake walk as my meditation time, as I knew I would do my proper workout tonight at the gym. I was tempted a second time (same thing happened yesterday!) by my colleague who I have lunch with. She hadn't brought anything with her so we went to the cafe, but instead of just saying 'fuck it' and putting my lunch in the fridge to have tomorrow and buying some crap from the cafe (like I usually would) I stuck to my plan and had my 12WBT lunch both days. She said she'll probably do the same thing tomorrow but I'll be prepared then too! She also tried to offload the rest of her muffin on me during the afternoon. 'Old Kelly' would have gladly accepted the muffin and hoovered it straight away. 'No thanks' were the two hardest words to say, but they were accepted without question. Phew.

Did my prescribed workout at the gym tonight (with some extras and pushed myself so bloody hard!) and had a beautiful dinner (12WBT of course!!) and have finished up the day on a high. 823 cals burned, just over 1000 cals eaten. I might even indulge in a few of the lollies that Dave bought yesterday for dessert if I feel like it in the next hour or so. Part of me thinks it might not be worth it!

New menu plans and exercise are released in the morning... I can't wait!!

John Farnham, eat your heart out.

John Farnham, the King of 'Last Times'. He's always doing a farewell tour, one final goodbye, just one last time. Well, Johnny, tonight I have given you a run for your money!

Dave works 1 weekend in 3 so I had the weekend to myself. Yay! Went shopping today and got everything I need for the week's meal plan. Caught up on the washing, did a bit of tidying around the house, kept meaning to go for a walk but never did (although I managed to get 5000 steps just pfaffing about the house and shops). And then he got home.

I was cooking the Thai Fish Cakes in advance, and was just frying up the last batch when he walked in the door. He patiently waited for me to finish cooking, and then jumped me. Half an hour later, we're both lying in bed and I thought... fuck it. Let's get pizza.

For the last time.

And we did.

And I ate the whole thing.

And some chips.

And now I feel like crap, and am super glad that I get to start again tomorrow. I'm sitting here with my water bottle and my heart is racing from all the grease. I have a headache, and I'm sweating a bit. So gross. I really hope I can remember this feeling next time I want a pizza, because this is not good.

This may not be the last time I order a pizza. In fact, I know this will not be the last time I order a pizza. BUT, it's the last time I eat a whole pizza! I WILL slip, and I will slip often. However, I won't fall. I'm stronger than that, and I want more than that for myself.

Tomorrow is Twilight Day. We've both got the day off work, and we're watching all four movies before heading off to Gold Class to see the final chapter. Bella is starting her new life as a vampire, and I'm starting my new life too! New vampires have strength and energy in abundance. Tomorrow, I'll spring out of bed (albeit a little later than usual) and head off to the gym. It's Cardio Day, and I'll be following the program. There's a bit of treadmill, cross trainer, rowing, abs, and stretching. I'll stay there until I burn my 500 calories, and then I'll be heading back home to my beloved for a magical day together!

Woah, Mumma!

My Mum was my inspiration today. I had to come back across town (I live over the other side from my parents, and Cali) to teach this afternoon, so I locked in a session with Mum for the afternoon before class. She's never done the 1000 stairs in Upper Gully, so I picked her up and we went for it.

I bought her a HRM for her birthday, so we both strapped on and set off up the hill. For those of you that don't know, the 1000 stairs is a trail up a mountain that starts with a 1.5km walk and then there's 1000 stairs to the top (mostly concrete cut into the mountainside). Along the way there are markers and plaques with stories from the Kokoda Track - it's kind of a tribute/memorial for the diggers (and their 'fuzzy wuzzy angels') who were made to walk the Track in WWII.

Both our heart rates got ridiculously high just walking up the hill. Mum's kept beeping as she was over her max rate, and mine even had a go once or twice. After a short stop just before the stairs started, we continued up to the top. We stopped every few minutes for a breather and a drink and to let our hearts catch themselves. There was a group of walkers who we kept swapping with - we would pass them, then they would pass us - we got talking and encouraged each other to keep at it. It's pretty tough!

