It's a long way to the top...

... if you want to lose your rolls!

Haha. It's true though.. So bloody hard.

This weekend has been a mix of ups and downs. Come to think of it, this month, this year, has been a heap of ups and downs. I started Michelle Bridges 12WBT 12 months ago - I did the first round half-heartedly and lost 7kg. I found those 7kg over the following 9 months and am now back to where I started, signed up for Round 1 2013, wanting to lose it again. Round 4 2012 was both a success and a failure.

I firmly believe I now have my exercise under control. I wear a Fitbit and most days have an exercise adjustment of 400-500 calories. Mostly, it's walking. Right now, training for the 50km walk, I'm walking A LOT. 1-2 hours, most days. I find walking calming, comfortable, stress-relief. Walking is my exercise of choice - unlike running, it doesn't feel like a chore. It doesn't hurt. My flab doesn't bounce around, people don't stare. In a gym, people expect to see others sweating, huffing, puffing, working hard. On the streets, at the beach, at the park.. people don't expect that. They're relaxing, driving to work, playing with their kids. It's that sense of ruining people's days that keeps me from running. Walking doesn't make me feel like that. I'm not ashamed to walk.

Food, on the other hand, is NOT under control. Binging is a big part of my life. 4-5 times a week, I'll find myself at the supermarket, buying a fair amount of food. I tell myself I'll ration it out over a few days. I don't. In 'bulimia' terms, it's not a huge binge, but calorie-wise, I'm doubling my 1200 on 4-5 days out of the week. Anyone can tell that's not a good thing. I've maintained my weight for the last 12 months, which means that I can eat like that IF I WISH, but that I won't actually GET ANYWHERE if I do. I'll get exactly where I got this year. Nowhere.

Doing the exercise I am doing, I should be losing 400-500 grams per week. The only way this will happen is with no supermarket visits. No binges. No mindless eating. I know that I can't say no, but I need to learn to say 'not now'. I need to get a handle on this. 'Normal' people don't do this. 'Normal' people treat occasionally. 'Normal' people eat a variety of fresh food, healthy food, wholesome food. 'Normal' people walk their dog, and don't think they deserve a family block of chocolate as a reward. I desperately want to be normal.

I know what it takes. I know that I need to do it. Now I need to work on the DOING part. Not talking about it. Actually doing it.