Is it goodbye?

I just watched the last 12WBT mindset video for the round. It's been a rough 12 weeks, but boy have I learnt some shit about ME. So is it goodbye? Am I going to say goodbye to Michelle Bridges?

Oh God, I don't know! I'm so torn. I don't need it for the food and recipes - I've already committed to LnE until I hit 90kg. I don't need it for the exercise plan - I've saved 2 rounds worth now on my PC (it's allowed, as long as I don't share it with anyone... I checked...) and have also made sure I can access them from my phone. But I don't think I'm ready to let go... *insert sad face and puppy dog eyes here*

I need the support. I need the videos. I need the accountability. I have done a few 12 week challenges on MFP (My Fitness Pal) where we checked in every day and had teams and challenges and support. But I always drop out... there's something about Michelle being a 'real person', and me believing that she actually WANTS people on her program to succeed, to thrive, to change their lives.

And there's also the fact that over 3 rounds, I may have strayed in the middle, but I've come back and finished strong. I said goodbye after the first round, decided that it didn't work for me, and went on my merry way. Suddenly, one day, I had a lightbulb moment. It didn't work because I didn't try. I made excuses, I strayed from the program, and I payed the price. After 8 months on my own, I came back and did two rounds consecutively. I have had more success in my head than on the scale, but over the last 24 weeks I have exercised with purpose on more than half of the days. That is a record!

I have changed my mindset dramatically. I still have a long way to go, which is probably why I'm not ready to let go just yet. I now think about exercise almost as much as I think about food. I now think about exercise as a way to make my body stronger, to change the way it looks, rather than just slogging it out on a treadmill to 'lose weight'. This is a bold statement, but I would be happy to see the same number on the scale in 12 months time if I knew it was made up of strong muscle, and not as much fat. My percentage of body fat is still around 50%, which is exactly where it was at 134.7kg, but now weighing in (last Wednesday) at 109.7kg, I'm a lot happier having 55kg of fat than 70kg of fat WEIGHING ME DOWN.

I've had a 4 day weekend, and I've sat on my arse for a lot of that time, watching TV and sewing some stuff for cali. Where my mindset differs now from the past, is that each day I got up off that butt and EXERCISED. I walked, I ran, I strolled. I went to the shopping centre (I actually shopped!), but instead of just going to the shops I needed to go to, I did a circuit of the centre in between each shop. I wanted to get my nails done, so I walked the 2km to the nail salon and then home again. I noticed it was sunny outside, so I put my shoes on and got out there for a walk/jog/run. I watched Les Mis and walked on the spot each time there was a song (It's a musical.... there wasn't much sitting on the couch!!).

I'm not perfect, I bought a tub of icecream and ate the whole thing - 1000 calories of Ben & Jerry's was delicious. We had pizza last night for dinner, and I ate more than I should have. Both of those splurges were covered by my exercise this weekend, so I think I broke even. Months ago though, the 750ml tub of Ben & Jerrys would have been a 1L tub of something, a bag of Maltesers, a big bag of chips, a block of chocolate, a packet of biscuits and a bag of lollies (because we know we need to have salty, sweet, crunchy, chewy and cold to have a PROPER binge). The pizza would NOT have been a family pizza shared between the two of us with leftovers and sore tummies, it would have been a large pizza each, a garlic bread and a big bottle of Coke. I wouldn't have chosen cold water over soft drink when I woke up in the morning.

I'm so scared that I can so easily fall back into those habits... so I think I still need Michelle by my side, in my head, in my ears, in my inbox. The next round starts in two weeks, but I'm pretty sure my $200 will be going in Mish's pocket sometime this week. So, no, I don't think it is goodbye, unless I'm referring to my old habits...