It's almost the end of Steptember and I am pleased to report that I have only had 2 days where I have not met my target. One of those days I have already talked about. The second was this past Sunday. I had taken my first training walk on Saturday for another charity walk I have signed up for. I know I swore to never do silly things like that again but the truth is I enjoyed the challenge. I enjoyed the feeling of knowing everyone else thought I couldn't do it and then proving them wrong. This time it's 60km over 2 days. I'm sure I'll post a link on this blog closer to the event (March 2014) so keep an eye out. Anyway, back to the story.
So we went on a training walk that was supposed to be 10km, but turned out due to a comedy of errors to be closer to 15km. I was going to back it up by doing another big walk (10-15km) on the Sunday, but instead I just sat on the couch all day watching Dexter saying to myself 'at the end of the next episode I'll get up'. I didn't. I just sat there all day, until about 9:30pm when I felt so guilty I got out my Samsung tablet and walked on the spot while reading some weight loss and fitness blogs. I got to 8,000 steps by 11:30pm and gave up and went to bed. While I didn't achieve my 10,000 step goal, I had almost 30,000 steps for the weekend so I really don't feel bad at all. I know I wasn't going to accept averages, and I'm not making an excuse, but it doesn't mean I can't feel a tiny sense of achievement for getting off the couch and doing SOMETHING.
Food, on the other hand, has been a disaster. I just can't get my head around it. I was saying to my friend at work today, during lunch, that I have been contemplating lap-band surgery. I am 99% against surgical intervention, because I WANT to do this on my own, but there's that little part of me that thinks it's the easy way out and I just want to take it to be done with this shit. I know it's not easy, and it's very easy to put the weight back on after removal of the band. Gastric sleeve is something I wouldn't consider because I simply do not want to be taking vitamins and supplements for the rest of my life because my stomach won't hold enough basic food. Anyway, we were talking about it, and I said something off the cuff that made us both wet ourselves with laughter.
'I don't think it would work for me, because I don't eat because I'm hungry, I eat because my mouth is empty'
I realised in that split second that it was VERY true. A lap band wouldn't help me, gastric bypass wouldn't help me. I would eat until I vomited, and then I'd eat some more because I'd vomited and made some room. This scares me. I don't know how to get past it. I need much more than the latest fad or surgery. I just don't know what it is or where to find it.
I think it's all in my head, and I need to get my head right.
This walk I am doing is for research and support for Women's Cancers. There is a much higher fundraising requirement than the walk I did earlier in the year - I have to raise a minimum of $2k to qualify to walk. I'm doing it with a friend, so we have to raise a minimum of $4k together. That's a buttload of money. What have we done? We've ordered Cadbury chocolates to kickstart the fundraising. That's right, me, self confessed food addict, has boxes and boxes of chocolates in my possession. Waiting to be eaten. Normally, what I would do, is pick one of each flavour, say I'm having ONE a day, and then eat them all in one go. I'd do it again the next day, and the next, until they were all gone. This time, I've paid for EVERY SINGLE CHOCOLATE in my possession. $581 worth, to be precise.
The chocs got delivered to my friend who is home all day with her gorgeous newborn. She delivered them to me at our training walk, and because it was such a nice day, some of them got melted in the car. After I got home, I sorted them all out and separated out the melted ones, justifying to myself that they were the ones I was allowed to eat because I couldn't (in good conscience) sell them to someone else. $21 worth. This is the way my mind works. I'll help someone else not eat ruined melted chocolate by eating it myself! Go me! Raising money for a good cause!
I've taken the chocs to work and have them all under my desk. Each morning, I dutifully set them up to tempt anyone walking by my desk with my impressive array of variety of brightly coloured packaging. My sneaky box of melted ones sits at the bottom of the pile, just beckoning me to eat them. Yesterday, I put that box in my car. On the way home from work, I ate three. I felt sick. There were 17 left. I contemplated eating more. I don't know why, but I am VERY PROUD of what I did next. When I got home, I took that box out of my car. I opened the rubbish bin lid. I dumped them in the bin. I didn't take them out. They're gone.
I can't say I'll have that willpower for the 500 or so others that are by my desk, but I do know that I am determined to not do what I did (and have done) in the past. It's so tempting to have them next to me all day, but this is a test for me. A test I will fail more than once. I know this.
What do I need more than anything? To stop this cycle of binging. To stop thinking of food as a reward and start thinking of it as fuel for my body. Right now, this is the stupidest concept to me. One day, it will come naturally, but for now, I'll just have to do what I have always done and keep telling myself what I want to believe until it becomes reality. I know it works, because I now love myself, and I never did before. I don't know that I'll be able to convince myself that I don't like chocolate, but I don't think that's really the point (and it will never happen!!!). I have to convince myself that being a healthy, fit, strong person is much more preferable to the instant satisfaction of food. That when I wait for something, it's even better than having it straight away. That life can be enjoyed when it doesn't revolve around food.
It started 4 years ago, with that work Biggest Loser competition. It will never end, but it needs to improve. One day at a time, one decision at a time, one breath at a time.
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