I'm not kidding... EVERYTHING has changed since my last post. And I mean EVERYTHING.
I had a birthday. I'm now in my last year of my 20s. It's sad,but it's also so exciting. I have big goals for the next 12 months, and damn it, I'm going to achieve them!!
I moved in with the bf. It's been a week, and I'm loving it. I've hardly been home, the house is a mess, the washing is piling up, nothing has a place... But I have a place. I'm home. I'm loved. Life is beautiful.
I got a new job, finally. Four months ago I proposed some changes to my role which meant leaving the managerial side of life and moving into more admin, process improvement, problem solving. Well, everything fell into place and the position was approved. I started on Monday, and so far haven't really done anything different in my day-to-day stuff, but clarification next week on the scary stuff will get me started on the finer details of getting things done. I'm really excited (and really scared) to be changing things slowly in our department to get things working smoothly.
And the weight loss stuff? That's not going so well right now. I AM proud, however, that during this last crazy week of moving I have managed to go to the gym twice, and have done some sort of core strength training each day. I'm making myself move more at work (thanks Fitbit!) by going to the toilets across the building and upstairs a couple of times a day. Because those toilets are rarely used, I use the opportunity to do some wall push-ups, squats or star jumps each time I go to the loo as well. Incidental exercise is WORTH IT.
I'm struggling with chocolate at the moment, but that will soon be over with the end of our Freddo fundraiser for calisthenics. I've had a giant box of Freddos staring at me all day from the spare desk next to me. Now that they're all gone, I think I'll be able to manage to eat much less chocolate. I don't eat it at home, and if there's none at work I won't be able to eat it there either.
In the last few weeks (since I've had my Fitbit) I'm still on a downward trend with my weight loss - although it seems that I lose a big chunk one week, then gain a bit back the next week, then lose a big chunk, then gain a little back. I think it's a delicate balancing act that I'll start to see a lot more now that I'm past halfway in my 'journey' to 90kg. Only 15kg to go until I hit 90kg, and then I think I'll continue to lose until I get to 80kg and see how I feel.
I'm putting it out there... I want to be 80kg for my 30th birthday. I plan on having a party, and I want to wear a smoking dress. I also want to be able to think about food as notmal people do, and use exercise as a normal part of my day, rather than just to work off the chocolate that I eat. One thing the 12WBT taught me is to set goals, work out how you will achieve them, and then Just Frigging Do It.
Here are my goals for the next 12 months:
Reach 80kg
Have a normal relationship with food
Exercise on a regular basis
How will I achieve these goals?
By going to the gym - making time for it every day, but not beating myself up if I need a rest day and take the day off. Tomorrow is a new day.
By including vegies in most meals, and eating to sustain life, rather than to indulge every night. 'Treats' are allowed, they just can't be every day. I will deny myself NOTHING, but I will be sensible in my splurging.
By buying new clothes regularly. When I wear my old clothes all the time, I don't FEEL amazing. I want to buy new stuff and feel amazing - even if it's a new top or a new pair of pants once a month.
What's going to get in my way?
Cravings, gluttony, a sense of 'missing out'. Indulging this behaviour is what got me to where I was - fat, and unhappy. Indulging is okay, but I don't need to eat until it's gone. I can have just a bit and be okay. I don't feel any different whether I've eaten a whole block of chocolate, or just a couple of rows. SO why do I eat the whole block? Because I always have, and that's not a very good reason!
Other things that are going to get in my way are generally things that are beyond my control - sickness, inury, other people cooking, LIFE. I need to do what I can, when I can, so that these unplanned events don't ruin my hard work.
2 years ago, I was fat and unhappy. Today, I'm smaller, and happier. I can't wait to see what my life will be like in 12 months time when I'm smaller again and have worked on my emotional and self-esteem issues! I can't wait to get my tattoo so that I can be reminded every single day that I'm worth it... only 15kg to go.
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
Last Weigh In of the 12WBT
This morning was the last weigh-in for the 12WBT. I must admit, I haven't done as well as I thought I would - but at least I know why.
I've lost 7.7kg, and 11.5cm off my measurements. The measurements aren't as good as they were 4 weeks ago (I've expanded again!!), but my weight has started going down again, which is what I'm more concerned about. I'm proud that I've come out of the 12 weeks with a good loss. About halfway through the program, I really lost focus, so I'm glad I was able to remotivate myself and get back on track.
It's a week until my 29th birthday.. so I have 372 days to get to where I want to be. It's going to be tough. I know I'm going to slip, but I also know I'm going to get back up EVERY time. Eventually. Haha.
