Well, I actually don't know how long it's been since I posted... I forgot to check!! I think we all know why I haven't been posting - because I haven't been having a great time. I don't know why, because my life is friggin awesome right now.
I haven't put on much weight - a couple of kilos - but it swings around between 105-107 depending on the day of the week. I haven't been eating well - I do great all day and then I come home and eat a block of chocolate. Not a bar, but a block. 200g of Cadbury goodness. In the last two weeks I've eaten 6. And I haven't exercised officially in that time. I've done cali on Monday nights - the standard 3 hours - and I really push myself hard for that 3 hours. I've also made a point to practise at least once during the week for about an hour (enough to get the sweat going but mostly to cement the new parts of the routines in my brain).
Cali is amazing. I have recently discovered that I'm actually not that bad at it, it's just been me holding me back all this time. I'm scared to put my head up and really perform because I'm scared of people judging me, looking at me and thinking that I'm an idiot. Well... I've realised that I don't give a shit any more. I really don't. I love this sport, and I won't be able to do it at the level I'm doing it for much longer. I've probably only got two good years left in me (this year and the next) and I really want to enjoy it. The coaches that we have this year have really instilled confidence in me - they're the first to tell me that I am capable of more, and I don't know why I believe them, but I do. I often have to stop myself when I go to tell them I can't do something, because I actually CAN. And sometimes I don't stop myself in time... trying not to fall into those bad habits, but it's hard to change what you've been doing for 20 years.
It kinda sums up my life - I'm trying to change things that I've done for the last ten years, and I often don't catch myself until it's too late.
In a couple of months, my life is going to change HUGELY. I'm moving in with the BF. I've never lived with a partner before (I've actually never considered myself in a serious relationship before so this is a BIG DEAL), so I'm scared but totally excited at the same time. In a food sense, I'm really looking forward to it. I eat shit when I'm alone - not in secret, but alone. Therefore I don't do it with him. I also feel like I should be feeding him properly if I'm cooking - he has quite a physical job so needs a good dinner after a hard day's work. Of course, he eats a lot more than I do, but I can still eat the things I crave and give him larger portions so that I don't eat more than I should. He also plays an online game a couple of nights a week at scheduled times (with a group) so I won't feel guilty at all about going off to the gym. At the moment, if he comes over, I feel like I can't disappear for a few hours because we only spend a couple of nights a week together and I cherish that time together. My gym doesn't have a branch near his place so I don't go when I go over there.
Anyway... today is the last day of March. Tomorrow is the start of a new month, so it's going to mark a fresh start. I really wanted to be under 100kg for my birthday, which is the 10th of May. I don't know if I can do it, but I'm certainly going to give it a red hot go. I'm doing Run for the Kids in the morning - a 5k fun run. I'm not going to commit to anything numbers-wise this time. I'm not promising to exercise every day, or to burn a certain amount each day, or even to set a goal for what I want to lose by my birthday.
My Mum went to see a nutritionist during the week, and discussed me a bit. Apparently, I'm her inspiration, which I find really hard to swallow. I've always looked up to my Mum, and she's been my inspiration. Somehow it's hard for me to accept that I've changed some things about myself, and I keep looking at how far I have to go, rather than how far I've come. I've actually lost almost 30kg, and forget to pat myself on the back sometimes. According to the BMI, I should weigh between 55-70kg. That means I need to lose another 35kg just to get near that range, and another 50kg to be on the lighter side of healthy. I've been looking at those numbers, and it just seems impossible. And according to this nutritionist... it is!! My Mum is a similar height to me. She's of a similar build to me. At the moment, we weigh about the same. This nutritionist believes that the BMI is a bit silly - that for someone with a larger frame and some muscle tone, it's not realistic. She thinks we should aim for roughly 90kg, and focus on eating well and exercising regularly, then see what happens. It's such a breath of fresh air for a health professional to be so honest, and not focus on numbers, but on what is real in our world today. We have stress. We have work. We have family. I don't want to be so strict all the time, and not have fun. I like going out for dinner with friends. I like going for work drinks on a Friday night. I like going for a ride on a Sunday afternoon. I think I even like going for a run sometimes. I like coming home from work and doing nothing except cook dinner and go to bed. I don't want to exercise because I feel like I have to, I want to exercise because I want to.
The last two weeks have been pretty hectic with work - I've been putting in extra hours because we're behind and no-one else seems to give a toss about it. I get home and fall asleep pretty much straight away, and I feel like that's what I need to do right now to stay sane. Let my body rest and recover. If it means my weight loss slows down for a short while, I can live with that.
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