A few times I would look behind me and Mum was focussed on the steps in front of her. I was leading the way, but checked every so often if I couldn't hear her breathing behind me. Her expression was one of determination, but I could see the doubt creeping in. She's heard that it's torture and I could tell that she was pretty ready to give up at the halfway mark. I made a point of not stopping where the markers were - so she couldn't see how far we had gone, or how far we had to go. I've done it myself a few times so know the points where I usually stop, and the points I want to give up, and also the point where you're almost there. About 200 steps from the end, the slabs of concrete get longer and the steps take 2 or 3 steps between each one. This is my favourite part, because it's nearly over!

We made it to the top in about an hour from the time we left the car. There are people who do the whole thing 3 times in an hour, but they're freaks. Haha. After a little rest, we came back down. It's a killer on the knees coming back down - your legs are all shaky and the concrete isn't even and the steps are uneven and the rail is sometimes out of reach. Mum had to go pretty slow, but I made sure she was with me or that I waited for her to catch up on the hard bits.

We got down to the bottom, and the relief on her face was priceless. She was shitty that I burnt more calories than her (I did 624, she did 550) but I reminded her that I'm 10 kilos heavier than her so bloody deserved the extra burn. On the way down, she'd mentioned that she would NEVER do it again - it was on her bucket list and was crossed off! But then in the car, she was talking about me ringing her whenever I was coming over to do it (I'll need to for my 50km walk training) and that she wants to beat her time next time.

My Mum is 52 years old. She's always been a big girl, but she tries really hard to eat well, and goes to the gym 4-5 times a week. I don't think she's ever pushed herself that hard, or believed that she could do anything that big. She didn't really believe in herself today, but I certainly did. She amazes me!

Today is the day!

Well, sort of. The first week was released on the 12WBT website to give us enough time time shop, plan, organise and diarise for the week ahead. You know what I did? I started early.

You heard me. I started already.

I got on my smartphone at the gym, hit the start button on my HRM (heart rate monitor for those of you that don't know), and followed the 'Beginner Toning' program for next Thursday. It's Thursday today, so why not? I remember reading that we need to burn 500 calories each day, so after the session (about 45 minutes of strength-ish circuit-y training) I checked my HRM and was pretty shattered to see only 245 calories burned. I know Toning Days are going to be nowhere near as burn-y as Cardio Days, but you know what? Just Fucking Do It. That's my new motto (stolen from Mish, of course!). Got on the Cross Trainer, cranked it up to Level 5 and pounded away to Justin Bieber and whatever else was on the US Top 30 on the screen. 30 minutes later, I checked Harry (my HRM) and was stoked to see 490 calories GONE. Finished up the session with a stretch, and walked out of the gym with a nice 524 calories burned.

I also had a date with Albert (Park Lake) this morning. A brisk walk around the 5km lake gave me another 350ish calories this morning.

And you know what the worst thing is? I broke even today. I found some evil treats in the boot this morning when I was getting my shower gear at work - and managed to mindlessly eat the whole bag of evil during my work day. I logged it, and now I've burned it. So I'm even today. God, imagine where I'd be if I hadn't succumbed to the evil. It's gone now, and I won't be buying it again. Too delicious and not very nutritious. Not nutritious at all actually. And so much sweat went into working it off too. Such a shame.

I'm excited to get going and have planned a SSS (Super Saturday Session) with my Mum - we'll either do the 1000 stairs in Upper Gully or walk around Lilydale Lake. I have to head over that way to teach on Saturday afternoon, and with Dave working all day it's a good excuse to get out and get moving.

I'm also using the rest of tonight to plan out my menu for next week. I'm a very fussy eater when it comes to healthy food, so I'm going to plan ahead, make a list, and shop accordingly on Sunday. I'm also going to make up a few meals to freeze for lazy days, and some bigger heartier stuff for Dave's lunches. He's cool with me making some changes but doesn't want to be missing out on a big feed each day, and with his physical job he needs the extra calories (not much extra, but he'll not notice the difference if I make some tweaks to the usual lunch!) I've had a look at some of the recipes for the coming week and am stoked that there's more than a few things I want to try so they'll definitely be going on the list!