I went to my doctor on the weekend, to get a refill prescription for my HBC pill. We don't want babies for at least 2 years... so we need to be prepared! Anyhoo, I was curious as to what I weighed when I first went on the pill 4 years ago. I remembered that he had weighed me , and was concerned about my weight. I asked what that weight was, and he made me get back on the scales before he'd let me know the old number. I was 108.2 on his scales (I like mine better... 105.3) fully clothed. I sat back down, and he informed me that the previous weight of 4 years ago was 114. He congratulated me on losing 6 kilos..... I actually cannot believe that in the course of 4 years I put on 20 kilos, and then lost 25 kilos. I have come so far, yet it seems that I haven't hardly moved. Only 6 kilos difference in 4 years? It doesn't seem fair.
I'm so proud of myself for the effort of the last two years. I've lost 29.4kg. The doc says I still have 29.3kg to go to reach the BMI recommended 76kg for my height. That means no matter how I spin it, I'm halfway. I never thought I'd get here, but I'm so happy to be here. I still think that the BMI calculation is much too small for me. Dave agrees - he likes meaty girls, and wants me to be healthy and happy, rather than starving and grumpy. I don't want to be stressing over the last 10 kilos... so I'm definitely aiming for between 85-90kgs and then see how my body adjusts. That's only another 20 kilos, and that seems manageable in the next 12 months.
I joined a challenge (and have ended up being one of the admins which is highly motivating) that has weekly targets to reach. The targets change each week, and consist of rep targets, calorie burned targets, and minutes exercising targets. There are also Extra Movement challenges which encourage extra movement in daily life. I'm trying to do this anyway with my new toy, my Fitbit, as I'm trying to meet my daily targets set by Fitbit for steps, flights of stairs, activity, cals burned, and distance travelled. I don't get there every day, but I have made changes to where I go to the toilet at work (instead of the closest toilets, I go to the ones on the other side of the building, upstairs), go the long way whenever I have to travel through the building, and try to park further away whenever I go anywhere. It's surprising how little I actually move in a day at work, unless I really make the effort to get away from my desk and go for walks. Five minutes isn't long to be away (no-one really notices!) but I can cover a fair distance in that time, and sometimes get a couple of flights of stairs in at the same time. It's these little things that I think will make the difference in me keeping the weight off, and letting it slowly creep back on. Just being aware is powerful...
I've lost 7.7kg, and 11.5cm off my measurements. The measurements aren't as good as they were 4 weeks ago (I've expanded again!!), but my weight has started going down again, which is what I'm more concerned about. I'm proud that I've come out of the 12 weeks with a good loss. About halfway through the program, I really lost focus, so I'm glad I was able to remotivate myself and get back on track.
It's a week until my 29th birthday.. so I have 372 days to get to where I want to be. It's going to be tough. I know I'm going to slip, but I also know I'm going to get back up EVERY time. Eventually. Haha.
I went to my doctor on the weekend, to get a refill prescription for my HBC pill. We don't want babies for at least 2 years... so we need to be prepared! Anyhoo, I was curious as to what I weighed when I first went on the pill 4 years ago. I remembered that he had weighed me , and was concerned about my weight. I asked what that weight was, and he made me get back on the scales before he'd let me know the old number. I was 108.2 on his scales (I like mine better... 105.3) fully clothed. I sat back down, and he informed me that the previous weight of 4 years ago was 114. He congratulated me on losing 6 kilos..... I actually cannot believe that in the course of 4 years I put on 20 kilos, and then lost 25 kilos. I have come so far, yet it seems that I haven't hardly moved. Only 6 kilos difference in 4 years? It doesn't seem fair.
I'm so proud of myself for the effort of the last two years. I've lost 29.4kg. The doc says I still have 29.3kg to go to reach the BMI recommended 76kg for my height. That means no matter how I spin it, I'm halfway. I never thought I'd get here, but I'm so happy to be here. I still think that the BMI calculation is much too small for me. Dave agrees - he likes meaty girls, and wants me to be healthy and happy, rather than starving and grumpy. I don't want to be stressing over the last 10 kilos... so I'm definitely aiming for between 85-90kgs and then see how my body adjusts. That's only another 20 kilos, and that seems manageable in the next 12 months.
I joined a challenge (and have ended up being one of the admins which is highly motivating) that has weekly targets to reach. The targets change each week, and consist of rep targets, calorie burned targets, and minutes exercising targets. There are also Extra Movement challenges which encourage extra movement in daily life. I'm trying to do this anyway with my new toy, my Fitbit, as I'm trying to meet my daily targets set by Fitbit for steps, flights of stairs, activity, cals burned, and distance travelled. I don't get there every day, but I have made changes to where I go to the toilet at work (instead of the closest toilets, I go to the ones on the other side of the building, upstairs), go the long way whenever I have to travel through the building, and try to park further away whenever I go anywhere. It's surprising how little I actually move in a day at work, unless I really make the effort to get away from my desk and go for walks. Five minutes isn't long to be away (no-one really notices!) but I can cover a fair distance in that time, and sometimes get a couple of flights of stairs in at the same time. It's these little things that I think will make the difference in me keeping the weight off, and letting it slowly creep back on. Just being aware is powerful...
