... what the hell is going through my head!
I've really been battling the chocolate demon this week. We have fundraiser chockies for Cali, and I volunteered to sell an extra box (above my two that I already sold) to finish off the fundraiser. I'm pretty sure I've eaten 35 of them in the last 4 days. I just can't stop. Well, I don't really have a choice now, because they're all gone, but the thought of me eating 35 chocolate bars in 4 days sickens me.
I did it though. Go me!
Seriously.... what am I thinking? Why am I doing this? Do I really want this? Do I really want to lose weight?
The answer is yes. And no. I want it, but I don't want it badly enough to do it right, and do it now. That realisation makes me angry and upset. I'm glad I've acknowledged it. I'm not proud of what I've eaten over the last few days, but there are a few things that I can take away from the experience.
- I feel really sick after eating 10 giant or twin freddos in one go.
- Each time I ate one, I actually thought to myself 'I'm not even hungry, why am I doing this?'. I know what I'm doing, I'm asking myself the right questions, but I'm not giving myself the right answers.
- I have been to gym more. And sweated shitloads.
I've caught up on all the episodes of the Biggest Loser, and realised that when I exercise, I don't REALLY sweat. It makes me wonder why I'm bothering, if I'm not giving it my all. Watching their faces in the weigh-in when they realise that they really haven't put in 100% that week, makes me stop and think about my own 'journey'. I eat shit, I don't train well.... it's surprising I've even maintained my weight over the last year, let alone lost a couple of kilos.
I know I've said this before, but this has to stop. The training needs to be more intense, and the food needs to be stuck to. Lite N Easy provide me with everything I need for a day's eating (and nice eating, at that!). I'm hardly hungry. I don't NEED anything else. I am training using a new outlook. Instead of trying to spend 60 minutes on the treadmill or elliptical, I'm going HARD for as long as I can. Tonight, it was 10 minutes. 10 minutes of 30 seconds as fast as possible, 30 seconds of moderate, repeated for as long as I could. I wanted to vomit, so I stopped. I covered 2km in 10 minutes tonight, and that is PROOF that I haven't been doing as much as I should have been. On Sunday night, I did the same on the treadmill, except I did 1 minute running, and 30 seconds to a minute of walking to catch my breath. I lasted 16 minutes and did 2km also.
I'm also focusing on strength training. Both workouts (Sunday and today) were about 60 minutes, with the first 10-15 cardio, the next 30-40 weights (both free weights and machines), and 10 minutes of stretching. I've sweated more in the last two workouts than I think I have all year. I think I'd rather work out like that than spend hours on a treadmill. The time definitely passes more quickly, and I'm so so sore afterwards.Not to the point of constant pain, but there is discomfort there most of the day. It's good pain, though. I actually feel like I'm changing my body again.
Isn't that the point?
I am so so very very proud of you, your an amazingly strong woman and I know you can achieve this. I love the fact that you have been so open and honest with yourself, and a huge huge congrats on the exercise these last few days, it is only onwards and upwards from here on in. Always here, I have your back no matter what xox
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