So I'm hoping my new friends Albert (Park Lake), Harry (HRM), and Freddie (the fitbit) will help me on my way...

Oh, and today we had to 'Measure Up' to get our benchmark measurements. Here are mine!

Weight 112kg
Chest 111cm
Waist 121cm
Widest Point (of hips) 130cm
Right Thigh 79cm (when measured 35cm from edge of kneecap)
Left Thigh 79cm (when measured 35cm from edge of kneecap)
Right Arm 37cm
Left Arm 36cm

Slightly embarrassing, but it'll get better!

One more sleep until...

...until Week 1 plans are released!!

I actually cannot wait to start. I made the decision a few weeks ago to join 12WBT for this round, and it has felt like a lifetime! My mindset has shifted in the last few weeks, but I'm not fully there yet. I've read that you can't out-train a bad diet, and right now, that's all I'm trying to do.

I think I'm trying to get all my bad habits out before it starts - I've found myself eating lollies, buying lunch out, going to Maccas, drinking 'real' coke. I don't even LIKE real coke, yet I'm drinking it. What is going on? Yep... it's the last hurrah. I'm pretty sure it's going to continue until Monday. I don't know why I'm doing it... actually I do, but it doesn't make any sense.

I've decided I'm going to do this 12WBT thing until I reach 80kg. That might be all year! But I WILL continue to do it. At least if I'm paying for something I'll feel a little bit guilty if I'm not giving it my all. The way it's done now there is no downtime between Rounds - you go straight from one to the next. I think this is best for me - if I find I'm falling off the wagon, there's a few weeks before the new round starts where the energy is revitalised with the Preseason Tasks for the new round.

And the main goal? I can't believe I'm saying this out loud... I can try to get pregnant once I reach 80kg. I can't start until then. And I REALLY want a baby. So that will be a very big motivation for me. ARGH!!!!

Fitness Test Time!!

So we have to do a fitness test for the beginning of the 12WBT - to set a benchmark, and then re-test every four weeks to see our improvement. These are my results:

1km time trial - 8:52
Pushups - 6 on toes, 20 on knees
Abdominal test - Level 1 (can touch wrists to knees, but not elbows crossed over chest without lifting feet off the floor)
Wall sit - 30secs
Sit and Reach - 12cm past toes

I don't exactly remember my results from last time I did 12WBT, but I know my time trial was in the 7 minute range. This time might SEEM worse, but I made a point of running the whole thing this time, not sprinting and then walking like I did last time. I stopped for maybe 10 seconds this time and am determined that in 4 weeks time I WILL NOT WALK AT ALL.

My pushups are definitely better on toes (I don't think I did any last time and my highest was 27 on my knees so I've definitely got stronger arms now)

My Ab strength is still crap. Probably because I don't do any core work, except crunches every so often. That will definitely be one of my focuses this round - getting that core sorted out!

Wall sit was a disaster tonight. Could have something to do with having my end of year Cali concert on Saturday night and then doing a 2 hour walk tonight (Monday), but I'm not going to let excuses get in the way any more. Wall sit needs work!

Sit and Reach last time was over 15cm and I know my hammys are very tight from Cali and walking, so it will only get better from here (when I remember to stretch them out after EVERY session which I am quite bad at)

I'm really interested to see my results this time as I'll be following the exercise part to the letter, so I'm really hoping to improve every single one of those benchmarks in the 12 weeks.