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
I got a new toy...
Got myself a FitBit Ultra. Lordy me, it makes me work hard! Unlike my HRM, it only counts steps, and works out calories burned from there. I'm not really looking at calories burned though, because I'm just trying to stick to my 1200-1400 calories a day.
It's got a couple of cool features, and mainly makes me think about incidental exercise, like getting up from my desk and walking around a bit, using the work toilets furthest from my desk and upstairs, parking further away when shopping etc. Because you wear it all day, it keeps you conscious all day about what you're doing. The website is pretty comprehensive too and provides heaps of data for me to compete against myself with every day.
I love new toys! I really want a Macbook, but that is my 90kg goal present, so I've got another 15kg to lose before I get myself one. By then, I'll probably want something else!
Today was weigh-in day (second last one on the 12WBT) and I lost 900grams. I'm pretty happy with that as I've had a couple of binges this week but got up and exercised straight after (nowhere near enough, but at least I did something). I also have been to the gym consistently most days for the last two weeks. It really shows on the scale - last week's loss was 1.7kg, and then 900g this week.
I've decided that Mish's program doesn't really suit me. While I love the recipes and the general idea of the program, I just can't get into it. I feel like having to hit the 500 calories burned mark every day is what is making me not want to go to the gym. Instead of focusing on being healthy, I was just focusing on going and getting on the treadmill until 500 calories was done. I wasn't enjoying myself at all, so tend to miss more workouts than I do because I don't want to just walk for an hour. The food plan was also off for me - I don't eat a lot of the foods that she put in the plan, so I was having to make up my own menu plan anyway. I'm only using her site to log my weigh-ins now - I haven't listened to any of her videos or anything for about 6 weeks. They don't motivate me at all. It's really quite disheartening, but I'm glad I signed up for the program as it's given me a lot of ideas for new recipes, and lots of help with individual exercises. I suppose I could've got that with a couple of personal training sessions, so I probably would have spent the same amount of money on that. It wasn't a complete waste of my time, but I'm not going to sign up for the next round. I may in the future though, as I like the idea of the Lean and Strong program so once I get closer to goal I may do one round of Lean and Strong, or invest in some personal training sessions.
I've gone back to the gym as the weather has turned to shit and I can't ride my bike any more. Firstly, it's dark so much earlier and I don't have a light. Secondly, I ride on the Eastlink Trail and it's kind of a rapist's heaven (away from roads, along a river bank, surrounded by marshlands). I don't feel safe at night on the trail, and I'm nowhere near strong enough to ride on the roads yet, without endangering both myself and drivers. So I'm back on the elliptical and the treadmill - trying to mix it up so I don't get bored. I'm also making sure I get in a full stretch of my legs after each workout - I'm doing a lot more for cali this year and finding my legs get really stiff if I don't stretch them out.
Cali is awesome. This year I decided to try harder to push myself as I won't be able to keep up much longer if I don't. Last year I spent a lot of time off stage watching the rest of the team, and while I enjoyed the break and less pressure on myself to get things right on the day, I felt a bit useless, like I wasn't pulling my weight. This year I hardly go off stage. It's wonderful! I'm doing things I haven't done in years, and I'm putting the pressure on myself now to 'perform' every time, instead of going through the motions and hoping it'll happen magically on stage. Our coaches know us a lot better this year than they did last year too.. so the work suits us a lot more and we are picking things up much quicker. We're also adapting as a team to their style, which is making us much better performers.
Work is going okay too. Although I'm extremely frustrated most days with our system (it doesn't work as it should, and we don't have the support we need to fix all the kinks), things are slowly getting better. I proposed some changes to my position over 4 months ago to allow me to transition out of management and into a more analytical/support based role. It looks like things are finally falling into place and my dream job may be within reach in the next month or so.
And my beautiful boy and I are moving in together next month. His place is heaps closer to work (he works around the corner from me) and although it's much further away from cali and my family, I'm happy to travel once or twice a week over to the other side of town for cali and to see Mum and Dad if it means my commute reduces to 20-30 minutes from over an hour twice daily. I'll have more time to prepare good meals, spend time on myself at the gym, and most importantly, nurture my relationship with Dave. We're in a really good place right now, and I want things to stay that way! We'll also be able to save money as we're effectively halving our bills if we live together, so we can save for our dream home (and our dream life!). Babies may be happening in the next few years, and I really want to not have to work until all my kids are at school - so I need to make sure I put in the time and effort now so that this is possible. I'm lucky I'm not on a salary - so any overtime or Public Holidays that I work I get paid for. Yay.
Some of my friendships are falling by the wayside with my new life though. Working in the city and living in the suburbs is hard - and when I take the time out for my gym time and Dave as well, it doesn't leave much time to socialise. I feel a bit bad about it, but at the same time I am the one who always initiates contact with most of my friends if I haven't seen them in a while. I'm kind of at the point now where if they don't contact me, I'm kind of thinking that maybe these friendships are a little one-sided, and that I needn't put in the effort if they can't be bothered to. It's sad because I don't have a massive group of friends, and with moving away it's going to be even harder to maintain these connections. I really like where my life is heading though, so I don't regret anything.
And that's my update. I'm leaving this tab open in my browser to remind me that I have a blog, and even if no-one reads it, I should update it more often!!
xx
It's got a couple of cool features, and mainly makes me think about incidental exercise, like getting up from my desk and walking around a bit, using the work toilets furthest from my desk and upstairs, parking further away when shopping etc. Because you wear it all day, it keeps you conscious all day about what you're doing. The website is pretty comprehensive too and provides heaps of data for me to compete against myself with every day.
I love new toys! I really want a Macbook, but that is my 90kg goal present, so I've got another 15kg to lose before I get myself one. By then, I'll probably want something else!
Today was weigh-in day (second last one on the 12WBT) and I lost 900grams. I'm pretty happy with that as I've had a couple of binges this week but got up and exercised straight after (nowhere near enough, but at least I did something). I also have been to the gym consistently most days for the last two weeks. It really shows on the scale - last week's loss was 1.7kg, and then 900g this week.
I've decided that Mish's program doesn't really suit me. While I love the recipes and the general idea of the program, I just can't get into it. I feel like having to hit the 500 calories burned mark every day is what is making me not want to go to the gym. Instead of focusing on being healthy, I was just focusing on going and getting on the treadmill until 500 calories was done. I wasn't enjoying myself at all, so tend to miss more workouts than I do because I don't want to just walk for an hour. The food plan was also off for me - I don't eat a lot of the foods that she put in the plan, so I was having to make up my own menu plan anyway. I'm only using her site to log my weigh-ins now - I haven't listened to any of her videos or anything for about 6 weeks. They don't motivate me at all. It's really quite disheartening, but I'm glad I signed up for the program as it's given me a lot of ideas for new recipes, and lots of help with individual exercises. I suppose I could've got that with a couple of personal training sessions, so I probably would have spent the same amount of money on that. It wasn't a complete waste of my time, but I'm not going to sign up for the next round. I may in the future though, as I like the idea of the Lean and Strong program so once I get closer to goal I may do one round of Lean and Strong, or invest in some personal training sessions.
I've gone back to the gym as the weather has turned to shit and I can't ride my bike any more. Firstly, it's dark so much earlier and I don't have a light. Secondly, I ride on the Eastlink Trail and it's kind of a rapist's heaven (away from roads, along a river bank, surrounded by marshlands). I don't feel safe at night on the trail, and I'm nowhere near strong enough to ride on the roads yet, without endangering both myself and drivers. So I'm back on the elliptical and the treadmill - trying to mix it up so I don't get bored. I'm also making sure I get in a full stretch of my legs after each workout - I'm doing a lot more for cali this year and finding my legs get really stiff if I don't stretch them out.
Cali is awesome. This year I decided to try harder to push myself as I won't be able to keep up much longer if I don't. Last year I spent a lot of time off stage watching the rest of the team, and while I enjoyed the break and less pressure on myself to get things right on the day, I felt a bit useless, like I wasn't pulling my weight. This year I hardly go off stage. It's wonderful! I'm doing things I haven't done in years, and I'm putting the pressure on myself now to 'perform' every time, instead of going through the motions and hoping it'll happen magically on stage. Our coaches know us a lot better this year than they did last year too.. so the work suits us a lot more and we are picking things up much quicker. We're also adapting as a team to their style, which is making us much better performers.
Work is going okay too. Although I'm extremely frustrated most days with our system (it doesn't work as it should, and we don't have the support we need to fix all the kinks), things are slowly getting better. I proposed some changes to my position over 4 months ago to allow me to transition out of management and into a more analytical/support based role. It looks like things are finally falling into place and my dream job may be within reach in the next month or so.
And my beautiful boy and I are moving in together next month. His place is heaps closer to work (he works around the corner from me) and although it's much further away from cali and my family, I'm happy to travel once or twice a week over to the other side of town for cali and to see Mum and Dad if it means my commute reduces to 20-30 minutes from over an hour twice daily. I'll have more time to prepare good meals, spend time on myself at the gym, and most importantly, nurture my relationship with Dave. We're in a really good place right now, and I want things to stay that way! We'll also be able to save money as we're effectively halving our bills if we live together, so we can save for our dream home (and our dream life!). Babies may be happening in the next few years, and I really want to not have to work until all my kids are at school - so I need to make sure I put in the time and effort now so that this is possible. I'm lucky I'm not on a salary - so any overtime or Public Holidays that I work I get paid for. Yay.