In other news, this weekend was massive. I had my end of year Cali concert on Saturday night, stayed at Mum and Dad's Saturday, had my cousin's 30th lunch on Sunday and then a close Cali friend got married Sunday afternoon with the Reception in the evening. Food was all over the shop - I ate (and enjoyed!) everything on offer as kind of a last hurrah. I know I'm not meant to, but I did it anyway. Then because I was tired and didn't have any planning/shopping/cooking time over the weekend, I had a bit of a bender today as well with buying lunch and breakfast out. Cooked a healthy dinner but didn't eat any as I'd eaten a lovely afternoon tea of cheese and crackers that put me WAY over my cals and I wasn't actually hungry when I thought about it (strange... usually I would just eat it because it's dinner time!) And the big win for today? No snacks after dinner. I enjoy a little something sweet after every meal, and that is a habit I hope to break with a little help from Mish and her friends. Plus I went for a walk that turned into a 10km walk and didn't really want to undo all the hard work by scoffing mindlessly on something sweet.

And now it's late and I'm going to lay out my clothes for my Lake Walk in the morning and go to bed. Aiming for 8 hours, so I've gotta be in bed by 10 every night. It's 10:24. Crap.

Demons. Bloody Demons.

I would love to tell you that today was a smashing success. It kind of was.... it kind of wasn't.

Positives from the day:

-Ate everything as planned at work. No random snacks

-Drank 6x600ml bottles of water*

-Kept a positive attitude about many shiite things that happened in my work day

-Did NOT feel like exercising this morning, but went out and did it anyway. It was a walk, not a jagger**, but I still got out there for an hour.

*Mish recommends 30ml per kilo of body weight, which is 3.36 litres for this girl. No time to snack when I'm always attached to my water bottle!

**cross between a jog and a stagger, which is where my running is right now.

Negatives from the day:

-Ended up at the lolly shop (discount lollies + kelly = bad idea)

-Didn't eat planned dinner, impulse bought Latina Tortellini and Garlic Ciabatta

-Went to the toilet about a million times from all the water.

Positives from the negatives:

-Only ate one of the things I bought at the lolly shop (Milk Duds from the USA section). Will see if I can throw away (or give away) the rest tomorrow, but Greedy Kelly is not in agreement with this plan.

-Ate half of what I would usually eat Latina-wise. Asked Dave to dish up half of what he would eat in my bowl and put the rest in the fridge straight away. No going back for seconds if it's already cold!

-Decided that Garlic Ciabatta, while tasty, leaves an awful taste in my mouth (3hrs now and can still taste the garlicky buttery ew in my mouth) so won't buy it again. 

Fingers crossed that the toilet stops will sort themselves out in a few weeks - that my body realises what I'm doing and takes some crap out with the water. I will continue to drink this much because I feel GREAT.

In other news, I got out my handy-dandy notebook and started diarising the next 12 weeks. I'm feeling good about 12WBT... just need to get a handle on Greedy Kelly and her lolly/choc habit. Must think of a 'reward' for indulging - probably hours of exercise.

Fighting some of the demons.

My demons are my food habits. I'd like to say I'm a compulsive eater, but I'm more like an overeater. I just googled 'Overeaters Anonymous' and this is what came up:

OA members experience many different patterns of food behaviors. These “symptoms” are as varied as our membership. Among them are:

• obsession with body weight, size and shape
• eating binges or grazing
• preoccupation with reducing diets
• starving
• laxative or diuretic abuse
• excessive exercise
• inducing vomiting after eating
• chewing and spitting out food
• use of diet pills, shots and other medical interventions to control weight
• inability to stop eating certain foods after taking the first bite
• fantasies about food
• vulnerability to quick-weight-loss schemes
• constant preoccupation with food
• using food as a reward or comfort

I probably do more than half of these on a regular basis, which is very worrying. They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem, so here goes. I have a problem with food. Food is my best friend and my worst enemy. It has been there through thick and thin, good days and bad days. But no more. Food is fuel. Food is fuelling my body to do the things it needs to survive and to thrive. While I think that food comforts me, it's the memory of time with my mum, dad and family (that always revolved around food) that is the true comfort. I have a massive sweet tooth, and years of eating ridiculous amounts of sweet food (especially the old faithful... Dairy Milk) has really built up my addiction to sugar. I can sit and eat a family block and not think twice. All of a sudden it's gone.