Some of my friendships are falling by the wayside with my new life though. Working in the city and living in the suburbs is hard - and when I take the time out for my gym time and Dave as well, it doesn't leave much time to socialise. I feel a bit bad about it, but at the same time I am the one who always initiates contact with most of my friends if I haven't seen them in a while. I'm kind of at the point now where if they don't contact me, I'm kind of thinking that maybe these friendships are a little one-sided, and that I needn't put in the effort if they can't be bothered to. It's sad because I don't have a massive group of friends, and with moving away it's going to be even harder to maintain these connections. I really like where my life is heading though, so I don't regret anything.
And that's my update. I'm leaving this tab open in my browser to remind me that I have a blog, and even if no-one reads it, I should update it more often!!
xx
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
The Easter Fallout
I'm sure I've mentioned that I'm struggling at the moment... but Easter went pretty well! I didn't eat nearly as much chocolate on the day as I usually would - I made sure that I only ate a couple of small chockies off the heavily laden table for my dessert. Mum had made up a little Easter basket for me seeing as I mentioned that I was trying not to eat too much - and I ate most of it on Monday and the rest yesterday.
Dave made up a big batch of brownies (mmm delicious but oh so much butter and chocolate in them....) and I haven't eaten many of those - in fact I'm taking the rest of them to work tomorrrow so that I'm not tempted to eat the rest on my own. They're pretty tasty but terribly rich so I don't think I could eat too many at once.
I've joined a challenge on MyFitnessPal run by one of my oldest friends on there. It starts on Friday and runs for 11 weeks so I'm hoping I don't get eliminated too early and it gives me a kickstart to finish this job of losing weight. It has all sorts of food-related and exercise-related challenges so isn't only weight focused, but is also fitness focused. I need to get back into enjoying my exercise more often than I enjoy my food!
I weighed in this morning at 108.1kg - about 3kg up on my lowest weight so far. It's a big enough gain to make me stop and think about where I want to be. I don't want to go back to where I was. I want to keep going in the downward direction, and right now I don't really care how long it takes me to get there, I just know that I can't stop trying. This isn't going to be anywhere near as easy as it was at the start, but it's easier than being huge and always worrying if I'll fit somewhere. I've got a couple of things coming up - my birthday is in May and then I have a trip away in July - so I have some small goals to reach by then.
All I can say is... I WILL BE LESS THAN 90KG BY 31 DEC 2012. There is no doubt about that.
Dave made up a big batch of brownies (mmm delicious but oh so much butter and chocolate in them....) and I haven't eaten many of those - in fact I'm taking the rest of them to work tomorrrow so that I'm not tempted to eat the rest on my own. They're pretty tasty but terribly rich so I don't think I could eat too many at once.
I've joined a challenge on MyFitnessPal run by one of my oldest friends on there. It starts on Friday and runs for 11 weeks so I'm hoping I don't get eliminated too early and it gives me a kickstart to finish this job of losing weight. It has all sorts of food-related and exercise-related challenges so isn't only weight focused, but is also fitness focused. I need to get back into enjoying my exercise more often than I enjoy my food!
I weighed in this morning at 108.1kg - about 3kg up on my lowest weight so far. It's a big enough gain to make me stop and think about where I want to be. I don't want to go back to where I was. I want to keep going in the downward direction, and right now I don't really care how long it takes me to get there, I just know that I can't stop trying. This isn't going to be anywhere near as easy as it was at the start, but it's easier than being huge and always worrying if I'll fit somewhere. I've got a couple of things coming up - my birthday is in May and then I have a trip away in July - so I have some small goals to reach by then.
All I can say is... I WILL BE LESS THAN 90KG BY 31 DEC 2012. There is no doubt about that.
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Run for the Kids
Today, I did Run for the Kids - a 5.2km fun run to raise money for the Royal Children's Hospital, in Melbourne. The Good Friday Appeal is a telethon that is run in Vic each year on Good Friday to raise money for this hospital, so the entry fees and such go towards the Appeal.
I haven't really had anything to do with the Children's - having never been sick myself, and my brothers were all healthy too. Late last year, my cousin had a beautiful baby girl who was born with a rare condition affecting her chin, and also some other stuff to do with her hips. She's been in and out of the hospital her whole short life, and is thankfully doing really really well.
I didn't even think about it when I signed up, and this morning, after I posted about my success on my Facebook, my cousin commented and thanked me for my support. We just don't think about how little things affect other people...
PS I ran/walked the 5.2km in 45:38 (not the official time... that is released on Tuesday) which I was really proud of. I had a goal of under 45 mins, and probably would have reached that had there been less people to negotiate.
I haven't really had anything to do with the Children's - having never been sick myself, and my brothers were all healthy too. Late last year, my cousin had a beautiful baby girl who was born with a rare condition affecting her chin, and also some other stuff to do with her hips. She's been in and out of the hospital her whole short life, and is thankfully doing really really well.
I didn't even think about it when I signed up, and this morning, after I posted about my success on my Facebook, my cousin commented and thanked me for my support. We just don't think about how little things affect other people...
PS I ran/walked the 5.2km in 45:38 (not the official time... that is released on Tuesday) which I was really proud of. I had a goal of under 45 mins, and probably would have reached that had there been less people to negotiate.
Saturday, 31 March 2012
Too long between drinks!
Well, I actually don't know how long it's been since I posted... I forgot to check!! I think we all know why I haven't been posting - because I haven't been having a great time. I don't know why, because my life is friggin awesome right now.
I haven't put on much weight - a couple of kilos - but it swings around between 105-107 depending on the day of the week. I haven't been eating well - I do great all day and then I come home and eat a block of chocolate. Not a bar, but a block. 200g of Cadbury goodness. In the last two weeks I've eaten 6. And I haven't exercised officially in that time. I've done cali on Monday nights - the standard 3 hours - and I really push myself hard for that 3 hours. I've also made a point to practise at least once during the week for about an hour (enough to get the sweat going but mostly to cement the new parts of the routines in my brain).
Cali is amazing. I have recently discovered that I'm actually not that bad at it, it's just been me holding me back all this time. I'm scared to put my head up and really perform because I'm scared of people judging me, looking at me and thinking that I'm an idiot. Well... I've realised that I don't give a shit any more. I really don't. I love this sport, and I won't be able to do it at the level I'm doing it for much longer. I've probably only got two good years left in me (this year and the next) and I really want to enjoy it. The coaches that we have this year have really instilled confidence in me - they're the first to tell me that I am capable of more, and I don't know why I believe them, but I do. I often have to stop myself when I go to tell them I can't do something, because I actually CAN. And sometimes I don't stop myself in time... trying not to fall into those bad habits, but it's hard to change what you've been doing for 20 years.
It kinda sums up my life - I'm trying to change things that I've done for the last ten years, and I often don't catch myself until it's too late.
In a couple of months, my life is going to change HUGELY. I'm moving in with the BF. I've never lived with a partner before (I've actually never considered myself in a serious relationship before so this is a BIG DEAL), so I'm scared but totally excited at the same time. In a food sense, I'm really looking forward to it. I eat shit when I'm alone - not in secret, but alone. Therefore I don't do it with him. I also feel like I should be feeding him properly if I'm cooking - he has quite a physical job so needs a good dinner after a hard day's work. Of course, he eats a lot more than I do, but I can still eat the things I crave and give him larger portions so that I don't eat more than I should. He also plays an online game a couple of nights a week at scheduled times (with a group) so I won't feel guilty at all about going off to the gym. At the moment, if he comes over, I feel like I can't disappear for a few hours because we only spend a couple of nights a week together and I cherish that time together. My gym doesn't have a branch near his place so I don't go when I go over there.
Anyway... today is the last day of March. Tomorrow is the start of a new month, so it's going to mark a fresh start. I really wanted to be under 100kg for my birthday, which is the 10th of May. I don't know if I can do it, but I'm certainly going to give it a red hot go. I'm doing Run for the Kids in the morning - a 5k fun run. I'm not going to commit to anything numbers-wise this time. I'm not promising to exercise every day, or to burn a certain amount each day, or even to set a goal for what I want to lose by my birthday.
My Mum went to see a nutritionist during the week, and discussed me a bit. Apparently, I'm her inspiration, which I find really hard to swallow. I've always looked up to my Mum, and she's been my inspiration. Somehow it's hard for me to accept that I've changed some things about myself, and I keep looking at how far I have to go, rather than how far I've come. I've actually lost almost 30kg, and forget to pat myself on the back sometimes. According to the BMI, I should weigh between 55-70kg. That means I need to lose another 35kg just to get near that range, and another 50kg to be on the lighter side of healthy. I've been looking at those numbers, and it just seems impossible. And according to this nutritionist... it is!! My Mum is a similar height to me. She's of a similar build to me. At the moment, we weigh about the same. This nutritionist believes that the BMI is a bit silly - that for someone with a larger frame and some muscle tone, it's not realistic. She thinks we should aim for roughly 90kg, and focus on eating well and exercising regularly, then see what happens. It's such a breath of fresh air for a health professional to be so honest, and not focus on numbers, but on what is real in our world today. We have stress. We have work. We have family. I don't want to be so strict all the time, and not have fun. I like going out for dinner with friends. I like going for work drinks on a Friday night. I like going for a ride on a Sunday afternoon. I think I even like going for a run sometimes. I like coming home from work and doing nothing except cook dinner and go to bed. I don't want to exercise because I feel like I have to, I want to exercise because I want to.