A couple of statements have been highlighted to me recently. 'The first bite tastes exactly the same as the last. Why do you need the ones in between?' AND 'Do you remember every mouthful?'. No, I don't remember every mouthful. I zone out when I'm eating. I don't savour the food, I just eat it mindlessly. I've been reading some articles on 'mindfulness' in every day life, and trying to apply some of the principles to both eating and living. Mainly just the parts about stopping and thinking about exactly what is happening in my body at the time. While walking, thinking about how every movement feels. While eating, thinking about how the food tastes, feels, and why I'm eating it. 

The other thing I need to be mindful of is my cravings. It is perfectly normal to WANT something, but I don't have to give in to those cravings EVERY TIME. And I don't have to eat a sh*tload of whatever it is that I feel like. It's okay to say no to something. It's okay to say yes to something. It's okay to feel hungry, and it's okay to overeat on the rare occasion. 

The hardest thing about food is that we can't live without it. You don't need alcohol to survive. You don't need cigarettes to survive. You DO need food to survive. I need to change my thinking about food, to using it as a source of physical nourishment and fuel, rather than a comfort and a companion.

A personal challenge.

I've set myself some pretty ambitious goals, distance wise, for the rest of the year. On Runkeeper, you can set goals, so I have!

I've set a goal of 250km walking and 1000km riding. I'm pretty sure the riding one is too ambitious, seeing as I don't ride very often, but I would love to smash the walking one and possibly even double it!

I'm trying to walk twice a day. In the morning it's around Albert Pake Lake after I drop my bf off at work, for between 40mins and an hour. Then I head off to work for a shower etc. After work, I head out for a stroll for another hour or so. If I do this for the next two weeks, I'm hoping to begin the habit of exercising regularly, so that when the 12WBT kicks in properly I can either do the outside program at the lake in the morning, or the gym program at night, and still keep one of the walks. I don't particularly WANT to be exercising for two hours a day, but it's better than spending the extra two hours on the couch!!

I keep reminding myself that 'normal' people exercise every day. I've been abnormal all my life because I don't - even though it's my normal. I need to change my normal. I will always have a gym membership. I will always have to go for walks most days. This can't stop once I reach my goal weight, because then it will be a waste - I'll gain everything back and be right back where I started.

The power of positive thinking!

Friday night, I got a text message from one of the cali girls, Ashlee - the one I had done the 35km Eastlink ride with last year.

'Hey buddy, wanna ride the Lilydale-Warburton trail tomorrow?'

My first thought? No f*cking way. This weekend is the first weekend in a while that both me and Dave had no plans. Our only plan was to sleep in, enjoy each other's company. The Lily-Warby trail is 40km one way, mostly hills (both down and up!), gravel.

My next thought? Maybe I should. Last weekend Dave worked and I sat on my fat butt all weekend. I did get stuff done (unpicking for calisthenics), but I sat on the couch for 48 hours. I've signed up for 12WBT again, and the season starts Nov 19. I should probably get myself organised and start making exercise a priority. Also, I ate like crap on Friday (almost 2000 calories over my allowance!) so the ride should negate SOME of that.

I messaged back. I was in.

I looked up some of the bike websites, and found out the info. In my head, we were going from Lilydale to Wandin (about 20km return). There was no way we'd make it all the way to Warby and back.

The time came (2pm) and we were at Maccas getting our bikes ready. Something in my mind just clicked. We were going to do the whole thing.

I've been receiving emails from a motivational speaker guy - every morning I read about how I should be changing my mindset, my thought patterns. Changing my perspective on things to a more positive outlook. I started the ride with positive thoughts.