The last two weeks have been pretty hectic with work - I've been putting in extra hours because we're behind and no-one else seems to give a toss about it. I get home and fall asleep pretty much straight away, and I feel like that's what I need to do right now to stay sane. Let my body rest and recover. If it means my weight loss slows down for a short while, I can live with that.
I haven't put on much weight - a couple of kilos - but it swings around between 105-107 depending on the day of the week. I haven't been eating well - I do great all day and then I come home and eat a block of chocolate. Not a bar, but a block. 200g of Cadbury goodness. In the last two weeks I've eaten 6. And I haven't exercised officially in that time. I've done cali on Monday nights - the standard 3 hours - and I really push myself hard for that 3 hours. I've also made a point to practise at least once during the week for about an hour (enough to get the sweat going but mostly to cement the new parts of the routines in my brain).
Cali is amazing. I have recently discovered that I'm actually not that bad at it, it's just been me holding me back all this time. I'm scared to put my head up and really perform because I'm scared of people judging me, looking at me and thinking that I'm an idiot. Well... I've realised that I don't give a shit any more. I really don't. I love this sport, and I won't be able to do it at the level I'm doing it for much longer. I've probably only got two good years left in me (this year and the next) and I really want to enjoy it. The coaches that we have this year have really instilled confidence in me - they're the first to tell me that I am capable of more, and I don't know why I believe them, but I do. I often have to stop myself when I go to tell them I can't do something, because I actually CAN. And sometimes I don't stop myself in time... trying not to fall into those bad habits, but it's hard to change what you've been doing for 20 years.
It kinda sums up my life - I'm trying to change things that I've done for the last ten years, and I often don't catch myself until it's too late.
In a couple of months, my life is going to change HUGELY. I'm moving in with the BF. I've never lived with a partner before (I've actually never considered myself in a serious relationship before so this is a BIG DEAL), so I'm scared but totally excited at the same time. In a food sense, I'm really looking forward to it. I eat shit when I'm alone - not in secret, but alone. Therefore I don't do it with him. I also feel like I should be feeding him properly if I'm cooking - he has quite a physical job so needs a good dinner after a hard day's work. Of course, he eats a lot more than I do, but I can still eat the things I crave and give him larger portions so that I don't eat more than I should. He also plays an online game a couple of nights a week at scheduled times (with a group) so I won't feel guilty at all about going off to the gym. At the moment, if he comes over, I feel like I can't disappear for a few hours because we only spend a couple of nights a week together and I cherish that time together. My gym doesn't have a branch near his place so I don't go when I go over there.
Anyway... today is the last day of March. Tomorrow is the start of a new month, so it's going to mark a fresh start. I really wanted to be under 100kg for my birthday, which is the 10th of May. I don't know if I can do it, but I'm certainly going to give it a red hot go. I'm doing Run for the Kids in the morning - a 5k fun run. I'm not going to commit to anything numbers-wise this time. I'm not promising to exercise every day, or to burn a certain amount each day, or even to set a goal for what I want to lose by my birthday.
My Mum went to see a nutritionist during the week, and discussed me a bit. Apparently, I'm her inspiration, which I find really hard to swallow. I've always looked up to my Mum, and she's been my inspiration. Somehow it's hard for me to accept that I've changed some things about myself, and I keep looking at how far I have to go, rather than how far I've come. I've actually lost almost 30kg, and forget to pat myself on the back sometimes. According to the BMI, I should weigh between 55-70kg. That means I need to lose another 35kg just to get near that range, and another 50kg to be on the lighter side of healthy. I've been looking at those numbers, and it just seems impossible. And according to this nutritionist... it is!! My Mum is a similar height to me. She's of a similar build to me. At the moment, we weigh about the same. This nutritionist believes that the BMI is a bit silly - that for someone with a larger frame and some muscle tone, it's not realistic. She thinks we should aim for roughly 90kg, and focus on eating well and exercising regularly, then see what happens. It's such a breath of fresh air for a health professional to be so honest, and not focus on numbers, but on what is real in our world today. We have stress. We have work. We have family. I don't want to be so strict all the time, and not have fun. I like going out for dinner with friends. I like going for work drinks on a Friday night. I like going for a ride on a Sunday afternoon. I think I even like going for a run sometimes. I like coming home from work and doing nothing except cook dinner and go to bed. I don't want to exercise because I feel like I have to, I want to exercise because I want to.