These quickly became harder and harder to keep positive, though I refused to let myself think that I wasn't going to make it. All of the 'flat' parts felt uphill. The distance didn't pass anywhere near as quickly as we'd planned. Because we started out at 2pm, we had about 5 hours of sunlight to travel the 75ish km. After an hour, we'd only gone just over 10. This wasn't going to happen. Ash and I kept pedalling. We got to the 20km point, Wandin, and Ash mentioned that we could turn around at any time. I'd been thinking that maybe we should turn around, but in that split second when the words left her mouth, I thought 'No. We're doing this!' Ash is pretty motivational towards me - she's got an amazing body, amazing dedication to cali, and a great personality. She knows when I'm struggling and gives a little pep talk just at the moment that I'm trying to sum up the courage to tell her I'm giving up. I told her we were going to push a bit harder, and get to Warburton. I had decided in my mind that we would ride until 4:30, then turn around. It was about 3:30, with about 10km to go. We got there at about 4:20. Woohoo!!

We found a pub, got a coke, and went to the loo. Sitting there, on the deck, Ash and I looked at each other and both said 'how the f*ck are we going to get home?'. I suggested we call a cab, one would stay with the bikes, the other would get the cab back to the car and drive up to get the other. Ash suggested paying one of the guys in the pub with a ute to drive us back to Lilydale. Instead, we got our wobbly legs back on the bikes and started riding home. The sun was going down, and we would be running out of light shortly.

Ash has a little computer on her bike that tells current speed, and we aimed for 20km/h on the way home. We averaged about 15 on the way up, so wanted to push harder. Ashlee had been given some advice regarding gears and hills, and we really tried to put this into practice, especially on the way home. We were really pushing hard, keeping in low gear and keeping the pedal rate (it's called cadence, we have since found out) high. We were travelling well, until we hit the massive hill that had seemed so lovely on the way there.

It was a killer. Ash is quite a bit fitter than me, so I let her go ahead at her own speed (she stopped every so often to let me catch up!) and concentrated on pedalling, breathing, and keeping my thoughts positive. I didn't look ahead, I looked down just past my handlebars. I changed down gears so that I could keep my breathing in line with my pedalling, and took a really deep breath every few breaths to avoid hyperventilating. That hill almost beat me. We got to Mt Evelyn (about 10kms to go) and I was struggling. I felt like I was about to vomit, and at the pedestrian crossing where we had to stop to wait for the lights to change, my legs starting shaking uncontrollably and I felt like I was going to pass out.

We'd bought lots of water with us - I had mine in a backpack with a tube so could suck away whenever I wanted. We also had some jelly snakes and muesli bars which we'd eaten half of while we stopped at the pub. At Mt Evelyn, we'd been riding for about 4.5 hours. My body was giving out on me because I had not fuelled it properly.

We crossed the road, and stopped on the other side. I ate some more snakes, had a big drink, and a rest for a few minutes. The sugar kicked in and I felt right to keep going. The last 10km flew. It had looked flat on the way there, but it seemed that it was actually slightly uphill, because we hardly put in any effort to get home from there. Gears were changed all the way up, and we were flying with very little effort. It was getting dark (that big hill had taken a LOT of time) and neither of us have lights so we really needed to get back to the cars.

We got back at 7:45pm, and had logged 5:12 riding. We had stopped at the pub for about half an hour, although it felt like about 10 minutes.

Next time, we'll leave a little earlier so that the pub time can be extended - not to drink, but to rest and refuel. We also decided that next time we'll stop at least twice in the way up and twice on the way back for lollies and drinks, to avoid the body-shutdown situation. I really didn't feel well, and don't want to feel like that again!!

I truly believe that I would have given up if I had let my mind wander to the places it usually does when I'm challenging myself. Usually, my mind gives up long before my body, and my thoughts turn negative very quickly. 'I can't do this'. 'It's too hard'. 'Next time. Give up now and come back another time'. 'I can't'.

The thoughts this time were 'I can'. 'I will'. 'This is hard, but I'm not dying'. 'Keep pedalling'. 'Keep your breathing calm'. And the big one, that I'm not quite sure I believe... 'Ash will never make you do this again if you go all the way this time'......