The last two weeks have been pretty hectic with work - I've been putting in extra hours because we're behind and no-one else seems to give a toss about it. I get home and fall asleep pretty much straight away, and I feel like that's what I need to do right now to stay sane. Let my body rest and recover. If it means my weight loss slows down for a short while, I can live with that.
Sunday, 11 March 2012
Mayor of Struggletown
That's right, I'm the Mayor of Struggletown.
This morning is the perfect example, but if I'm honest, it's been happening for about 2 weeks. Last night, I had a friend's engagement party. I caught the bus there as I knew I'd be drinking, and I really drank. I didn't partake in any party food, which was pretty good, but I HAD eaten M&Ms for brunch, so I really shouldn't have eaten anyway. Had the obligartory cheeseburger on the way home (lovely taxi driver!!) and my night was complete.
I woke up this morning and I feel awful. So much sugar (Malibu and Coke is my drink) and quite dehydrated from the alcohol, so I have a headache and my mouth feels all fuzzy. My throat is sore from being around smokers all night, and from yelling with the loud music. My ears are still ringing. I'm too old for this!!
But getting back to Struggletown, I'm really struggling with sticking to the program. I haven't been to the gym at all this week. I babysat one night, had dinner with a friend, had dinner with another group, and then Friday night came and I just couldn't be bothered on Friday night. I did my fitness test on Thursday night which took me about 20 minutes. I had calisthenics on Monday night, where I usually burn around 900 calories. I haven't done any other exercise this week though, and I've gone over my calories every day.
I don't want to quit before I'm finished, but I need to get my head around the fact that this behaviour isn't right. It won't give me the results I need and want, and I will actually go backwards if I continue like this. I need to stick to my calories, and make a real effort to go to the gym and burn my 500 every day. No excuses.
It's all well and good for me to say that I want it, but I need to start proving to myself that I want it. I need to do a big cookup (tonight's job) and make the effort to fuel my body with what it needs. I then need to burn that fuel in fun ways - after all, the whole point is to use my body in ways that make it sing. I think I might even whack on my HRM while I'm practising calisthenics at home - I get so excited that my heart rate goes up and I just feel amazing while I'm doing it.
I want to enhance my performance this year - make it less about doing what I've been taught, and more about actually 'performing'. I've realised in the last few years that I genuinely love calisthenics, and I really need to start showing the world (or the 3 people that watch it at least...lol) how much I really love it. There's a little fire in my heart when I'm on stage, and even when I'm practising. I need that fire to shine through so that I truly glow. I need to open myself up and let people see that fire - even if I risk getting some criticism.. or even worse.. some praise!!
This morning is the perfect example, but if I'm honest, it's been happening for about 2 weeks. Last night, I had a friend's engagement party. I caught the bus there as I knew I'd be drinking, and I really drank. I didn't partake in any party food, which was pretty good, but I HAD eaten M&Ms for brunch, so I really shouldn't have eaten anyway. Had the obligartory cheeseburger on the way home (lovely taxi driver!!) and my night was complete.
I woke up this morning and I feel awful. So much sugar (Malibu and Coke is my drink) and quite dehydrated from the alcohol, so I have a headache and my mouth feels all fuzzy. My throat is sore from being around smokers all night, and from yelling with the loud music. My ears are still ringing. I'm too old for this!!
But getting back to Struggletown, I'm really struggling with sticking to the program. I haven't been to the gym at all this week. I babysat one night, had dinner with a friend, had dinner with another group, and then Friday night came and I just couldn't be bothered on Friday night. I did my fitness test on Thursday night which took me about 20 minutes. I had calisthenics on Monday night, where I usually burn around 900 calories. I haven't done any other exercise this week though, and I've gone over my calories every day.
I don't want to quit before I'm finished, but I need to get my head around the fact that this behaviour isn't right. It won't give me the results I need and want, and I will actually go backwards if I continue like this. I need to stick to my calories, and make a real effort to go to the gym and burn my 500 every day. No excuses.
It's all well and good for me to say that I want it, but I need to start proving to myself that I want it. I need to do a big cookup (tonight's job) and make the effort to fuel my body with what it needs. I then need to burn that fuel in fun ways - after all, the whole point is to use my body in ways that make it sing. I think I might even whack on my HRM while I'm practising calisthenics at home - I get so excited that my heart rate goes up and I just feel amazing while I'm doing it.
I want to enhance my performance this year - make it less about doing what I've been taught, and more about actually 'performing'. I've realised in the last few years that I genuinely love calisthenics, and I really need to start showing the world (or the 3 people that watch it at least...lol) how much I really love it. There's a little fire in my heart when I'm on stage, and even when I'm practising. I need that fire to shine through so that I truly glow. I need to open myself up and let people see that fire - even if I risk getting some criticism.. or even worse.. some praise!!
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